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Ane123

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Posts: 3
 #1 
About two years ago my elderly cat (13 at the time) had some issues with his left eye - it was extremely swollen. after numerous visits to very expensive vets and eye specialists they discovered he had an abscess underneath his eye socket which was drained and he was put on very strong antibiotics.

One year later (Last year Oct) he started sneezing a lot and had a strange discharge from his left nostril. His eye also started to act up so I took him to the vet with his full file of medication, blood tests, invoices etc and they suspected that it was some sort of an infection in his nose as no abscess could be found. I took him home with a 10 day course of antibiotics and after about 7 days it started to clear up and he was his usual self again. The vet did tell me that if the antibiotics did not work we would have to send him for a dental xray to see if there was some infection causing the recurring issue

Last week (28th of Feb 2018) I took him back to the vet as I had noticed that he had another discharge from his nostril and he seemed quite uncomfortable with his breathing.
They did a bunch of tests including Aids & Leukemia and all was negative. The vet immediately noted how he had lost a lot of weight since he was last there but it was difficult to see as he was a fluff ball.

After taking a head and chest xray at their practice they told me that everything looked fine and his chest was clear but there was something showing on the other side of his face (where he does not have the infection/discharge) but their machine is not invasive enough and I will either have to send him to a specialist or bring him back the following week for sedation and they will then try to take another xray from a different angle into his mouth. I scheduled the appointment for Tuesday the 6th of March as this is when they do the procedures. I was sent home with a strong antibiotic for the runny nose. his blood tests were given the clear - for a 15 year old cat he was in great shape

The Monday when I got home from work I noticed that the discharge was still there and the antibiotics I received the previous week was not working but wanted to give it more time as the previous visit it took close to a week to get better. The discharge was a lot more blood than snot this time 

He was also breathing very heavily and it sounded like he was snoring a lot. he was still eating and drinking and cuddling up to me like he always does.

The following morning i was woken up with a noise in the living room and my other cat running into my room. when i switched on the light he was on his side and it looked like he was struggling to get up so I helped him up. i thought he had fallen off the couch . after i helped him up he kept walking in a circle and walking into the couch. i started crying and told him dont worry we going to the vet as soon as they open at 8.

i slept on the couch next to him to make sure he was okay , he was lying on a blanket 

when i got ready to leave for the vet i put him in his carrier. before i zipped the carrier up he made a silent miiouw towards me as he usually does when i put him in there. when i turned to pick up my key and look back at him he was having a full blown seizure inside the carrier and i shouted at him ''lolly, lolly, please'' then i rushed to the vet while keeping my hand on his tummy to feel for his breathing. i got there in 7 minutes and they put a warm water bag and blanket on him as he was very cold. 
I was crying the whole time and waiting for the vet to arrive. she immediately took him and put a oxygen mask on him as he was having difficulty breathing and was still unresponsive. The gave him an IV as well. I told her I noticed a bump above his eye and thought it was another abscess that had formed and she confirmed it was another one despite being on very strong meds the last 5 days. she took a needle and drained the abscess and disappeared for a few minutes. she then returned and told me she is so sorry she went to test the discharge and there was cancer cells in it. she suspects that it had spread to his brain as the abscess was moving inwards and not pushing out like it normally does. she told me the most humane thing was to let him go. I agreed with her. 

I was there when he went and she gave me some time alone with him.

I feel extremely guilty for the following reasons:

I had him shaved the week before due to him having a lot of matted fur - what if this also contributed to his illness due to the stress of getting groomed??
What if I had taken him to the specialist instead of trying with the vet again - i feel so selfish worrying about money
What if i had just taken him to the vet the night before when he was sneezing like that and had blood coming from his nose
What if he had a seizure when i was woken up and i had just been there earlier to see and rush him to the vet
I should have done more
Why did I not even give him a fighting chance 

I made the decision to end my 15 year old cat's life in less than an hour. I feel like a terrible person and have been so depressed ever since. my house is empty despite having two other cats. My heart feels heavy all the time.

It does not feel like I will forgive myself for ending his life :( :( :( :( 



twinkiesmom

Registered:
Posts: 839
 #2 
I am so, so sorry for your loss. Please bear with me, the same thing happened to me. My Boo kitty was around 12 years old and started acting a little odd. There was nothing obvious and I was keeping a close watch. I made a vet appointment and woke the morning of the appointment in severe pain so I dropped Boo at the clinic and went to the ER. The vet called and said it was brain cancer and that it would be merciful to euthanize her. I have always been with my babies as they passed but I couldn't and it broke my heart.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. You took wonderful care of your kitty. You were having him seen for his ongoing problem. The vet had tested for all manner of things. Without testing the discharge there was no way of knowing what was wrong. As for not taking him to the vet the night before, I might have waited too. Regarding the mats, my daughter had a cat prone to mats and had to shave them and he was unhappy but tolerated it well. When we lose one we love, the how and why isn't the issue. It is that something comes along that we have no control over and we no longer have them with us in the physical sense. But he will always be with you, in your heart and your memories.

Your feelings are absolutely normal. We all feel we could have, should have done more. The truth is that we bring them into our homes and hearts knowing there will come a time for goodbyes and sorrow. But we fill our days with love and devotion to each other, providing all the good things we can for them. And the last thing we can do is be with them as they are released from their old and/or ill bodies our hands touching, loving to their last breath. Again I am so very sorry.

Ane123

Registered:
Posts: 3
 #3 
Thank you so much for your message. I never actually realized how much I loved him as he was my moms cat before I took him when I relocated to the city. His brother and sister at home looks very lonely and my house is so empty without him following me around everywhere that I went. he really was my shadow and used to wait for me outside when I had to work late . I know it will get better with time. I am waiting for his ashes to arrive so I can finally get the comfort and closure I need. my old man lollys will always be in my heart. I just wish i had spent a bit more time with him before leaving the vet. 
Nathan_D

Registered:
Posts: 1
 #4 
I understand how you feel. I am sorry for your loss. Pets are like your best friend. Your family. They are always there when you need love and support, and they do nothing but listen.

One thing that helps is to focus on other things. Let yourself feel better by maybe getting another pet. I know that no pet can ever be replaced, but it will help.

I am sorry for your loss and I hope you feel better soon.
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