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ClareLouise

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Posts: 5
 #1 
Hi, this is the first forum I have ever joined but I feel compelled to in order to seek advice/support. Yesterday evening I took the heartwrenching decision to put my beloved 20 yr old kitty Clawde to sleep. His kidneys were in the early stages of failing, his body was very dehydrated and he had severe constipation as a result. The last fortnight have been a blur of vet visits, blood tests, needles, horrid enemas and me having to hold him twice a day to force syringes of laxatives in his poor little mouth. None of these treatments helped my beautiful boy. He started going down hill fast. Losing weight, becoming very frail, constantly straining at the litter tray. I knew the kidney disease would progress in time, but even a week ago he was so lively, enjoying his food, super affectionate,etc. Thought we could manage just for a little longer the dehydration and help his constipation enough for him to continue to enjoy a little more of his favourite things....cuddles and treats. Now I feel horrendous with guilt!! I am devastated that his last memories of me after 20 yrs of love are those horrid things he was subjected to. The minute I really saw him suffering I took the decision to let him go and join his little sister (whom I lost a year ago having had both from 10 week old kittens in 1998). But I am torturing myself with thoughts of what he went through and whether I cuddled him enough the last few weeks, whether he passed away knowing his Mummy loved him more than anything. My mind is playing games with me. I am beyond heartbroken. Just sobbing and sobbing. I miss him more than I can possibly say. The pain is just as bad as when I had his sister Clawdia put to sleep when she had mouth cancer. They were both my whole world for so very many years. Don’t want to sound melodramatic but if somebody put a dagger in my heart and twisted it a thousand times it would hurt less than losing my 2 Darlings. How do you begin to deal with the guilt, the pain, the emptiness? My friends have been wonderful! They are more like family than my own family, but nothing is helping right now.......😢😢😢😢😢😢.
Abbie

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Posts: 46
 #2 
You have come to the right place and a wonderful place - where you can let it all out and not face judgement - only understanding.

Healing takes time - on your time.  To some degree, we always will have guilt because we are always with the "woulda, shoulda, coulda".

As time progress, those last moments will go to the background and the happiness will move to the front.  20 years old - wow!  What a wonderful long life!  Roughly speaking, that puts him at 90 in human years.  Quite a feat for a human non the less a fur baby!  

We do the very best we can and they know this.  We will always beat ourselves up and it will hurt as much as we love.  In time, your time, the good will overshadow the bad.  Don't rush yourself and don't try to hide from the stages because it makes it worse.  Just breathe and take it a moment at a time.
PoisonIvy

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Posts: 60
 #3 
My dog died on Monday.  I too feel some guilt, for not having her euthanized sooner.  She had a tumor in her mouth and was sometimes very bothered by it, but at other times, perfectly normal. 

My suggestions for coping are the following:  time; distraction; letting yourself grieve, including crying; not feeling guilty or silly for being sad; reminding yourself that you always had your cat's best interests at heart and never tried to harm him.
Tanker_1

Registered:
Posts: 67
 #4 

Owner, dearest friend, 

I could never say enough Owner, dearest friend, to thank you for the love you gave to me until the end. I am sorry that I hurt you by saying my goodbye.

You gave me such a happy home. I lived a happy life. I lept and played in many ways You maybe couldn't see. Of all the pets you might have loved, I am glad that you chose me.

Its okay to miss me, for I will miss you too. Its okay to bow your head and cry if you have too.

However hard it seems today, your dear sweet heart will heal. For now, my friend remember me, and feel what you must feel.

But don't give up on loving owner dearest friend. Although the cost is oh so high, its worth it in the end. To know that you made this pets life the best one it could be, It should be no mystery why you meant the world to me.

The video is here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V213BsnsQBs&index=1&list=PLx9XDmfR41jVlarRqJCqswGxbrmyqzcwx
Its is not my work. 

cosesmom

Registered:
Posts: 580
 #5 
I am so sorry for your heart ache. It's so very hard to let them go for their pain and suffering is over and ours begin. I hope in time you can remember the journey you shared with Clawde and smile. Grieve all you need to and come here often. Here you have love and support.
Love and doggie hugs
Termy's mom
ClareLouise

Registered:
Posts: 5
 #6 
Thankyou for your beautiful words and warm heart. More than you could ever know. Xxxx.
ClareLouise

Registered:
Posts: 5
 #7 
I would like to thank everybody who has replied. Nobody understands more than people who have been through the same heartwrenching emptiness that losing a pet brings and I can see you have all been there. I am crying now as cc this. deep d that ti will of accepting the loss of my beloved Clawde and that the guilt I am feeling is a stage of the grieving process but it is so intense right now. My fear is him not understanding why he was being put through the unpleasant experiences and fathat you cannot explain to aan animal that you are trying to help the.You can explain to another person or even a child that you are trying to help them feel better, but I am tormenting myself with thoughts and visions of what he endured. I did give him cuddles and try to make a fuss of him as well but I just hope to God he knew how much I adored him as he passed. I especially love the poem from the point of view of the pet. Everybody who knew Clawde adored him. He was so gentle and affectionate. My partner Juan called him a “cuddle-machine”. He was a beautiful pure white cat with bright blue eyes. I will miss him and his sister forever and that bond and love never dies. I know many people who say they can never have another pet because the heartbreak when they pass is too much to bear. I totally understand their decision, but for me personally......I would do it all again and again. The joy and warmth that comes with loving and being loved by a pet is too precious. Thankyou again everybody for reading my post and sharing your own thoughts and experiences. Xxxxxxx.
stronics

Registered:
Posts: 37
 #8 
I don't know what to say, I am too still in pain and know how bad it hurts. I hope it gets better for you as time goes.
David
Always__there

Registered:
Posts: 123
 #9 
Louise,
I am so filled with emotion as I read your description of Dear Clawde...
Yes, the passing of is the most traumatic aspect of pet loss. The attachment we have to them is very real, that cannot be broken. To bid farewell is downright heart wrenching ! Where do the years go when our pets were young and carefree and living the Life with purpose and a caring hand. I do feel your despair and know We on this Forum are all in the same predicament, To Mourn Our Loss. I, too am in my own world with my own grief. If it helps, know that We All Understand. Do find Solace. Do speak Clawde's name freely and by doing so.... He lives On..........SherryXPerryX
ClareLouise

Registered:
Posts: 5
 #10 
Awwww thankyou Sherry for your beautiful words. I am so taken aback by the warmth I have received here. I was nervous of joining because I am a bit shy and also behind the times when it comes to anything online. However, my grief is so strong that I just felt compelled to share with others who understand. I am glad I joined as it is helping so much. I am truly sorry you too have suffered such pain like everybody else here. Would you mind to share a little about your pet with me? I understand if it is too painful. I am thinking of you too and my heart goes out to you. Thankyou again. Xxxx.
Krisnichols77

Registered:
Posts: 4
 #11 
How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard. A.A Miline, Winnie the Pooh.
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