Petloss.com Logo. Puff and Midget under the rainbow

ALL the Pet Loss Message Boards are moderated to make this an ABSOLUTELY SAFE place for you to find support.
You must REGISTER before you can post or reply.
Posts and replies cannot be viewed until after they have been checked for content & released by the Board Moderators. - EdW
Pet Loss Grief Support Message Board
Sign up  |   |   |  Latest Topics
 
 
 


Reply
  Author   Comment  
Ballouey91

Registered:
Posts: 3
 #1 
I’m at a loss for words and what to do. I went away for th weekend and left my 2 young kids at home with my husband for 3 days. I have never had a weekend away since having them. This was a big deal. I also left our two rescue dogs in his care. Today I got the worst call of my life while 1500 miles away and I’m writing this on the plane trying to get back to be there for my kids.

Somehow my boy Ballou got into our parked car in the driveway. It was 85 degrees today. My husband is beyond confused and devastated because h knows he shut the car doors. He even got the dog out of the car because he was looking for food. Always did. He thinks maybe one of the kids left a door open on the other side and the dog found his was back in. He has no idea how the door shut but it really doesn’t matter. All that matters is he’s gone and my husband screwed up.

Ballou was ALWAYS around us. always looking for food or a snuggle. I mean he always followed me everywhere. I’m so mad that no one noticed he wasn’t there. He was in the car suffering.

How do I get over this? How do I not resent and hate my husband for not paying attention? And how do I ever leave again and feel like my kids and dogs are going to be ok.

We’ve now lost three dogs in 4 years. The first one had to be put down because he but our child and was not rehomeable. The second was 13 with cancer. And now this. I don’t feel like I can get past this.

We also have our newest rescue still with us. Part of me just wants to rehome her because I can’t do this anymore, I love dogs more than anything and want to rescue them all. But I just feel like we failed Ballou and I can’t do any more loss. I’m truly devastated.
KatKat

Registered:
Posts: 171
 #2 
What a terrible thing for you and your family.  So many losses and then this one, such a tragic accident.  No one meant for this to happen.  Given the circumstances surrounding Ballou's death, it's understandable that you feel devastated and have so many thoughts running through your mind but please don't rush to rehome your new dog, you need time to process all of this. 

Because of my error, my dog killed my kitten right in front of me 3 weeks ago today.  The guilt, sadness and what if's have been devastating.  I took so many precautions, didn't leave my dog alone with her, kittie proofed the area I kept her in and it still happened.  I, like you, love animals and want to rescue them all.  Part of my grief with regard to all of this is that as long as I have my dog I can never have another pet in my home with him.  I initially couldn't even engage with my dog because I was so sickened and angry by the event.  My dog knew things were different and you could see it.  My interactions with him have improved, in the end he's an animal and he reacted over a toy and, unfortunately, I lost my kitten over it.


 I have been seeing a counselor and she referred me to someone who does a special type of intervention called EMDR.  I am gradually moving through the grieving process, I still have my moments but I'm not crying all day anymore.  I still miss her desperately and my thoughts run to the occurrence here and there but then I try to busy myself and my mind with something else.

Just like me, your husband didn't mean for this to happen.  Should we have been more vigilant, more aware - yes but we do the best we can in life.  Again, so sorry that this happened to all of you.  Please keep coming back to the forum, it has helped me.


MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 195
 #3 
I'm sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you are going through. The pain and loss you are experiencing.  Your poor dog.  All the losses you've had.  Your new dog needs a loving home. Please give yourself more time to think about her future. She just went through a loss, too. 

You asked how not to resent and hate your husband.  I'm going through that. It's 5 months and I'm still working on that. My husband had an impulsive brainy idea to get dental cleaning for 2 of our dogs, at a different vet. I was totally against it from the start. He was persistent. My mistake, not to fight it, though I had intentions of canceling. I feared the worst and I was concerned about my dog's (Parker) anxiety. The appt came, I absentmindedly overlooked canceling. On Xmas Eve, he dropped him off, and Parker never came home alive. A routine dental, 6-year old healthy dog.  Did my husband mean to harm Parker? I'm sure he did not. He was his favorite.  The problem is he was too persistent about something voluntary that I was opposed to, and would not listen to me.

I can relate to not knowing what to do about your feelings about your husband.  I've been full of emotions and it's been 5 months. I haven't found the strength to fully forgive him, because I haven't forgiven myself because I didn't follow my intuition. That's my guilt.  I've been crying for 5 months.  I miss my dog every day.  I have had some incidences in the past where my husband was not careful with our dogs. I'm not saying your husband is the same way, but I understand sometimes we feel can only trust ourselves.  I'm still at odds with my husband for my loss because my pain is still raw for me.

Bottom line, the vet let my dog die, but I still have bad feelings that my husband pushed for this and then I never put a stop to it like I wanted. On top of my grief, I'm fighting myself and my feelings towards my husband.  We are talking, but I don't feel the same for him right now. I'm hoping it passes and it will get better where I can trust him again, and forgive.  The pain and loss of my sweet little dog is too strong right now. I have been seeing a grief counselor for a month now,  my husband comes with me.  It's a slow process. I'm hoping it helps us.  I am going to ask about EMDR like KatKat has been doing.

Our losses are different, but similar. Different the way they happened, but similar in that both of our dogs Ballou and Parker, were close to us, followed us all over, always looking for food, and a snuggle. So very similar.  Because of his nature, the loss is great in my home. You may be feeling the same, too.  Ballou and Parker's passing were unexpected, sudden, tragic, and neither of us had any control over it and we didn't get to say goodbye.  It's something I've never experienced.  I'm not sure how to deal with this, reason I go to a counselor. 

I still have his 2 other brothers who miss him dearly. I know they are missing Parker.  I feel I failed Parker, but I have to give my love to these guys.  They are at a loss.  I have to be strong for them.  By the way, all my dogs were rescues. 

You need to be strong for your other dog. She's at a loss now and if you rehome her, she will experience another loss, you and your family. If you rehome her, you never know where she will wind up. Maybe abused.  You can give her the best home.   I think she needs you and you need her to comfort each other. Our pets have such a way to comfort us in a way people don't. 

Please keep us posted how you are doing. You can private message me if you need to. I hope you can forgive.  I hope you keep your new girl and share love and comfort. She needs you and your family.  ~ Parker's Mom

MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 195
 #4 
Ballouey91,
I wrote you earlier. I just saw one of your posts on another person's page. Your story hits home for me. The situation with our husbands, the tragic nature of each, and I read Ballou was young, only 8 and a Basset/Beagle.  I have a soft spot for hounds. I have a Beagle and my other is a Chihuahua-Beagle, his brother Parker who passed away was also a Chihuahua-Beagle. Mine were all rescues.

Your story brings me to tears.  I wish there was something I could say to make it better for you.  I'm heartbroken what happened to Ballou. I wish I was there to help him. I wish I never lost my Parker.  Like I mentioned in my other post, neither of us got to say goodbye to our babies. I am so sorry. I feel like it's my loss, too.  Like Ballou, my Parker was robbed of his life, too.  He was 6.  I'll never understand why these things happen.  I've been sad and angry, and confused, too. I'm dealing with guilt and I resent my husband. It's been a difficult 5 months. I cry almost every day.  It takes time.  I dread the day these guys pass. I'm hoping I am spared and it is a very long time from now. Another passing could put me over the edge. As it is, my Chi-Beagle, Porter, is being treated for pancreatitis. I can't  and I don't want to lose him. 

Please give more thought in keeping your new rescue. She is probably feeling the pain you are. She knows something's up. She needs you.  She's alone now. You can comfort each other. Your home is best for her. Someone else may mistreat her. There's a reason you have rescues.  You love dogs very much. - Parker's Mom
Ballouey91

Registered:
Posts: 3
 #5 
Hi. They sure do seem pretty similar. It’s such a ridiculous shame. I am completely reeling because I was so far away, never saw this coming, never said goodbye, and believe it never would’ve happened if I hadn’t left. I’m not blaming my husband because he is a HUGE dog lover too. But, he’s also just not as on top of things as I am. I would’ve noticed if Ballou wasn’t around. We had just been saying lately that of all our 4 dogs, he’s the most liked by all our friends and family. He was such a gentle sweet boy. And he had so much more life to live. I can’t get over it.

As for our new girl, Winnie, we’ve only had her 6 months. We got her to be a companion for Ballou. Which totally sucks because we got Ballou to be a companion for our 12 year old dog who ende up dying of cancer 4 months later. It makes no sense! None of it! She’s a sweetheart but she’s still adjusting to life here. She and Ballou were just figuring out there place in the pack. I honestly just can’t deal with any more loss. It is destroying me. She does seem sad today and I feel terrible. Words can’t describe how much I love my dogs and we rescue to give sweet dogs a chance at a good life. She is just tat. For now I will focus all my love on her. Well, and my kids. But dog love is different. They make everything better. I just don’t know if I can get through thus without turning sour towards it all.
KatKat

Registered:
Posts: 171
 #6 
My hope also is that you keep your rescue.  It's obvious that you love dogs very much.  What better home is that?  I hear your concerns and worries but as I wrote previously, you need to process things.  When my dog killed my kitten, the first thing I thought was to get rid of my murdering dog.  This is a dog that I have loved for several years and has been nothing but a loving pet to myself and my husband.  He thinks he's a lap dog whenever someone visits.  He is a rescue.  My husband told me I need to think through things because in the end he is an animal and he reacted out of instinct.  It took me some time to come around but I'm glad I didn't do it.  I know that I can never have another pet in my home and that is difficult but I can't give up on my boy.  My thoughts are with you and your family during this difficult time.  


MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 195
 #7 
Ballouey91
i read this and I'm in disbelief as I'm sure you are.  It's so sad. Just like my "nightmare" I have always felt it was preventable. I don't believe in fate when we have choices. I had choices that I neglected to act on. I am kicking myself every day for 5 months. I hope one day I can s
top, it's tearing me up inside.  None of us saw either of these coming, we certainly would have stopped it. Yours and min were somehow oversights. 

My baby Parker who passed sounds like Ballou. A little 13 lbs. dog who was the pack leader. He got everything going here. He was our rock, our hero, our best friend, lovable and best friend to his brother and his Beagle brother. They are missing him. I see how they are. He was the life here, the sunshine, everything good bottled up in a little dog.  He, like Ballou, had so much to live for. He loved life.  Everything made him happy.  He could groom his brothers for hours to show his love.  Why I hurt so bad. I am dying inside.  His only weakness was his fear of being handled by strangers. I feel so guilty putting him in that predicament. We both knew how fearful he was, and this was a strange vet.  He should have never been there in the first place. That's where I feel my loss was preventable. I am filled with regret.  I'm living in guilt, sorrow, grief, and so much pain.  I've been trying to write letters to to him. I heard it helps. I'm not sure. I just want to see him in my dreams and at Rainbow Bridge when the time comes.

If you get a chance, I wrote a tribute to Parker on my page the other day. I spoke of him making everything right here. He is so very missed. A very special little guy.  It's one of the last posts from me.  

Winnie was rescued by you to give her a better home. Who knows what life she had before. She deserves happiness like all of us.You can give that to her. She will bring you happiness. I feel my 2 guys help keep my love alive for my little Parker. I have to care for and be strong, like Parker was when he was here.  Winnie will give you immeasurable love that you can return to her. 

I hear you about loss. This is my first loss and I am a wreck, mostly because of the circumstances. When I had the 3, I wasn't worried. I thought they'd all live to their lifespan, 15-20 years. Now, I see that isn't always true. I am worrying now about them. I don't want another loss. It won't be fair to them. Forget about me. They deserve life. They are here to make us happy. They don't ask for much. 

Please, if you find yourself progressing, and moving forward, I could use some advice. I'm still at the self guilt-blame, bitterness for husband, grief, and nonacceptance stage. I've been hit very hard, this is my first loss and not the typical type.  

Please come back to this forum. You will receive positive messages and hope while you grieve and heal.  I am so sorry.  ~ Parker's Mom
Previous Topic | Next Topic
Print
Reply

Quick Navigation:

Easily create a Forum Website with Website Toolbox.

If you can, please help support this Message Board with a donation: