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Posts: 2
Hello -  I am here to hopefully get some closure to my "overthinking".
I lost my beautiful long haired Dachshund Wave on Tuesday.  She was diagnosed with bladder cancer January of 2018 and was given 4-6 months.  I am very grateful for the 15 months we had.  Only the last few weeks were bad.  The rest of the time being on Peroxicam and oral chemo kept her quality of life good.  Over the last few weeks I was noticing subtle differences.
Picky eating, more accidents that looked painful as she was going etc.  Saturday I took her for xrays because she had started limping and we all thought on top of cancer she was now suffering from a disc problem that is so common to dachshunds.  Sunday I could tell she was not feeling well but was resting comfortably.  But I called the Transition Vet Service out for an assessment.  He told me that if I wasn't ready to say goodbye that he was comfortable with that because she was resting so well.  No labored breathing, panting etc.  Vitals were good.  That night was the first night she was restless.  She acutally laid her head on my leg and when I turned the light on she looked at me like she was trying to tell me it was time. We were so in tune that when I held her and took a deep breath she would take a deep breath.   My gut told me this was probably cancer progression and that was confirmed when my vet called me Tuesday with the radiologists results.  Cancer had spread to her bones.  So painful.  I was shaken up.  However it also confirmed or validated my "back and forth" decision to send her to heaven.  I was not going to let her suffer.  Cancer in the bones is so painful and she had been so stoic in covering up the pain.  So I called Justin back and he came out that night.  Wave was still resting well. I brought her upstairs to bed and my other two dogs surrounded her to say goodbye.  Here is what I wasn't expecting as I have had to do this 4 other times and seriously thought I would never get through it. 
This special service is wonderful.  They give two sedations prior to the last drug.  The first injection was just to relax her.  But it HURT her.  She yelped.  So we tried another location.  Hurt her again.  I can't get that cry out of my head.  Justin told me it doesn't happen often and it was probably due to her muscles spasming from the cancer.  After it was administered she relaxed in my arms and we waited 10 minutes to give the next one.  Then another few minutes for the last one.  She never felt any of the others.  It ended up being quick and peaceful.
But now I can't stop beating myself up over the fact that this dog trusted me with her life.  I rescued her at 5 years old and her happy place was in my arms.  So what do I do?   I take her upstairs to my bed and hold her and allow this painful injection. Her last memory of me. She trusted me.  Do you think that she knows I was holding her and not hurting her?  Or hopefully holding her after the shot while she hopefully was still awake enough to know that it wasn't me that hurt her?   Has anyone experienced this?   My sweet little 9lb Wavey.  I am so sorry.  I didn't know it was going to hurt you.  Please forgive me.

Posts: 10
I’m so sorry for your loss and for the way it ended. Something that should’ve been peaceful but wasn’t at first. I didn’t have that experience but can see how you would be apt to feel the way you do. I’m sure she knew you were doing your best and not just trying to hold her for pain. When there is cancer there is little comfort unfortunately. They know, they sense. She is restored in heaven now looking down smiling at you and she will be around to let you know that. Prayers and thoughts to you now and in the days to come. ❤️

Posts: 1
I'm so sorry that your little one is gone, and that it hurts so very much. You miss her. You miss her because you loved her, and that is one of the things about love, it opens us up to wonder and joy but also to grief.

You freed her from terrible pain and a prolonged death that she could have never understood.

I am new here and I look at all the grief and the guilt here, (because those feelings overwhelm me, and I came here looking for a small glimmer of relief from the loss of my dog) and I see so much love and care for dogs that were in pain and who couldn't live a life that they deserved for one reason of another.

You baby was taken care of and loved in ways that overshadow all that a brief moment at the end could have felt. She relaxed and was with you, held right where she wanted to be, with whom she wanted to be with until the end. The tiny moment of the shot was so small in her whole time with you. She and you knew she wasn't getting better. She trusted you to love her and you did just that. You protected her. She knew you were there and she knew she was loved.
You did the right thing for her.
I'm so so sorry for you and the loss you feel. But step back and see how good her life and her final moments were really, and see that you did nothing but the most loving kindest things you could for her through all her time with you. That's what she knows. That's what was real and was her life.  

There is nothing to forgive as you were truly the very best person she could have ever had. You allowed her to feel better.

Posts: 2
I can't thank you guys enough for your kind words.  When I am in a better place I hope to help others on here as well.  I know you are right and I also had a chance to talk to the vet that was here and he confirmed without a doubt that she knew she was in my arms and knew she was safe after that first injection.  We waited 10 minutes for the next one and she was very relaxed in my arms but she knew I had her.  He also believes that dogs don't interpret pain as we do.    He believes that Wave felt the shot and then didn't hold on to any type of blame as to where the pain came from.  They just move on from it.  Thank you again.  I just need time.  xoxoxo
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