Registered: 1553090899 Posts: 1
I need to vent my feelings so this will be long I apologise in advance.
My cockatiel who has been with us since he was 7 weeks old has passed away on Monday and I can’t stop blaming myself about it. I feel like I lost a part of me. He was only 5 so it hurts more than it should knowing that he didn’t die of old age. He was always the first face I saw after getting back home from work. He used to sleep in a puppy bed in my bedroom so he was the first and last face I saw in the morning and at night. He hated being in his cage so we had let him free to roam the house. He used to sing, let us cuddle with him, i even took him out on drives lol and many more. However he fell ill about two weeks ago. It didn’t seem like anything serious at first as he always gets ill due to being half the average weight for unknown reasons. Matters got worse, he started to lose appetite, loss of balance, watery stool, trouble breathing and getting more exhausted after flying. At one point he even flew into a wall and collapsed on the floor. I mentioned all the symptoms to the vet and gave more of an emphasise on how he was flying and hit the wall and collapsed on the floor. The vet checked to see if anything was broken, gave an injection and weighed him in which I found out that he had lost another 8 grams and sent us away. Me being me at that moment completely forgot to ask about his other symptoms, his rapid weight loss and to ask whether he could be given any antibiotics as this wasn’t my cockatiels first time getting those symptoms. My cockatiel seemed to be getting a little better than before but he was still suffering and wasn’t eating much. I didn’t think much of it at the time. I was hoping he would get better as he showed signs that he was. I had ordered a medication for cockatiels that is good for the symptoms as mentioned above. But since it was the weekend I wasn’t going to get the med until Tuesday. Monday came and everything took a turn. Around noon that day my mum was texting me saying how he was doing well and how he had become much more active. This made me smile the fact that he was getting better. 3 hours later I received a text with an image saying he passed away. It killed me. My mum told me how she was stroking him on her chest before he died. Apparently he was fighting until the last moment waiting to be rescued with his eyes half open. And here I thought he was getting better but now this guilt is eating me alive knowing that wasn’t the case and I should’ve taken him to the vets again or have done something at least. The what ifs keep going around my head, the things I could’ve done the things I should’ve done. My small mistake led to his death. I feel so guilty and it hurts even more knowing he suffered for so long and died in pain. I could’ve prevented all this yet I didn’t. It hurts to go home knowing I’m not gonna here his singing voice anymore or laugh at the way he ran towards me after a day of work. My family were upset on the day he passed away but now they’re doing fine. My bird spent most of his time with my mum. But it’s just me whos feeling guilty, hurt and crying like a cry baby. This pain isn’t going to go away easily. It has come to the point where I don’t feel motivated to do anything anymore and honestly I don’t know what to do to move on knowing his death is in my hands.
Registered: 1553203304 Posts: 19
I’m so sorry. I’m praying for you. We lost our Buck yesterday. I know the horrible feelings of the “what if’s and should haves.” I feel like I don’t want to live without him.