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poseypom

Registered:
Posts: 12
 #1 
I lost my beautiful lab mix (Callie) on July 29, 2019. She was 14.5 years old when she passed.  I rescued
Callie from the shelter when she was 18 months old.
She did have bad arthritis for about 2 years other than that she was healthy.  Last year she started drinking her water excessively, and had urinary incontinence  The vets gave me medication for it but
most of the time she refused to take the medication. (I tried every food  including peanut butter,  cheese,
meat, ice-cream but it was still a "no go." Lab and urine tests always came back negative.  She was also
tested for Cushings but that was also negative. 
  Recently, she would eat for a day or two and than not eat for the next day or two.  (I thought she was
afraid to eat because she thought I hid medication in her food.) Her water consumption was also down.
   Unfortunately, the vets I had used for the last 13 years had both retired. I had to find a new vet. I brought Callie to the new vet and he told me that it was "time" but how do you trust some ones opinion
that is new to you.  I for some unknown reason didn't ask any questions, but I did tell him I wanted to think about it.
   In the meantime, Callie seemed to be getting worse, besides not eating and drinking, she was whimpering and could not sleep. She also had trouble breathing.  I called the new vet and I told him I thought it was"time".
  I took her to his office and again did not understand my reaction.  When he gave her the injection, I stood about 10 feet from her and although she looked at me with pleading eyes, I couldn't go over to comfort her.  It was as if I was stuck to the ground.  I am having trouble forgiving myself for this, because I loved Callie with all of my heart.
  I miss her so much and still cry all the time over losing her.
Porcupette

Registered:
Posts: 6
 #2 
Do you think something in you might have known the right thing to do?  I mean, what you wanted was to go in close and comfort Callie...were you in a calm state, or upset enough that it might have actually made her anxious about what was going on?  Or might she have got so excited that she'd move and make it hard for the vet to deliver the drug to the vein?  Maybe the pleading look was saying, "Don't leave." 

The bottom line is that you were there for her, in her sight.  She knew you were there, caring about her, and that's what she needed.  My guess is that something unexplainable in you knew what was needed rather than what you wanted.  You may or may not find an answer to why that would be the case, but nothing you said indicates that you let her down.  For our animal friends, no death is good enough.  No death is without guilt.  And I can't think of a time where it doesn't feel like something should have been different.  Let yourself off the hook, if you can--you loved her, and Callie knows that.  You got the important part right.
poseypom

Registered:
Posts: 12
 #3 
Thank you so, so much for your support, I appreciate having your input.
Looking back at the events of that day, I really think I was in complete denial. This enabled me to be able to function. Getting close to Callie to say goodbye would make what was about to happen real and I could not handle it. 
  To this day, I am unable to get rid of anything that belonged to her.  (Denial that she is not coming back!!)
Marlow_Cat_1

Registered:
Posts: 18
 #4 
Denial, overwhelming grief, the stress of the moment....the decision you made is at the moment is very understandable.  Euthanasia is a very difficult decision.  I think it is the ultimate act of love when we end the pain and suffering of our beloved family member and let our pain, grief and sorrow began.  I kindly suggest that you don't focus on this last event but remember all the wonderful years and love you shared together.  Sincerely, Marlow Cat 
poseypom

Registered:
Posts: 12
 #5 
Thank you for your support and understanding.
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