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kjphoenix00

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Posts: 1
 #1 
Hi all-

I never thought of myself as the type of person to utilize an online support group for anything.  But, I've had time today to read through many of the postings on this site, and I can unfortunately claim status as a part of this tribe.

I lost my beloved, Greys, two months ago.  She had many issues.  Skin issues plagued her since she was six months old.  She lived the first few years on steroids, then I converted to weekly injections, then Apoquel in 2014.  Her skin issues were awful, and before Apoquel, she mutilated herself quite often.  In 2016, Greys was diagnosed with Cushing's Disease.  Post 2016, she developed lots of mobility issues, and spent most of her time in the house and immobile.  Since 2018, I've carried her in my arms most everywhere.

The cost of the medication for the skin issues and Cushing's was more than I could afford, but I made room in the budget, and she and I conquered those hurdles together. 

I moved to Denver in late 2018 and Greys came with me.  She had been plagued with constant kidney infections for months.  The doctors could not tell what was wrong with her, only that she needed constant antibiotics.  I went through countless cultures to determine which antibiotic, but as soon as I would get a kidney infection clear, I would notice signs that she was again plagued by an infection.

In March 2019 I woke up in the middle of the night to Greys having breathing issues.  I took her to the vet and they did xrays.  Greys had a bronchial disease that would require more medication on top of the Cushings, antibiotics, and skin related medicines.  While at the vet office for the breathing issues, a large tumor the size of a tongue was found lying underneath her actual tongue.  I had never noticed it before.  She had stopped eating hard food several months prior, but I had contributed that to her older age. The vet told me that in order to officially determine if that tumor was cancerous, I would have to allow Greys to go through a surgery to remove it.  I was heartbroken because at that time in her life, I could not imagine a surgery to remove that tumor.  She hated leaving the house.  It was a struggle of pain and anxiety and I couldn't put her through it.

I decided to euthanize Greys.  It happened on April 6, 2019.

In addition to making the heartbreaking decision to end her life, I am now plagued by a euthanasia procedure that did not go well.  The at-home company I chose worked within a two injection system.  And the first injection caused quite a bit of fear and anxiety.  There was noticeable reaction.  I watched her struggle on that last day.

Greys, even until her last hour, was the happiest dog I had ever met.  Her kindness and spirit was unmatched (I know I am biased).  But, I can't seem to make peace with what I've done.  It seems my soul has a wound and I can't quite get the wound to feel well.  It seems I will carry it.  Like many of you, the internal questions plague me.  Should we have conquered more together?  Why did I give up on her?  Will I be forgiven?

It's just really hard.  I don't know what to say.  I regret all of this, but at the same time, I don't.  And I feel like I am a horrible person.  It is hard to end a life.  And to end the life of what I held most dear is beyond heartbreaking.  

So, to all of you hurting, I send support.  I don't feel like I deserve any kindness over what I have seen and done, but I wish it for others.  Maybe we are meant to carry these wounds?  I'm unsure.
SasparillasMom

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Posts: 88
 #2 
kjphoenix00
  I am so very sorry for your loss. 
     I am sitting here reading your post with tears streaming down my face.  On May 7. We had our beautiful little dilute calico girl Misty euthanized.   Like your beloved Greys, Misty had multiple medical issues over the past several years.  Kidney infections, extreme high blood pressure, seizures, ulcerative sores on her feet.  We mostly managed all of those with meds.   About two years ago she had some kind of event, possibly a stroke, that took her eyesight.   She even managed to cope with that. 
    On May 6th she stopped eating.  The next day the vet told us that she could feel a large tumor in her abdomen, and we decided to let her go.   My vet also used the two injection system.  I asked to hold her during the process, and the Dr said I could once they gave her the first shot, since it sometimes "stings a little".   My poor girl yowled in pain.   Within a minute or two of them handing her to me, she proceeded to throw up, before the sedative took total effect.   Like you, I am struggling with these last images, and the feeling that I failed her by allowing that to happen.   
   It is really hard to have to make the decision..  All of us that have allowed these wonderful creatures into our lives end up facing it sooner or later.   I am trying to look at it as the ultimate act of love, to prevent suffering.   I just so wish it had been peaceful.
 
    You are not a horrible person, and you are deserving kindness.    Our pets loved us, and I believe they have forgiven us.   Now we need to try to forgive ourselves.
Take care,
Cathy
Sarsparilla, SenGe, Larry, Issabelle and Misty's Mom
cosesmom

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Posts: 525
 #3 
Cathy and Grey's mom,
Neither one of you did anything wrong. What you did was an act of a hero. Both Misty and Greys know that you would never do anything to hurt them and they trusted you. We all make that dreadful decision out of love. You were loved and you loved right back. Having them feel a small pain from the injection is far better than watching them suffer with terrible pain. Please don't let those last memories over shadow all the other memories that you shared. I know it's hard at first because I've been there. I knew that replaying that last day over and over wasn't doing me any good or was it not a way to honor Termy. It took me a while to get past that last image and remembering it tore me up inside. I was told to focus on the good memories and replace that last one with one that we shared and was blessed with the happiest of times. It does pop up once in a while and I push it away.
Everyone who goes through the loss of a beloved pet deserves kindness, love and understanding. Please don't ever think that you don't deserve kindness because you do. Greys knew the person she loved and you lived up to that for her. Be gentle with yourself and grieve but never feel you don't deserve the compassion from others.
Sending you my best
Love and doggie hugs
Termy's mom
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