Registered: 1526908242 Posts: 7
I am sitting here crying and feeling like I have made the wrong decision. My 14 year old white fluffy Baby with beautiful blue eyes was very healthy. On 5/18 the dog was barking and my beautiful Baby was gasping for air with his mouth open. He couldn't move his legs. I thought the dog scared him and gave him a heart attack. I ran to the vet, and she put him on oxygen and intravenous. On oxygen he was no longer gasping and looked like he always does - so beautiful with loving eyes. The dr said he had 88% oxygen level and was in congestive heart failure and that the x-rays shows a lot of fluid around his lungs and t by st I needed a cardiologist. I decided to euthanize him. She gave him a needle and in 2 seconds his head fell softly on his paws. What have I done? I am now torturing myself. He was healthy and never sick. He could have taken water pills. I ended his life too short without giving him a chance. What I am doing to myself, the guilt, is worse than the grieving. The night before, I spent about 30 minutes hugging and kissing him as he was rubbing his little face on my face. He was my first pet and before this have only grieved for my dad. Love is love. The feeling of grieving is the same. But guilt is worse than grief. The guilt is terrible. Why didn't I wait and let the vet take out the fluids and then give him water pills. My brother called me a murderer. I hope one day this guilt feelng will fade away so I can enjoy the remembrance of my wonderful 14 years that I had the love of my wonderful Baby.
Registered: 1237261022 Posts: 34
I am so sorry to hear that you lost your beloved Kittie. Please Stop beating yourself up. You are not a murderer. It sounds like your baby may have been dying and water pills etc. may not have helped. Guilt is a normal emotion in these decisions. Did I do it too soon; did I wait too long etc. Allow yourself to grieve his loss, but you have nothing to feel guilty about.
Registered: 1157161163 Posts: 1,821
It will take time - guilt is a part of grief. "What if"'s are our heart's way to grasp for straws - nothing more. You did what you thought best at that moment - and that is all any of us can do. Drac was not the 1st baby I lost and not the last, but maybe his lass can offer some insight into grief and it's devious way to torture us. Drac was 18 1/2 years old. He had developed Lymphoma. But to watch him he was just Drac, sometimes a cranky old man (but not often), just a happy fur baby. Then he took a turn and his vet was out of ideas so sent him back to the vet school to try to find something for him. He spent his last week in ICU at the Veterinary Teaching Hospital - 7 days - only for them to call and say they were out of options. I went to bring him home on a Saturday evening (and they undid all of his IV meds) hoping for one last weekend with him for my husband and I - or at least one last night. It was a 2 1/2 hour drive home, knowing I had no more help for my sweet baby, but knowing we had one more night, maybe on last weekend. Within 30 minutes his IV pain meds were gone and I have never before of since heard an animal scream with such pain, and look at me like he did begging me to help him. I called his vet and she said give him a few drops of some pain meds for one of my other kitties who had had a dental done and to meet her at the clinic in 30 minutes (she lives 30 minutes from the clinic). It eased his pain some but only enough that he just wanted left alone. When we got to the clinic he went so very quickly. He was in pain - screaming in agony, and would have continued to be with the pain getting worse and worse unless he was on so much pain med he was out. And when he was gone and his pain ended all I could feel was I had murdered my precious baby. There were no more options, either let him go or allow him to suffer, still the grief and guilt were there. You did not murder your baby - you allowed him to leave before he was miserable surrounded by your love.
Registered: 1526908242 Posts: 7
Thanks so much for your support. At least you gave your baby meds and held on to him S long as possible. My cat was never sick. I have $10,000 benefits. I always get a second opinion for myself and in a few minutes I made the decision to let him go. He looked up at me when I came into the room with the oxygen mask off his face for a minute. I did not even hug or kiss him goodbye. The vet put the needle in and in 2 seconds his face fell on his paws. After 14 years together with my Baby, I should have given him a chance with meds and oxygen therapy. I gave up too soon. It would be easier to just grieve and not to blame myself. We all have such sad stories. This is a wonderful site with such great people that we can all identify with the sadness and hurting of losing our pets. I cried while reading so many stories, but I also now feel not alone.