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Idontevenknowanymore

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Posts: 2
 #1 
I posted on the 18th of April the day after my cat died when he got viciously ripped away from my life. I'm still completely devastated about it, they say time heals all wounds but it just feel like the world has it out for me. I lost my cat to my neighbor's dog, we had told them countless times that despite the invisible fence and the sock collar their dog kept coming into my yard. I dont discriminate against any kind of breed of animal but their masters are a different story entirely, I cant begin to explain the sheer hatred I have for my neighbor. I know that once a pitbull has their mind set on something no shock collar is gonna stop them from going after it. Now if they just listen the first couple of times my cat would still be here.

I try really hard not to think about could'ves or should'ves cause that kinda thinking will only drive you crazy. Sorry but I'm gonna probably start cussing cause I can, I'm just so angry and hurt. I know people have been telling to do something about my neighbor's dog because he's dangerous and my family members are worried about their little kids because they come around often and they play all over the yard. Then they get mad because my neighbor still has their dog, but I cant do sht about it because the owner is a damn cop. I had talked to the animal control and they couldnt do anything about it because the owner was a cop. Now I feel disgusted and frustrated, I seethe so much with angry it makes me feel sick to my stomach. And just like a vicious cycle I get angry again and it continues.

Now to get to the bit that comes to my dog. My poor puppy, he wasnt evem 6 months old and I had to put him down. I was attached to him when I first got him but after my cat died he was the only comfort that I had left, so i grew more attached when I would cry and just be a zombie he would come and sit on my lap just like my cat did. Though it pained me because it reminded me of my cat but it comforted me as well. My dad had told me that I shouldn't worry about my dog dying because he was still a puppy and he would live a long time yet. Well now that's a sick joke isnt it?
He wasnt attacked by the dog next door, but he was hit by a car. Now I know people gonna think well maybe tie him up or you should've been watching him. But this was a massive super ridiculous ucking fluke, in the little time I had my puppy he never once got off his chain. I took him out everyday in the morning or when he was ready to go out and tied him up for a little bit before bringing him back in. I had just gotten back in the house after I watched him a bit while he played. Not even 5 minutes in the house I here this noise outside and next thing I know my dog is screaming and the highway in front of my house. I took him to the vet and they said his pelvis was completely shattered and his hind leg was broken.
Sick thing too was it was the some leg my cat's leg was broken.

Since I'm a major selfish piece of sht I told the vet to give me some pain meds for my dog and I took him home. Despite all the meds my dog cried all night and I knew what I had to do the next day.

Just like my cat I didnt want my dog to suffer so I had taken him back to the vet and had him put down.

I feel like nobody knows how this has truly ucked me up with both my babies dying like they did. People keep telling me they're just animals. And honestly I cant help but mentally scream in my head how much they weren't just animals, how much I hate those people for saying those things. I had my cat since I was 6 years old and just before my 21st birthday. He was with me through it all, everytime I had a shtty day just seeing him made my day all worth it just to see my cat, my baby.

And he's not here anymore. He's gone.

And I cant handle it.

Everything I did, I did it for my cat because he deserved the world. Because just like me he was abused by people until I saved him when I was young. I had stolen him for myself and I treated him like the king he was. When i was locked away in a room by people who you should trust for days on end, it was just me and him. I made sure he was always fed, always had water. I'd forfeit it all for my cat and I did. He was the only thing I turely trusted. Maybe its just me putting my own feelings in how he felt but he trusted me too. He was always there even when everyone else left me. Whenever I got sick he would just come and sit with me or go to sleep with me.

I slept with my cat every night, he was the only thing that kept the nightmares away. Now they have come back full force. When I was diagnosed with depression and ptsd when I got home he was there the light of my day. No matter how dark the road was at night or how dark it seemed, it didnt matter to me because my cat was my light in it all. When the nights were especially dark with me having no intention to see the light of morning with a barrel to my head, he would come and sit on my lap and I was okay. It made it all okay. He needed me. I was needed.

There is no combinations of words in the entirety of the English language that I can use to describe to you exactly what my cat ment to me. As well as how much I miss him.

These days despite me writing this, or doing everything to try and be okay, I just ain't.
I dont think I ever will be again.

The nightmares are back, I dont sleep.
My lights gone, the nights are getting longer
It's harder to see tomorrow's light when it's not the one I desire.






Heidi4907

Registered:
Posts: 39
 #2 
You've expressed your feelings so clearly, from your love, grief, rage, etc. It is all understandable. Especially the way you described the love for your cat, as strong as it gets and beyond, "the king he was." I know I can't write anything here that will make you feel better, and there is no way around this hurting for a long time. For a number of reasons, including your depression and ptsd diagnosis, I think if you have access to counseling it's time to seek help. I know I would be way too overwhelmed to deal with all of this by myself. I'm so sorry. It's good, as you said, you're trying to be okay, but for an animal lover like yourself, this is so much. I lost my cat to cancer April 6th. He was my best friend. Most people have no idea of how much it can hurt. 
jazz12mex

Registered:
Posts: 8
 #3 
Life is truly unfair and cruel. You really cared for your pets and had a strong bond with your cat. Accidents are a part of life and I know it is hard to overcome the feelings of dread and sadness but take it one day at a time. My dog has also passed away about a month ago due to a car hitting him and it still hurts like it just happened yesterday. The passing of your cat sounds and is very traumatic and heartbreaking, I hope you are handling everything well. The fact that your neighbors did not care about their dog escaping makes me so angry and even more since they don't bother to do anything about it. Just know that you are not alone, wishing you the best 
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