Registered: 1157161163 Posts: 1,821
1st - i am so very sorry for your loss - making the decision is always heart breaking - and seems so much worse and even unfair when they are young and/or physically healthy. it is never easy - and i can only imagine how hard it has to be when they seem so healthy physically. But the sad truth is they are not healthy - mental illness is still illness.
The truth is your baby was sick - no, not a physical ailment that could be seen this time - but still sick. And as with some physical ailments, some mental ailments cannot be successfully treated. You set your baby free. Even when we free our beloved companions from catastrophic physical ailments like end stage cancer we often go through feeling that same way, it is normal. Guilt is very often the 1st steps on grief’s path, the what ifs and if onlys are simply our grief tormenting us. When we loose these precious souls why really doesn't matter - love is a shared bond and when that bond seems severed it hurts. But your baby will be with you always - free of the aggression they could not control - simply in a form you cannot see. You gave your baby a safe place and you loved them - and you gave them a lifetime of love and care in their time with you then allowed a dignified good-bye allowing them to leave with dignity surrounded by love. You gave them chances where many would not. Please know you did try and in the end had no real choice - what were your baby's options? Life in a cage? Intervention 'on the spot' by the authorities when things got too out of control? Someone scarred and their death happening at the hands of someone trying to stop them? An end that likely would not have been with ones who love your baby or care if they is frightened? You gave your baby a wonderful life where elsewhere they may have known abuse, and gave them every chance you could and you tried to give them a home where they would be safe. When your baby passed to the hands of the angels it was be from love to love, they carried your baby to a place where they is free of the demons that made them aggressive and at that instant your baby understood that you acted out of love and compassion. Your baby is free and happy. Please know all you are feeling right now is normal and no matter what the circumstances is what we have all felt. i am so very sorry for your loss. Know we are here for you and your family. Sadly, we have seen this tale before and we do understand and we know sometimes there is no choice. When you can please share a photo. I feel certain there are so many wonderful memories with your baby , and sharing those sometimes helps. And if you just need someone to sit by your side - well you now belong to a family that circles the globe.
It seemed the day was even grayer than even the greyest of days. The pup found she was suddenly at the edge of the most beautiful place she had ever seen. She could still feel Mom and Dad's tears, hear their sobs. "I'm so sorry Mom and Dad, I really did try but the demons are too strong and sometimes they pushed through." She lowered her head and began to walk away, to be sure she did not deserve to be someplace so lovely. A radiant being in white suddenly stood in her path, surrounded by many other pups of all sizes and breeds. "Please," she implored, "I don't want to, but if you stay near me sooner or later the demons will win and I may hurt one of you. I don't want to hurt anyone, its best if I just go." The radiant being just smiled at her - a soft compassionate smile, at that moment they reminded her of her Mom and Dad. "I let them down so many times, I didn't want the demons to win but sometimes they do. And I left them no choice, I let them down and hurt them yet again." Hero, Seabreeze, Heather, Charlie, Molly, John, Stashie, Hershey, Samson, Morgan, Niko, Jordan, Timber, Dixie, Buddy, Tina, Snickers, Dizzy, Harley, Jack, Kimmi, Sammy, Fender, Tosca, Bruno, tried to gather around the newcommer but she backed away. Seabreeze stepped forward, "We won't hurt you little one." She looked to the radiant being and whimpered, "Please make them leave. I don't want to hurt anyone else." Now the radiant being smiled and actually seemed amused. "Little One, reach within. Can you feel that? Can you feel the demons are gone?" The little one got quiet and after a moment looked up in amazement, "They ARE gone!!" Then she looked at the others around her, "But I've done so many bad things, I don't deserve nice friends. I don't deserve to be in such a wonderful place." Now the others all looked amused. Dizzy spoke up first, "We all felt that way at first." Slowly Dizzy's words filtered in. "You mean . . . ., I am not the only one?" she asked quietly. Tina pushed to the front, "Of course not, all our humans had to make that same choice as yours. But now you're free - the demons are gone." The Little one thought on Tina's words. "What about Mom and Dad? Can I let them know I am free, that I'm sorry?" At that moment all the others grew quiet, the Little One looked to the radient being and realized they were gone. She looked to the rest afraid their silence meant no. Just then a large silver wolf walked up to her, she knew she should fear a wolf, yet, somehow knew she could trust The Silver One. "Have you all finished monopolizing her time yet? If you are done she still needs to be shown the reflection pond, to be shown . . " Just then the Little One heard a familiar sound, her Mom and Dad. "They are here?" she asked, and she followed the sound. She found herself by the clearest crystal pond, and when she looked into the pond she saw her Mom and Dad." Concentrate on them, Little One. Send your love and thanks to them - from your heart to theirs - and they will feel your love." the Silver One said gently. As she watched her Mom and Dad seemed to calm even thought they were still crying, and her Mom looked up at her Dad, "She is at peace now wrapped in our love." The Little One looked at the Silver One and the others, "Thank You." The Silver One looked at the others and back at her, "You can see them anytime you wish from here. The others will show you how to send them your love, Little One." (c) Candace 11/13/09 All too often people do not want to discuss this type loss, so those who experience making the decision due to issues feel they are alone. aggression All the names of the other ones are real – Fur angels we have seen at PetLoss because their parents had to make that sad decision due to issues. i am sure there are other names also - newer names and names I have accidentally left out. aggression We understand - know that you had no choice and we understand that you are in pain. But your fur child is with the other fur angels - free of the demons she fought against so hard.
Registered: 1157161163 Posts: 1,821
Registered: 1524035483 Posts: 14
Koba.. if love alone could have healed you, you'd still be here. <3
Registered: 1515424134 Posts: 1
Thank you for the post.... It still doesn’t take away the crippling guilt and loss that I feel, if only I had done more!
Registered: 1157161163 Posts: 1,821
Koba'sMom - If only love could save them - but sadly it cannot. Nor can it cure cancer or kidney failure or heart disease (I know or so many of my babies would still be here) - Koba is lovely - such a beautiful pic of your baby.
Myhusbandsbestfriend - I only hope the words helped some. As to the crippling guilt and loss and wishing you had done more . . . . . . . I felt/feel that same deep in the soul questioning for each furbaby we have lost. In my mind I know it was what I needed to do each time. But the mind is not the heart - just as an example, when we brought Drac home from the Vet School our hope was one more weekend - just Saturday evening to Monday morning because we knew he was at the end. But within an hour of being home the IV drugs they had him on at the vet school wore off and he began screaming - I can only assume pain - and my wonderful drove out and met us at the clinic right away. My mind says we had to - he had no options but pain or being drugged to the point of sleep. But my heart screamed, "NONONO, find one more something we can try, there must be something else we can do". So we said goodbye to our 18 1/2 year old kitty and cried - and felt that crippling guilt and loss that feeling, if only I had done more. The only relief I can offer you is that with time it does get better. We never don't miss them, but it becomes our new normal as we recognize that they are in us now, and that comes with time. ghattenwolf