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CRS

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Posts: 71
 #41 
Tatiana,

I am deeply sorry for you, and for Phoenix.

I wish I knew what to say.

I keep going over your story, over and over. There are so many things I want to tell you all at once, but when I start to write them, they seem wrong.

I'm very sorry for the death of your friend.

It was not deliberate.

You wanted Phoenix to be able to go and enjoy being outside. You were finding a way to do this. You were doing this, because you already knew from before that Phoenix liked being outside. If this tragedy had not happened, you would have found other ways to bring him enjoyment and fine tuned the routines of play and life with him that we all develop and improve upon with our friends. The harness you bought was in that direction. The latches didn't work properly.

This just happened. It's going to take as long as it takes. Your trauma, pain, this sorrow: it's all understandable. You love Phoenix. Manther too. We all love our friends.

I'm praying for you, and Manther, Phoenix, and all your animal friends. I'm so sorry this has happened.

I don't know if they're still offering this, but the School of Veterinary Social Work at the University of Tennessee helped me. It wasn't everything, but it helped. Their schedule or services may change, though, depending on where their school is in the academic calendar (the ability to actually have people by the phones, and so on). It could be good just to talk to someone. They specialize in pet bereavement.

There are also similar services, over the phone, by Iams (the pet food people) and either the ASPCA or the Humane Society (or both). I'll see if I can find their webpages &/or numbers.

This forum has been a part of my healing as well, and I hope it is and will be for yours.


http://vetsocialwork.utk.edu/grief-and-bereavement/





CRS

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Posts: 71
 #42 
Morgan,

I had the beginnings of what I thought was a good reply coming together when the battery died. It's about 3 a.m. here now. So, ...

I also don't speak with others much about Patches' death. I told a co-worker, today, that I was still grieving, that I seem okay, but I'm really not. I only mentioned this to her, though, because she brought up that her mothers' dog had died, and that her mother is grieving. The topic was "grieving," so I mentioned my own. I don't talk about it at work, though, any longer & I think I generally try not to, even though this/her/Patches is on my mind.

I sigh a lot, and I still cry; fairly often. Basically, I've cried everyday, except for maybe 7 or 8 days, if collected together. I still find value in my tears too, but I have worried for my health. I'm ambivalent on whether I'll ask for an antidepressant in the coming months, or at all.

I also think how it is: my lifetime, now. I think about our time together, and I pray for an eternity with her, our friends, families, and loved ones. Reading through your description, it mirrors exactly.

One difference, though, is over my heart. About a month ago, the ache and constriction over/in/around my heart lifted. I had about a days' warning that this was happening (maybe, a half a day); I could feel it. I could feel it by its absence. I actually worried, at the time, that this might mean the end to my tears, since I think while feeling this bad, they help.

(I've also had the idea that they hurt, since I still feel woundedness in my heart. It's difficult to describe)

I remember, at the time immediately preceding this (by days, I think) a sensation in/around my head. Again, I was worried. I thought my grief was actually doing physical harm to me (possibly). It was around this time-frame, the tightness left.

Sometimes, I inhale deeply to see if it has returned. Sometimes, even now, I think it is returning: my chest begins to feel tight again. It doesn't stay, though: even if I have unhealthy thoughts, or even if I'm crying intensely.

So, there's that.

Sleep was getting better (much better) and then worse. I'm decent, sleep-wise, for where I've been in grief.

I think about her a lot. I pray for her and for us so very often - so very often.

I don't walk as much as I used to. It's not because of the weather, which is basically still warm. I would just dress for the weather if I needed to. Now, I mainly sleep or zone out on the internet.

I understand, though, what you're saying, thinking about your life and the time that has past over these months. I think the same thing.

I also think/question about the notion of getting past this, and wonder what that would be like. God heals.
TatiRivs

Registered:
Posts: 4
 #43 
Thanks you CRS. You words mean a lot. I will look into those resources and have bought a book too. Today was different from yesterday. More of a deep depression than the hysteria I was going through yesterday. I have stopped screaming and just cry but it's not the hysterical sobbing of yesterday. Only once in the shower. The rest of the time is just my eyes welling up and tears rolling down and the deep sadness rolling through me.  These forums help me a lot. I have spent most of the day here and will continue to visit till I don't feel the need to. 

Thank you for taking the time to respond.
CRS

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Posts: 71
 #44 
Tatiana,

You're welcome. This forum has been valuable to me too.

bulldogmitch

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Posts: 2
 #45 
Have you looked into grief hot lines? Most of the people who man the phones there are volunters who have been through the process themselves.
StephaniePaige2

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Posts: 3
 #46 
 My sweet dog, Billy, passed away this past September. No matter what other people say to make me feel better, I know Billy's death was my fault. I need to write about the truth as a way to maybe help myself and others. 

Last night I finished reading everyone's story in this thread.
Thank-You, Christopher, for keeping things going. Long after most people would have stopped posting you kept on when nobody was responding.

Thank-You to all the people who shared their pain, suffering, and guilt.

I'm not ready ( just yet ) to write about what happened to Billy and why it was my fault. But, I did want to show Christopher he was right about his posts helping someone else who might be reading and not replying.

 

StephaniePaige2

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Posts: 3
 #47 
Christopher, you mentioned having unusual sensations  in your heart and head. I believe in the mind and body connection. Grief is felt everywhere in us. Crying is so good. I'm glad you've been able to cry a lot. Tears are hard for me, but over my dog I've been having a good cry almost everyday. 
CRS

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Posts: 71
 #48 
StephaniePaige2,

I've been praying for you and Billy.



Christopher


CRS

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Posts: 71
 #49 
Bulldogmitch,

It was helpful to me to be able to speak with others about this, in person & on the phone.

Christopher
CRS

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Posts: 71
 #50 
StepaniePaige2,

I don't recall whether I already shared these links to this thread, but they have been a resource I've revisited. I hope you'll click around on all the links included on each page. Rhey cover a lot of different subjects, and many resources are offered.

http://www.petlosshelp.org/10commonquestions.html



http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml



Christopher


CRS

Registered:
Posts: 71
 #51 
Tomorrow makes six months since Patches' death.

I haven't decided whether to take antidepressants.

My heart hurts. I cry. I missed some crying, I think, because I've been sick. I think, somehow, the extra layer of cold or flu inhibited this. It seems to me, I cried some, but I could tell it was less. I had a good cry today, and yesterday, I think (it all kind of runs together).

I have some sleep disturbances & intrusive thoughts, but it has been worse. It seems like there are also times where I haven't had these experiences. Actually, a good clip, but I do have these.

I don't like the notion of living like this. Thoughts of self-harm have mostly abated, here lately. I'm hoping they don't return.

I'll stop here for now. There is tightness in my chest. Tomorrow is six months.

I love you, Patches. I hope I get to be with you again. I love you, Friend.

Christopher
CRS

Registered:
Posts: 71
 #52 
Well, here's another update:

Months ago, I don't recall when, I tried taking in a cat, who has been stray in our neighborhood. I first encountered this cat maybe a month or two before that. I named it Bee Gee, after the street I met her on (Briargreen). I thought of this encounter providentially, at the time, since I had also came into Patches and Buddy as gifts (by others, and I think, God, also). Actually, as I write this, I recall that my very first dog in life - Dogger - was a stray in a grocery store parking lot. Anyhow, I would sit and pet (and later, feed) Bee Gee while out during my walks over my grief.

I tried taking in Bee Gee about a month or two ago. It didn't work. I was so emotionally upset, I was just not well enough to have her here. I also wasn't set up to take her in. For one thing, importantly, she didn't have a litter box. I laid in bed, crying for Patches, and clutching, holding, and hugging her blanket (so Bee Gee would not touch it), and I didn't really sleep that night. I took her back to the apartment building where tenants have been supporting her, proving food and shelter for her outside.

I wanted to bring her in, though. I also, I think, had (and continue to have) this notion of repentance - for not taking care of Patches. I miss my friend. I love her very much.

I'm sharing this here so it may help someone else (whether this works or not - perhaps I won't be able to keep Bee Gee again, or perhaps some other thing will happen to keep this from fulfillment).

I think to myself, there is death. I've done a bad thing. Patches just needed to go to the hospital. I was also negligent of taking care of her in other ways before her death (not keeping her in medication or keeping up with grooming). I'm deeply remorseful for this. I pray a lot - I ask to be with her. I want and need some good deed to go with the contrition I feel. I'm going to try to make this part of this, but honestly, I don't know how it'll turn out. So far, tonight, it's going better than last time. I've read this sort of thing can go terribly wrong, for the guardian and animal, when someone takes on guardianship too soon after the death of their loved one. If I weren't doing this out of repentance, I might not be doing this now.

I don't know. I'm putting this out here so people can see how it goes for me. Perhaps, they'll apply it to themselves (or not), depending. The main idea is repentance, and I think a lot of people who feel guilty about this (the deaths of their friends, which is, in part, what this thread is about) might consider whether this is an approach to take.

More on this, likely, tomorrow or in the near future.

I never thought Patches would suffer or die the way she did. I never thought I would be the one to bring this about. I never thought that 6 months later, I would have a cat with me. I'm not sure how I feel about all this yet, or how it'll turn out.

I love my friend. I want to be with her. I hope this helps.

I also think that I'm looking at Bee Gee instrumentally (as a means to repent), then, in that case & I don't think that's a good way to view her. Cats can live 20 years. Where am I in 20 years with this? Is this really a commitment I want to take on?

I don't know. I'm too close to my own experience right now. I also have to be up early in the morning to go to work.

I want to be with Patches. I pray for her the most, even though I have had other animal friends. I think there are reasons for that. If Bee Gee stays with me this whole time, then I'll be praying for the same way.

I just want to be with my animal friends. I'm trying, I'm upset, and it's all a lot (but tonight is going well).

Even if Bee Gee doesn't ultimately stay with me, she's warm and fed tonight. I don't like putting her back out. I think about how it is for her. If I did, though, at least she's warm and fed tonight. Last time was the same way: I took her in on a cold night.

I think, if I'm not able to keep her, I'll at least help her to get adopted. The people at one of the units at the building she has been staying at/around said that if one of their roommates moved out, they might take her in.

Again, I need to sleep. It's a lot. We'll see how it goes.

Christopher
Bluebutterfly

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Posts: 5
 #53 
I hope you were able to get some some sleep Christopher. I haven't been able to sleep either, can't fall asleep, can't stay asleep, I wake up in a horrible panic everyday.

I wrote this yesterday:
It's been 4 months since Rapunzel died. I haven't let anyone near my hair with scissors in over 5 years, but I got my hair cut recently in her honor. I still miss her so much. It's gotten a little less painful, but it still hurts, I still think about everything I did wrong, all the things I should have done, all the things I shouldn't have. I miss her so much, I miss her sweet face, I miss feeding her, I miss her coming up and snuggling beside my pillow. I still wake up sometimes and absolute panic, just thinking about her, about what happened. I feel like since she died I keep hearing her name, they keep advertising Disney on Ice, talking about Rapunzel. A girl in one of my classes wrote a piece recently where her main character was named Rapunza (of course referencing the Rapunzel story). It was all I could do not to burst into tears as it was being read out loud. She was so sweet and innocent, I wish I could hold her in my arms right now, pet her and watch her make that sweet happy face, she loved to be pet.

I lost another girl, Aurora (Rapunzel's older sister). I found her dead November 1st. I tried to do CPR but she was gone, and (I'm sorry for the graphic description, you might not want to read this next line) I could smell and taste death when I tried to breathe into her. There was nothing wrong with her, she was perfectly healthy and happy, I have no idea why she died. It was horrible to find her like that. I miss her so much too. I feel different about that though, I don't know if it's because something broke inside of me after Rapunzel died, because (and I feel awful admitting this) Rapunzel was more affectionate and I probably spent more time with her, or because I knew Rapunzel was sick before she died and I truly believe I could have prevented her death, whereas with Aurora I don't think I could have. I have no idea what happened to Aurora. They're buried beside each other.

A week later, a rescue I have named Sugar, the oldest one I have, she seemed to have a problem pooping, she was struggling, and just after she pooped she passed away. I flipped out, I started yelling "no you cannot die, I love you, please stay", and I did CPR on her. After the fourth or fifth bout of chest compressions and breathing into her, she started breathing again. She's perfectly fine now, back to her normal self. It was crazy, I don't tell people about this because I'm worried they'll think I'm not saying they won't believe me. But she was dead at 8, and she was alive and climbing up me at 9. I don't know what I would have done if she hadn't come back.

In spite of being able to resuscitate Sugar, I've been in really bad shape. I became suicidal, I had to go stay somewhere for a few days a week ago. Between the lack of sleep, all the bad thoughts, and the stress I've been under, I've been cracking mentally. It's been building for a while now, it started after Rapunzel died. It's been 4 months to the day, and I still don't know how to get over it. I've been trying so hard to be a better person, to be so much more vigilant with my other animals, and in spite of that I still lost another one. One of the thoughts that keeps just coming back is why. I wish so badly I could go back in time and do it over. I can't fix it. I hate myself. I miss Rapunzel, I miss Aurora. I desperately want to see and play with them again. This is so painful. The pain and guilt are too overwhelming.
Bluebutterfly

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Posts: 5
 #54 
I went to the hospital Thursday morning to try and get help. It took almost 12 hours to get seen by a psychiatrist, when I finally was seeing they told me there was no room in the inpatient unit, they had already given me meds, so they told me to sleep in the ER. I did not sleep. Ended up getting back late on Friday, On Saturday I found sugar dead. I gave my keys to my ex who was supposed to take care of them while I was gone. I am beyond shattered.
CRS

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Posts: 71
 #55 
I just read your post about Sugar's death. I'm sorry.

It's hard to know what to write. I think it's important to respond, though.

I see it has been three days. I'm very sorry for your grief and suffering.

Years ago, I suffered terribly, following a bad break up of a bad relationship. It's what I wanted (the relationship) at the time, however, and I took its end badly. There came a certain point where I was healed from that. Patches and Buddy helped me through. It's hard for me to see what brings me through now. I say this because I don't have enough perspective to know how this suffering works out.

I think the sleep deprivation is driving some of the feelings and ideations you've been experiencing. It has with me. I also struggled with suicidal thoughts (following Patches' death). It was still a struggle afterward, but getting back to getting enough sleep helped. I hope this is happening there.

Christopher
Dust

Registered:
Posts: 2
 #56 
Hi,

Much like most others here I too am grieving but I'm not coping at all. Still, I thought I'd leave a link here that might make some of you guys feel a bit more at peace by urging you to 'rehearse your apology
and provide offerings (some good deeds in their names like helping their kinds or animal shelters)' for your loved ones instead of simply thinking that you messed it all up (if you believe in any form of afterlife) and to share my regrets too, hoping to bring some attention to what were the main 'wrong turns' in what separated me from the love of my life.

I started this topic because I needed to talk to some people who were actually helpful and understanding and because I'm desperately trying to convince myself that I'll be with her again (I wouldn't mind hearing your opinions on this subject either if you were interested):
http://forums.grieving.com/index.php?/topic/12336-what-do-you-think-happens-to-our-loved-ones-when-they-physically-leave-us-and-will-we-be-with-them-again/

Now, I told my story in that link so I'll make it short here. To draw the image as fast as possible, I was/am abused by my own family all my childhood and teen years and basically even as an adult now, I'd describe my life as dark. Yet from in between all the darkness one ray of light made her way towards me someday that I'm certain was a total miracle when I was about 12 and that was her. At that age I was denied the chance to be her guardian and my family took her to a monster as her vet who was strangely cruel to animals but after a while I was old enough to change her vet immediately to one who was told to be among the best. 1__ There goes my first guilt that being unexperienced and stupid I didn't do a thorough research to understand that he was one of the best SURGEONS not physicians! He continued her vaccines after she was 10 which is a big no-no and when after I begged him to take a blood test for her FOR THE FIRST TIME about six months prior to our problem he saw that the levels of Urea and Creatinine were higher than normal, YET he said NOTHING of kidneys!!! He only said she needs to drink more water to lower her Urea and omit any treats beside her dry food and prescribed Mebendazole for her regular anti-worm medicine (Basically, please check regularly and research to pick the absolute best vet and veterinary team available for your loved one). 2__ There goes my second regret. I read that cats' kidneys are sensitive but to be honest I was so focused on some bone problems she had and to prevent cancer at all costs that I never paid the attention I should've to kidney problems! And academically it's not proven but users have noted that they experienced kidney disease attacks after using this drug while suffering from renal problems. Result? I gave her her standard dosage that surgeon has prescribed and after the three days I was at the emergency hospitalizing her (Basically, please never think what the vets say is 100% reliable and do your own research as well on any medication or food or anything you're giving to your loved one)! She never came home ... 3__ My third biggest regret was that when she was leaving I wasn't there! I was there two hours prior, I pet her, I felt like getting a stroke but the unsympathetic vets and my mom forced me to leave her! I wanted to be there and pet her neck and face and head and console her after 10 days of hospitalization that at least we'd be in each other's embrace to reduce her fear of unfamiliar and cruel faces of the vets and the new environment and I blame myself really hard for this! We were separated when I was dragged home, weeping under blankets while swallowing sedatives and being in a daze when she was there in her box, probably angry and afraid and feeling like I've cheated her by not being there when she needed my worthless being the most! I should've made a fuss, I should've screamed if necessary but stayed with her till the very end (Basically, no matter the situation, please remember that your friendship with your loved one is private, sacred and delicate, so ignore the gazes of the vets and pet parents in the waiting room or any "you have to leave her/him to us now" and STAY BY HER/HIM and comfort them anytime YOU feel like they need you by their side until the very end and don't give up easily when the medical team brings up the "putting down" subject, there might still be hope of miracles since no one can be surely certain of anything when it comes to the living body and that medical team might simply not have enough knowledge to 'see' the possible ways to fix the problem).
If we'd meet someday and she forgives me somehow I'll never forgive my useless good for nothing *** for this.

And this is my routine now since she's left me: wake up, bury your head under covers and wish you were dead, get up and cry and grieve, go feed the homeless cats on the streets, have some water and some sedatives, nap on your chair due to sedatives, wake up and be obliged to act like nothing's wrong with you (and fail) to save yourself from getting scolded or cursed at by those 'nearby', search online for ways to prove spirits exists and how to come in contact with them! or plan your suicide, drink some water and calcium pills (to be able to walk the next day), cry yourself to sleep and wish you won't wake up.

And yeah, I do very much wished I could bring another homeless cat to live together but: 1. I still think of my house and myself as her property and territory, 2. I'm afraid of making 'mistakes' like that and feel afraid of myself when I imagine myself being a 'guardian' to another cat, 3. I can barely keep myself on my feet now let alone taking care of someone else, 4. Honestly, I'm not the type to abandon my loved ones half-way so by not bringing any cat life partners, I'm leaving the way open for myself in case I did eventually take my life.

Anyways, I hope what I said here helps some people here and maybe even save their future pet's life by letting them know aside from letting them out you need to be super careful about what they get into their system and please oh please try to minimize getting synthetic substances into them as much as possible.

Thank you for reading.

 

SabrinaRN

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Posts: 2
 #57 
I am numb and sick right now.

My baby was a little white Bichon named Daisy. My mom got her when she had lung cancer. She became mine when my mother died. She was 10 years old. She filled me everywhere I went. She was so precious. Always happy.

When I got home from work yesterday evening, she and my other dog Lacy came out. We had to move our cars around in the driveway bc my son was leaving. Daisy never gets around the cars. I didn’t think about it, as this is fairly routine. But, needless to say, say backed over her. She died within 2 minutes, while I was speeding to the vet.

I feel so sick and monstrous. My heart is so broken. I absolutely do not know if I will ever get this out of my head. I don’t know what to do or how to hold on to any sanity I have. I am absolutely aching.

SabrinaRN

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Posts: 2
 #58 
I am struggling over the loss of my baby girl Daisy. I accidentally backed over her. I am a wreck. I don’t know how to handle this. Dear God will this pain ever go away? I don’t know how to live with myself!
CRS

Registered:
Posts: 71
 #59 
SabrinaRN,

I'm so sorry.

We all love our animal friends so much, and I know you love Daisy.

I hope you'll keep coming back to this forum (and this thread) for as long as it is helpful to you.

You love Daisy, and her death doesn't stop that.

If Daisy would have survived her injuries, her love for you would not have changed, and your relationship would be the same - unchanged.

She would have gone home with you a happy pup - I don't think she would have rejected you.

Your friendship with Daisy would go on as before, develop, and blossom.

Even though she died, I think it's the same.

If Daisy lives, or will live again, she doesn't reject you, and she is your friend, and loves you - because if she had not died, then we could say those things are so. It's the same, even though she died. She would have gone home with you - happily - and I hope she will again.




Christopher





CRS

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Posts: 71
 #60 
I'm praying for you and Dust: for Daisy and Dust's feline friend.

I'm sorry.


Christopher


Dust

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Posts: 2
 #61 
CRS,

Thank you Christopher! I appreciate your kindness.

I'm sure Patches and all other animal friends of yours are in the absolute best place possible, right by angels' side (if they exist) along with all other animals.

I'm also very sorry for your loss and am happy to see you're taking steps to handle the situation better than before.
CRS

Registered:
Posts: 71
 #62 
I've thought of returning to this forum a number of times. I do it today, because today is the 1 year anniversary of Patches getting sick from the chocolate (poison) she ate. She would die 4 days later.

I have crying spells, and anxiety. In all honesty, though, the anxiety was with me before Patches even came to live with me. I feel depression in my heart.

I'm better now than I was, a year go. I used to also worry over the notion of "being like this," or "living like this" (with depression and some of the other effects, after her death).

I used to also think, "but she suffered and died."

I suppose I still do, now that I'm writing this.

I have healed a lot, though. Maybe, I will heal all the way, as I was before (at least, emotionally).

In another way, I don't want to be "as before.". I try to live a better life, through the Church.

I miss my friend, of course. I pray for her a lot. I don't know how it'll be for me, over the course of these many days. Four days was a long time to suffer.

Later, I'll probably post pictures and video to my Facebook page. It is one of the ways I've mourned. I think it has turned off a number of my friends, but it's what I need, or have needed.

I have to head out the door and get to work. Posting to this thread will probably cause it to reappear towards the top of the feed. I hope it helps others who grieve and mourn under these circumstances.

Christopher

CRS

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Posts: 71
 #63 
Today would have been the day I went to work and told my supervisor about Patches eating the chocolate. I was telling him how tough she was, because initially, she did seem to shake it off some. That first night, she ate chicken and drank a lot of water. She did act drunk (from the chocolate intoxication), but I had some thought that she was going to pull through.

I also had some thought that she might not. I made a decision not to take her to the hospital when I saw that I couldn't afford it anyway. That was the wrong decision. I mean, there was a certain point where I could have taken her. I remember this, too, on its first day. There was this time, right at closing (the clinic), where if I would have just decided to take her, there was a good chance (I see now) she could have made it. I was thinking they'd be closed anyway, and in any case, I couldn't afford treatment. Her behavior, initially, seemed to be that she would be okay (or might be). When the vomiting started, I thought it might be a good sign that she was getting the bad out. I remember I was trying to stay calm, to reassure her.

I had some thought of taking her in the 2nd day. We woke, and I remember she hadn't cleared (her symptoms). That she slept, I thought, was a good thing. I was expecting (or hoping) that she might have some effects, but that there would be evidence (in her behavior) that was clear or clearing. I remember when she was trying to cover her diarrhea spot on the pee pad by flipping the pad over. I think she thought she was in trouble. (crying). I was cleaning up everything and telling her it was okay.

I read information on line that gave me some reason to think she was going to clear this all on her own. Over the course of those days, the pages I found kept putting the time she needed to clear further out. I should have taken her in. I was scared because I had let go of her grooming and she had missed a vet visit. I didn't have the money.

I think about these things. Well, I'm thinking about them again, now, because of this anniversary. I think, for months, I kept going back over this and over this (and more things, from what happened over those four days). Maybe, it's because of Bee Gee coming to live with me (the cat), but at least rehearsing this part of it over and over stopped. That's not that there haven't been many times with tears. I'm still grateful for it, when it happens.

I think by late in the evening of the 2nd night. I knew (more) that we were in trouble. I say "we." She was the one dying. I still held out hope, though. There were pages I read that made it seem she would clear. Somewhere in this I also had the thought that if she hadn't died already, she probably wasn't going to. She was going to be sick, but that this would all pass - she would be okay.

It seems to me, this was also the day that I took up the water and her food. I've regretted this decision so much too. There are times I've thought, maybe if I had just not of done that, she might have lived. The simple thing to do was just to go to the doctor. She might have made it on the 1st day. She might have even made it on the 2nd day. Anytime sooner than when I actually got her there would have been better. I kept thinking she would turn around, especially when she slept. I should have kept the food and water down. I took it up because I read her digestive system needed rest, and she could develop pancreatitis otherwise. (crying)

I mias my friend, and I love her, and I got her killed.

Last night, I slept with her blanket and her collar again. I was able to find nail clippings of hers and some fur, from her last bath. In this, I have more than many, and I'm grateful for it.

I wish that I had kept the food and water down. I wish that she hadn't of died. She was tough. People tell me that I don't know that she would have lived, for a fact, even if I had of gotten her to the doctor, or that she was elderly, with health conditions (congestive heart failure), etc. I have thought that she would have lived, at least, this extra year. She was still strong. I mean, look: she had all that poison in her, and she still lasted 4 days! She could still go for short walks (maybe, 20 minutes or a half an hour), and she still had her appetite and personality. She would still challenge other dogs and the neighbor downstairs.

I was negligent. It was my fault, and she suffered.

I've prayed a lot. It's all I can do, now. i tell her I love her. I ask her and God for forgiveness. I ask her to be my friend. I think about how she did try to stay with me, when I did get her to the vet. There was nothing in her behavior, even until, that leads me to believe she gave up on me, or our love. She wanted to stay with me (when I was handing her over, for treatment, at the vet's, on that 4th day). I have to tell myself that, sometimes, and remember that too. (crying)

I want to be with my friend. I want us to be together, but God understands everything, and this is what's right, now.

Lord, have mercy.

Christopher

CRS

Registered:
Posts: 71
 #64 
The 6th would have been her 2nd or 3rd day, depending on how you reckon it, of her poisoning. I had the day off that day. She hadn't recovered. I was reading pages on line about chocolate poisoning in dogs. Many of these pages, I was reading over and over. The information I was getting kept seeming to put her clearing time further and further out.

Later that night on the 6th, I went out with my brother for my birthday. He took me to a Vietnamese restaurant. I was troubled when he came to pick me up. I told him Patches was sick, but I didn't tell him with what, or what the story was. He never saw her. I tried to enjoy the evening. I rarely see any of my family. I couldn't fully, though, for the understandable reason that I knew my Patches was hurting and sick at home. Not knowing what to do, on top of everything else that had happened, that I had either thought or read, I bought some pumpkin at the pet store. Actually, my brother bought it for me, because I was, basically, broke. I had this notion that perhaps if she ate the pumpkin, it would clear out any residual chocolate that might still be in her digestive system. I thought of hangovers from alcohol intoxication that sometimes don't begin to clear until a person defecates.

I hadn't asked my family for help, financially, to get Parches to the vet because I had experienced homelessness in the prior year, living in a shelter, for about 7 months. I had bitterness and anger against them for not helping me because of this. There are so many sides to this that I don't want to unpack, but only because it would cause this entry to really go askew. Basically, whether it was helping me or helping Patches, I thought they could have done more, Even if they weren't going to help me, just if they would have helped Patches more, then, I think I wouldn't of been bitter, or held this against them. It effected my thinking, and instead of asking them for help. the very notion of asking them for help never even crossed my mind. Likewise, with my mother.

I think by this time, too, I had this notion that if I were to take Patches to the vet, they were just going to euthanize her, and I thought she might pull through.

So, basically, because of my pride, resentment. anger, ignorance, and cowardice, my friend, Patches, suffered tremendously and died. Chocolate, then, wasn't what killed her.

I didn't even give her the pumpkin on the first night. I don't even recall why, right now.

It might of been that I remembered she wasn't supposed to have food or water (so I thought), or that the food required water, so she had to wait. There might have been something I read that gave me a timeline I was following.

Later that night (I think it was that night) we went outside together. She was able to walk some. She pottied. I was so glad. She may have done it because it was her spot (one of the places where she went to relieve herself). She stumbled and fell backwards, squatting into it. She had already been needing a bath; I knew, now, she was going to get one. I had this notion this could be her last bath before dying.

We went back upstairs. I felt bad, because on top of everything else, she was now going to bathe in water, without having had a drink for a couple of days. She didn't drink from it, though. I don't think I would have stopped her, if she had tried, even though I thought (then) that I was supposed to be keeping water from her.

Really, in the tub, during the bath, you wouldn't of known that anything was wrong. For much of it, anyway. One thing about it is we had learned how to bathe (it's a team effort). I had learned how to keep the soap out of her eyes, and that sort of thing. I got in the water with her. Again, I think I had this notion that this could be it. At the end of the bath, I held her like a baby in my arms, with her head over my shoulder. There was one noticeable difference: she was so tired and weak. I held her for a while before releasing, to drain the water.

As the water drained, I thought how it was like her life draining. I didn't want it drain because of this, but I also have OCD and sometimes I make these kinds of associations that I have to disregard. I just didn't want it to drain, and I didn't want her to die.

I dried her off. I brushed her. Her coat was beautiful. I remember, too, thinking about how wrong I had it all along with grooming, that sometimes I was tired and saw that as a chore, but that actually it was bonding for us. I wish I had more of those times, and I knew it then, as well. (crying)

I caused her so much suffering and her death, and I never thought it would have been me!

You know, I can remember a year prior to that being angry with one of the vets for suggesting euthanasia. I mean, I was angry with her. I controlled it, however. I thought, my friend is sick - that doesn't mean kill her! I think I was right: Patches had another good year. I just remember, at the time, when the vet asked, how long are you going to let this go on (because of the congestive heart failure)? Patches lived another good year. She might have had another good year, still, if I had responded differently to the chocolate poisoning. I think I just let work get to me, and I was broke, and I was negligent, and I was absorbed in all my own personal mess, which clouded my thinking. I got her killed. (crying)

I knew, anyway, then, that the grooming was bonding opportunity all along, and that even when exhausted, I had the wrong mindset not to recognize that. I wish I had her here. (crying)

I love you, Patches.

Lord, have mercy.


CRS

Registered:
Posts: 71
 #65 
I decided against making entries for recounting the 7th and 8th of June, last year. I thought of it as being something bad for me, and for others.

To update: it has been weird, these number of days, since the anniversary of her death - Patches.

I have cried a couple of times that I recall, when seeing things on line that concerned the deaths of our animal friends (in particularly, dogs).

It has been a year. I'm in a much better place, emotionally, than where I've been.

Having Bee Gee here with me helps.

I find that I can give her kisses and pet and play with her some, but I still haven't told her I love her.

I do the best I can for her.

I'm reminded of Patches, though, and it's obvious to me that I'm holding back.

I think Bee Gee still has a good life with me here, and I want to make it even better and do more.

She's very loving and affectionate.

I miss my friend, though.

Lord, have mercy.

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