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my_tiny_dancer

Registered:
Posts: 12
 #1 
Hello all, first time poster here and I am riddled with guilt.

My 10 year old shi-tzu baby has passed away only 23 hours ago, losing her battle to lymphoma (and Cushing’s).

I adopted Teddie when I was 17, so we matured together, and she was my confidant, sister, and baby all in one. She has had health issues since she was a pup, with the biggie being Cushing‘s Syndrome diagnosed this summer, and then lymphoma discovered a month ago, as well as bile build up problems and dermatitis throughout the years.

Teddie was three weeks into her chemotherapy, on her second dose of Vincristine. She was a trooper for the first two weeks, although not without struggle and pain. She was so strong, coming out a winner after each round of chemo, recovering to her old self, begging for treats and cuddles, digging “nests” in the duvets, terrorizing the cat, even going for tiny walks in the park like we used to before the diagnosis.

After the second round of chemo the vet said the prognosis is good, she is responding well and her lymphs have shrunk, lungs are clear, albeit her white blood cells being slightly lower than normal and spleen still “irregular”. Nevertheless, he proceeded with the third round of chemo, and she got dramatically worse very fast. Teddie stopped eating, barely stood up, and started throwing up on the third day. I took her in to the ER, but the vet said all she needs is some medicine to stop her throwing up. I pressed on, saying that she is at an all time low, so the vet said if she doesn’t stop vomiting then I should take her in, but no need to scare her by leaving her at the hospital just yet.

The medicine did the trick, she stopped throwing up.

That day I hand-fed her the special recovery dog food that the vet prescribed, gave her water from a syringe every couple of hours. She was strong enough to go out for a quick pee, but when she came back her legs seemed weak and she seemed disoriented. This happened before during the second round of chemo, so we just laid on the bed together, resting like the vet advised. She perked up when my mum came back from work, and I gave her a little bath and brushed her fur. We cuddled some more. At about 11pm my mum noticed again that Teddie wasn’t able to stand up, but since this has happened before, and the vet said it’s normal during chemo, I just cuddled her in bed until she fell asleep and I put her into her own little bed at the foot of my bed because she likes to roll around on my bed, and I’m always scared she’ll topple off.

I woke up at exactly 2am feeling anxious. Teddie was awake, breathing slightly louder than usual. A couple of minutes later she started barking ever so quietly, half whimpering. I offered her water, tried to get her on her feet to help her pee in case she needed to go. She was making strange movements with her head, seemingly not properly in control. I laid her down. 5 minutes later she whimpered again and my mum came in to check on us. I was set on going in to the ER, but my mum advised to wait a little bit in case she calms down, since the vet is a very stressful place for her and she later said she was scared Teddie would die on the way there. I brushed it off, saying Teddie wasn’t dying, but nevertheless took my coat off and laid back down with her. We gave her the prescribed medicine for muscle pain (a slightly lower dose because of her upset stomach). She lifted up her head, as if looking around and barked again. My mum finally laid next to us, she felt like Teddie was looking for her and calling her. Mum was stroking her, and I was holding her paw and singing her favourite song - Tiny Dancer by Elton John. Teddie started to dose off and we turned the light down, still stroking her. I was relieved that she powered through and was sure she would make it till morning. But her breathing slowed down, ever so peacefully, her heart slowed down, she sighed ever so deeply and then she was gone. Just like that. Teddie died at 2:45am.

I cannot stop crying, and I keep blaming myself that I didn’t leave Teddie at the ER when we went in during the day for her anti-nausea medicine and were sent home instead. Why didn’t I ask for an IV? Why didn’t I press on about her low white blood cell count? If she would have gotten more help during the day, perhaps I wouldn’t loose her during the night? I just listened to the vet, but they were so cold and clinical with her, why didn’t I make them take the situation more seriously? What happened to her? I can’t stop thinking about doing things differently and blaming myself so so much. Could I have had a few more weeks with her? Should I have rushed her into the ER during the night? Should I have opted in for chemo in the first place?

The vet still hasn’t been in contact with me, so I’m frantically googling what exactly could have been the cause of Teddie’s passing, but I will go to the animal hospital tomorrow and try to get some answers and a little bit of closure.

I cannot stop crying and don’t think I ever will.

my_tiny_dancer

Registered:
Posts: 12
 #2 
I want to do everything all over again. I let her down so much. Why can’t I take back time.

She was the purest, sweetest soul on earth. I did not deserve even though she was my bestest closest sweet sweet friend and partner in crime. Was I hers though?

The pain is unbearable today.
MyBabyGirlPeanut

Registered:
Posts: 102
 #3 
I am so very sorry Tiny Dancers Mom,

I am dealing with those same thoughts and second guessings.  My little sweetheart Bella had got up Wednesday morning and I gave her heart pills.  She then waited for her breakfast.  I called her to eat but she was walking very slowly.  She was ready to take a few bites when she suddenly turned to walk away.  That's when her legs collapsed and she let out a loud whimper and fell down.  Since this happened with another girl of mine named Peanut I thought this was temporary so I ran to put some clothes on and picked her up to race to the vet. She was laying on my lap as we were speeding to the vet.  She had passed before we got inside.  I have tremendous guilt and anxiety.....should I have just held her in my arms and let her pass away as I held her.  I know she was very afraid and I hate myself for getting my pants on. I thought we could get to the vet in time.  Now I hate myself for not holding her tight and kissing her.  I thought we had more time.  My sweet baby Bella, my life, my soulmate please forgive me.  I will never forgive myself. I will always love you my little baby.

I am so very sad and crying river of tears.  How do I go on without you.

Love you forever my little honey-bunny.

Mom
my_tiny_dancer

Registered:
Posts: 12
 #4 
Dear Bev,

Thank you for sharing these feelings with me. Consoling to not be alone...

Today is a hard day. I have travelled to my partner’s apartment today, for the first time since Teddie left me. He lives 4 hours away and I hate being away from Teddie. I am still waiting for her ashes.
It snowed today and she would have loved it when she was healthy. But she was ill for so many months and I’m so sad my memories of the good days are slipping away and are increasingly being replaced by the bad once’s because that is all I am thinking about.

Hope you are ok...

And hope our babies are ok and at peace. And hope Teddie has forgiven me for the bad days....
my_tiny_dancer

Registered:
Posts: 12
 #5 
Dear sweet sweet Teddie,

Today is a hard day. It has been 10 days without you, my sweet baby girl, and they have been the emptiest days of my life.

Do you remember how I buried my head into our soft warm fur and cried my eyes out after a bad breakup? I said that nothing could be worse. Well, I couldn’t be more wrong. I would love through a million breakups just to have you by my side in exchange. You were the closest person in my whole world, Tiny Dancer. You were always there for me, but I wasn’t always there for you.

Please please forgive me. For all the days I didn’t kiss you goodnight. For all the days I got frustrated with you. For getting exhausted during your sick days. How can I atone for those days, for those thoughts? I love you with every cell of my body.

Every thought a thought of you.

You were my whole world, Teddie.

I am not religious, but when I saw you, a little pup so pink so soft so gentle, when I saw you I felt that if a god exists then you are a gift from him to me. For me to protect, to love, to take care of. I called you Theodora - a gift from god.

You are my sunshine. But for now, I am feeling like I’m falling deep into a black black hole, your memory getting dim and dark. But I promise I will hold on, and get through, for you. So I can once again think of the sunny days with you by my side, alive and healthy.

I love you my tiny buffalo.
I love you my tiny dancer.

I love you Teddie.

MyBabyGirlPeanut

Registered:
Posts: 102
 #6 
My Tiny Dancer,

I hurt so badly for you and I feel your pain and sorrow as if it were my own.  My baby girl Bella passed away 12 days ago on Wednesday February the 5th. She was my soulmate who brought me so much happiness and love that I don't believe I'll ever have again until I meet her again in heaven.

I believe we will see our dear ones again in heaven because they are pure love without sin and created by God.

I don't believe that God doesn't take care of his creations, we just have to make sure that we live a good life so that we make it to heaven and are reunited with all of our loved ones.

I am sorry if I offended you with my beliefs...you may believe them or not.  I just want you to feel better and know that I am thinking of you and hoping for healing for all of us grieving parents.

Take good care of yourself.

My Baby Bella's Mom,
Bev
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