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gothicangel69

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Posts: 17
 #1 
I know most people here will probably think I'm crazy, but I don't know where else to turn, and you have all been so helpful in the past.
It has been three years since I lost my beautiful boy and the pain is still very strong, and very real. I feel like it is overtaking my life, but I can't seem to do anything about it.
My doctor finally put me on medication last year to help with the grief, but it just makes me feel dull inside, it makes me able to smile, and act happy, when inside I'm dieing.
No one seems to understand why I feel this way. I know this is not all from Zorro- he was just the last straw. A few years before he passed, I lost a few of my very close friends. The past 5 years have been almost unbarable.
It seems like nothing is going right in my life. I do not have any friends- I just can't seem to let myself get close to anyone for fear that they will die, or dissapoint me. I would like to have someone close to talk to, but no one seems to understand my grief- they say its all in my head, which is not very helpful.
This last month has gotten out of hand. Everything that could happen this month, has, and I no longer have my 'little baby' to talk to every night. He held me together so many times and it feels like I lost the most important thing in my life and am unable to move on.
I know this is unhealthy, and I wish I could move on, but for some reason I just can't. I feel like I just can't deal with this pain for much longer. Its been so strong for so long, and its breaking me down. I'm not who I used to be, and don't think I ever will be again.


rottiesrule

Registered:
Posts: 596
 #2 
In my experience, loosing important people and pets will change who you are forever. I will never be the person I used to be before my parents died, before my husband died, and before my beloved pets died. Every life experience makes a profound impact on who you are. The trick is to find a way to keep going and re-define you. If you never let anyone get close, you will always be alone. And since we have guarantees how long we get to stay here, it's difficult to live your live waiting for the next shoe to drop. Friends and family tend to disappoint, but look beyond that. It's like saying you'll never love someone again if you get divorced, or your spouse dies or get another pet when you  loose one.

You have had a hard time, and it's so unfair. But, you have to learn to walk around the pit in front of you without falling into it. Does that make sense? Grief takes many forms, and lasts as long as the person grieving needs to work it out. For however long you have someone in your life, you become richer, better. When they leave, keep the good things and throw out the bad. Happy memories are so much more useful than sad ones. And be good to yourself. You sound like a very strong person to have made it through all of this. Give yourself credit for being a survivor.

Never give up on yourself, use what you have now, even though it's different than before. And you do have friends here.
gothicangel69

Registered:
Posts: 17
 #3 
It is nice to know that the people on here understand the effects of losing a loved one/ pet can have on someone. No one in my life understands what I have been going through. I have to hide my grief as otherwise they think there is something wrong with me, and start talking behind my back and calling me crazy.
I don't want to go through life alone, but I just can't even think of being close to anyone. I don't think I'm able to anymore. I finally got two cats- both were rescues. I feed them, and give them all the care they need, I even act like I love them, but I don't. I feel guilty about it, but my heart is just not capable of loving anyone.
Its nice to be able to talk to people about this. It has been building up for so long,and I feel like I am about to explode.
KatLover

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Posts: 842
 #4 
The other poster said it very well--we have to learn how to re-define ourselves, I think.  These experiences all change us, we become different people.  And sometimes it seems like life is just piling on us.  One book I've just read is Wallace Sife's "The Loss of a Pet," which I recommend.  There's a bit of hard medicine in it, but it did help me change somewhat how I think.  He also writes of a beautiful idea, that we become living memorials to those who've passed, a living repository of memories of all the wonderful times we had together.  Since I read that, I try now to remember all the wonderful times I've had with those who've passed, people and animals.  And who knows, maybe there is another side, and everytime we remember them lovingly, they feel that too. 
BuddysMomNC

Registered:
Posts: 29
 #5 

I am sorry you are having such a hard time.  I understand to some degree what you are experiencing, myself being a bit of a loner and untrusting of others somewhat.  Do you get out of the house much?  I love my home, my safe haven, but I make myself go out when I feel most alone, because usually I find comfort in complete strangers, however odd that may sound.  Try to reach out in even the smallest of ways, smile at a stranger passing by, offer assistance to an elderly person if in need of a door being opened, wish a good day and a smile to the cashier at the grocery store, etc.  Kindness is usually rewarded with kindness, and it feels good, no matter who it comes from.  Perhaps you can take a walk in the sunshine, to help clear the mind.  I wish you peace, and the ability to heal and to love again.  ~ BuddysMomNC 

gothicangel69

Registered:
Posts: 17
 #6 
I done trying to be nice to people. I go out of my way all the time to help anyone I see, and I don't get so much as a thank you. They use me for my kindness, then, when I need just a little help, they throw me to the wolves.
I honestly cannot see a reason to keep going. I do not want to live my life miserable and alone, and I know that I will likely never be able to trust anyone again- there too much grief, hate, and sadness.
I had someone who I talked to everyday, thought that maybe I could finally be friends with this person- a family member of his died the other week, and I did everything that I could to try and help him- told him I was there if he wanted to talk, anything he needed. Then, when I tell him I'm having a rough time, its " i have enough to deal with, don't unload your problems on me". Very typical with what I have to deal with, and people wonder why I don't have friends.

I am just so miserable right now.
Mare

Registered:
Posts: 11,059
 #7 
I am very sorry you're having such a hard time.  I know how difficult and challenging life can be and with no sweet pet to brighten and lighten the load, it is very difficult.  Is it possible you can talk with a therapist to help you get through this rough time?  Many people are having a hard time and when you don't  have close and trusting friends, the burden remains all yours.  I am going to keep you in my prayers and hope you find peace very soon.

Mare
precious Christoph ~ a shining star in the heavens ~

gothicangel69

Registered:
Posts: 17
 #8 
I wish I could see a therapist, but I have neither the time nor the money.
I really don't know what else to do.
Darian

Registered:
Posts: 282
 #9 

I'm so sorry to hear about this terrible time you're having. The world can seem like such an empty place when you feel all alone.  Each time someone in my life has passed,  I have felt that I would and could never be the same.  I was right in a way - grief takes a big chunk out of you.  When i'm having a great time I may suddenly think "but how can I be this happy after my Dad died, "  and I wish to be back in that time when I could be as carefree as possible, because everyone I loved was alive and well. Then I remember that my Dad moved along with his life, even after his parents died and he would want me to do the same.  I think it's very important for you to try to find another pet that you can bond with.  I know you have 2 cats that you say you don't love - maybe you love them, but just don't feel the bond you had before.  Is there a chance you could volunteer at a shelter?  And then you could get to know many animals,  and who knows, one day bond with one and take him home.  People can be rude and selfish.  But there are others out there who are worth the effort. 

rottiesrule

Registered:
Posts: 596
 #10 
Live life for you. Don't worry that someone may or may not understand what or why you do things, just live. You have to get yourself in a place where you can just be. Yes, there is grief, hate, sadness, meaness in the world. People will take your heart out if you let them. The person you tried to help was in his own version of hell at that point. When someone is grieving, they say horrible things. Anger takes over. But he was having his own rough time and didn't hear you. Understand that, give him space. Maybe when he comes to terms with his personal devils, he will hear you.

Above all else, don't give up on you. You are your own best friend, but you can also be your own worst enemy. Lighten up on yourself, take time to rethink things. If you need to talk, this board is always here, with willing ears. And if you're having grief issues, contact your local Hospice and meet with a grief counselor. They're free. Make the time. You're worth it.
DebraS

Registered:
Posts: 18
 #11 
GothicAngel, I just want you to know that I understand how you are feeling about people right now. I too experience similar rudeness from people that enjoy my friendliness but do not see fit to return my friendship.

I could write at length and I'll bet you would be nodding your head knowing how I felt but since this is a pet loss board, I want to stay on topic.

Angel, I am sorry for your loss. You have been through so much and I am concerned for your health. Taking repeated mental beatings can really do a number on your health. It happened to me.

Please take care of yourself.

cwigg99723

Registered:
Posts: 628
 #12 
I am so sorry to read that you are having a terrible time.  When I read your post, I think that it could be me!!!! 
 
Although I am married(to a wonderful man), without him, I would probably close up myslef.  However, I do have a very strong safety net to help me if I should close up. 
 
Why don't you try to go to places that you could meet people.  It would be very difficult for me to meet people and here I am trying to tell you!!!!  Perhaps attend a Singles Sunday School class.  And I am not talking about meeting a "man", but I am sure you would make some wonderful gril friends there.   When I was single, 28 years ago, I joined Parents Without Partners, not to meet a guy, but to make a new set of girl friends.  All my girl friends were married and I knew I needed a new group of women to go to the movies, etc.  Without even looking for a husband, that is where I met my wonderful husband.  So, you need to open up doors and walk through them.  I know it is difficult, especially if you are suffering depression.
 
You can go to your County Mental Health people and they can get you into counseling.  If you are on Medicare, they will pay for it.  I suffer from depression and I understand it.  Let me know how you are doing.  We all care here and we understand.
 
Clara
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