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AnnieDietrich

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Posts: 1
 #1 
My dog passed away today (December 7th, 2019) around 1:30pm; He had cancer a few months ago but it was just a tumour so it was taken out successfully by the vets. Just over a week ago he developed a limp in his hind leg - my family thought it was just arthritis or from jumping on and off the beds. My mom took him for an ultrasound and it turned out that there were new tumours growing and there was not much they could do for him except put him on pain pills, so we did. I told my dad to take him to the vets today (again) because I can't help but worry about him - his condition seemed to have gotten worse, he wasn't eating or drinking and he started vomiting. The vets took a blood sample and said he had a blood disease and his organs would stop functioning so in that moment we decided to stop his suffering and put him down. I'm only 16 so I don't know how to handle this much amount of emotions. My eyes burn and my cheeks are swollen and irritated from crying so much. My head is full of "what ifs" and I know thinking like this wouldn't have changed the outcome but I just wonder if he knew how much I love him. He was my best friend; he would just listen to me talk and there was no judgement. Now every time I open the door there's no dog to greet me and whenever I eat there's no dog sitting beside me begging for some human food. I'm completely lost and guilt consumes me. Sometimes I would be too lazy to walk him, or I'd get frustrated that he walked so slowly or I accidentally stepped on his paw once. All these things that make me question if I was even a good sister to him. I'm at a lost which is why I joined this site.
lindsayg79

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Posts: 7
 #2 
Dear AnnieDietrich,
I’m so sorry for your loss, and I feel your pain. Today marks the 5th week since my little boy, Ash, passed. I cried so much. I’d go to work with puffy eyes for a while. I also questioned myself if I’d been a good mom to my boy. I also wondered if he’d know how much I cared for him. But, thinking about it all this time, I know that our choices were based on his well-being. Ash would step out every morning to do his business. He would bark at the door if he was ready to come in or he’d stay out for the morning until he decided he would come back in. Well, that morning he didn’t bark. I thought , “Oh well, he is not ready.” How would I know that two stray dogs were out there. This was our normal routine. I’ve been telling myself I should have left him in. I would have of cleaned his accident a million times than loosing him. But, who would have known. He was my little boy. I’ve struggled to make sense of the situation, but I know they knew we loved them. There is days I cry like a baby. I’ve stopped to reflect on my pain. I know my little boy wouldn’t want me to be this way. I cry, I do let my emotions out. My family has been very strong, I’m not like them. I’ve asked my co-workers to be patient with me. I’ve noticed for the past few days my feelings are a little more in place. I’ve promised him and myself that he will always be a part of my life. I have a framed photo in my living room. I wanted something to carry with me, so I’m in the process of ordering a small charm that says my favorite phrase to him.. I use to play with him. Every time we played, I would tap my lap and say, “Run Ash. Run.” And he’d run so fast around the yard or living room it was funny. He would make me laugh. I know I don’t ever want to forget those memories. I think that as a tribute to him, keeping his memories alive has somehow aided in my pain. You have joined a great support board. This board has helped me understand that we are not alone. You are not alone. The emotions we go through are tough, but we will get better. It’s hard, no doubt, but you are in company of many of us who share the love of our loyal companions. I’m sorry for your loss.
grievingmom

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Posts: 640
 #3 
I am very sorry for your loss. What a tragedy for you.

I understand that you feel hopeless right now. This is what being in pain feels like. Exactly what you described. So there is nothing "wrong" with you.

You are feeling this way because you are going over in your head all that happened...so naturally  you are going to feel sad and very upset. Thinking about all that has happened is called "processing" the death of your dog.

Your upsetting feelings are sign that you are grieving. Grieving really hurts big time. It's like the worst pain in the world. There are no words for it.

But it doesn't last forever. You will get better. I promise.

Your dog knows you loved him. Things like being too lazy to walk him are things all normal people do with their dogs. Your dog was not abused. And he never felt abused or unloved. I can tell just because of the way you love him and got great veterinary care for him.

Even though you have no hope of getting over this right now, in the days, weeks and months ahead your pain will start to ease up.

And someday you will feel fine.

Give it lots of time.

You are doing great.

I am so sorry for you.

God bless you.

Love, Stephanie
pansy

Registered:
Posts: 599
 #4 
Grieving mom's words are so very very true.  You will be processing this for a while and it is part of the grieving that takes place.  It is very painful but as time goes on the intensity will get less and less.  It's scary at first to feel this much pain but there is no way around it so just know that this will pass and don't be afraid of it.  I'm going through this right now as just 7 days ago I put my gorgeous boy to sleep.  It will be my 6th cat that I had to make the dreaded decision over and my pain is as bad as it was the very first time I had to do this.  I know it will lessen with time and I'm allowing myself to grieve however I see fit.  You will get through this- it is normal to feel the pain and loss.  It will get better, trust me.
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