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Martha2

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Posts: 13
 #1 
It's going to be a year in a few weeks, and I am dreading it for a few reasons.

I don't really feel much better now than I did when it happened. I cry most days, and think I am actually depressed now.

I dwell on stuff, and I know that I will start thinking about what was happening on  the days last year.

There's also a part of me that doesn't want that time to pass. The more time passes, the longer ago it was that my little cat buddy was here, and the less everyone cares. I don't think anyone I know realises how much I miss the little guy, and how much it hurts now that he's gone. It's been a rough year. If I'm honest, most of it has kind of just kind of passed me by.

ItWillTakeTime

Registered:
Posts: 43
 #2 

All I can say is that I am going through the same. I put my beloved K down a year ago in late September. I was missing him tonight and crying and jumped on the board  . . . and here you are. Yes, it was a rough year. One of the roughest, and I've had some bad ones. I don't know how I got through those first six months. They were a blur.

I know that I put him down for all the right reasons and probably at the right time (or even a little late). I know I saved him from inevitable further suffering. Still, there is nothing natural or easy about killing the being that you love most in the world. 

You are right, I don't talk to anyone about it except here. Here, on this board at least, I know people will understand that it still hurts. That I still miss him. That often I still feel as if I am on automatic pilot.

K was the center of my joy and now he is gone for the rest of my life. I can only nurture a hope that there is something that comes afterwards that we will both share.

I can say that I am crying less often now. I cry when I think of him, but I am more in control of when I decide to allow myself to think of him. And I am (mostly) free of the agonies of guilt that came with his last days as I tried to figure out if there was something else I should have done for him, could have done for him, whether I put him down too early or too late, listened to the wrong vet, didn't listen to the right vet, didn't take him to some other vet.

Your cat buddy was a gift to you. It does not matter if anyone else knew . . . because you were the recipient of that gift, just as you were his gift.

Maybe don't spend the anniversary alone in the house? Find someone you are close to or enjoy to spend the time with?

Big hugs to you. This board understands.


grievingmom

Registered:
Posts: 639
 #3 
Dear Martha2,

Whe Tum's 1 year anniversary came, I became hysterical because it was real. She really was dead. It crushed me that a year had past and she hadn't come back. I was waiting for her to come back, for this all to be a dream. But upon realizing she had been "missing" a year, well the wake up call that this was real, was shattering. The ache in my heart was real. I could feel it.

However...these kinds of experiences propel us closer to healing. I became more aware that Tum really was dead and it helped me some to come out of denial. As long as I was in denial I couldn't  fully heal. And that's how the experience of the 1 year anniversary helped me. It pushed me closer to healing. The experience of being in denial for me was a very painful place. A place of unreality, of dread, of well, horror. Being forced to come out of that horrible place was a blessing in disguise.

Sure, I was a nervous wreak and crying and hysterical but I needed to be pushed into the next phase of healing. Staying where I was, was not helping me at all. But I did not know that. The fact she had died was too painful for me to accept. I was not ready to accept it. Her 1 year anniversary forced me to move forward. And I needed that badly.

Take care.

Stephanie
overwhelmed

Registered:
Posts: 63
 #4 
Oh my gosh..the dreaded and awful anniversaries!!!
In a few hours it will be exactly one week. It feels like yesterday...but it also seems like forever since I held my dear sweet boy. And the thought that I will never hold him again, is agonizing!!!

Martha2..I so get your comment about not wanting time to pass either. The more time that goes by..the longer you have been apart from your love. And all the more HEALED you should be..but arent.

Only a handful of people know about my loss and my grief. Others in my life aren't animal folk and most certainly won't get it. I hate wearing the fake happy face.Unfortunately it isnt always possible to surround ourselves with folk who understand.

Nice to be here with people who do.
michelledimarco

Registered:
Posts: 27
 #5 
My Chewy will be gone a year December 6th. I disappeared from this message board for months because the stories broke my heart too much. It gets easier but the pain is still so raw. I'm sorry for your loss. I don't cry every day because I have to push her out of my mind. I break down when I think about her. I'm depressed too, most definitely
MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 194
 #6 
Martha, I know what you are going through.  My dog of a little over 6 passed on Xmas Eve and it all went dark that day.  I had him cremated on Jan 3rd.  There will be no holiday this year. I've ripped off the calendar page for December. I will not make any appointments until after Jan 4th. 

I am still a mess. You are not alone in your grief. My dog is in a box in a bag in a cabinet that I have not opened since last year.  I don't go near it. I am still not ready. I am in denial.

I am broken. I cry. I write to him. He's a dog. He doesn't read.  In my mind, it gives me some kind of connection.  This house has gone dark without him. 

I don't know how long grief is supposed to take. If I'm supposed to be better by now, I guess I broke the rule.

I hope you are okay when the time comes. I have a hard time referring to it as an anniversary because anniversaries have always been fun.  I can only call it "that time."  

Take care. I hope you have a support system when the time comes around.

~ Parker's Mom
overwhelmed

Registered:
Posts: 63
 #7 
Hi Michelledemarco so sorry to hear of the loss of your dear Chewy and the upcoming anniversary. I too come and go from this site. The important thing is it is here when I need it.
I push RIP out of my mind too.. it is the only way I can function. I am not sure the pain has lessened..I am just getting better at controlling the thoughts.
For me, it feels like RIP has been absent for so long now..and in other ways it feels like yesterday. Hard to believe life has gone on without him.
Try to get through .one day at a time....
buddy2k

Registered:
Posts: 103
 #8 
My Lilly will be gone a year on December 8th.  I have started re-living her last days, from when she first got sick last November, then, when we found out she had lymphoma (Nov. 16/19).
I stayed with her every night, all night, until she got too sick & stopped eating.  It really was devastating. She died in my arms, at home, very peacefully.  She was my heartcat.  She was so sweet & special, unlike any pet I've ever had.
She was my shadow.  She stuck to me every waking minute.  She couldnt bear to be apart from me.  We were a team.
Our bond was incredible.  She was almost 7 years old - very young to get so sick.  Yet, she lived a big life, she was always so happy & content.  I often thought that I wish I could live the
way she lived her life.  Just plain & simply happy - All The Time.  I honestly don't think I will ever get over losing her.  Maybe one day, but, no idea when that will happen.  I'm not sure when I will ever be
happy about the Christmas season either.  Maybe one day.  Maybe not.  Onward we go, because we have to... who knew grief was this large - it literally takes my breath away sometimes.
MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 194
 #9 
I'm sorry about Lilly and that the time is coming around. She was young, just as with my Parker. He was a little over 6 and that time is coming up for me. Christmas Eve to be exact. For that reason, I cannot celebrate anything in December, including my birthday. I just don't feel it and it doesn't feel right. I bet the vet who killed my dog will be enjoying his holidays, I'm sure he enjoyed them last year while mine went dark. His fun will end when the state cites him on all the laws he broke and his lies. Karma. My dog would be here if he did everything by the book like an honest vet.

I know how you are feeling about the holidays. For me, I don't feel it's fair when my dog is in a box that I haven't even been able to look at.

I'm sorry about Lilly. She had her share of suffering. Whatever you do, do what you feel in your heart. If you have a quiet holiday you have nothing to feel guilty about. You may need the quiet time to reflect. ~ Parker's Mom
michelledimarco

Registered:
Posts: 27
 #10 
overwhelmed and buddy2k I'm sorry for your losses. The grief definitely does take your breath away. It hurts more than I ever imagined. Chewy was getting older and we talked about the seizure that would probably end her life but when the time came, we weren't prepared. I was trying to prepare my heart for what it was eventually going to feel but it's a much heavier load than I intended on carrying. My body is just not equipped for this kind of grief. There will always be a hole in my heart and holidays will never be the same. Hugs to all of you
overwhelmed

Registered:
Posts: 63
 #11 
Hi buddy2k ..your post made me cry..I am so sorry about Lilly's loss. Your love for her and your pain resonates with me as a result of the loss of my soul cat RIP. He was so loving, calm and happy and had to be with me all the time too.
So hard that your one year is coming up, I bet all the painful memories become fresh.
We were the lucky ones to have such bright lights in our lives..
buddy2k

Registered:
Posts: 103
 #12 
Thanks everyone, for all the responses.  I'm so sorry for all of your (our) losses.  It's comforting to be amongst those who know how painful it is, and how we feel.
I would never ever in my life have believed, just how deep the pain goes.  We were so lucky to have these sweet souls in our lives.  Very lucky.
There will always be an ache in my heart.  It's gotten less painful, but it still hurts and I doubt it will ever go away.
Hugs & love to all of you. 
grievingmom

Registered:
Posts: 639
 #13 
It doesn't go away but it gets manageable. And you have reprieves from it for times that can last longer and longer. But it lingers and is always there.

And you know what? There is nothing wrong with this. It's very average and make sence that a sad spot would be in your heart. (our hearts).

I consider myself kind of new at this ....having sadness long after a death.. as I have never experienced this kind of pet loss before.....but from what I understand, it is not some pathological sign or anything. I mean not to be funny but look how people gather and mourn Elvis on his anniversary of this death and other celebrities. 

I long to hold my pets, to talk to them, to smell them and to touch them. I long to laugh out loud with them over their antics, to tease them...to feed them food that they adored and to spray catnip mist for my cats and toss toys around for my dog. I miss all of that stuff. I miss having a car buddy too.

- Stephanie
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