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emeraldchris

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Posts: 2
 #1 
Hi everyone,

I'm new here but found your forum last night and very helpful, so I joined.
I'm struggling with guilt and grief. But in particular guilt since yesterday. Maybe some of you could share your opinion and help me.
My beloved Paris, a 7year old most beautiful toy poodle, has passed away due to a car accident on Saturday.

Warning!!! Dont read on if you cant read about injuries please!

She was still conscious when we brought her to the vet straight afterwards but had to be put on oxygen, warm fluids and morphine immediately.
They diagnosed that she had no feeling in her hindlegs, no bladder could be found on the scan, a broken rib, her little diaphragm was broken and all her intestines were in her chest due to that. Her heart rate was sky high and blood pressure low.
The vet asked us what we would like to do and made us aware of the fact that she would probably not be stable enough for an operation anyway but if she Would, then the success rate if that particular one would be only 20%. She told us it would be a miracle if she'd make it through it.
We found that decision very difficult and I called her back in to ask her what she would do if I'd 've her dog and she said she would let her go as hard as it will be.
I think I've made a massive mistake last night by googling survival chance of diaphragm reconstruction/operations etc. It states that they can make it through that operation.
Now I feel like guilt is eaten me up from the inside, thinking we could and should have tried.
We did let little Paris go. We believed letting her go to the rainbow bridge would be the right decision as her injuries were really bad. We were told she would never have the same quality of life and would more than likely never be able to run or walk with her hind legs.
Paris was the most lively dog ever. Being in constant pain for the rest of her life and not being able to explain to her why her legs don't move didn't seem like an option to us for someone like her who'd always run everywhere she went. She was jumping like a kangaroo whenever she greeted us or got excited. She would have never been able to hop up on the bed or couch to snuggle with us, which is what she loved doing.
We are all beyond heartbroken that she's not with us anymore. I wriute to her every day, sit by her grave, sleep with her collar around my wrist if I can get some sleep and can't stop thinking every minute of the day about her. I've never felt a pain like it. I thought I knew what grief was but I was wrong. Now I do know. I'd do anything to have her back with me.

Has anyone ever experienced anything similar or can provide me with genuine opinions?
I'd really appreciate it.
Chris
cosesmom

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Posts: 580
 #2 
Dear Chris,
After reading your post I truly feel you did the right thing. I know how very hard it was for you to let Paris go. You did the kindest things we Fur parents do when we know deep in our souls that the quality of life will suffer. Yes you will feel guilty and you will have the what if's and maybe I should have's but this is normal. You googled her chances and found that maybe there could have been a different outcome but goggle wasn't there at the vets with you. I did the same thing as you did only my Termy suffered from old age. I tortured myself for a very long time, thinking of the what if's and the maybe I should have's. If she would have had the surgery and made it home but could never walk again, your heart would break all over again and in pain. You put her quality of life ahead of your own feelings. Because of this you are Paris' hero. Please try not to second guess your decision, in your heart you did the best for her. I know right now it's going to be hard to remember all the memories you shared with but in time they will come to light. Take time and grieve and cry. Your hurting and need to work through losing her. I know the pain and heart ache you are feeling and I wish there were words to help you sadly there aren't any except to say how very sorry I am.
Love and doggie hugs
Termy's mom
emeraldchris

Registered:
Posts: 2
 #3 
Hi Termys mom,

Thank you very much for your beautiful message. It helps!
I've phoned our own vet and the vet that let Paris go and we had a very long chat.
She sent me her file with all the injuries listed and I passed this on to my own vet to review. They both ensured me that it was 100% the right decision. They also explained to me that the operation is mostly successful when there was no trauma or blunt force involved. In Paris' case both were unfortunately involved. On top of all her other injuries, internal and external. It has really helped to receive that advice from the vets and also to speak to them. Tell me how I feel. They've reassured me that all those questions i have are part of the grieving process. Sometimes I think I'm not normal the way I grieve so intensely for her. I can highly recommend to anyone to seek support from your vet if you're guilt ridden or full of doubt or both.
Ive also started to write to Paris the day she passed. At first it was a letter, no it's a journal. I speak to her at the grave aswell. It helps! Maybe not for everyone but for me it does. We are also going to create an album to remember her. Photos, stories etc will be included. She was the most special dog I've ever met! Thank you again Termys mom for your support. Maybe some of what I mentioned might help you aswell. My heart aches for you. But I'm sure our two babies are chasing each other on the rainbow bridge.
Love,
Paris Mammy x
cosesmom

Registered:
Posts: 580
 #4 
Thank you so much for your support and kind words. I've wanted to write a journal but never started one. I write here on Pet loss to Termy "Still grieving, still loving you" so it's kind of a journal. you can also see hi
s pictures. You visit Paris' grave to talk to her, I visit Termy every night and talk to him under the stars. I've done this since September 18, 2017. So we do what makes us feel better only differently. I have found peace since I let go of the deep and paralyzing grief. I still have sadness in my heart and always will. That will never go away. My vet did tell me that I would be the only one who would know when it was time. In my head I know he was ready to go but oh, boy my heart wasn't ready. His heart and mind was still wanting to live but his old and tired body was done. I thought of his quality of life and couldn't let him suffer. I let him go.Then my suffering started.

They are like our children. We love and were loved back. Please take care of yourself and continue to do what helps your broken heart.
Peace
Love and doggie hugs
Termy's mom
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