Last night I woke up to find that I, someone who's raised parrots since I was young, made a huge mistake and it cost me dearly, it cost my youngest feathered kid's life. Nero was only 4 months old, a sweet, loving, playful, silly Black Capped Conure. Every day we'd lay down for a little while, while I was still completely awake and aware, and I'd let him cuddle with me while I listened to music, read or just pet him. Yesterday, after one of my insomnia attacks that lasted 34 hours, I still felt fine and Nero wanted to cuddle so I figured ten minutes of cuddle time wouldn't be a big risk, I NEVER should have taken that chance. Even though I took precautions such as laying in an uncomfortable position to keep myself from falling asleep, having music on louder than is comfortable for resting, leaving the light on and remaining verbally and physically active by talking to and petting my baby, for some reason I passed out without warning or even realizing it was happening.
I woke up about two hours later, not even realizing I had passed out until I say him, little baby Nero, laying dead on the bed next to me, rigor mortis hadn't even set in, he hadn't even grown cold yet, if I had woken up five minutes, just FIVE MINUTES sooner he would likely still be alive! I don't know if this makes me a bad bird momma or just someone who was unlucky enough to have something like this happen.
Five minutes, just five minutes sooner and he'd have been alive still, I'd still have my sweet little baby to hold, my little 'bottle rocket' chirper (Some of his calls sounded like a bottle rocket shooting up) would still be singing to me, dancing along with the music I'm playing, singing along, practicing his words. I've lost one parrot, Vergil, in the past, two years ago, but that was due to illness, I almost went off the deep end when I lost him, now losing Nero, who was so much like Vergil, because I made a mistake, I feel like a murderer, I really do. I just wanted to lay down and cuddle him for a few moments, but all because I passed out, because I misjudged my own body's limitations, he's dead now because of me. It's one thing to lose a pet due to age, illness or things out of your control, but to be a direct cause of their death, I feel like a monster, like I don't deserve to continue living, like I need to be punished by the same fate he suffered. I just don't know what to do.
I still have my two year old Quaker parrot who's been trying to cheer me up but I just can't stop crying, wishing life had a rewind button, which I know it doesn't, I know nothing can change the past, I know I can't get my baby bird back. I still don't know what to do with his body yet, I wrapped him up in some soft fabric I know he liked and put him in the freezer for right now until I can find a proper way to tend to his remains, I'm considering having him cremated if I can find a place that does it here. I know the body is just a shell, but I want to be able to show some respect to him in how it's tended to.
I just don't know what to do, I have NEVER been the cause of one of my parrot's deaths before, normally the feathered kids I have live healthy, full lives but this, it's inexcusable. My roommate keeps telling me it wasn't my fault, that I didn't know I was going to pass out like that because I normally never pass out that suddenly, but I can't help but question myself. I've had birds since I was a kid, I KNOW better, I know everyone makes mistakes but that was a mistake I SHOULDN'T have made, there's no excuse for it and Nero didn't deserve to pay for my mistake with his life. He hadn't even learn to fly yet, his wings were still growing out, he was only four months old! He shouldn't have died this young, he deserved to live a full life like my other feathered kids do, not die because the one he trusted, the one who PROMISED to never hurt him made such a stupid mistake!
I don't know what to do, I want my baby back so much, I feel worthless and would gladly give my own life if it meant he could have lived, he was sweet, young and innocent, he didn't deserve this, it's like losing a child all over again, he was my feathered son, my baby bird, my friend and I killed him because I was too stupid to know my own body's limitations. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for this, I don't know if he could forgive me for it. I keep hearing the bell in his cage ring though he's not there, keep hearing his little chirps and rushing to to freezer thinking maybe he's alive, only to find him right there, looking asleep, unmoved in that little cloth he's wrapped in. He looks so peaceful, he shows no signs of pain, his wings tucked in like they are when he's asleep, his eyes half lidded, beck closed, like he died peacefully but I know that couldn't have been the case, he got killed because I fell asleep and likely rolled over on him, there's no way he could have gone peacefully, he wasn't under me when I woke up, he was to the side, no damage to his body, rigor mortis never set in in his neck though. I guess the most I can hope if that the death was fast, that he didn't suffocate and instead suffered neck injury, least the latter would have been less painful for him. I pray to the gods he didn't suffer, oh I hope he didn't suffer, but I have no way of knowing for sure, so that's going to keep haunting me and I know it.
How could I have been so stupid? How could I have let this happen? I should have known better than that, I loved that bird, even in death I STILL love that baby bird, he did NOT deserve to go like this, he was a gift from the gods to me, so affectionate, loving, funny, trusting and I betrayed him in the worst way possible. I want so much to join him in the afterlife but I know Yamato, my quaker, still needs me here. I just don't understand why Nero had to die, just five minutes sooner and he'd still be alive, still be singing his little head off and playing 'bat bird' on the top of his cage and from his perches. I feel like a part of me has been ripped clean out, I am to blame for the death of that earth bound angel. I don't know how to move on from this, I don't know how to start or if I can even trust myself to cuddle with my baby birds anymore. I cannot let something like this happen again.
Part of me keeps telling me to get another bird, one who's larger, one that this wouldn't happen with due to their size, another to ease the pain, one to correct the mistake I made but I know such feelings are illogical, and that if I get another parrot it still won't be Nero, I know there's no way to bring him back and Yamato is trying, bless his little heart he's trying to cheer me up, but there's just this big, devouring hole I feel now compounded with this unshakable guilt. I don't know what to do, where to turn, how to even think about moving forward, the image I woke to his burned in my memory and just keeps replaying over and over, reducing me to tears and shaking fits. I just don't know what to do, I know I am the reason he's no longer here and just don't know what to do, how to heal this, if it can ever be healed. It took me a year and a half to get over Vergil's death due to illness, but this. I feel like I'm going to be feeling like this for the rest of my life. A part of me died with him, I know that, and I know there's no way to get that part back.