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ibeattrashcan

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Posts: 1
 #1 
I chose to kill my dog, everyone keeps telling me I made the right choice but I just killed my dog.

Is it really the right choice? Would she have chosen the same thing I did?

Did I do the right thing putting Samantha down? Yes she was 17 but I'm wracked with guilt.

I'm reading stories of other people putting dogs down for not having quality of life and their dogs were worse off than Sam. She didn't have seizures, she was still holding her bowels etc. She still wagged her tail a little and she still certainly loved belly rubs. She'd get excited for leftover human food and she still loved to be around us.

Was I too hasty because she got hurt attacking another animal over food again?

She just won't stop attacking others over any type of food like item she finds. This time she got a snap back to get her to let go of the other animal but she's so old the tooth ripped her thin skin under her arm at her chest. This was not the other animals fault in any way and the other animal after Sam let them go, ran off. Had never done something like that before and was only trying to get away.

Sam just won't stop. This is the 5th animal Sam has attacked and I don't know how many numerous times she's done so no matter what we do to avoid any triggers. She's also bit me before. Where my training has helped so many other animals, it has failed with Sam in the end but I think it was because as she aged the more semi senile she got and couldn't control herself in the end over the smallest of triggers. She was lunging at and trying to attack the chicken every single day. Every day, for months, over the chicken eating leftover kibble on the ground after Sam had already eaten.

I felt instead of putting her through surgery and tubes and more stitches at 17 yrs old while we were already considering helping her pass 3 weeks from now, instead of letting her suffer more through surgery and healing only for her to most likely pass this summer anyways... I should forgo all that and just let her rest finally.

But what if she didn't pass naturally this summer? Sure, she really really got old this year suddenly. Slow, pained, swollen. Not the dog she was last year, but she could've survived the apocolypse. She was stubborn and always healed well and quickly.

I honestly don't know if I included convenience in my decision. Not having to go through more surgery and healing and more pain and money flashed in my mind too. I would've just put it on a credit card, we could do it. I feel guilty now that that even flashed in my head though as money should not be a reason to put a dog down. It wasn't though as we discussed taking her in to be fixed not put down, because we knew she'd heal... she's Sam. Just the fact that that reason was in the back of my mind, how much would it be to fix her up? Makes me feel so damned guilty.

The anxiety stops me from having a true vision of what I was actually thinking, if that thought was actually there.

But the more I told the vet about her quality of life and her behavior with other animals now that's she's suddenly so old, the more he seemed to think helping her over was best. Was I trying to talk him into it though instead of really wanting his true opinion? Was I trying to make him say okay so I didn't feel guilty?

But then again, is her violent behavior towards others a reason to put her down either? She was a living being, but was her constant behavior a sign that her quality of life was rapidly declining? I've done animal rescue for so long, I've rehabilitated and rehomed so many dogs who were deemed aggressive that this just goes against my very nature.

I guess I'm so guilt ridden because her quality of life was not as extremely bad as those stories I am reading right now. Did I do wrong not waiting long enough? The fact it all happened so suddenly and we made the decision including what happened that day instead of just basing the decision on quality of life is filling me with guilt. I should've slept on the decision but then Sam would've been in so much pain. Her wound was very deep and bleeding a lot from an area that was dangerous. A decision had to be made, and fast.

So I sit and make a list, an honest list

Money, time, effort, behavior with others etc don't even make it on the list on the side of euthanasia or life. So I know those reasons weren't even truly considered when it came down to the decision. It just kills me that they even crossed my mind for those few seconds as something to consider in the decision. It was my logical side just trying to find all the parts of the equation to make an answer. The rest of me though is appalled that my logical side even thought of those as possible parts of an equation like this. An equation involving a life.

I know in the end a decision had to made quickly and I made it based on her life and what it quickly was already becoming and if the other choice was worth it for her, not for me. I knew it wasn't. Sam had been telling me for weeks it was going to be time soon, but was that time yesterday? Because I made it that time. I did that.

Her soul was dwindling. We couldn't feel her energy the past few months like we always have been able to. Everyday I would go to wake her up to spend time with or feed her etc and I used to be able to sense where she was... I couldn't anymore. When I would find her I would be scared she was dead, she felt dead, she felt like she was already across the veil. I would freak until I could finally get her awake or to take a deep breath. Everyday when she napped (which was mostly all day long except for an hour or two a day and sleeping all night the past few months) I would always wait to see her breathe multiple times a day to make sure she was alive.

But was that enough? She yelped a lot when standing up or laying down or when touched. Sure, it hurts when you're older. But was it enough? Did I do right? I don't want to hear "you made the right choice" out of pandering to my grief. I don't feel I can get an honest answer out of anyone I know right this moment, or if I actually really want to hear it. What if that answer is "you made the wrong choice"?

I feel horrible because the decision was before I had already planned on it and before I was comfortable. We had an appointment literally for 3 weeks from now. The decision was sudden. Was I hasty? I wanted to make a choice before she hurt anymore. I didn't want her last day in pain. I didn't want her last day to be out of it from painkillers and benadryl before we could say goodbye. I didn't want her last day to be so miserable.

I'm so sorry Sam, you deserved better. You were 17 years old and I had you for most of that. You deserved to chose your day and I'm sorry I took that from you.

--------------------------------------

Yesterday was Samantha's last day with us. We set out on a fast food binge tour for her and saying our goodbyes.

Taking her to do her favorite thing before her appointment today: eat everything she can find and sniff a whole bunch of new scents

Sam-bo you stuck around for almost 17 years, your birthday is in a few weeks. You've been a Houdini dog performing disappearing tricks with not only food but yourself more times than I can count.

When I adopted you I took on a promise to take care of you and even when times got tough and we tried to find a better home for you because we were scared we weren't enough... you stuck with us and I'm glad you did. There have been at least a half dozen times I thought you were a goner or it was your time. You sure got yourself in trouble a lot and today is the last bit of trouble you'll get into before your rainbow bridge.

You were a defiant sneaky determined dog who could get atop anything as long as there was food. Some of the feats your performed still leave me astonished today and remind me just how cleaver you are.

Now you are a grumpy ol' pup that has defied the odds more times than cats have lives. You eat anything and everything and I have no idea how not one time did it ever phase your digestive tract. Your best friend is a chicken who you've attacked almost every day when she steals some of your food but you two still sleep together every night, you never go to bed without forgiving one another.

You laid with me when I cried so many times when I felt alone and scared when pregnant with my first child. You curled up in my arms and knew when I needed someone to hold. You've been through so many lives by the time I got you ad so many after wards.

Through 7 houses/apartments, 2 kids, 4 cars, 4 yards, 5 chickens, 10 summers, and 11 years you've been my Food Stealin' Sneaky Sammy Bone Hammy.

I saw you panting hard in pain while you bathed in the sunlight yesterday morning that you so love to do. I've come to say the only things to survive the apocalypse will be twinkies, cockroaches and Sam. I'm sure I'll see you again in some little defiant stubborn sneaky puppy that wanders my way some day. I hope I do. I wish life had been easier for you and I wish I could've made it better and more than what we were able to give you and cope with.

I love you, you stubborn hound dog. You caused so much trouble and you stink to high heaven. I wouldn't have ever wanted you any other way. I am so sorry I let you go.
twinkiesmom

Registered:
Posts: 839
 #2 
I am so very sorry for your pain. It is never easy having to make such a decision but in my opinion you did what was best for Samantha. I am sure your vet weighed all the options before recommending euthanization and felt it would be best for her. My first thought as I read your post was that Samantha, was probably in quite a bit of pain at the age of seventeen. We want them with us forever but their precious little bodies wear out. My very wise and wonderful vet believes it is better to let them go one day too early than one day too late. I am in total agreement with her. My little thirteen old Piper pup was diagnosed in November with renal disease. Sometimes I wonder if I am causing her pain by trying to keep her with me but she is still acting "normal" in many ways. Everything we do for these precious babies is done out of the great love we share with them. I know the pain you are feeling now is beyond horrible and all encompassing but in time you be able to smile as you remember all the wonderful things you enjoyed together. A love like yours and Sam's is worth every tear you will ever shed for her. She will always be a part of you, never to be forgotten.
grievingmom

Registered:
Posts: 640
 #3 
The bottom line here is in some way you are indirectly asking if it is OK you did this because some of your own needs were being met as well (with the euthanasia). And quite honestly, there is nothing wrong with that.

If a person euthanizes a beloved family member ONLY to meet their own needs, they are one heck of an awful pet parent.

But in the scheme of things and the whole picture..some of your own needs are being met in the course of the entire and whole picture, that is not a sin, a crime nor does it make you a bad Mom. It makes you normal, human  and above all honest.

It's OK not to be the image of the ideal person you want to believe yourself to be.

We are all average people trying to manage and get through what can be a tough life. You had a very hard decision to make. And you clearly gave it some thought even though you have your doubts. Someone who was uncaring wouldn't be posting in this forum telling us how much you loved your dog and your hopes and dreams for your beloved family member.

You did nothing malicious.



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