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Mellouiza

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Posts: 6
 #1 
I had to have my dog put to sleep on Thursday it was so sad he stumbled and fell off our patio. He had kidney disease but not to bad was going blind and I'm pretty sure couldn't hear a word we said to him. He managed to get up and walk but fell over again so I took him inside to lie down. He took a drink and food from me but didn't get up again he seemed in complete distress a few hours later so I rang the emergency vet they asked us to come in. He the pooped himself while getting very distressed that he couldn't go out to do it.
He didn't get up again and we carried him to the car and set off. A few minutes in he seemed to calm down and I thought should I turn back and go home. But we has already got the vets to open up so I thought we'd have to go. When we got there the vet said he didn't even need to examine him as he had seen this many times before and said he could give him something to make him comfortable but the outcome would be the same just a little later. I said it's unfair of me to keep him then and he agreed. I spent a little time with him and then just like that he was gone.
Now I am left wondering why didn't I get the vet to check him why didnt I take him home. He was trying to get up but couldn't but the vets had a shiny/ tiled type of floor which he has struggled to stay upright on for years.
I just feel like I didn't try to help him and let him down by not giving him the chance. I really feel that I made the wrong decision and it is breaking my heart because there is no going back and I cannot change it his death is final.
I can't stop crying and feeling this sickness in my stomach that I did the wrong thing.
How do I live with myself? He was such a good boy
What makes it worse is I've had very little time for him since having my little girl. And I'm sure at times he felt unloved. I can never change that now and give him my time I just always thought there would be time to make it up to him and now he's gone.
grievingmom

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Posts: 639
 #2 
I understand fully your regret....I did the same thing. My intentions were good...but it was not organized.
Mellouiza

Registered:
Posts: 6
 #3 
Thankyou for your reply and I am sorry for your loss also.
My partner doesn't understand and thinks that we did the right thing. But I know we didn't, and I can't talk to him about it anymore that is why I'm here. I know I should have taken him home but for some reason I just didn't say. Maybe it was the stress of seeing him so distraught. God I wish there was a time machine I could hop into and choose to take him home.
I just want to close my eyes and sleep. Buy I lay awake at night and cry for my boy and fret over what I have done.
cosesmom

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Posts: 580
 #4 
I am sorry that you had to experience the pain and heart ache of having to say goodbye to your special little man. I to went through the same thoughts and feelings that you are going through now. I felt that my "old man" (Termy) was struggling with life and after a very hard night sitting up with him, promised " mom would fix it on Monday". I had him put to sleep knowing it was best for him but then I had the what ifs and maybe I should have thoughts. I didn't have the same vet that I had taken him to for over 14 years but one of his partners. I often wonder if I was to hasty in my decision and I should have waited for his regular vet to see him but I knew he was tired and struggling everyday. It's harder on us when our partners seem to adjust so quickly and say " you did the right thing". I hate those thoughts. You sound like me, we miss them and struggle with the guilt. I know your little man didn't deny your attention you showed your little girl because they love so unconditionally. I come here a lot too because everyone here understands and share the hurt we all go through when we lose our fur babies. I believe a lot of us share the regrets but we also need to forgive ourselves and know that we did what was right at the time and our fur babies understand. I read a post way back in September when I was having a very hard time over letting Termy go. It was something to do with grief. There were different stages of our lives with our pets. I only remember part of it. But what I do remember was letting them go while they were struggling and not suffering. There was another post that someone wrote, "better a day to soon than a day to late" because we never want them to suffer. I guess what I'm trying to say is please don't be to hard on yourself and take all the time you need to grieve and come here often because we understand and have love to share.
love and doggie hugs
Termy's mom
Jeff814

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Posts: 11
 #5 
I hope you can let yourself off the hook. Most of us here, have been through similar pain, and guilt. I lost my Sophie 2 days after Christmas 2017, and tears are flowing as I enter this. It is a little easier now, but I still miss her so much. I never had children, so Sophie was my girl, and will always will be. When I draw my last breath on earth, I hope I’m rejoined with family, friends, and my Sophie, waiting at the door with her pitter patter drumming of her front feet, and the whine of excitement, as a walk in the door. We need to have faith that we will be rejoined.
We are fortunate we don’t experience this more often. It would be even more brutal. Your vet recognized the signs, that we have a hard time seeing. I think he was honest in his statement of seeing this before. I still have to gather the courage to thank my vet, for coming to our house, to ease Sophie’s departure. I have 2nd guessed my choice, hundreds of times, yet know there was no other option to be had. Some day when we heal more, maybe we can try sharing our life with another best friend. I try not to be foolish enough to think I will have another girl like this one. It hasn’t happened in the past, but never expected it. Each one was special., and always will be. Life would have held less meaning without each of my past “kids”, and I’m sure you will find the right path for you, and let yourself off the hook.
A month after Sophie was gone, I came in the front door, with the days mail in hand. I started crying at how much I missed her greeting at the door. Upon opening the mail, I held a letter from the Arbor Day foundation. It stated that my vet paid for a tree to be planted by the Arbor Day foundation, in the national forest, in northern MN, in the Honor of Sophie, our miniature Schnauzer, and entered into the registry. I think Sophie was telling me it would be ok, in a way she could. We will be ok, and forgive ourselves with time.
Jeff814

Registered:
Posts: 11
 #6 
I hope you can let yourself off the hook. Most of us here, have been through similar pain, and guilt. I lost my Sophie 2 days after Christmas 2017, and tears are flowing as I enter this. It is a little easier now, but I still miss her so much. I never had children, so Sophie was my girl, and will always will be. When I draw my last breath on earth, I hope I’m rejoined with family, friends, and my Sophie, waiting at the door with her pitter patter drumming of her front feet, and the whine of excitement, as a walk in the door. We need to have faith that we will be rejoined.
We are fortunate we don’t experience this more often. It would be even more brutal. Your vet recognized the signs, that we have a hard time seeing. I think he was honest in his statement of seeing this before. I still have to gather the courage to thank my vet, for coming to our house, to ease Sophie’s departure. I have 2nd guessed my choice, hundreds of times, yet know there was no other option to be had. Some day when we heal more, maybe we can try sharing our life with another best friend. I try not to be foolish enough to think I will have another girl like this one. It hasn’t happened in the past, but never expected it. Each one was special., and always will be. Life would have held less meaning without each of my past “kids”, and I’m sure you will find the right path for you, and let yourself off the hook.
A month after Sophie was gone, I came in the front door, with the days mail in hand. I started crying at how much I missed her greeting at the door. Upon opening the mail, I held a letter from the Arbor Day foundation. It stated that my vet paid for a tree to be planted by the Arbor Day foundation, in the national forest, in northern MN, in the Honor of Sophie, our miniature Schnauzer, and entered into the registry. I think Sophie was telling me it would be ok, in a way she could. We will be ok, and forgive ourselves with time.
Mellouiza

Registered:
Posts: 6
 #7 
Thankyou to everyone responding to my story.
He started to get less active when I was coming to the end of my pregnancy 2 years ago pulling to go home instead of wanting to stay out as he always had.
In response to this I made the walks much shorter and he seemed to be happy with that.
When I came back from the hospital with my little girl he had clearly missed me and I him.
However I found being a new mum to be not what I expected it was very hard and I was so sleep deprived and got a little depressed. So I tried harder to be a good mum to my little girl. After all I had waited 5 years to have her I wanted to do it right.
Max uses to go everywhere with me overnights at friends houses to see my family day trips very long hikes he was such a big part of my life.
Then he stopped being able to get in and out of the car so the day trips and visits to friends he couldn't do i'd get my mum to stay with him.
Then he couldn't walk on long walks so In nice weather he would be at home after his short walks and we'd be out. He was alone a lot and sad I know.
He couldn't play ball anymore he'd just fall over All this really happened over 12 months the deterioration of his body so cruel is old age.
Then he started to poop in his bed while he was asleep and in the morning he'd get up and there it would be he'd lose control of his bladder in sleep also. At this time my little girl was crawling and walking about I became worried she would come across one of his accidents and play.
She used to pick things up off the floor and eat them so I worried for this also.
I suppose the worst time for him must have been since October 2017 when we had to partition the lounge off with a custom long baby gate.
Due to the pooping and walking it about.
Then he never came over to us just slept in his corner or whined probably from loneliness. He had lost half his sight and was deaf by this point.
I'm so sorry that I didn't comfort him more and tell him that I loved him. I'm sorry I didn't let him comfort me on my bad days. I'm sorry that I will never feel that thick soft fur on his beautiful collie mane. I'm sorry I didn't look into his eyes more often so he knew I was there.
But more than anything I am sorry that that night I didn't look into his eyes to see what he wanted before I made that wrong decision.
I'm sorry I didn't help him stand and say come on boy let's go home it's not your time.
I'm sorry i'll never see his sweet face again or smell him he always smelt of the outdoors. That smell could lift my spirits.
How did I forget that when I had my girl.
I longed for so long to be a mother that when it happened I forgot I was already a mother I had been for so many years.
It's as if he stopped being such a big part of our life and slowly disappeared.
In those final hours he couldn't tell me and I didn't ask.
I failed him!
My wonderful faithful loving boy is gone and I can't bring him back.
He tried to get up when they put the needle in and I should have stopped it but I didn't.
It will haunt Me to the end of my days.
I gave up on him why would he wait for me?
Why would I expect him to be there when my life is done?
I wish he would visit me in spirit so I could tell him all the things I never said.
My mind has always been my hiding place and I hide there well. Maybe I hid there away from him. When I realised one day soon he would be gone. As his body failed him maybe I didn't want to see because it hurt too much.
I will never know
He will never know
I am broken now and he is gone my boy is gone.
Mellouiza

Registered:
Posts: 6
 #8 
Thankyou for all your kind words it is comforting to know I am not alone
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