Petloss.com Logo. Puff and Midget under the rainbow

ALL the Pet Loss Message Boards are moderated to make this an ABSOLUTELY SAFE place for you to find support.
You must REGISTER before you can post or reply.
Posts and replies cannot be viewed until after they have been checked for content & released by the Board Moderators. - EdW
Pet Loss Grief Support Message Board
Sign up  |   |   |  Latest Topics
 
 
 


Reply
  Author   Comment  
Dbroomfield

Registered:
Posts: 4
 #1 
I am having severe guilt about putting my 17 year old baby girl asleep. She had hard time walking, looked confused and wandered aimlessly around the house for months I thought it was because of her blindness. Up till about a week before she died( two weeks ago today) she had a great appetite, when she would wake up in middle of night and went potty she would go straight to her bowl, and she ate really good, she still knew where her food bowl was. She was blind and deaf, but I didn’t think it was time for her to go cause she still ate really good. But then she would barely eat, would walk up to her bowl, sniff and walk away. I kept telling myself, she having a bad day. And as long as she eats and drinks water she dont have to be put down. Then she went downhill fast, she stopped eating and started puking puddles of water, and had diarrhea, it was everywhere, and she didn’t even realize she was doing it, she was walking in in it. I knew I had to call bet right away. Vet said bring her in. We had to put baby to sleep, vet said no matter how much money I spend it won’t bring baby back to the dog she was. I held her till she took her last breath. This is where the guilt haunts me, I can’t let go of the guilt I might have waited to long to let her go, I feel like a selfish worthless person for holding on so long. I thought as long as she ate I could have her with me. She never once whined or do anything to indicate she was ever sick or in any pain or any kind of suffering, she just wandered the house, never, even up till she died, she never indicated she was suffering. I hate myself, I cry and cry, it was two weeks ago today, and I still cry and cry for hours sometimes, I keep seeing her little face as she took her last breath, I pray God please help this guilt pass, I can’t bare this guilt, i love her so much, and I was so selfish I keep her to long. I found out she had old dog memory loss, she was existing, not living. I don’t know what to do, I can’t stop feeling this way. I have a prescription to take when the guilt and grief over takes me, but nothing takes the guilt away. Is there anyone who has felt this way. I really hate myself for holding on to long, that why I came on here hoping someone else has had guilt and grief like this. At times I walk around the house thinking of little things she did,
babydaisy

Registered:
Posts: 38
 #2 
Dbroomfield.

I am so very sorry for your loss and really feel your pain, but please for one minute do not feel selfish about anything you did or didn't do because from what you have said, you did what you thought was right for your baby and you loved your baby very deeply..

Guilt is such a huge part of grief so it is normal for this emotion to pop up & other emotions which are a normal part of grief will too, just remember that you have nothing to feel guilty about. Because our pets can't tell us anything it is very difficult for us to know whether or not they are in pain, & whenever we decide we have to make that decision of putting them to sleep grief seems to make most feel guilty about whether it was either too soon or too late..

I had to put my 15 year old sweetheart to sleep last month and it is tearing me apart!I know exactly where you are coming from because I kept remembering my baby's sweet face as she took her last breath and it tortures me.

Just take things at your own pace and be gentle and kind to yourself and keep posting on here for support. Everyone on here understands..

Sending comfort and a hug

babydaisy

LVDA

Registered:
Posts: 4
 #3 
It is so very sad to read these posts about people feeling guilty about putting their pets to sleep. I wish I could say I have no guilt, but sadly, that is not the case.

Sunday evening, we put our 14 1/2 year old Bichon, Joey, down and I am feeling tremendous guilt because I was not ready to let him go and I felt he had a bit more time with us--but mostly me because our children are grown and have their own lives, but I was the one to care for him and take him on our nightly walk to the park to meet up with our dog friends.

Joey was diagnosed with CKF a few months ago. He had been drinking excessive amounts of water and urinating in the house. He also had back discomfort, but the vet felt it was due to an injury. Blood work was fairly normal, but liver enzymes had been slightly elevated for some time. I was told this was nothing to worry about. He was still eating and behaving just fine. Had lots of energy and playing with park friends. Then came the CFK diagnosis in June. By July he had stopped eating so I took him to a specialty animal hospital where his BUN and creatinine were very high. He was stage 3. He was admitted to the hospital and put on IV fluids and medication for pain, etc. When he was discharged we were told he would need subcutaneous fluids daily. 150 cc. A month later when I took him for a recheck, his kidney levels were even higher and he was now a stage 4. I was told he would need 300cc of fluids now which he got. Daily. Over the course of several weeks, he became thinner and more lethargic. He was now riding most of the time in his stroller when we went to the park or walked. He had also begun walking with a wobbly gait and at times couldn't walk straight.
Saturday evening, he began to tremble while inhaling. Around 4am Sunday he got up and was whimpering because he wanted to get off the bench at the foot of our bed for some water. He was helped down, drank a lot of water, and then he had to go outside. While walking in the backyard he was very unsteady on his feet and when my husband brought him back inside, we gave him Gabapentin for pain since we though that is why he was trembling.

Now for the guilt part. He hadn't eaten much for a couple of days even with Entyce and Prilosec. He would sniff his bowl and walk away. We tried everything to get him to eat. He hated his kidney diet so we tried mixing it with a powder that would keep him from absorbing too much phosphorous. He would eat a bit, but then walk away. On Sunday when my entire family was here, my son and husband were saying that Joey should be put down. He was suffering. Possibly, I was in denial. To me he just seemed to be sleeping a lot and was very lethargic, even though he still enjoyed his stroller rides. And that is what kills me. He did have that enjoyment in his life. My son felt that since the entire family was together, we should call the place our vet had told us about and have them come to the house and put Joey down. My son called, but they were not available so he researched different places and found an emergency mobil vet who would come to the house. I still wasn't sure this was the right thing to do. I was very conflicted. I knew he wasn't well, but I kept thinking of his stroller rides and how he seemed to enjoy them. Anyway, Joey was sleeping on our sofa when the vet arrived. He explained everything he was going to do. When he started to give Joey the sedative--in his back--Joey flinched and screamed in pain. Then he was calm, snuggled next to my husband with all of us around petting him. The final drug was given IV and he was gone. I have been a mess ever since. My kids have been saying we absolutely did the right thing and that I wouldn't have been able to make the decision on my own. That may be true. I don't know. I was the only one who had doubts and now I feel so, so guilty thinking we should have held off. It is especially difficult when one friend said to me how good Joey looked when he last saw him on Friday. Then I really started doubting myself. I find it extremely difficult to go on walks or anywhere in our area because everything is filled with memories. I have been crying most of the day and part of the night and have not been able to eat much.

Thank you all for listening.
Dbroomfield

Registered:
Posts: 4
 #4 
I feel your pain. Two weeks ago today I had to let my baby girl cross the rainbow bridge, the guilt has been so overwhelming, everyone on here are going through the same pain. I have no one to talk to, friends tells me time to move on, even my kids tell me I am my own worst enemy because I keep holding on.
I see her little face everywhere. I thank God for this forum and for everyone helping and understanding. You have so many people on here who know exactly how you feel and are here to help you and help you through these difficult days. I pray everyday that God will take this guilt from me. Together we can all get through these difficult days. God bless you, I will remember you in my prayers🙏
LVDA

Registered:
Posts: 4
 #5 
Thank you for your reply. What happened with your baby? So sad when people tell you to "move on". I am fortunate to have friends with dogs who understand, but my husband keeps telling me to stop thinking about it--as if!!! My sons are good and very supportive. My daughter will listen for a time, but then doesn't want to discuss it any more. It is so hard and I am happy I found this message board for support. I never thought people would feel guilt putting their dog down when the time came. Little did I know
LVDA

Registered:
Posts: 4
 #6 
I just read your story and it is heartbreaking. I guess there will always be guilt no matter what you do. You feel you waited too long and I feel I didn't wait long enough. I wish we could just "know" when the perfect time was to let our babies go. I am thinking of you and I feel you did just fine by your baby girl. She was eating and seemed fine up until the end.

Hugs to you
babydaisy

Registered:
Posts: 38
 #7 
LVDA.

I am so sorry for your loss.

No matter what we do for our pets we will always find fault with ourselves & it is very common to think, was it too soon or too late...Your dog had so much love and from what you described a lovely life..

I also lost my furbaby to kf! She had arthritis too & her eyesight was poor.
She was diagnosed with kf last year in August and her bloods were sky high. She was then put on a prescription diet, hills k/d and fortunately and surprisingly enjoyed it. She was also given the powder 'Ipakatine' which sounds like what your baby might have been taking? It's a white powder ( I think a phosphorus binder ). In addition to that she was also on steroids for the arthritis which would have no doubt helped with the appetite as she was eating v well! Within a month after the diet her bloods went bk to normal & she was much perkier and loved eating however, a year later her blood level & phosphate level increased again & although the vet said they weren't "dangerously high" she had caught an infection..All in all, her quality of life was not good. My baby also was unstable when she walked, do you know what causes this??? She was never given fluids and I do not know why. She was switched from steroids to gabapentin at one stage but there didn't seem to be any difference or improvement so was put bk on the steroids. She was stable for a year but deteriorated towards the end loosing her appetite & loosing weight, no tail wags, could not walk for v long & was lethargic, weak & didn't seem happy.

I lived alone with her and miss her so so much it hurts like nothing else..

I hope you find people to comfort you who understand. Everyone on her does and will support you.

Sending you comfort and support

babydaisy
JimMillerPetLover

Registered:
Posts: 25
 #8 
Dbroomfield:

  Sorry to hear about your recent loss. Everyone in this Forum is going through the exact same thing. We all understand. I read your story and wanted to let you know that you didn't do anything wrong. When things spiral out of control quickly with their health, it can be very distressing, The truth of the matter is that even the Vets don't always know what's going on in a lot of cases. A lot of times, the answers are not always so obvious. You did the absolute best you could. I'm glad that you joined this Forum. Keep posting and sharing your feelings. It can help. Just go slow. You are not alone. 

Jim

  
LVDA

Registered:
Posts: 4
 #9 
Babydaisy:

Thank you for you kind words. I am so, so sorry to hear about the death of your baby. It sounds as though you did all you could do--as all of us have. Still, it doesn't seem to be enough. At least in my case. There are just so many "what ifs" and I cannot get those thoughts out of my mind. What if I hadn't agreed to the euthanasia even if my entire family was here. What if he had started to eat a bit more and didn't have anymore trembling. What if I could have taken him to the park a few more times. Saturday he seemed Ok--for him.

In answer to your question--I think the wobbly gait was due to toxins building up in the body which the kidneys were no longer able to eliminate. Also, weakness due to anemia since the kidneys produce a hormone critical to RBC development. That's the other thing. Our vet said we could put Joey on an artificial hormone which would stimulate his kidneys to produce the hormone along with an iron injection. The hormone injection would take several weeks to kick in and would not help with his CKF so we decided against it. But, once again, what if we had given him that, he was perkier, would eat, and then would have lived longer. There are other "what ifs", but you get the idea. 

I know everyone here is struggling with this and it is easy for me to say that everyone did the right thing for their pet, but I do think that when you are so close to the situation it's difficult to look at things objectively. It's good to hear other people's perspective.


Previous Topic | Next Topic
Print
Reply

Quick Navigation:

Easily create a Forum Website with Website Toolbox.

If you can, please help support this Message Board with a donation: