Registered: 1284436705 Posts: 15
It was 3 weeks ago today Samantha died. I’ve been feeling better the last several days, even to the point of considering getting a new little friend. I was looking at adoptable cats on-line and starting to get a little excited about the idea. Then yesterday I saw a picture of a kitten that has a strong resemblance to Samantha when she was little. I feel like I’ve not stopped crying since. I keep thinking I don’t want a new friend I want my old one back. I live alone and over the years she always seemed to know when something was bothering me and would make me feel better. It’s so hard to get my head around not seeing her again (at least not in this life) and not having her here.
There are so many little things, the ball under the coffee table, the rub mark on the bed room door where she would rub her chin. It was beautiful day out today and instead of enjoying it I kept looking at the sunny spot on the floor and thinking about how Samantha used to love to roll around in the sunshine. I hate this helplessness. I need to be able to do something, but there just isn’t anything left to do. It just is.
Thanks for listening,
Registered: 1269842402 Posts: 1,901
raymond-i can feel how your heart is breaking. it is a very long hard road to have to travel down this grieving process. our hearts are shattered so badly that we feel as if they will never be healed. your loss is still so new and in the raw stage and your mind is numb. we all know that feeling. when my kitty jude left late this last march i felt like a walking, talking, functioning zombie for the first 5 months. it's just now starting to sink in that she is really gone. there are so many ups/downs in our lives that it can just make us dizzy trying to figure everything out and right our worlds again. it will happen but it just takes a whole lot of time and many boxes of kleenex.
you're certainly doing the right thing by coming here and talking about your feelings. this board is very beneficial for everyone as it is good and necessary for all of us to vent, talk and cry and release all of these deep seated powerful emotions that come with our loss. all the folks here understand how completely the world feels like a lonely empty place without our furbabies at our side. every day without them seems like a lonely lifetime. you will heal but as i've already said before, it will take a good long time to go through all the steps of the grieving process until you are in a better and more emotionally stable and healthy state of mind. along with visiting this board frequently and talking to others here many of us have found solace is some books. two that have been mentioned alot are 'cold noses at the pearly gates' by gary k and 'animals and the afterlife' by kim sheridan. you can read about them on amazon.com. i have read both and found alot of comfort in them but in different ways. and there is the every mon night candlelight ceremony at petloss. it is very beautiful and does bring with it a sense of peace and calm. whenever you are ready for another kitty whether it be tomorrow or 3 years from now we know that you will love your new baby with all of your heart. this new baby will create his/her own special space in your heart and help to put a smile back on your face and in your heart again. whenever you are up to it, please tell us more about what samantha was like and post some pictures as well. (((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Registered: 1216478758 Posts: 1,405
I am so very sorry for your loss of your precious Samantha. I understand how you are feeling. I have been in the same situation you are in now when I lost my sweet girl Fred in 1996. I felt the helplessness you talk of when I saw all the places she loved. I wasn't open to the idea of adopting another cat at all after she died. But my husband was. He called me from our local pound a month after Fred had died. He wanted me to see a litter of 6 week old kittens. I cried all the way there for my Freddie. I just wanted her back. I didn't want another. I wanted HER. I too met a kitten that so very much looked like my Fred that day. The kitten was coal black with just a few white hair under her chin - just like Fred. I thought I couldn't bear to even see another black cat again. Truth be told, black cats are my favorite. Anyway, the point I want to make is this. My heart soared to the clouds when I saw the kittens. I felt Fred presence in my soul and knew she was the one that led us to these kittens. The little black kitten was the first to march right up to my fingers I stuck into the cage. She licked my finger and in doing so she immediately won my heart. I adopted her (Poof) and her sister (Oreo). It was wonderful watching them grow up together. And, I usually adopted in "two's" now. :)
I'm sorry to babble but the wife of my vet explained it to me one day. She said that there is no better way to honor the memory of a very much loved departed pet than to open your heart to another. I know Samantha would give you her blessing to open your heart to another who needs a forever home. Afterall, it is not to replace her ~ you could never do that ~ it is to honor her memory.
You have my deepest sympathies. Sorry this is so long. I hope all my rambling on has helped you even if it's just a little bit.
God bless, Linda
Registered: 1261658894 Posts: 262
I am so sorry for your heartbreaking loss. The longer I hang around here, the more I wonder if our beloved pets who we love and miss so much are maybe more responsible than we can know for prompting us to welcome a new pet into our hearts and lives. They too continue to love and care for us as we do them. I am beginning to believe that they watch over us and whisper to our hearts while we sleep encouraging us to seek another pet to help ease our grief. We resist out of fear of being disloyal but I think what Linda said is true, there really is no better way to honor their memories. I hope your heart will soon find comfort and begin to heal.
Registered: 1219887733 Posts: 11,059
Raymond ~ I understand your feelings. Life changes too much when our beloved pets leave us. Nothing feels the same any longer and it is hard to find the joy in our days. The early months of loss are very painful and very lonely. When I first lost my bunny, I would go online quite often looking at other bunnies but always knew in my heart that I would only have one bunny in my life. Thankfully, many people go on to bring another loving animal into their life and I believe in time, you will find another special cat to share your days. My heart goes out to you as you mourn the loss of your sweet Samantha.
Mare precious Christoph ~ 2 years at the bridge ~
Registered: 1285618145 Posts: 1
I had to make the decision yesterday. I am having trouble dealing with it, even though Iknow it was the right thing to do. My baby boy Chet was the love of my life & my only family. He was there with me when my husband died and every day since. If he couldn't go, I didn't go. That simple.
Chet was old, diabetic for 8 years, blind for 4 years, but woke up smiling at both ends every morning when the alarm went off. We called him "Little Stevie Wonder Dog" because he sat on the porch waving his head back & forth & smiling at everyone that walked by, even though he couldn't see them (his snooter worked just fine though, as evidenced by every time I cheated with another dog, but he understood I always came home to him). I can't stop crying & was told at work today to just go home. I miss him so much. My room mates dog Kirby is very sad & has been kissing away my tears. I know I am not alone, but it still seems like it. A few weeks ago we took our last vacation together. I knew then it was the last one. He was so happy when he found deer poop to roll in! I hpe where he is now, he is with my husband, rolling in deer poop )Chet, not Charlies!).
Registered: 1285365322 Posts: 6
Raymond I wish I had the words or the wisdom to help. All I can say is that I understand your feelings...I know the pain you feel. My Bill passed only 4 days ago so the wound of this loss is still very deep for me. Just know that you as well as your departed Samantha both are in all my thoughts and prayers.
One minute at a time. I feel that's all we can do.
Registered: 1284436705 Posts: 15
Thank you for your responses everyone. I appreciate it.
I keep telling myself I should write down some of my favorite Samantha stories but when I think about sitting down to do so I just don’t feel like it.
All I’ve been able to think about is her these weeks. I am getting far enough behind at work that it is starting to demand my full attention, which is a good thing I think. I had lunch with a friend of mine on Sunday. She was aware of Samantha passing, but we ended up talking about everything but that. It was actually nice, felt more like myself for a while. When I got into the car to head home however, it all came back to me. My only thought was now I have to go back to that lonely empty house.
Registered: 1261658894 Posts: 262
Samantha is such a beauty. I had a kitty named Tasha that looked very similar to her a long time ago. Sometimes I think that our pets our watching over us while we grieve and worrying over us struggling to cope. I think it is great that you took a much needed and well deserved 'break' from grieving for Samantha and you are not being disloyal to her in any way. May your heart continue to heal.
Chetsmom, I am so sorry for your loss. I sent a pm to you.
Registered: 1230312490 Posts: 28
This grieving process is not easy and takes time to go through all the steps. I know at this point you do not feel up to writing stories but what you can do is jot down all the special memories you had with Samantha. Then later when you feel up to it you can look at your list and decide then which one(s) to write about. This will also help to bring smiles and get you through the darker days. Samantha was a sweetheart and her memories are all around you as she has left her paw prints on your heart. In time the pain will soften and the tears will be less frequent. For now it is just taking it day by day. My thoughts are with you (((hugs))) Kerri