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pattymum

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Posts: 3
 #1 
Thank you for this message board.  I am feeling remorse over having my Bailey girl put to sleep two days ago.  

She was a beautiful mix of border collie and swiss mountain dog.

She was 11 years old.  She struggled with seizures since 2013.  At first, she would only get them when I took her to the vet.  A couple of years ago, the seizures began happening at home and not under stress.  The vet put her on phenobarbitol and potassium bromide.  She did pretty well on those drugs until earlier this year when the vet said her liver showed toxicity.  They abruptly took her off phenobarbitol and increased the potassium bromide.  Her seizures began to increase and really became violent.   I always had vials of liquid valium on my dresser to use when she would seize in the middle of the night.  I would have to put it in her backside to help bring her out of the seizure.   It seemed as though the last one she had in the middle of the night that she would not come out of it.   I thought maybe she had died.  I kept calling her to come back to me and finally she came out of it.   These seizures were so much worse than in the beginning.  Her body actually would leap off the ground.  

Last week, Bailey quit eating and was drinking a lot of water.  This had happened to her before and she came out of it a week later.  But this time, she was getting worse with each day.  Her legs were not supporting her body any more and her belly was really swollen.  I was unable to give her any seizure medication.  I rushed her to the vet.  Since she had seizures going into the building, the vet came to my car.  He examined her and did some blood work.  He said her liver levels were off the chart again.  He was really concerned about the swollen abdomen and inability to walk.  He said I could either have her put to sleep or drive to another city to get an ultrasound.   I asked him what he would do if it were his pet.  He said he believed her problems in the abdomen were severe and even if I did the ultrasound, the chances of her survival would be poor because he believed it would be a serious problem.  He also was concerned that we were unable to control her seizures and they were getting worse.

I felt frozen and did not know what to do.  I decided to have her put to sleep. I couldn't imagine her not able to walk or get around.  We spread a blanket out behind the vet's office which is in country.  She was there in the sun lying on the blanket when I saw her take her last breath.   

I wish I could have that day back because I think I would have tried to get her that ultrasound just so I would know for sure what it was.   I was just fearful she wouldn't make it in the office because she would seize and not come out of it.  I couldn't really think and was sobbing the whole time.  I just feel in shock and so so sad. I miss her so much.
VBunny

Registered:
Posts: 32
 #2 
I’m so sorry for your loss of Bailey. It sounds as if you did everything you could for your girl. It’s really hard when we don’t get all of the answers, you can go crazy with the what ifs but we have to trust vets’ opinions as they are the experts not us and we can only do what we think is the right thing at the time. It’s an impossible situation to be in. You gave Bailey such love and cared for her when she was poorly. I know how hard the grief is at this stage, I hope you can find some comfort soon.
pattymum

Registered:
Posts: 3
 #3 
VBunny,  thank you so so very much for your kind words.  I am so heartbroken and loved Bailey so much.  She was actually my son's dog.  When he and his wife were dating, they got Bailey when my son lived at home.  When they married, they couldn't take Bailey with them to their apartment.  Then, when they had a home, they didn't want to take her due to the cost of the seizure medications.  I tried so hard to keep her well.  She also had pancreatitis and this meant, I had provide her special meals.   She was my baby, and I wasn't ready to let her go.   Thank you for your kindness.  
VBunny

Registered:
Posts: 32
 #4 
Hi Pattymum, the fact she was poorly for so long just shows how much you cared for her, there’s so many pet owners that sadly wouldn’t pay for the medication and treatment. She really was so lucky to have you and I hope you realise this soon. The early stages of grief are so hard. I’m 3 months in, I still have regret and guilt over my girls passing and miss her loads but it is getting easier/ more bearable. I blamed myself 100%, I don’t know why she was ill and died and wish I’d done things different but in time I’ve realised that even if my actions had been different she may still have died. We did not make our pets ill and if we’d known how to save them we would have in a heartbeat. You fought for years to keep Bailey safe and comfortable and it sounds like every decision you made was with Baileys best interests in the forefront of your mind. I’m thinking of you during this difficult time, just take it slow and be kind to yourself, I’m sure Bailey would want you to look after yourself. She is at peace now, it’s just hard for us left behind.
pattymum

Registered:
Posts: 3
 #5 
Thank you so much for your kindness VBunny.  I am so sorry you lost your girl.  I wish you much peace and comfort right now.  
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