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arosettamason48

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Posts: 32
 #1 
It's been nearly a month and the pain just gets worse every day. I feel so alone and farther from who I was when he was here. I don't know who I am without him. I continue to sob over him all day. I just want to be where he is. I can't stop picturing him on his last days here. I can't stop thinking about how I found his tiny, innocent, lifeless body that I snuffed out at such a young age. It was all my fault. I can't rid the "what if's.."

I question my religion and my beliefs. Why would God take something so precious from me in such a brutal way? I always believed that everything happened for a reason but there is no reason for this. My life was going so well.. I was so close to getting my degree in homeland security. When I began my venture, I knew that if I would be able to just save one person's life in this country, then it would all be worth it. All I ever wanted to do was help people. But in a tragic accident I took my best friend's life. I abruptly stopped my classes. I finally felt like maybe I was put here to do good for others but if God is real then why would he do this?.. why would he disrupt that path?

I stopped coming here because it was too painful but I just feel so alone and so hopeless and like life has no meaning. I lived and breathed by him. He was my entire world. I truly cannot escape this horror.

Is there anyone out there who feels this way? It is unbearable.
lovemydogs

Registered:
Posts: 6
 #2 
I lost my old girl back in October, and I share some of the same feelings you have.  In my case, guilt over what I should've done or could've done to save my old girl.  

I also have been questioning my beliefs and what this all means.  I too struggle with "everything happens for a reason."  It's so hard to make sense of the why when the outcome is so negative.  I guess it's because we need to rationalize the pain and grief.  

Life does have meaning - even when it doesn't feel like it.  Maybe the lesson is to learn about love on a much deeper level.  It shows us how important life really is and how special the connection is with those we love.

There's always something to be hopeful about even if the days feel dark and sad.  It's much harder to see that when we feel so bad...I read your post and saw you didn't have any replies.  I hope you get this message.  You're not alone.  Not at all.  The pages of this message board are filled with people who feel the same sort of loss as you and me.  

Hugs to you and prayers for healing.


cosesmom

Registered:
Posts: 580
 #3 
I felt and still feel that life doesn't have the same meaning as it used to. It's been almost 18 months since I said goodbye to my beloved sweet Termy but the pain is still there. I choose to let him go because of his old age and the struggle he was having everyday just to go on. I felt for the first 6 months that I didn't want to live and all I could think of is I wanted to be with him and I did think about joining him but I know that I can not go to Heaven if I ended my own life and then I wouldn't ever see him again. I just know that for everyday that passes I am one day closer to being with him. The what if's will haunt you forever as they do with me. We can not rid ourselves of the what if's and should have's. I wish I knew the answers to all of our pain and how to help us go on and live with the sweet memories that we shared with our babies. Give yourself time and grieve, it's all any of us can do for now.
It is painful to read about others who hurt as much as we do but replying to others helps me to heal inside because I can share their feelings and offer comfort.
love and doggie hugs
Termy's mom
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