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Gringoem13

Registered:
Posts: 9
 #1 
My loss is my angel dog Izzy.  I have had her since she was 5 weeks old- shouldn't have even been taken from her mom, but it was a dangerous situation she was in and she had little chance of making it where she was.  So I took her.  And raised her.  She was more than my best friend.  She went EVERYWHERE with me.  I took her to school (I was a senior in high school when I got her).  She went to work, into stores, movies, anywhere and everywhere... When she was little- she fit in the sleeve of my sweatshirt or jacket so it was easy to have her anywhere that I was.  As she got bigger (she was a lab mix) I couldn't take her in everywhere- but she was still with me.  In my car riding shot gun- no matter what- she was there.  I would leave the car running with the heat or air conditioning on for her.  She grew with me and was there when I had my two human babies.  She was my dog of honor when I got married just this last fall.  She walked me down the aisle with my dad.  She turned 15 years old a couple months ago.  One night after coming inside from feeding my horses- I had actually left her in the house while I went out as it was extremely cold out (-15 below zero) and her paws froze quickly so I didn't want her out there the whole time I was getting the horses fed.  Anyways- I came inside and noticed that her eye seemed to have blood in it- a lot of blood.  Not coming out- but just like inside her whole eye ball.  I called the emergency vet but decided to wait and take her to our normal vet in the morning- she hated the vet and I didn't want to stress her out taking her someplace new that was far away at nine at night.  The vet had a couple ideas what it could have been and sent us home with some eye salve and anti biotic pills. I didn't work the next day and was with her all day but she wasn't doing well.  She kept vomitting and when I would bring her outside- she couldn't go to the bathroom.  She was trying so hard that she would fall over.  Within a few hours she couldn't stand.  I carried her to the car to get her back to the vet.  It was like a blur... He told me- I think you are losing her.  We can do tests and exams and see what all is going on, or we can let her go without putting her through all of that- she had had a long great life.  I said yes- let's let her go.  I felt like I wasn't even thinking.  How could I just agree so quickly?  Yes she was not doing well but I feel like I owed her so much more than that.  She was my first baby.  She was the only thing that brought me happiness for many many years.  But she was just laying there.  I just felt so bad.  I couldn't stop crying and telling her I was so sorry.  So very sorry and I loved her so very much.  I didn't want her to suffer.  She growled when they put the euth. in her.  I almost screamed.  It was like she knew.  I feel like I failed her.  What if I could have done something- anything more to give her longer on this earth?  Now it is too late and I can't live with it.  Every single thing I do is without her now.  I can't even go for a drive because she would have been with me.  Sitting in the passenger seat of my truck.  She would follow me when I went to the bathroom, when I went to get mail, on camping trips, everything!! Now I get so upset because I can't imagine having to go through the rest of this life on earth without her.  And the guilt is eating me alive.  I have to tell myself to breathe.  I can barely be a mother to my two human children and then I feel even worse.  I wish I would have done something more special with her- said something to her more to tell how just how much she meant to me.  It has been 26 days and almost every day feels just as horrible as the last.  And it is getting harder as it seems some people are thinking I should be over it by now.  Or at least doing better.  But I'm not.  I just miss her so very very much.
ChristinaofTX

Registered:
Posts: 19
 #2 
I am so very sorry for your loss of your beloved Izzy.   The feelings you are having are normal - the second guessing and the feelings of guilt!!!   The reason I know is from reading a book to try and survive the loss of my kitty Meena (age 17 - she had kidney failure and heart trouble) -- I had to make the difficult choice to end her suffering on Monday March 5th but I already had been reading this book because my younger cat, Tony, age 12 had sudden and severe illness and had to be put down Feb. 15th -- the shock of that while caring for Meena knowing her time was almost upon us was too much. ...
The book is written for cat lovers but it is full of comfort & I will write the title just in case it would help you ...   Soul Comfort for Cat Lovers - Coping Wisdom for heart and soul after the loss of a beloved feline by Liz Eastwood.   She also has a website:  soulcomfortforcatlovers.com.     There are likely better resources for you that pertain specifically to dogs - however I just have to mention this because this woman's words are helping me when I really didn't think there was any  hope for me to be "okay" again.  
She addresses people who don't get it and she validates the very real and serious nature of the grief being as important as any other loss we will ever experience.    She talks about tributes, and continued connection and all kinds of things I had not thought of.
I guess the main thing is to actively seek out help through whatever means you can find, counseling, books, websites (this is a good and safe place!), treat this loss as just as serious as losing a human companion because IT IS!!!!!    For those of us who consider our pets FAMILY.   
I wish you comfort and peace ... I truly believe that it is never too late to connect to those humans and animals who are no longer in the physical form ... the author of this book mentions writing letters to her cat ... I know that when my Dad passed away I felt like we were no where near complete ... and there were so many things I needed to say and writing helped ... counseling too and other things ... in other words = it's not too late.   Bless your heart ... you will be in my positive thoughts and I'm sending you healing energy right now.   Love and mercy and peace to you!!!
~Chris~
ChristinaofTX

Registered:
Posts: 19
 #3 
I am so very sorry for your loss of your beloved Izzy.   The feelings you are having are normal - the second guessing and the feelings of guilt!!!   The reason I know is from reading a book to try and survive the loss of my kitty Meena (age 17 - she had kidney failure and heart trouble) -- I had to make the difficult choice to end her suffering on Monday March 5th but I already had been reading this book because my younger cat, Tony, age 12 had sudden and severe illness and had to be put down Feb. 15th -- the shock of that while caring for Meena knowing her time was almost upon us was too much. ...
The book is written for cat lovers but it is full of comfort & I will write the title just in case it would help you ...   Soul Comfort for Cat Lovers - Coping Wisdom for heart and soul after the loss of a beloved feline by Liz Eastwood.   She also has a website:  soulcomfortforcatlovers.com.     There are likely better resources for you that pertain specifically to dogs - however I just have to mention this because this woman's words are helping me when I really didn't think there was any  hope for me to be "okay" again.  
She addresses people who don't get it and she validates the very real and serious nature of the grief being as important as any other loss we will ever experience.    She talks about tributes, and continued connection and all kinds of things I had not thought of.
I guess the main thing is to actively seek out help through whatever means you can find, counseling, books, websites (this is a good and safe place!), treat this loss as just as serious as losing a human companion because IT IS!!!!!    For those of us who consider our pets FAMILY.   
I wish you comfort and peace ... I truly believe that it is never too late to connect to those humans and animals who are no longer in the physical form ... the author of this book mentions writing letters to her cat ... I know that when my Dad passed away I felt like we were no where near complete ... and there were so many things I needed to say and writing helped ... counseling too and other things ... in other words = it's not too late.   Bless your heart ... you will be in my positive thoughts and I'm sending you healing energy right now.   Love and mercy and peace to you!!!
~Chris~
stronics

Registered:
Posts: 37
 #4 
Gringoem13,
I can't say anything that the others haven't said. It is truly heart breaking the loss. I've never known such pain I am so sorry for your loss.
The wife was telling her Aunt how we missed our beloved boy and we were still heart broken. Her Aunt told her "I lost my Sweet Kitty 9 years ago and I still cry for her".
David
georgesmom

Registered:
Posts: 22
 #5 
Gringoem13, I'm very sorry that you lost your Izzy.

I felt the same way when I made the decision to have my 13 yr old cat, George, put to sleep.  He'd been very sick for a week with kidney failure and nothing was helping, and he had mouth ulcers also, which made it very painful for him to eat or drink.  The vet told me I could try subQ fluids and syringe feeding at home, but all I saw was the pain in George's eyes, and I couldn't put him through it.  But of course I felt all the guilt after, that I made the decision so fast, and have cried every day since - 21 days ago today.

I know it takes time, and that all the grief and hurt is normal.  Like others have said, however you can find a way to feel okay, even for short periods of time, is a step forward, for we certainly cannot go back.  Hugs to you, and to all others hurting over their loss.  
MollyJo

Registered:
Posts: 11
 #6 
SO SO SORRY for your loss, I know what you are feeling, I lost my boxer MOLLY on 3/14/2018, she was also doing fine until 1 night we were sitting in our favorite room, she got up and looked me in my eyes and I know she was saying help me daddy, took her right away to vet and he couldn't find out what was wrong, brought her home that night and put her in bed with me where she always slept and around 9 she made a horrible sound which I will never forget and within 5 minutes she was gone, she was in my arms and I told her how much I LOVE HER!!! I wish I could have done more, she was 10years and 9 months old, it is very tough I cry for her everyday. And everynight I pray for her and I talk to molly everyday also to tell her how much I LOVE HER, Its been about 2 months and I still cry everyday, just remember they will live in your heart forever, prayers your way and take care!!
Gringoem13

Registered:
Posts: 9
 #7 
@MollyJo- very sorry for your loss as well.  The suddenness of something like that happening is so hard to deal with as (for me anyways) it hit me hard but then almost got worse as the full realization of everything set in.  I felt like I overlooked so many small things I wish I had done or said.  But I try to talk to her now to "explain" and not like I have any other option.  It was my birthday yesterday and I ended the night by her grave singing myself happy birthday with a single candle.  Pretty hard day.  But some days are good, or better I should say.  I know she would want me to be happy so I am trying- but there again that's the love we had- it didn't matter what I felt- she was there unconditionally.  Prayers to you as well- thanks for the comments.
@georgesmom- unfortunately that is the worst part- we can't go back :(  oh how I wish somedays... but then I think of just how lucky I was to have her and that makes this pain worth it.  Anything would/was worth it for her...  prayers and peace to you...
@stronics- that is so heartbreaking but so very true.  I have kind of given up thinking one day I will just be "ok"  it will just be a part of me now but hopefully it can be a good part more than just the saddness and pain... sorry for your loss as well.  
@ChristinaofTX- thank you for your kind words.  I am seeking out some additional help and will be looking into the book you recommended.  I am sorry for the loss you had and hope you have found some comfort and peace as well.  Thanks.
Always__there

Registered:
Posts: 123
 #8 
Gringoem13,
Heartfelt Sympathy to You in the loss of Your beloved Izzy,
Strong and intense is the Bond-- loss of a pet is painful beyond words because as Owners--not just losing the pet and unconditional love of, but very much an important member of the family-- A FAMILY MEMBER !!!!.
Heartbreaking is the loss, I do feel your Sorrow.
My wee chihuahua of 16y--gone 4mnths.
How we love them to the moon and back. May their Memories be a Blessing.
Our beloveds Are with US Spiritually.
Again, feel for You this day.

Sherry

                                                                                

monica0107

Registered:
Posts: 9
 #9 
Gringoem13,
When I read your post I felt as if it were my own feelings- I am feeling the same about my Teddy (Yorkie) that passed away suddenly last Thursday. He was almost 15, and was attached to me at the hip. I got him when I graduated college and have been working from home the last several years and was literally with him almost 24/hours a day. I am devasted. I have two children and am finding it really hard to cope through the day, and forget about the night. It was very sudden when he passed (he was fine Thursday morning) and died of congestive heart failure, with fluid filling his entire small body. I feel horrible in that I didn’t ser something sooner- I also blame myself.

Please know you are not alone and although I do not have a lot of words of advice since I am dealing with a similar loss, but I do hope we can help each other get through this together. I feel shameful crying so much in front of my family, but this thread helps me so much. Have you thought about getting another dog?
Gringoem13

Registered:
Posts: 9
 #10 
I am sorry it took me so long to respond to your post. I read it and it made me so upset to know that there are others experiencing the heartbreak that I am. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I suppose it at least makes me feel a little more ok or normal I guess but ugh this just plain sucks. How are you doing? It’s like I keep waiting to “feel better” and it doesn’t come. Then two days last week I forgot the number of days it had been since she left and it was the most horrible feeling like I am feeling her slip away again in some different form. So now I just don’t know. I miss her so much and I don’t want to just start forgetting her or moving on without her. I’m scared and I’m not sure if I’m even putting it into words correctly. I know I will get another dog someday because I have so much love to give and know there will be some pup really needing or deserving it someday but I just can’t right now. I feel like I wouldn’t give him or her the true love I know I can because I just am struggling so much. I just don’t know. It’s hard. And it sucks. Peace and strength to you. Sending love to your baby in heaven tonight as well as my own ...
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