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Billysmum

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Posts: 25
 #1 
Hi everyone,

I am hoping that I will find people on this very lovely message board who can help me.

I had to make the traumatic decision to let my Billy go on Tuesday afternoon.  Since then I have been overcome with doubt and guilt about whether my decision was pre-mature and I should have waited a little bit longer.

Billy got sick with a snotty nose and lots of sneezing about 2 months ago.  The vet suspected a tumor but his blood results were negative so he was put on antibiotics.

His nose got more blocked on one side & his tear duct on that side also seemed to be blocked.  He then started getting blood noses like a human - lots of bright red blood gushing out so I took him back to the vet a month after the first visit.  He was anesthetised and his nose/tear duct flushed.  His further blood tests & x-rays came back clear.

Anyway, he was still uncomfortably blocked & the blood noses continued but I just kept hoping each new day I woke he would be better again.  

However, on Sunday night he took a turn for the worst.  I am not sure whether he was sneezing or coughing or even possibly fitting but he did this for about an hour before his nose started to run blood again.  This blood was more than I had ever seen and when he was trying to eat it was filling his bowl and went everywhere else for another 2 hours.  He started to have real trouble breathing and each breath  sounded like a loud human snore.  He had to keep his mouth open wide to breath and he was mechanically having trouble eating.

I took him to the vet on Monday and they told me the prognosis was not good.  They believed it best that I end his suffering.  I was not ready for this and questioned why his tests were all clear & the vet told me that blood tests only pick up 2 types of cancer in cats & the x-ray would only show a very large tumor or one that damaged the bone.  To get a CT I would have had to travel another 7 hours and have him anesthetised again & given he was 18 years old this was considered risky.  I asked the vet to flush him again as best as possible without sedation and he was given more Antibiotics & pain meds.  

He came home Monday night but was absolutely no better.  All night he couldn't get comfortable and his breathing was getting worse.  He could not eat and I was trying to feed him through a syringe (as instructed by vet).  I decided I would give myself a couple of days to decide what to do re: euthanasia.  I knew he was very old and was so uncomfortable and seemed to be getting worse.

Anyway, Tuesday morning (after no sleep) he was outside my bedroom door trying to miaow but could barely do so as he was so blocked up.  He was really hungry & went straight to his bowl but could not mechanically eat even though he was trying so hard.  I then tried grated cheese (his favourite) & he could not eat this either.  I tried to feed him through the syringe but he tolerated a tiny amount before refusing to open his mouth.  I felt helpless and horrible seeing how he could not breathe properly, eat at all, and he could not get comfortable.  His whole demeanor was down.  

I made the decision that I could not wait another day or two as he was struggling and I felt he kept looking at me pleading for me to help.  I put him on the bed & I spent his last 5 hours by his side patting him, cuddling him & trying to comfort him.  I did not want him to have to endure more days/hours like this & as there was nothing more medically we could do & he was 18 years old I decided I could do the kindest thing & let him go.  

I held him as he passed & felt his body go limp.  I then immediately regretted it.  I thought that maybe I should have stuck to my original word & tried a few more days.  The vet said it was better for him to go with his dignity & a little part of himself rather than wait until he was practically starved to death or choked on all his mucous but this guilt/doubt is all consuming.  I know I can't take it back & everyone tries to reassure me it was his time but I just feel so bad.  My partner saw him the day before he passed & said he noticed him going down for months & he had been off his food for the past week.  He believes he would have passed in the next day or two on his own & I made sure his death was painless but I just can't believe it.

I feel like I have totally betrayed my Billy.  He trusted me to protect him & care for him & I carried him in my arms & paid for him to be killed.  It is eating me up inside.  It feels like some people on these boards wait for quite a long time before they make the decision - therefore really knowing there was nothing to be done but I feel because I was so upset with Billy's condition I did not give him a proper chance.  

I wondered if there was anyone else on this board that also felt that doubt/guilt over making the premature decision to end their baby's life.  If so, what has helped you through?

Also, I am interested to see what other caring pet lovers/guardians think after reading about Billy.  Do you agree I didn't wait long enough?

Thanks very much,
Jacqui




JasminesRaja

Registered:
Posts: 23
 #2 
Jacqui, this is heartbreaking. You made me cry while reading this. While I have not hit the full stage of regrets and doubts, they do pass my mind. My mom made the appointment for me to put my babygirl to sleep. I woke up being told that it was ultimately "my decision", but the appointment had been set.

You knew your Billy baby best. I think if you felt anywhere in your heart that it was his time, then eventually you will realize you did not make a mistake. Billy sounds like he was suffering a lot. But Billy also had 18 amazing years with you. You made the decision to not let him suffer in pain anymore. It sounds like he would have just gotten worse each day and could have died very painfully. You gave Billy the best gift you could have by being there and letting him pass peacefully.

With my Raja, my decision came in just an hour. I came down to her and she gave me that look, just like your Billy did you. That look of lost pain and wanting help. She went from being my lively, spunky girl to being a shell of a dog in less than a week. I regret making my decision so quickly, but since her heart was failing her, I knew from Tuesday that our days would be number. I didn't think they would have been so few, but like you, I saw my baby go downhill and couldn't let her suffer so painfully anymore. I wanted to scream "no" when the vet put the needle in, I felt regret immediately. I wanted to make him stop. But sometimes we cannot be selfish, I suppose, no matter how it breaks out heart.

I think you made the right choice for Billy. You knew in your heart what he needed. He told you in that special way only us momma's know or else you would have never thought to make that appointment.

I hope this regret fades for you soon. I know the heartbreak you are going through. Try to focus on the special love you shared with Billy.

"I will take with me the memories to be my sunshine after the rain,
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday."
ianinclevelanduk

Registered:
Posts: 102
 #3 
Firstly am so sorry youve lost Billy,it always brings feelings of guilt certainly for a whime,but reading your story(which made me cry) i think you made the right decision for Billy,from your story it seems he was getting worse by the day and wouldnt eat,once they stop eating for a few days then theyre dying.youve had 18 lovely years with him and nothing can break that bond.Try to  focus on the good times rather than the past few days/weeks.

Jasmine the same will happen to you,going through a guilty phase is quite normal but you did your best for Raja who from what ive read (and has made me cry again), by the sounds of it hed had enough of living in that body.That sounds bad but while hes in heaven/rainbow bridge he will become the happy healthy dog you remember

Ian
TeeJayDe

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Posts: 339
 #4 
We all second guess ourselves when we have to make this decision.
Your sweet Billy was clearly suffering.  No doubt it would have gotten a lot worse.
I think you did what needed to be done. You set him free from his suffering and I'm sure if he could, he'd thank you for it.
Try not to beat yourself up.. you clearly loved Billy and he loved you too.

(((hugs)))
Terri
MyBoyRusty

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Posts: 13
 #5 
Jacqui ((((hugs)))) and prayers for you and your furbaby. Reading about your last few days with your Boy made me weep. 
Your Billy sounds like the sweetest little Boy and unfortunately you had to make the decision to take his pain away from him and place it in your own heart.

Please know that the doubt and the guilt that you are feeling now is all part of the grieving process and only time will heal this pain/doubt/guilt.

I lost my sweet Boy Rusty 16 days ago and it was a total shock as it all came on so suddenly.  In all honesty my Rusty wasn't really suffering, he just kept tripping over his front legs and collapsing due to his arthritis in his rear hips and elbows.  He was like this for 2 days before I had to make the decision to let him go (vet said it was neurological and that it would only get worse)  My mum had to sign the consent form because I wasn't ready to let him leave me behind.  
I still, even now regret my decision and wonder if I should have waited a few more days. Had I known the outcome of the visit to the vet before we went I don't honestly think I would have turned up to the appointment.
For me personally I don't think the doubt and guilt of letting him go when I did will ever leave me, but everyone is different.

From what I have read about your baby it sounds like he was very ill and the decision you made to let him go was for the best.  
It may not feel like it now hun but it does get better and the pain does fade with time.

Try to remember all the love that you shared and all the precious memories you have of him and just know that Billy is always with you and will always be in your heart.

You will find a lot of comfort, help and advice on these boards and the chat room, so just remember you are not alone.

Hugs and prayers
Jenni
MyBoyRusty's Mummy

Billysmum

Registered:
Posts: 25
 #6 

Thank you so much JasminesRaja.  I was so comforted by your post.  

I definitely do try to keep in mind that I would never have made the decision lightly & that it was likely just my guilt playing tricks with me.  Realistically he had been on meds & had lots of investigations over 2 months. He was also quite an old cat and survived a trip to New Zealand from Australia when we moved last year so had done a lot of living :)

Your feelings with Raja when the vet put the needle in is exactly how I felt but I knew that I couldn't do anything to bring him back.

I just keep seeing Billy in all his usual spots that he liked to curl up or in the kitchen when he liked to miaow incessantly for food.  I try to think of these memories with a smile but often I get a pang in my heart.

I will post a pic up shortly of my baby.

Thanks again for your kind words.  It is nice to feel like I am not alone in this journey :)

Raja was lucky to have such a lovely, caring Mum :)

StanleysDaddy

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Posts: 150
 #7 
Dear Jacqui,

I am very sorry for what you have gone through.

Fighting for breath is one of the most extreme forms of discomfort any creature can endure. I think you made a wise, albeit very difficult choice. Billy is now at peace. Remind yourself that you provided him with a kind and loving home while he was here amongst us. And I would encourage you to spend lots of time in this forum, if you have the time available. Helping others can be a great solace.

Your friend,
Robert
(Stanley's Daddy, beloved tabby kitty)
joanmard

Registered:
Posts: 84
 #8 
Dear Jacqui,
I totally relate to your experience and I understand the pain of your loss.  We euthanised my 17 year old cat, Willow, and I had (and still am not completely resolved on this) so much regret and guilt- yes, even minutes after it happened.  Like you, we chose not to do any further testing because we determined that if it was cancer, we would not treat her at her age.  When I look back on her last few months, I saw her doing less, eating less, walking less, and had some trouble breathing.  She also had bloody nose the last 2 days.  We never got a diagnosis and I am still haunted by the possibility that whatever was wrong might have been fixable.  But no matter how much more time we might have had with our sweet ones, it would never have been enough.  The vet who euthanised my cat (she was a special "hospice" vet who came to the house) made a comment that everyone is either "a day early or a day late."  I thought this was kind of harsh to say, but maybe there is some truth to it, and someone here on this board told me, and I can't remember the exact words, but something about how we helped our babies before they suffered too terribly much, and that is a generous act of love.  We helped them at the beginning of the process perhaps, but it was still the process of dying and leaving this world.  I've come to see that dying is a process, more than an event, and it often begins before we realize it. Sometimes it helps me to remember that it wasn't that my Willow was a young sprightly cat- she was old and starting to slowly fail and probably had some serious medical issues and that continuing to diagnosis and treat and probe and prod would have been worse for her.  Her last days would have been more miserable than they already were.  You wouldn't have made the decision you did if your sweet cat was fine- he wasn't fine- there was something very wrong with him.  Treating that may have prolonged his life, but it would likely have prolonged his suffering and your final months, rather than final days, would have been watching him struggle with dying.  I know how gut-wrenching this is.  Even after almost 2 months since Willow passed, I am still very sad and miss her every day.  I try not to think about her last 2 days- the decision, the final act of her passing, and to focus on the many wonderful years of having her as part of her family.  It's hard.  Very hard.  Please know you are not alone in this wondering and pain of the decision you made.  I understand what you are going through, and send you a virtual hug. 
InMemoryOfRascal

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Posts: 2,440
 #9 
I am so sorry for your loss of Billy.  The pain of losing your baby is extreme - and we always want to grasp on something to blame and question.  From your post I believe that you did everything that you could for Billy.  The doctor's couldn't find relief.  I think that no matter what you would question yourself.  If you waited and your boy suffered further, you would blame yourself for waiting and would feel guilty that your Billy suffered. 

But I know that your Billy knows he is loved and that you helped to ensure he did not suffer further.  And I believe that your Billy is remembering the love and great memories of 18 years, and not the final moments. 

Take care
InMemoryOfRascal
YorkieHeidi

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Posts: 1,541
 #10 
Dear Jacqui:  I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Billy.  After reading Billy's story, I really feel you did the right thing for him.  I would have done the same.  Please don't question your judgment.  Billy trusted you.  Trust yourself.  Again,  I really feel you did the right thing for Billy.  Hugs.  YorkieHeidi
Siriusnut

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Posts: 9
 #11 

I'm so sorry for your loss of such a wonderful little friend. I understand what you're going through. I share your feelings. My Rascal, at 21, was declining quickly, when he started having convulsions/siezures, I took him to the vet hoping for a cure and got only a sad faced vet who could offer me no hope.

 

Unlike some my vet told me I was making the right choice, that I was doing the best thing for Rascal, but as I felt him go limp in my arms, felt his last breath leave him, and heard the vet whisper "he's gone" I regretted my decision with every fiber of my being. I hate myself for what I did, I feel like a monster who didn't give her best friend a chance at recovery. I think it's part of going through this, this self blame, regret, anger. Others may have better insight but know you are not alone feeling as you do about the decision to put a beloved pet to sleep.

 

Warmest prayers for comfort.

Eddysmom1

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Posts: 2,537
 #12 

I am deeply sorry for the loss of your Billy.  Your story made me cry.  It is so clear how you tried to do everything you could to help your Billy.  Your love for him is also clear.  I think you made the very best decision to end his suffering when you did.  He needed you to set him free of his pain and discomfort.  You did that for him, it wasn't easy, but you did it because you love him so much.

The guilt comes along with loss, we all carry it for one reason or another.  I know, in time, we will all be kinder to ourselves and let go of that guilt and trade it in for the happy memories.  Again, I am so sorry you lost your Billy.

 

Take Care

 

Linda

Eddie's Mom

 

Molliesmama

Registered:
Posts: 374
 #13 
Dear Jacqui-

There is no doubt in my mind that you did a hard but brave thing by allowing Billy to go peacefully. I have had many beautiful animal friends over the years and once made the mistake of waiting too long to let one go. Believe me, that selfish mistake still haunts me. 

You will heal, in time, and be able to see Billy in your heart as he is now: healthy, happy, carefree, and surrounded by love.

laura
Billysmum

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Posts: 25
 #14 
To all the lovely people who have replied to me,

I am very appreciative of all your kind words.  They have truly helped me feel better and have contributed to my healing.  I have to keep trusting that I wouldn't have made my decision lightly.  It is just so hard not to replay those last days/moments and I can still see his face in my head when he had passed.  

But, this morning I had some good news.  I got my 'sign' from Billy that he was ok.  I asked him last night (at 4am due to lack of sleep) to give me a sign to tell me he was ok and I told him it had to be an unusual sign and I would look out for it.  I was awoken just after 10am this morning with an earthquake of 5.5.  Nobody was hurt and there was no property damage but it unmistakably shook the house and there were close to 400 reports of people feeling it.  I feel this was my Billy's sign and it was certainly unusual - I have never had one since moving here 18 months ago.  It was truly amazing.

My heart feels better today - thanks to Billy's sign and thanks to the wonderful, compassionate people on this message board who all stand in my shoes and make that painful decision out of love to help end their babies suffering.  Words cannot express how deeply you have touched my heart and helped me heal.  

This is my beautiful Billy's face.  

 
Malinka

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Posts: 8
 #15 
Your story of Billy's sign reminded me of something that happened the night we euthanized Bunsen.  When we got home from the vet empty-handed, I decided to take my dog on a walk, in hopes that it would make me feel better...I was still in shock and uncertain how to deal with not having Bunsie all of a sudden.  I prayed for a sign.  It was actually a very nice day, and we saw two things: a family of four bunnies that sat there and looked at us as we walked by and then ran off, one by one.  We also saw a cat, similar looking, outside that stalked us as we walked by and almost followed us home.  It may have been my imagination, but usually I don't see anything remotely as interesting on my walks. 
Also, in the mornings Bunsen would wake me up by laying on my chest and rubbing my face with his. About 4 days after he passed, I could have sworn he had done that/come to visit.  I was too afraid to open my eyes, of course, but for a moment I felt him there.
FloydsMom

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Posts: 13
 #16 

Jacqui,

 

I understand how you feel.  I had to make the same difficult decision for my kitty, Floyd on April 26th.  He was just over 18-1/2 yrs old.  It broke my heart as I'd had him since he was just 8 weeks old.  He was my baby, my best friend.  He was struggling too and gave me the "look" that pleaded to me... just as you experienced too.  And I too, was with him when he passed...

 

The guilt?  Oh yes...

 

But to not see him struggling anymore?  Relief... I must admit.

 

You did what you felt was right... for HIM.  You never would have done it if you didn't know and feel that it was right.  As a friend said to me "A decision made out of love is never the wrong decision".

 

He was a beautiful boy!  You were lucky to have one another!

 

 

 

scarlet812

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Posts: 33
 #17 

Billysmum, I am so sorry for your loss.  You did the right thing, IMO.  Poor baby, he only had more suffering ahead of him, and you spared him that, even though it hurt you to do it.  You chose to make his well being a higher priority than your emotions.   It takes courage to do that.

We put our 14 year old foster dog to sleep late in the fall because we didn’t want to put him through another winter, and we knew he was headed for pain and suffering, with arthritis and a sore spot that never would heal & kept getting bigger.  He’d been with us for 2 years, because he was pretty much unadoptable; not only was he old, not neutered, and a giant breed, over 100 lbs. but he bit the volunteer vet at his booster shot visit – nobody but crazy people like us would have wanted him.  LOL

It was very hard, but we truly felt more time would just mean more pain for him, and things would only get worse, never better.  He had two great years with us [he was abandoned when his owners couldn’t pay their house payment & they  moved out, leaving their pets], and I’m grateful for the time we had with him. 

What you’re feeling now is part of the process of getting through it, and I think everybody doubts themselves after the decision is made.  You are definitely among friends here, who understand and care.  Bless you and I wish you strength.

Molliesmama

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Posts: 374
 #18 
Billy is beautiful!
brenrae

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Posts: 4,781
 #19 
Billie is a beautiful cat.
Adammarksmom

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Posts: 561
 #20 
Do not ever doubt your love for Billy - that is the one thing you know for certain.  Therefore, never doubt that any decision you made was made because of that love for him.  Difficult, yes.  Painful, yes.  But always the love is there.  And because you loved him, you made the decision that was best for him, and not the one that was easiest for you.   That is the truest form of love, when you are willing to shoulder the pain so that the loved one can be free of pain.  Billy is beautiful and loved.  God bless you.
RaggedyAnn

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Posts: 32
 #21 
Billy was a baby doll. I'm sorry for the loss of your little angel.
kjgonz

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Posts: 602
 #22 
Billysmum, I just want to say how very sorry I am about Billy - what an absolutely gorgeous kitty!  You gave him the most wonderful, happy life in those 18 years!  Always know that.  That little face of his is pure love!  Please know we are thinking of you!
http://foreverrosie.pets-memories.com
Georgiesmommy

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Posts: 39
 #23 
I think we all feel guilt. All I could think was how could I be the one to make the decision that "today is the day"  - I had a long talk with the vet on the phone.  I said it is so hard because she is still eating and drinking water and looking like "her". She had lost all ability to get up and for a few days I helped her up but it got to the point where I couldn't even get her up without her immediately falling back down.   The vet told me...THAT is when you want to do it when they are still themselves if that makes sense...you know it isn't too late.  You dint want them in a lot of pain and begging to go.  I know I wouldn't have wanted that to be my last time with her.
It is still hard.  I know aside from mobility... she had bladder cancer and chronic renal failure but I could have kept her with me a while...it wouldn't have been fair.  I "self talk" all day though like you are doing.  And the vets wont tell you its time.  Georges vet told me I had to be 100% sure. But she did tell me...if you decide you are going to do this now, I will tell you it is not a wrong decision.  I hurt for you and everyone else going through this as I am sitting here knowing this pain all to well and knowing the guilt all too well.  I can only try to take comfort in that she is free of her pain and on four good legs running around hopefully playing with lots of balloons and bubbles with her Daddy (my husband who died 5 years ago who I know was there to greet her)
Hugs to you... you did right by him.  You clearly love him and put his needs and well being first. Please dint doubt this and I will work on doing the same about my George.
LousMama

Registered:
Posts: 308
 #24 
Jacqui I know exactly how you feel. I've been feeling nothing but guilt for the past 3 weeks and 5 days. Our cat Lucifer was nearly 6 years old and had lost function of his bladder. He couldn't pee and was in obvious discomfort but he didn't seem overly sick at all. It's made harder because one vet thought the tumor on his hip was pressing on the nerves to his bladder, where the other vet thought the tumor was unrelated and that he had a blockage. It's hard because we will never know. It sounds like you could see how much your Billy was suffering and as much as it hurts I'm sure you made the right decision for him. I think it's so hard to accept because it's ultimately our decision and we have to try to know what is the right thing to do even when the vets won't give us a solid answer. I also feel like we should have waited longer and regret doing it so soon but I know if we had of waited chances were he would have been truly suffering. You made a very unselfish choice for Billy and I'm sure he would understand why you did it and he'd probably even be grateful. He's on the other side now, healthy and whole again, and at least you know he'll never again be in pain or feel discomfort. 
I love the picture of Billy, he's such a beautiful kitty. I'm glad you got to spend 18 years with him; try and remember all the good times and know that he trusted you and he loved you.
Pattyt

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Posts: 1
 #25 
Billy's mom,
Back in November my dachshund slipped a disc in her back. We got over that only to have another one go back higher up her back four weeks ago. She was put on steroids, given steroid shots, pain meds and tranquilizers. None of them worked! Within a week Ber abdomen was distended and she could barely get down stairs and had to be carried up the stairs. A few days afterward she had bloody stools and sworn lymph nodes, diagnosed with pancreatitis. Put on a special diet and given antibiotics; within days she was moaning/whining/crying in pain continuously and nothing helped ease her pain. I was up almost every night cudlling her and loving her and not sleeping because she was in such pain and not sleeping. I knew it was selfish of me to make her suffer a life of pain just because I wasn't ready to say goodbye. I spent this past weekend loving and hugging her, telling her I loved her and would miss her. So this morning I took her to our vet, who agreed she was in an incredible amount of pain and nothing else could be done for her. I held her in my arms and cried she he gave her the injection and I said goodbye.
The guilt is eating me alive, no she couldn't climb stairs, control her bladder or bowels and was obviously in a great deal of pain. But even with all that she managed to get herself to the front door to meet me on Friday with her tail wagging and this morning I said let's go bye bye and she managed to get to the door, all the while crying in pain and wagging her tail. She loved to ride in the car with me and I feel so horrible that I stood there saying "let's go bye bye" and she was probably thinking she was going on a road trip and going to get a special treat from McDonald's while I was about to go pay so.some to kill her! The sensible Nurse I am knows I did what was best for her because I could not bare to watch her suffer any longer. But the furbaby mama in me misses my baby like crazy and it's only been 7 hours. It has been only her and I for the past 5 years and Lord knows I dread going home to an empty house and all of those memories...
Mandys_Mom

Registered:
Posts: 2,285
 #26 
Can I tell you something from someone who waited too long? On June 13, 2008, we had an appointment to put my Mandy to sleep. However, when we arrived, the vet said he didn't think she was quite ready and gave her a steroid. The next few weeks she acted like a puppy again. But then on July 3, 2008, I got home from work and knew she needed to see the vet. We got her in the car and she passed away by the time we got to the end of our street. The guilt that I felt for waiting too long was unbearable. If only I put her to sleep yesterday. If only I sat on the floor with her instead of putting her in the car that day, I could have been sitting with her when she passed. But I also could have sat there with her and she didn't pass, the vet would have closed, and the next day was the beginning of a long 4th of July weekend so the vet would not have been in. But still, if only I had sat with her instead, if only I had put her to sleep the day before, if only I had done this, if only I had done that. I concluded that no matter how or when it happens, we are going to feel guilty. We did it too soon, we waited too long, we should have done this or that, there is always guilt that comes with grief. We always kick ourselves afterward. Hindsight is 20/20 but we are all human and we did the best we could do with the information we had at the time. 
Mandys_Mom

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Posts: 2,285
 #27 
Can I tell you something from someone who waited too long? On June 13, 2008, we had an appointment to put my Mandy to sleep. However, when we arrived, the vet said he didn't think she was quite ready and gave her a steroid. The next few weeks she acted like a puppy again. But then on July 3, 2008, I got home from work and knew she needed to see the vet. We got her in the car and she passed away by the time we got to the end of our street. The guilt that I felt for waiting too long was unbearable. If only I put her to sleep yesterday. If only I sat on the floor with her instead of putting her in the car that day, I could have been sitting with her when she passed. But I also could have sat there with her and she didn't pass, the vet would have closed, and the next day was the beginning of a long 4th of July weekend so the vet would not have been in. But still, if only I had sat with her instead, if only I had put her to sleep the day before, if only I had done this, if only I had done that. I concluded that no matter how or when it happens, we are going to feel guilty. We did it too soon, we waited too long, we should have done this or that, there is always guilt that comes with grief. We always kick ourselves afterward. Hindsight is 20/20 but we are all human and we did the best we could do with the information we had at the time. 
Cfisher86

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Posts: 8
 #28 
I’m so sorry for you loss. I know it feels so extremely wrong when we are faced with a decision like that. But it sounds like he was so very uncomfortable and in pain. It’s absolutely heartbreaking to endure that and to see your babies go through that. You are a good mommy because you made that decision for Billy. You put him before yourself. Selfishly we want to keep them. Forever. But we have to think of how they are experiencing life. And sometimes we have to help them let go. It might take some time but you did the right thing. Grieve losing your baby. Anytime I feel sad about my Sweet P (I chose to euthanize her last week) I let myself cry. It usually doesn’t last much longer than a few minutes but I will always let myself be sad about her and miss her and grieve her. You did the right thing. Deep down you know you did. It will get better. Grieve your baby but be at ease knowing you did the right thing. Your baby is running around pain free in Heaven, waiting loyally for you ❤️ Much love ❤️
myOneAndOnlyOscarCat

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Posts: 5
 #29 
Im terribly sorry for your loss, that’s probably the hardest decision to make when it comes to our beloved pets health and safety, I believe you have done the right thing, billy didnt want to suffer anymore, it was the right decision and as time goes on you will realise how much that helped billy. One day you will meet billy again instead of tears of sadness, tears of joy will be shared you will be reunited and never to be seperate again.

Billys probably looking down on you right now, he doesnt want to see you sad. Think of all the lovely memories you had with him!! I understand we all want to live the rest of our lives with our furry ones but just be honered they spent the rest of there life with you.

My prayers and thoughts go out to you and billy, billy will always be by your side no mayter what and one day you will meet again ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Ane123

Registered:
Posts: 3
 #30 
Reading billy's story has made me cry - Again. All the symptoms that you listed is what my old man was experiencing from a few months ago. Last week I took him to the vet as I was very worried about his breathing and that he had another discharge from the one nostril that we had treated with antibiotics 5 months earlier. I set up an appointment to take him for a dental scan scan on Tuesday morning as they suspected something was inside his sinus cavity that is causing the infections. The night before his scan he had these sneezing fits and there was a lot of blood coming from his nose but he was still acting normal despite all these things happening. I was woken up by my other cat running into the room just after 5 in the morning and immediately got up to see what was wrong, When I got to the living room he was on his side but it looked like he had a fit. he was very confused and kept walking in circles and into my couch. I only saw a second or two of this so wasn't sure what had happened, i kept telling him dont worry at 8 when the vet opens youll feel better. eventually i lay down on the couch so I can watch over him. later when I had finished getting ready I put him in his carrier and when i turned around for a second he was having a seizure. i have never in my life felt so useless as there was nothing i could do for him. it took me 7 minutes to get to the vet and they made him comfortable with a warm water bottle and blanket and gave him some fluids. when the vet came in later i told her that i discovered another abscess in the corner of his eye (on the side where he had a terrible bloody discharge from his nostril) and she drained it with a syringe. he was on oxygen the whole time as he was not breathing properly. he was still unresponsive. she came in later confirming that the abscess tested positive for cancer and that she suspects it had spread to his brain already. she said he most humane thing to do was to let him go.he kept breathing so hard into the mask and it totally broke my heart. i made the decision to let him go instead of letting him suffer. 
Immediately after he was put to sleep i regretted the decision. it felt like i didnt give him a fighting chance. i am so overwhelmed by the guilt that I am feeling. I cant eat or sleep properly. my house feels so empty even though I have two other cats still with me. i dont know how i am going to get over this as I have been crying non stop for 3 days already. the pain is not getting any better and I feel i should have done more, took him to the vet the night before or took him to the emergency vet when he had the first fit just after 5 in the morning :( 
usa_kitty

Registered:
Posts: 32
 #31 
I felt I was premature with euthanasia, yes...which is one reason I will never adopt a pet again. Until a person has euthanatized their beloved pet child and then had regrets, one will never know what this feels like. It is a living hell.
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