Registered: 1556499664 Posts: 42
As some of you may know, we had to put our dog, Patches, to sleep on his 11th birthday (March 30, 2019). It has been a rough almost 2 months and the pain is still so real and so unbearable. I'm struggling to get through every single day and I feel like things aren't getting any easier. Sometimes I can think about him and smile or laugh at the memories, but more often than not, I'll have a complete mental breakdown (kind of like right now). Anyway, I graduated from my community college this morning (May 23, 2019). We were allowed to decorate our graduation caps and I decided to create mine in honour of Patches and my grandma who were absolute best friends. The background is rainbows (Rainbow Bridge). I also included 2 pictures of Patches as well as some heart and paw print stickers. The butterflies represent my grandma. She loved butterflies and had a sticker of one on the sunglasses she always wore. When I got her signature tattooed onto my arm, I got a butterfly to go right next to it. I felt a mix of emotions while making and wearing it. I wanted the two of them to be included on this special day. It hurts knowing that they're not physically here, but they are here in spirit. We went to the diner after the ceremony, and my mom told me that she "could see Patches right there with me... Walking next to me, looking up at me while I crossed the stage to get my diploma, then following me back down to my seat." Thinking about that makes me cry. I can picture it. I remember all the times my parents told me that Patches looks up to me like I'm a god. As soon as I was around, he wouldn't listen to anyone else and he'd just follow me everywhere. Thinking about what she told me today, I can easily picture the way he'd walk and look up to me as I made my way around the stadium. I'd usually pose with him for pictures, but this time I couldn't. He was on my cap, though. I want to include him in as many things as I possibly can. I'm very excited to get my tattoos in honour of him. I'm going to get his paw prints on my chest, then a cartoon portrait of him on my arm above my grandma's name. Today has been difficult. When I got home, I took a nap with my boyfriend. When I woke up, my parents had left for the store and my boyfriend needed to leave. I've been alone for the past hour and I'm feeling really depressed and not good at all. I feel a deep pit of darkness inside of me and I'm scared that it'll never go away. I suffer from depression, anxiety, OCD, panic, etc. and Patches was my rock. He kept me grounded and sane. Now that he's gone, I don't know what to do with myself. I am glad that I found this group. It has helped tremendously. I will try to include a picture of the graduation cap.
Registered: 1557511919 Posts: 171
What a wonderful accomplishment, congratulations. I love your graduation cap. Such a beautiful tribute to sweet patches and to your grandma. I know both of them were with you today when you accepted your diploma. Sounds like it was a day of conflicting emotions for you. Things will get better, hang in there and continue to reach out and share. What a sweet beautiful face dear Patches. He's smiling in the picture on the right (one with red leash), you can tell how happy he was to be part of your life. Sending you comforting thoughts.
Registered: 1236109339 Posts: 17
WOW! You've graduated from college. Congratulations! Sorry that your little friend, Patches, couldn't be with you in person or your grandma too but both were there in spirit. The graduation cap looks great and it's a really nice tribute to them both.
I remember all of the "firsts" after I put each of my dogs to sleep...their birthdays, holidays, anniversary of when I got them & when they died. Oh, how it hurt so very much! I cried almost every day for awhile at first but I eventually got better. I still cry for them off & on though. Take your time to mourn. You can't just forget what all you've been through with Patches. Not everybody understand how we petlovers feel. Our pets are our "kids". We do as much as we can for them till the day they die. When they die, a part of us dies too. You wonder if the pain will ever go away. NO, it doesn't! The pain just slowly lightens up over time but in YOUR time and NOT somebody else's. You feel like a zombie at first and it's as if you don't know what to do or where you're going or whatever else. You have trouble eating, sleeping, & thinking. You ask yourself if it was the right thing to do to put him to sleep or not. You feel guilty for doing so but yet, you know it's for the best. If you feel deeply in your heart that Patches & you were ready for him to pass on, then that's all that matters. We NEVER are ready for somebody to pass on, whether human or furbaby. You try to learn to accept the fact that the time has come for you to say "good-bye" to your loved one. You don't want him to suffer anymore and you can't stand seeing him in pain anymore. He's in a better place now and he's with your grandma. Just think of the two of them being together and enjoying themselves. That is such a very happy thought. They are thinking of you and know that you miss them too. They know that your heart hurts but you'll see them again one of these days. Don't let Patches' death get you down to where you can't do things. He wouldn't want you to be sad all of the time. Your grandma & he would want you to go on with your life but yet, remember how much they meant to you. I understand panic attacks, anxiety, & depression since I have them too but mostly panic attacks & anxiety. I just don't get them all of the time and don't take meds for them. My faith in God has gotten me through all of my dogs' deaths. My faith has also helped me with the panic attacks & anxiety. Go day by day to help you slowly overcome Patches' death. A few years from now, you'll be able to think of Patches and just smile or, maybe just get tears in your eyes at the thought of him. Or, a special moment comes along and you feel like crying. Getting another pet right away isn't always helpful. Take time for yourself and mourn his death. Talking about him helps with the pain. Support groups are great, like this group. Remember that there are ppl who understand how you feel and are willing to help you. Darlene
Registered: 1556499664 Posts: 42
Sorry for the late reply. Thank you, yes I tried to include them in my special day and it upsets me knowing that they couldn't be here with me to celebrate. I'm sorry about the loss of your dogs. It hurts so badly. Patches passed away on March 30, 2019 so it has only been about 2 and a half months. It feels like he has been gone for so long, but at the same time, it feels like we just lost him yesterday. I thought that I was doing at least a little better, but I'm really not. Sometimes I'll be able to talk about Patches and look at his pictures without crying. I might even smile or laugh at some of the memories, but more often than not, I can't stand to think about him because it makes me feel so sick knowing that he's never coming back. I cry every single day. I do understand that it was the right thing to do for him. It was his 11th birthday when we sent him to the Rainbow Bridge. He was diagnosed with diabetes in November 2018 and was doing really well except for some minor complications that we were able to manage. Unfortunately, the days leading up to his passing were not kind to him. He suffered from slipped disks in his neck and back. The same thing happened in March 2018, but we were able to manage it with steroids. Because of the diabetes, this time we weren't able to give him the same medications. Each day got worse and worse so we made the decision to humanely euthanise him. We stayed with him right through the end, but I keep reliving those days in my head and I don't feel like I'll ever get better. I can't accept the fact that he's gone, but I understand that we helped him the best that we could throughout his entire life. We tried getting another dog named Jackson about a month after we lost Patches, but we ended up giving him to my cousin. They fell in love with the little puppy in a way we would never be able to do. It was too soon. I don't regret getting Jackson because he helped me realise that I can't just hide my feelings and I have to deal with my emotions at some point. I really do love this group because there are so many people with similar situations and everyone is so nice. Danielle