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hartb09

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Posts: 5
 #1 
I don't even know where to begin. I had a cat named Pixie and she was absolutely gorgeous. She purred like a motor, smothered me with nuzzles and kisses, and knew just when to help me feel better and when to leave me alone. I recieved her as a gift from my then boyfriend (now my ex) for my birthday after my other cat died, about two weeks earlier.  Pixie really helped me through my last two tough years of high school. 

Then came college...

You aren't allowed to have animals in the dorm, so Pixie had to stay behind with my sister's cat and the family dog.  I came home whenever possible, but eventually those visits became fewer and fewer.  When I came home in March for spring break, I noticed a growth in my cats side, something my mother had already noticed.  I was devastated when the vet did her surgery only to tell me that he was 90% sure the tumor would grow back. He could not reach all of the tumor because it went over her spine.  Two months later Pixie's tumor had returned with a vengeance, so i made a very tough decision to have her put to sleep. 

I was in the room with her and I thought I was doing the responsible pet owner thing to do, but now I wish I had never seen her final moments on that cold steel table.  Every time I close my eyes, thats all I can see and it kills me. She was put to sleep on Friday and we buried her in our beautiful garden outside our house.  I am just having a really hard time dealing and I can't stop playing the "what if" game. What if she wasn't as bad as I thought? What if I had been there more? What if I made a rash decision? The guilt is terrible. My friends seem to have that "it's just a cat" look in their eyes and I really had no where else to turn. Thanks for listening
Nancee

Registered:
Posts: 1,328
 #2 
Sorry for your loss of Pixie. When they pass away--it seems to be part of the process to feel guilt, remorse, doubt, etc.. I can only say most people on here talk about that. Try to go easy on yourself and not beat yourself up over it.
The grief is hard and it takes time to work through. My prayers are with you  and Pixie. (I had a small dog named Pixie when I was a teenager;I love that name).Take care.
yoda

Registered:
Posts: 346
 #3 

 Its a lonely feeling when OTHERS dont understand what that feeling is you have for your furbaby, Believe me I havent been up to my sisters house in over a year because I am still waiting for my neice and nephew(in their 30s) to respond to the horrible ordeal I had with my Smokey RIP. They havent a clue, so ignore your unfeeling friends now, you are different from them. Dont close them off, they just dont know how to deal with your loss......like when a human passes..its a very unnerving gray area of life that we must endure. What ifs are always in the pot, stewing and stewing....I did it with many of my cats and a poor little baby bird as a matter of fact.  You being here at Petloss is a great thing, everyone here is of one like mind.. a great place to go during times like these.   Yoda

rupertsmum

Registered:
Posts: 820
 #4 
Real friends will understand she was not just a cat to you.  She was special and you had a bond with her.  I had to pts my Rupert cat 19 weeks ago today and those last moments have haunted me so much.  I wanted to be with him when he left on his journey but it was the hardest thing I have EVER done in my life.  You sound like you are young. I  am not but it was so hard and the guilt eats away at you . Some days I can get through using nice thoughts from my memory.  You did the right thing and when you think of being at the vets change your thoughts to earlier years.  I know it is hard but for now you are grieving and need to get through that numb foggy time.  I too was in that fog.  Today is a bad day but I do have some good days.  I will never forget my beautiful boy but I have to blot it out a bit to function normally for my kids sake. 

Cancer has a terrible way of coming back with a vengance, my boy had kidney disease.  They never will live long enough for us.   

Everyone on this site has lost a beloved pet and here you are not alone.  Thinking of you Ruperts Mum
smarlies72

Registered:
Posts: 49
 #5 
Everyone here is right - we all went through the 'what-ifs" and "did I do enough" trips of guilt. I too, along with my Mum, queried whether we had done the right thing by our beautiful Dalmatian Jesse - she went from being perfectly fine 2 weekends ago (other than a minor heart arrythmia controlled by medication) to having 2 full days of seizures on the 28th May.

The vet's advice (and it is expert advice) was that to try her on more medication to control the seizures, and give her more invasive tests, at 13 years of age, was only going to cause her more suffering, and no guarantees that the meds would work. So we made the 'pts' decision and it nearly destroyed us. We couldn't eat, sleep or think straight. We still can't, but some days are a bit easier because we know that we gave our girl her peace and her dignity and her ultimate freedom from what was most probably a brain tumour that was only going to get worse.

Everything you feel is absolutely normal and you have to sit with those thoughts and feelings and accept that you did the best you could for your little one. Of course, that doesn't make the pain go away, but eventually you will come to know that your act was done out of love.

Thinking of you....

Jesse's Mum

basil

Registered:
Posts: 1,205
 #6 

It is so hard to let our babies go, even though we know in hearts we are doing the right thing.  Havent we all played that same game.........why do we love torturing ourselves so.  If we didnt love them we would never be able to do the things that have to be done.  I am so sorry, thinking of you Di xxx

hartb09

Registered:
Posts: 5
 #7 

Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement and understanding.  Your messages are really helping me cope with my loss.  While each day gets a bit easier, I still find myself crying at the stupidest things (anything from a song on the radio to a shirt I found covered in her hair).  I still have nightmares about her last moments, the sound she made when she was injected and the way her body seemed to contort, but at least I'm going to sleep, right? I'm just taking each day one step at a time and hoping I will be able to accept her death. As soon as I can bare to download the pictures from my camera, I will post a picture of my baby. I just have a hard time looking at pictures of her right now.  Hopefully that will pass because she was a beautiful cat!!! Thank you again and my thoughts are with you and your beloved animals! Please continue posting, your words are helping me get through this terrible time.

tristansmom

Registered:
Posts: 12
 #8 
I'm so very sorry you've lost your sweet Pixie! I was exactly where you are less than two weeks ago. It is the most difficult decision to make, but giving that one last gift so that my sweet Tristan did not suffer any longer...

I, too, was with my Tristan. You too were there for Pixie; that's important! It hurts so much now, I know! Please be kind to yourself, I'm thinking of you!

Teresa (Tristan's mom)

Ltb3105

Registered:
Posts: 296
 #9 
I am so sorry for your loss, and your agony over being there when your pet was pts is exactly the reason I've never been with mine at the end, and will not be there when my Kirby goes to the bridge.  I have heard of too many horror stories of pets crying out, or the injection not "taking", only to have to inject them again.  Please do not let this horrible memory be the only thing you think about.  Try to think of the good memories you had with your pet, and that, at the end, you felt you needed to be there.

On the other hand, there are many who weren't there for their pets' final moments, and agonize over that as well.  So, there's no real way to ease that grief except to let it take it's course.  In time, you will remember that less, and smile and even laugh at all the good times with your pet.

Laura
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