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MegansMum

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Posts: 72
 #1 
I can't get over the guilt that we allowed our Megan near the road. She was hit by a car on 17 August and we decided to euthanase her. I do believe we made the right decision there but the fact that we allowed her to walk the streets free is just killing me inside. Alot of dogs here walk free, Megan's biological father lives near us and he is free, Megan's half brother from another litter (older than her) walks free... BUT Megan was naughty and chased white Fiat Seicento cars because that is what the butcher drove (who she could never stand, the smell terrified her) that was what she was chasing when she got hit. It wasn't the drivers fault, she ran out from behind a wall, and straight across the road towards the opposite side, and he was driving on the near side (although the vet said he must have been going fast and I do wonder how things might have been had he been driving slowly).
I can't forgive myself for not making the decision to change things, and not let her free on the street. My Fiance had once commented how dangerous it was how she chased those cars. We had tried to teach her, we shouted at her, we smacked her with a newspaper, we tried introducing her to the butcher and showing her he was "good". She knew it was naughty because after she chased him, she would walk back slowly and stop and wait to see if we were coming to shout at her, and then quickly lie down and sigh. She just coudln't ignore her instinct which told her to chase him away. I guess she thought she was protecting us and her territory.
I wonder, in my darkest hours, if God took her to punish me for not keeping her safer. If He is angry with me because he gave me such a pure and wonderful soul as a companion and I took it for granted. I worry he will judge me for that when I go to Him. And if Megan knows now that she died because of me. If she knows it's my fault she can't be here anymore.
I feel like I robbed her of a long life. She was 5 and 3 months, so healthy and so full of energy. I wasted her life.
Claire.
EJones

Registered:
Posts: 455
 #2 

I can sense the despair in your post.  It was simply an accident...thats all.  She knows that you did not do this to her.  God did not punish you, He rewarded Megan for a life of devotion and love.  Do not beat yourself up over this.  YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!

PamGarland

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Posts: 315
 #3 
Megansmum,

We are not perfect beings, we are human.  We make choices and sometimes we make mistakes.  God knows this, after all, he created us. Megan knows you love her.  God knows you love her.  There is a wonderful book called Animals and the Afterlife which is very helpful when trying to deal with grief and guilt.  It's by Kim Sheridan and many people on this board have read it.  Dogs don't hold grudges or blame.  They love unconditionally.  Megan loves you still.  Trust in this and ask her for a sign.  I wish you peace on this part of your journey.
Bobo

Registered:
Posts: 116
 #4 
God is not punishing you Claire. I too thought the same thing, was I in sin and didn't surrender it to him, so He took my baby? I asked my pastor - he jumped up and said "Jesus came into the world NOT to condemn it, but to save it! The book of Job testifies to troubles, how are standing with God has nothing to do with the pain of life. The rain falls on the just and the unjust.

Claire, your not at fault for this accident, you gave Megan a wonderful life. That's what dogs do Hun, they run, chase, follow, sniff, investigate, eat, and yes protect. Heck, April attacked a rattlesnake and got nailed, I almost lost her then. I felt soooo guilty for that one.

Megan loves you Claire, she always will. Nothing can take that away, nothing. Shes at the bridge waiting patiently with her tail wagging, ready to jump into your arms. You two will be together someday, until then hold fast.

Hugs and Prayers,

Bob
judesmom

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Posts: 1,901
 #5 
aaahhh...............................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   i can't seem to get this right today.   keep hitting the wrong darned buttons.

YOU WERE NOT AT FAULT FOR THIS!!!    if you allow the guilt to enter your heart, you are taking away from the love that you and megan shared.   she would not want this.   we are all human------we all do things that we wish we could un-do.    this was not a deliberate act on your part.     while megan was with you she was very well loved and that is what she took to the bridge with you...........not any form of anger or ill feelings at all.     you did everything you could to make her life enjoyable and worthwhile and you can expect no more of yourself.    God is not punishing you and megan is not angry at you.    you are the one punishing yourself and angry at yourself.    i understand the feelings though.  it would be natural for anyone to feel this way even though  it is a gigantic negative.   please try to work through the guilt very quickly and get rid of it asap.   it is a form of beating up ourselves and please do not allow that on top off the pain and grief of the loss.    that is hard enough to bear and to live with until acceptance has reached your heart.   

as pam has already recommended, please pick up a copy of that book 'animals and the afterlife'.    it will do your heart and soul a wonder of good and can possibly answer some questions that you have running through your mind.   

you love megan and she loves you.   when all is said and done that is the strongest part of your friendship with her and the ONLY thing that is in megan's heart.    one day when peace comes to you that will be what is remaining for you.


LukesDad

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Posts: 564
 #6 

Claire, I really can't add a lot to what the others have already said.  I, too, felt consumed with guilt after the loss of my babies.  In retrospect, there were all kinds of things I could focus on in the "What if I'd only...." category.  I clearly missed symptoms of Lil's illness that may have given her more quality time with me if I'd only paid more attention.  Maybe Luke would've then been OK and wouldn't have stopped eating if I was able to make his buddy healthy again!!  Things like that....we really do a number on ourselves with the second guessing......but the fact is "Stuff happens!" 

Would I have done things differently if I could go back?  Knowing what I know now, I'm not all that sure I would!  Would it have made any difference?  I can't say for sure.  Lil had cancer.  Would she still have a good quality of life if I kept her around and put her through stressful and intrusive chemotherapy, just to buy a few more months?  I don't think I would put her through that, regardless. Could I have bought Luke more time by doing that?  I just don't know!  The one thing I do know is that I love them both with all my heart, and I have to accept that they also know that I did what I thought was the right thing at the time.  Megan knows you didn't cause the accident, nor did you wish her ill....and she loves you with all her heart for the wonderful life you provided for her!

God is not a punishing God....He is Love!  While His ways are often mysterious to us, things will become clear as we enter into His Kingdom and are reunited with those we love......clearly including our physically departed babies!!  I think Pam said this so well in a previous post.....even though we don't have our precious pets with us physically anymore, they are clearly still with us on our shared eternal journey!

May God Bless you and provide you the comfort and understanding that you deserve as a wonderful, loving person and caretaker for your precious Megan!

LukeAndLilsDad  (Rick)

jdonn3584

Registered:
Posts: 398
 #7 
Hi Claire,

    I am truly sorry to hear what happened to your Megan. Life on Earth is way too short and that's especially true for a pet.
    I have not been on Pet Loss as much as I used to since a friend of ours on Pet Loss; Jerry Copple passed away this past June. Jerry was inspirational in helping me find that Inner Peace after I lost my dog Gizmo suddenly on October 2nd, 2008. Since then I would go on occasionally to search for old friends that helped me so much in the past. Many have moved on now but a few are still here.  I don't usually respond to new posts but I am drawn to PetLoss so I will always be on it occasionally. This October will mark 2 years since the loss of my Heartdog, Gizmo.
     I have read everyone else's reply who has responded to your post. Claire they offer much sympathy and guidance. You did not do anything on purpose to Megan and She will remember you how she always will...with love. Keep the memories with you until you see her again.
     As for me not a day goes by that I do not miss my Gizmo. He was only 6 years old when he died and I still feel some guilt today and probably always will. I just wish that I had the chance say goodbye to him. Even though everyone in their post are right I find it still difficult to let go of my grief and guilt sometimes. Only you can forgive yourself and I can only tell you that it will come someday. God Bless

Jeff
Darian

Registered:
Posts: 282
 #8 

What everyone here has said is so true and I don't have much advice to add, but I wanted to add this:  my little guy also felt the need to try to chase cars.  When outdoors we had to leash him.  The only place he was able to run free was at the cottage or my parent's in the country.  As a little wee dog this wasn't too bad, but a big dog wouldn't like this life.  Despite our best efforts,  twice he ran straight out the front door when I was simply leaning out to get the mail,  and dashed right out into the road after cars. Both times he was chasing large black trucks, and went tumbling almost under their wheels. We didn't lose him to those trucks - almost - but I just wanted to show you that freak accidents happen despite our efforts.  It's not your fault!!  God loves you.  You're his child and he wouldn't punish you.

Mare

Registered:
Posts: 11,059
 #9 
I can understand your despair but please don't think that God punishes us by taking our pets.  Everyone has a time to be born and to die.  I don't think anyone here agrees with the day that God chose to take their babies back home.  We all want much more time with our babies.  It is not easy to find peace in our hearts when our babies pass on.  It takes a long time and much understanding to accept their loss.  Pray that you will find the strength to endure.  I will keep you in my prayers.

Mare
precious Christoph ~ 2 years at the bridge ~

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