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kyeg

Registered:
Posts: 12
 #1 
Hello everyone,

It's been almost 3 months since I put down my best friend. I began to sink into an unbarable blackhole and took a break from the forums. I decided to begin some therapy and see where that would take me. For a couple weeks I felt very well for the first time in a long while, while battling this. I'm starting to get hit with all the same regret again now. I want to take it all back and just have Pheona back laying in bed with me on cold nights like tonight. I would do anything just to pet her one more time. I'm not sure exactly what I'm wanting out of this post. Though I do know I have been missing the copious amounts of love and support that comes from here. I thought maybe putting my thoughts down in writing may help while I keep searching for the happiness and forgiveness in myself that I long for at the time.

Thank you all for being a part of my adventure through this. I really appreciate everyone of you that I have met and those that I will come upon in the future.
wickedtech

Registered:
Posts: 6
 #2 
Kyeg, I understand what you are feeling.  I had to put Dewey down last week and even though I know it was the "right" thing to do, I have regrets because it means I will never get to play ball with him or scratch his chest.

I am sorry for your loss, for what its worth, knowing that I am not alone in my pain does help.  I am considering seeking professional help myself.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers...



morgc927

Registered:
Posts: 17
 #3 
Today marks 2 months since I put my Penny to sleep because of her aggression. I haven’t visited this page since a week after losing her because reading these posts made me feel like I didn’t do enough. There hasn’t been a day that I’m not filled with regret. Lately, once I lay in bed at night I begin to get overwhelmed with emotion.. I just want to go sit by her grave and tell her how sorry I am. Which I find myself doing daily. I can not overcome this sadness and I’m so sorry that you are going through the same thing. I hope that one day she will give me some sort of sign that she forgives me.

You are not alone.
kyeg

Registered:
Posts: 12
 #4 
Good morning wickedtech and Morganc927 and happy Friday!

Thank you both your for a couple weeks, things got to the point of me not able to even get into work because I couldn't find a reason to leave my bed. I also would instantly get buried in guilt that felt like getting hit by a truck when I slipped into bed at night. This is where I knew I needed to at least try to seek put professional help. It was not an all in one problem solving strategy by any means. Though it did get me enough out of my hole to find a reason to get to work. I really find more value in talking to all of the amazing people on here, but the therapy has been well worth the try. If either of you or both have the means in doing so, I'd recommend trying it at least. I keep bouncing back around from feeling as though ive accepted that I did the right thing for Pheona and feeling like I am a complete liar after always telling her "I'll always take care of you."


ptijerina

Registered:
Posts: 2
 #5 
I had to make the gut wrenching decision to put my Wesley baby boy to rest. It has been two days and the pain is excruciating. He was a few weeks old when my daughter rescued him. For me it was love at first sight and I immediately had a very strong bond with him. My daughter was only 17 years old and had no idea dogs could have aggression issues. Wesley demonstrated all types of emotional problems and physical problems very early on. He was a few months old when he bit my daughter on the lips for moving in to kiss him. She walked around with a bit lip for a long time. He was also born with a neurological disorder and had a crooked spine. He did not walk normal, he dragged his back legs and hopped. 

As a puppy he was socialized and taken everywhere with my daughter. She took him to Petco as a puppy and a girl tried to pet and he snapped at her. Another time, still a puppy she took him to the dog beach and he attacked another dog. 

My daughter would have to leave him behind sometimes. One day she left him in her room while she ran errands. When she came home, he had eaten through a power cord and her mattress. He had a blockage and had emergency surgery. 

This was about the time we first hired bark busters for training. It really didn't help his aggression and fear anxiety. It showed him some tricks. 

She moved in with her boyfriend a few months later and put Wess on Prozac for separation anxiety. He continued to show signs of fear aggression and separation anxiety.  He would intimidate people and eventually my daughter was not able to have any company over and he could no longer be socialized except with very few people.  

My daughter could not leave him out around the house as he was a danger to himself. But, getting him in kennels proved almost impossible. He broke through several kennels. At one time, my daughter had 20 locks to keep him secure and safe, while she went to work. 

She bought him a puppy to ease his separation anxiety and it helped a little. The issues with him going in the kennel continued and so eventually she just put him her bedroom when she went to work. That proved to be a problem. He tore up the entire room. He would eat his feces and throw up. He tore the carpet and ate through the Sheetrock. He basically destroyed the room and my daughter was beside herself and didn't know what to do. So here she is with two dogs and they are out of control and one extremely aggressive. One day, he saw the neighbor and ran after her and she jumped in her car. Thank God he didn't bite her. My daughter lived in an isolated area with a fenced yard so he had very limited exposure to people so the biting part was not yet a problem. But, the house was ruined. 

My daughter got pregnant around this time and delivered a baby girls. The stress of the dogs and a new baby put her over the edge. She had severe post par tum depression and that was the first time we (she) had talked about having to put him down. She knew that if she surrendered him, he would be put down alone. There was no way to re-home him because of his aggression. Though she tried and tried to no avail. She ended up in the mental hospital from a nervous breakdown. After all this, we refused to give up on our baby Wess. 

It was this time that I took Wess from her. He was very aggressive towards my own dog of six years and I had to keep them separate. I Hired a dog trainer, and I started working with rehabilitating him. I'm sure there are more events in between, but this is what i remember. I bought him a kennel that was the size of my kitchen and he got used to it. However, the few times that he came into contact with my other dog, he would attack him and there would be a full fledged fight. At this point he was able to still be around my husband. But, that was changing. So essentially my house was divided. And I lived like that. One dog in one room the other in another. 

Eventually it was too much for my husband and we broke up. I chose to not give up on Wesley. I was walking him one day and he got loose and attacked a dog. The dog went to the hospital and needed stitches. 

A few months later while visiting his first mom ( my daughter) he got into a fight with his pit sister and tore her up pretty good. The fight was over a toy. At that point he was not able to be around his sister anymore.
He had already also started to show signs of aggression towards my daughter's boyfriend. 

My husband came home accepted the situation with Wess. Our entire lives revolved around Wess. My husband could not freely walk around the house and would knock on the door before entering a room to make sure the dog was not loose. Company was limited and if any one did come over, he had to be put in his kennel where he would bark and bark and bark at our guest.  

about a month and 1/2 ago, he lunged at a jogger and  managed to bite the guy in a matter of seconds. The jogger went to the dr. for treatment. That was the first call with DAS. Wess was put in quarantine and released. 

We moved into a new house and it took him some time to get used to the new home. 12 days ago - my husband didn't knock on the door and accidentally walked into the room. Wess was out and lunged at him. Bit him on the shoulder, then on the back of his leg. He then kept biting him and got a hold of his hands. That night is a blur and i'm not sure how he stopped biting. When he did, my husband's hands were mauled. My daughter rushed him to the emergency room. He was admitted and required surgery the following day. 48 stitches on his hands. Wess bit his wrist and almost punctured one of his main arteries and I don't even want to think of what might have happened then. 

I knew at that point that Wess was getting worse. He showed signs that his back legs were giving out. He had ear infections, that he wouldn't let anyone treat. He started not wanting to walk anymore. He was limited to 4 people on this planet he could be around. I was worried for my 12 year old daughter's safety, my 1 year old granddaughter. I don't think he would have bit them as he always did well with Children. But, I didn't know and or take the chance. 

I considered another serious attack on someone outside the family. The fact that they would come get him and potentially put him down alone and scared. Perhaps, an intervention and risk the police having to shoot him. I felt that me and my daughter sending him off with love and more love was the best option.

It's been two days and the pain is excruciating. I miss him so much and long for him. I can't believe he is gone and that this was the final outcome. I feel grief in pangs and they are overwhelming and debilitating. I don't know if I will ever get over this. I still question whether this was the right decision. Please pray for me and my daughter. We are devastated. We love and miss our Wesley boy!! 
kyeg

Registered:
Posts: 12
 #6 
Good morning ptijerina,

Thank you very much for sharing your story with me. It sounds like we also had some similar experiences with our fur babies. More info on Pheonas tough medical and aggressive background can be found in my other two posts if you're ever curious or if it would help you by reading them. Though I will mention that Pheona also couldn't be left alone. She also was not able to be watched by anyone besides myself and a couple select family members. So I understand how much of a strain on one's life that alone can be. I fully believe you did everything you could and made the best choice possible. The reason I say this is because you fully looked at all your options. Wesley could bite another person and would be put down by some strangers, or shot in an altercation with the police, etc. I understand that even looking at all those options still feels like not enough. Because I am actually suffering from the same thoughts as we speak. Though that is just stress and sadness clouding your mind and not letting all the good thoughts come through yet. It will take time and I'm trying to learn that as well. You WILL get through this, as will I and as will all those suffering with us today from their loss of their furry friends. Sometimes we just need a little help and can't do it alone. I for one promise that I will always be a friends here for you and am sure all others on this site will say the same thing.
ptijerina

Registered:
Posts: 2
 #7 
KYEG - I cannot even begin to tell you how much your response means to me. As I sit here and type this the tears just well up. I have extreme pangs of pain and i cannot believe he is actually gone. I do my best to breathe through my heartache and wait for the wave to pass. It does and I am able to reason with my decision. However, I know more pain will come and that's ok! 

Deep down, I truly understand and know I had no better option for my Baby Wess. I have my 12 year old daughter who happened to be one of the people he would let around him. She helped me with him soooooo much! Because my house was divided and I had to keep him from my husband and other pet, Wess would spend alot of time with her. This was especially hard on her and she was kept isolated in her room with him and all he would do was cry because he wanted to be with me. Her nerves are shot - Every time we took him outside or my grandchildren came over it was a production with my Baby Wess. 

She and I talk about how much we love and miss him! We also through my grief also understand that he is resting and no longer suffering from physical limitations and emotional ones. When grief releases it's grip on me, I understand this. When grief comes to my heart all reason goes out the window and all I can do is cry. 

You are not alone either my friend! We are on this journey together. Lot's of prayers and hugs to you!!!!


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