Registered: 1193533588 Posts: 991
My heart is heavy this Memorial Day weekend. Moll is always on my mind but it's especially heavy now.
As I've posted my picture of her, I think back to the discovery of her oral malignant melanoma. And I felt guilty that I wasn't inspecting her mouth on a more regular basis; for heaven's sake, I was washing down her beard beneath her lower lip every morning with a vinegar/water solution under the vet's instructions. I was mopping up her beard every time she drank because she was prone to infections if it was left to dry on its own. I even had the groomer cut her beard shorter to help it dry out faster.
She was at the vet every few weeks in July and the first part of August. She was having a bad time with allergies. Her liver enzymes were up. She was tested to make sure her thyroid med was doing its job. In and out constantly. And every time she went, the vet looked at her mouth and her teeth. Moll had been given a reprieve on having her teeth cleaned in March when the vet discovered the elevated liver enzymes with her 6 month physical.
The last time the vet looked inside Moll's mouth was the first week of August. The third week of August, I noticed something that looked like black gravel in the bottom portion of her mouth. She went that day to the vet; that was a Friday. The following Tuesday, they did a biopsy on it that confirmed cancer.
The vet was looking. I was doing the best I could. And it came on that fast. And grew that fast. It was 6 weeks to the day that we helped her to the Bridge. We opted not to try surgery, for that's just what it would have been, a try.
So, when I step back from it and really think about it, everybody did their best-the vet, us. No guilt trip required.
But I miss Moll. She was only 10.
Thanks for letting me go on.
Registered: 1194492978 Posts: 5,100
Oh, isn't it just horrible when these "second guess", feeling guilty demons hit us?! But, as you said, you and the vet did everything you could. She was still so young; it just isn't fair.
I just know your sweet Molly is gazing at you right now thinking, "Oh, Mom. Please don't blame yourself. I KNOW you love me and always did your BEST for me. I love you, Mom!" We just miss them so much. I, like you, have been missing my girl, Betsy, this weekend, even more than usual. I just went to Photobucket and put together a little slide show, and that helped. It is still a work in progress. Sending hugs, hugs, and more hugs, Melissa
Registered: 1157170502 Posts: 457
I'm so thankful that you posted about this topic....So many of us here at petloss have had major problems with guilt(including me).....My Kelsey girl's illness (spinal meningitis) also came on fast and took her from me in a very short period of time... I tormented myself for such a long time thinking, "What if I'd done this or that or the other thing? She might still be alive.." Finally, I was able to remember (although I have to remind myself again and agin) that I did the best I could and took her to a specialist as soon as it was recommended...There was no more I could have done especially in the emotional state I was in at the time!! Bless you as you are missing precious Molly, and again thanks for the post!! God Bless.........Kelsey's Mom (Ruth)
Registered: 1197839779 Posts: 1,328
I have a cat who was going outside the box (doo doo's). This was a while back--I thought it was behavioral, convinced of it. I was wrong. She was getting more and more constipated, trying to tell me with her behavior--became severly impacted. Had to have enemas, meds, another round. I felt so guilty for not seeing this as physical. I didn't know that plain old constipation could lead to such a thing in a cat--never heard of megacolon before. It got straightened out, but I still feel bad about it. The suffering she went through, and me, too--When this all blew up, in October of 07, I would just look at her and cry.
It's hard to be responsible for another living being. I try not to be so hard on myself anymore, but it's a hard habit to break. Molly knows how much you care and love her.
Registered: 1211242652 Posts: 355
I found the picture of Molly you included in one of your posts - what a beautiful sweet girl!
I too have those feelings of guilt at times; did I miss something somewhere? Cheesey's illness came on so suddenly it seemed. But deep down I know there was nothing we could do for him - we could not let him suffer. You did everyting possible for your little girl - she knows how much you loved her and cared for her. I lost my cat Cheeseburger 3 weeks ago today to lung cancer - he was 10 years old too. I had 10 wonderful years with my baby boy filled with love and happiness. I miss him so much, but I am thankful he shared my life and my heart all those years. I just wanted you to know my heart and prayers are with you and your precious Molly. Here is my e-mail: firstname.lastname@example.org Dee Cheeseburger's Mom Me and My Beautiful Boy Cheeseburger
Registered: 1193533588 Posts: 991
First let me apologize to everyone who responded to my post. Hubby came home not long after I posted, and wanted to get out of town for a few days. He just went back to work this am. Sorry not to have been able to thank you for your responses sooner.
To each of you,
I don't feel so alone on this topic. I thought I had dealt with this months ago; apparently I hadn't. Even though Moll was a high maintenance pup the last 3 years of her life, I thought we were doing everything to keep her going. The problems with the bladder were kept well under control. The cancer was a terrible surprise.
I think each of us has had the experience of a prolonged or naggy illness in our babies and the final illness that takes them from us takes us so much by surprise. I think that's where a lot of my guilt comes from. When Moll's liver enzymes went up unexpectedly last March, my refrain to my vet was "But I've been doing everything like I should!" And her reply was, "This is totally different."
Bless each of you today.