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Clelia

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Posts: 1
 #1 
Hi everyone, this is one of those days where I don't think I can get through. I lost my baby less than a month ago. Her name was Gogo, a "cat" (not just a cat for me, she was my daughter).

Even using the word "was" breaks my heart in pieces. She has been part of my life for almost 18 years. In April she didn't feel well and the vet said her kidneys were failing her so we gave her the special food and whatnot.

For a while she seemed to be ok, a bit skinnier, but playful and naughty as usual, until the 7th of December when she started to feel sick and completely stopped eating and drinking.

After a few days of cuddling her, filming her every 5 minutes (in my heart I knew what was happening), on the 12 of December I brought her to the vet in the morning, she could barely move inside the box, she was heavily breathing and in pain even if she didn't show with sounds. 

The vet looked at me and asked me the question I never wanted to be asked. I started crying desperately and said that I couldn't to it like this, I had to take a bit of time, it was too painful even thinking about it.

I went back home, crying, I placed my little baby with her face in the sun like she used to do most days, she loved the sun, and crying I kissed her promising that soon it would all be over, that i wouldn't allow her to suffer. I brought her back to the vet and at midday, in my arms, with my face buried in her fur crying, I said goodbye to my little angel. 

We had so many memories together in 17 years. I helped her delivering her kitties, she traveled with me on planes, buses, trains, overnight ferries.... I loved her more than word could never express. 

The painI feel remembering the moment she died in my arms is so unbearable that for a few weeks i completely shut it down and worked 20 hours per day. But when I lower the guard and allow my emotions to show.... IT'S DEVASTATING. I can't stop crying, i can't eat, I am angry at the world, my sadness is truly unbearable and i can't remember the last time I smiled.

My boyfriend understands the situation and he is super sweet but nothing can truly help me, it's like a good part of me died with her that day.

The void she left in the house is... unspeakable. My heart is broken and I cry every day when i'm not working.

i know that i should give it time but even if I knew it would have been hard, i couldn't imagine how hard. I don't think I can live like this, is too painful. Does it get better? It's been almost a month and for me is only getting worse. much worse.

Please help me...
Thank you










pansy

Registered:
Posts: 599
 #2 
Her passing is still very recent.  I lost my boy about 4 1/2 weeks ago and I still break down at home crying when I think about him not being there.  Especially at night because he always slept with me and I can't fall asleep without hearing his contented purring.  The passing of time will help lessen the pain and it will get better.  You can't rush the grieving process but eventually you will adjust.  I've gone through this 6 times now and it's always painful but I know eventually it will get better.  I'm so very sorry for you loss.
catz

Registered:
Posts: 7
 #3 

It will get better with time. I found it helpful to write down all of my favorite things about my cat. All the sweet things he did. I miss him terribly and I expect him to be places he is not...I anticipate him jumping up on my bed, but there is nothing...so I write and I write about his sweet behaviors and I photo journal about his life and I feel better. I even composed him a letter, and that was tough to write. Find a way to memorialize her. 

Try to remember the love you felt and know that grief is the price we must all pay for feeling so deep. It's better to have loved and lost than not loved at all. Focus on your good memories and the gift of having her in your life...even though it is often too short. 

Time will heal, and the pain will turn into sweet memories of love. 

InMemoryOfRascal

Registered:
Posts: 2,440
 #4 
Gogo's mom - I am so very sorry for your loss.  Unfortunately I have been where you are - and wondered the same thing.  (You can go back and read some of my posts.)  When I lost my Rascal I didn't think it was possible to hurt so much, honestly didn't know how to make it through.  This board helped me so much.  People here told me that it would get better with time.  I don't know if I believed them but I held onto those words - clung to them.  And you know, they were right.  It didn't happen quickly or suddenly; didn't happen over night.  But it does get better.  There will be a time when the first thought of Gogo isn't about your last moments but more focus on the years of love shared.  The love in your heart that you share with Gogo, is forever.

Take care
InMemoryOfRascal
LesleyR

Registered:
Posts: 7
 #5 
Clelia,
I am so very sorry for your loss - I had to say goodbye to my cat Tux (my sunshine) last Monday, and I am struggling.  He was my child, my baby, and it hurts so terribly much.  You are not alone - please know that - let's walk this journey together.

When we love someone so deeply and to the ends of the earth, we are going to feel their loss so much deeper.  It is going to take a lot of time for us to move through this grief.  I have been suffering from anxiety and after doing some reading, this is very normal.  We have to allow ourselves time to feel sad and anxious, and know that some days will be easier than others.  Are there specific times of day that are hardest for you?  I find it hardest when I'm alone or when it's dark out. 

I was talking to my Mom this morning, as I was feeling anxious, and she told me that I was expecting a lot of myself, expecting it to not hurt so much.  I am going to try to stay in the moment as much as I can throughout the days ahead, and allow myself to feel what it is I feel, and tell myself it is okay.  

I am trying to look at pictures of Tux and remember all of the fun and snuggles we had, because I want long-term to look at his pictures and remember how much love we shared.  I also am going to volunteer to help with fundraising for our SPCA in memory of Tux - is there a rescue that you can volunteer some time helping?  Maybe fundraising?  I am hoping that channeling some of my time and energy into helping other cats will help heal my heart a little bit.

You are not alone - please keep me updated with how you are doing - it feels unbearably hard sometimes and we need to lean on each other.
tayy478

Registered:
Posts: 4
 #6 
My dog of 14 years got put to sleep a few days ago and it’s so painful and I feel like I’ve haven’t let myself grieve properly and everyone around me is expecting me to be over it by now...
Daisydoo16

Registered:
Posts: 2
 #7 
So sorry for you loss and pain, I had to help my Daisy pass last Sunday she would of been 16 in Feb. it’s so painful. I guess the only thing we can do is hold on to those precious memories and what’s helped me is creating a pet memorial.
Nic07

Registered:
Posts: 4
 #8 
So sorry for your loss. I feel your pain. I’ve had my cat for 14 years and live alone. When I’m at work and busy, things are fine. But when I come home and don’t see her running to the door to greet me, or when I walk into my room and don’t see her cuddled up on my bed, it’s heart breaking. I put her down on the weekend and I’m feeling like I will never not feel like this. I don’t want to be home without her but I also have no energy to get out and socialize or do anything.
Reading your posts and sharing my feelings here is helping. I feel like others don’t understand. Thanks for being here.
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