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lovemyboys

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Posts: 10
 #1 
It has been 3 weeks and two days since I lost my sweet dog and I have not gone a single day without crying. Some days, I feel more numb, and I think I am getting better, only to have a very dark day the next. Very few friends or family seem to understand how I am suffering so deeply, even those with dogs of their own! Many who I sent cards to if they lost a cat or a bird didn't bother to do the same for me losing a dog. I have waves of absolute agony and despair and then pure anger for these people I thought were my "friends" who clearly are not. I cannot believe I wasted time on these people that could have been spent with my precious dog, who is now gone.

My sweet boy was healthy all his life, whereas his older "brother" has had multiple chronic conditions that we have medically managed for over a decade. It was therefore shocking when so suddenly, my healthy boy went from being his normal self to gone within the course of about 9 days. Even the day he died, we took a 45 minute walk and he was bounding down the stairs in the morning. I knew something was wrong, but not THAT wrong. Those 9 days started with a sudden decrease of appetite, which continued each day, and each day his appetite was less and less. We ran all the tests, did two full exams, and nothing was conclusive until late in the evening the night he died, he became very weak and sleepy and completely refused to eat, and in the ER we were told that he had fluids flooding his heart and that it was caused by a noticeable mass. At first they did not see the mass, and gave us a bleak projecting for attempting to buy time for 36 hours until the full staff was back and they could get more info. (It was a Saturday night) Then they did more scans and found a mass. They said he would have died overnight had we not brought him in. The fluids were literally suffocating him. We had to put him down then and there, and I cannot stop reliving it. It was so shocking, so unexpected, and I am overwhelmed with guilt, misery, and a deep, relentless sorrow. I have howled, screamed, wept, beat the floors and the counters. I can't release all this misery. I can't understand how this happened, so quickly. For years and years I have played nursemaid to my other little guy. I am hyper sensitive to the slightest ailment in both my boys because of the issues my other one has. We have never spared any cost. We have spent a small fortune on these dogs. And we would have spent anything--done anything--but all we were hearing, from a total of three vets and my brother who is an MD was that there was nothing to be done, even a cardiologist could not have done anything to save him. I held him in my arms through all of it, and I cannot stop reliving the memory of moving his lifeless body onto the couch and then walking away, leaving him there. My poor, precious, precious little boy. He had no idea what was going to happen to him. He didn't know he was never coming home. And he loved being home.

We thought we would have years with him. I thought he would get me through the ultimate passing of my boy with the health issues...now I fear that I will be losing them both, and in a short time frame. It feels like a part of my being has died along with my boy, and I fear losing my other little guy more than ever...and I feared that daily, since he has had ongoing issues, but now I am truly scared. I want to give my living dog all of my attention, but I also fear just how bad it will be when I lose him and I am left with nothing. I do not want to get another dog any time soon because I do not want any random dog...I want my dog who just died back. I'd give anything! But my current dog was with us when we had to put him down. He understood what happened, and he was nearly comatose for four days afterward. He has bounced back, but I know he is hurting and lonely. I don't think that getting another dog anytime soon is the answer, and certainly not now, but oh....what will I have to live for when he goes, too? Right now, he is the only thing getting me through this, and even then, I barely get out of bed most days other than to walk and feed him and give him his meds. But I am so grateful to have him right now, to ease the pain, even a little.

We have also been on stay at home orders since days after our loss. This entire house feels like a prison, and I cannot escape my pain. There is no distraction or reprieve from the fact that he is missing from our home. That we are all here as a family and he is not here. I have found myself angered by "friends" who complain about having to be at home when at least they are surround by their WHOLE family, and part of mine is GONE. Of course they don't get it. I have blocked friends and family from ever contacting me again who abandoned me in my time of suffering because I refuse to waste time on people I now realize do not care when it can be spent on my living dog. I won't be making that mistake twice. Even an hour with a person who doesn't deserve it is an hour that can be spent on a precious, deserving, loving pet.

It is just multiple waves of overlapping miserable emotions. I just want him back. I feel like just yesterday he was a puppy. Those memories are suddenly so vivid! And just like that...he is gone. And I miss him SO much. I had no idea when I woke up that morning that it would be the last day. That there wouldn't be another Christmas. Another cuddle. That no amount of money could have bought us more time or saved him. That it was all over. The permanency of death feels overwhelming to me.
Raiseravens88

Registered:
Posts: 8
 #2 
People will never understand the pain you experience, especially because they don’t know how supportive animals can be day in and day out. I support not talking to the friends who are cold right now. Maybe you will change you mind one day, but right now they are of no help.

When I lost my Erlend last May, she had all the health issues and I literally dreaded the possibility for at least 8 years since she was diagnosed with diabetes. I also spent all the money that I could to keep her here and it was all worth it. When she left I was distraught and a little part of me died with her. For months I was not the same.

Little by little I spent more time with my other cat, Tiny, who was the easy one of the two. We got closer and closer and slowly we allowed her to take over our hearts more and more as we healed. She passed last Friday suddenly and I am experiencing the crazy scenario of both being gone within the same year. I never even thought it was a possibility. With Tiny’s loss I just feel numb. It doesn’t seem real and although I’ve cried, I’m also just in shock. I feel guilty as hell since these feelings are different than with Erlend and I know there’s no point in comparing, but my mind wanders into these areas right now. I feel like I’m a bad person for even *thinking* of another pet...but the house is so lonely and like you, I’m not sure what life is about without a cat.
lovemyboys

Registered:
Posts: 10
 #3 
I completely understand the mixed feelings that come with having a different relationship with two different pets. My boy who is still with me always got more attention because of his health issues. He also has a much needier personality. My boy who suddenly passed away was healthy and more independent and more protective--he took on that role even though he was younger. The guilt I felt over him dying first was overwhelming, even though I knew I loved him deeply, that he was given all the cuddles and treats and time that I gave to my other dog. They were always together. And he wasn't as needy. He liked a but more physical space on the couch or the bed. But still, there is that awful feeling. Here I was always so worried about my dog with the health issues...and my other dog died first. Terrible, terrible guilt.

Then I tell myself that if the timing had been reversed, I STILL would have found something to feel guilty about. It's because I loved them so much that I cannot stop thinking about how much more I could have done/can do for both of them, even though I gave them my heart and soul, all my time, and money. They were my world. But they were two different creatures with different personalities and needs, and of course there is a different relationship based on that and the experiences that we go through individually with them.

Right now, my current dog is the only thing keeping me going, but he is older and has the health issues, and I have worried about him for so long and now I am truly scared of losing him too. I don't even want to think about getting another dog right now, but I also fear how bad it will be to lose him and to have nothing left. Right now, he is my only comfort. He is the only thing getting me through this loss.
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