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choochoo

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Posts: 115
 #1 

I still dont know if i made the right choice putting my beloved 16 1/2 year old chewy to sleep just 12 days ago.I still feel guilty and at the same time very sad and miss my sweet girl so much.Chewy had a seizure on 4-19 and we went to the vet where the vet said she was dying of severe anemia from either cancer or an immune disease called IMHA.Chewy also had other problems including a spine disease for 4 0r 5 years where she had trouble feeling her back legs so she would wooble and bad arthritis in her front legs so walking was a struggle and she would slip on wood floors but she would always get up she was so a brave girl.I know she was in some pain from the arthritis for a while she was on medication but it didnt help that much.The vet said she had about a 17% chance to survive(unless cancer) with a transfusion and give tests but with her age and other ailments he felt it would be better to let her go.Either disease would be hard on her to put her thru a recovery.But she seemed happy until that seizure and  i still feel i rushed into puting her to sleep although i have been told it would be unfair to make her go thru any more tests and transfusions considering her ailments with a poor chance of recovery.I still wonder if i did the right thing or maybe she would still be around today if i tried to save her with a transfusion.She looked so weak and in pain i didnt want her to hurt any more>but now i am so hurting and wondering if i made the right choice for her.I am so sad and still cry for her think of her during the day and yell at myself for saying i should have tried to save her even if the odds were so against her.I know it probably would have been worse for her if she had to go thru all kinds of medical procedures and could have suffered even more but i still have doubts about what i did.Anyone feel the same thoughts?did i make the right choice for my chewy?Its breaking my heart and im angry at myself.The vet said he would put her to sleep if it was his dog but it was still my choice.I feel i failed chewy somehow.I fed her her breakfast in the morning and she was gone by the afternoon.I still see her waiting on her bed for me the day she died.I am still in shock and lost.I realize she had a very bad disease was very old and other problems but i still wonder if i failed.I still cant believe i said the words okay to the vet when he asked me to put her to sleep.I want to turn back time and try again.I wouldnt want to just keep chewy around to survive she was such a spunky girl but i miss her so much.Freinds have told me i would just be keeping her around for me and it wouldnt have been fair to chewy but i cant convince myself.she was my guardian angel.I feel like i killed the angel sent to me.Will this pain ever end.

WooWooWoo

Registered:
Posts: 5,100
 #2 
Dear Choo Choo,

You are clearly in the miserable "second guessing" stage of grief.   ALL of us have been there.   You made the decision at the right time.   The vet felt so.  Your friends felt so.  And, I think you probably know in your heart the time was right.   The odds were clearly stacked against her and you did not want her to suffer anymore.    She was in pain from arthritis.   Dogs can't tell us when they hurt, but they definitely hurt.   To subject her to procedures and "treatment" when the vet doubted they would cure her at all, would have been cruel.   I don't say these things to hurt you.  I am saying this because I truly believe on the day you made your decision you were guided by the ultimate love--you simply could not put your own needs over Chewy's anymore. 

Like I said, this "second guessing" is normal, but agonizing.   You have to remind yourself your sweet girl is now in perfect and complete joy.   After being on this website for a while now, I truly believe it comes down to a matter of faith.   Your beloved girl, Chewy, is no longer suffering.   And, that, my friend is a beautiful thing.   Unfortunately, when we release our babies from their suffering we take on the pain.  And, what a pain it is!   It hurts so bad.  That is why it is of paramount importance for us to be here for each other.  So, please keep writing if it helps.  We will be here for you.

Please try to focus on the wonderful moments the two of you shared.   Celebrate Chewy's life.   Do something for yourself that makes YOU feel better.  After all, Chewy would so want you to have peace.

Sending hugs to you,
Melissa
Betsy's forever mom



Weeniesmom

Registered:
Posts: 9
 #3 
Do not beat yourself up over what you did, because if you had done the reverse and been very aggressive you would now being wondering if you should have put her through that.
In my feeling really sad moments I second guess putting my 16 year old cat Weenie to sleep on April 7th, I was told he had a mass in his stomach back in December and I decided then not to be aggressive and to let him enjoy his remaining days without being dragged back and forth to the vet. I also wonder if I should have been aggressive so he could have been with me longer.
The pain does subside, Weenie's mom Kitty passed  nine years ago and I still think of her but the deep pain and sadness are no longer part of my thoughts of her. 
 
Mary
 
Becky57

Registered:
Posts: 657
 #4 
CHooChoo
I just wanted to say how sorry I was. My dog died unexpectedly at age 7 because I missed so many signs of pain and things wrong and I medicated her incorrectly.  I am feeling guilt beyond comprehension.

 In my opinion, for what that is worth, I think it was obvious you made a completely unselfish decision for someone you loved more than anything.  No one should have to make these decisions --but it seems like that is just how life is--hard.

It is only recently that I can look back at my mother's suffering and face the truth.  She went through tests and different treatments because I begged her to--some of the tests nearly killed her --much of what she did was because i begged her to not because she wanted it.  I was the selfish one.And I regret so much of it.

But again, I think what you did was think of your loved one and not yourself.
I am so sorry. 
lmarques

Registered:
Posts: 13
 #5 
Dear Choochoo,

I'm so terribly sorry over the loss of your Chewy. As Melissa said, we've all been there and it's agonizing when we have to be the ones to choose life or death for our little ones.

You must know, as horrible as it feels, that you definitely made the right choice. It was your ultimate gift to your little girl. She was your faithful companion for so long and probably fought as long as she did with her arthritis and pain because of you. She loved you more than anything and wanted to be close to you as long as she could.

But there are times that we have to make the decision to let them go and ease their pain. 3 years ago my 17 year old cat Jennifer became very ill, wouldn't eat, was very weak. She was diagnosed with incurable cancer. The vet told me similar things, that there was little he could do, but if I wanted to we could try a blood transfusion to see if it would help her. At first, we put her on an IV all day to get her stronger. He then told me to try and give her tuna fish to help her eat again. For a week I did everything I could. I tried all her favorite people foods, I talked to her, I snuggled with her. But then the final days she could barely stand up. She fell off the bed one afternoon and just laid there looking at me. Yet still I kept on trying and considered the transfusion. But when it came time for me to bring her in for that, I thought to myself is this the life Jenny really wants? she's suffering and weak but still fighting because of me. The transfusion will probably hurt so much and there isn't even a chance it'll work. That fateful day when I came home and saw her laying her head in her food bowl just staring at me I knew I had pushed her beyond her limits, simply because I couldn't imagine my life without her. I pushed so hard but wasn't thinking of what it was doing to her. I called the vet that second, and not 20 minutes later, my baby crossed the bridge.

Trust me, you think you'll never get over it. You go through the guilt, you second guess your efforts. You go over every step in your mind and think of what you could have done differently. If you could rewind the clock. But you can't. It's life. And if you're thinking that Chewy would have passed in her own time at home, you could be right, but most of the time it doesn't happen that way. Most of the time they're so weak and helpless the pain becomes worse and there's no release for them. Dying a slow death like that is too unbearable.

You loved her so much you helped her get to a place where her legs were strong again and her body was healthy again. She will forever love you for what you gave her: 16 1/2 years of love and devotion and one final gift of absolute compassion. 

Your pain will indeed pass. Some days it will feel like you just lost her, and others you'll find yourself back in the swing of things and smiling fondly at her memory. Do not beat yourself up over this choice. You know in your heart it was the right one and Chewy loves you so much for helping her and thinking of her needs.

-Liza
Brucey Lucy and Jennifer's forever Mommy
choochoo

Registered:
Posts: 115
 #6 

Thank you all so much for your help.i have read every word and it does help when i see that others who loved their animals understand the choice i was faced with.its not fair to have to make a choice like that and it still tears me apart at times.I can understand your grief also i know you all have tragic losses and they all hurt no matter what the circumstances.I hope you are right and the pain will go away some and i can think of chewy fondly as she was loving loyal companion.And yes i think she did try so hard to stay with me.I would have done anything to make her well again but i know that wasnt going to happen.It is just so hard to say goodbye like i said i still cant believe i said the word okay to the vet.I guess deep down i just couldnt put her thru anymore  even though i wanted her to come home and i miss her every day.I think that day will always haunt me but maybe i can convince myself i had no choice.Thank you all  you have helped me so much

EmptyNow

Registered:
Posts: 199
 #7 

Choochoo,

I am so sorry for the lost of your baby. Please know that you did the right thing. You made that hard decision based on the love that you have for your baby girl.

Please don't beat yourself over it. I was faced with that same decision of putting my 16-year old baby to sleep. I decided that it was time to do so and I sheduled an appointment on 4/10/08 for what would be today.  Three days after scheduling that appt., I heard the most horrible scream from my bedroom. It was my baby...her body had given up.  I had to rush her to the emergency vet to have her put to sleep. Had I known what was going to happen, I would have put her to sleep sooner.

I feel the same guilt that you do except mine is for not doing it sooner and yours is for thinking you did it too soon.

You gave your child the gift of love and compassion.  God bless you and your Chewy. She will be watching over you.

Love,

Piggy's Mom 
basil

Registered:
Posts: 1,205
 #8 
My little Basil was a very old man.  He had a bad heart for 5 years.  The vet came to the house and I asked her what she thought.  She said if I didnt do it then, it would happen naturally in the next 2 or 3 days.
I went ahead, but it all just seemed so quick.  I had regrets too, I wondered if I had left it maybe he would have had longer.
Basil was PTS 22nd December last year.  It hurt so much, but now I know that I did the right thing, I didnt want him to suffer.
You will realise in time, that you made the right choice.  The hardest thing we ever have to decide, because by letting them go, our misery starts.

We are all here for you, I am so sorry, Much Love, Di xxx
Claire

Registered:
Posts: 104
 #9 
I am so sorry for your loss.
Over 16 years is a really great age and a long time to be cared for and loved.  I have had many pets most recently having to have Fred PTS - he was 14 with kidney failure.  Pip was just 2 and found passed of stroke or heart failure four years ago - I miss them both.  In time you will have happy thoughts of what you shared and it will be a weird sort of appreciative sadness -not just this raw pain you have now. 
Best wishes.
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