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BuddysMomNC

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Posts: 29
 #1 
The hardest thing I ever, ever did was to have my nearly 1 yr old dog put down for aggression.  It's been just over 3 weeks.  Buddy was incredibly beautiful, part flat coated retriever, part border collie, best guess anyway, and a hefty 75 lbs, a really gorgeous creature.  He was my first dog, and he broke my heart.

I am starting to come to terms with his absence, and why there is an absence.  Missing him is an understatement, he was my commitment and priority for 10 months.  Understanding why he was aggressive is something I don't think I'll ever understand.  Why I couldn't fix him, or be what he needed, is not in the cards for me to know either.  My head believes that my decision to end his life was necessary, my heart is still on a journey to understanding that.  I'd give anything in this world not to have had to make such an awful decision.  I never in a million years thought I would ever be capable of such a decision. 

One of the hardest things I've had to endure is judgment from others.  Others who didn't live with us, others who didn't witness what I witnessed, others who didn't know his tendencies because I didn't broadcast them.  God knows I have enough guilt already without having it heeped on from those who have no idea what has gone on.  Thankfully though, the people I care most about have been the most supportive, they have been kind and caring and gave me a shoulder to cry on.  Those who questioned, well, I'm questioning my relationships with them.

I'm doing okay, and I hope all of you here are doing okay also.  I know a few of you have had very similar situations as me, I especially hope your hearts are healing gently.  This site is my safe haven regarding my Buddy, I know I'll never be judged here, we're all in the same boat one way or another, missing a friend we loved so much.

Blessings to you all.  ~ Buddy's Mom (Cindy) 


Mare

Registered:
Posts: 11,059
 #2 
I am sorry you are having a hard time coping with the loss of your precious Buddy.  I know it was not an easy decision to make and it will take time for your heart to heal.  I like to think that Buddy is a super happy dog now and is grateful to you for caring for him so much to make this sacrifice.  You will see Buddy again and spend all of eternity with your dear boy.

Mare
precious Christoph ~ 2 years at the bridge ~

Fionasmum

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Posts: 730
 #3 
Dear Cindy,

Unless someone has walked in your shoes there is no way they can judge your decision.  From your letter I can tell that you did everything you could to make Buddy's life a good one in the short time you had together.  This is clearly not a decision you made lightly and without a great deal of compassion for your precious friend.

Your struggle to 'fix' him was probably one you could not win.  Buddy would never have wanted a life that made him unhappy and you set him free to join the other pets who now live in our hearts and at the rainbow bridge waiting for us to return to them. 

The decision to help our friends to go is never easy, regardless of the circumstances that make that choice necessary.  We chose to end our little dog Fiona's life when we found out she had a cancerous tumour on her heart that could not be treated.  To have kept her alive for just a few more days with painful procedures would have been the most selfish action we could have undertaken.  Her peace and freedom from pain was our priority - as it was for you with Buddy.

You put Buddy first in your heart but your heart has difficulty accepting that this was the right action. You loved him, you cared for him, you could not help him any other way.  Be strong.  Buddy knows how hard this was for you and you are not alone in this difficult journey.

Fiona's Mum 
Murphy22

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Posts: 1,982
 #4 
Dear Cindy ~
I can't imagine how hard this was for you.  You did everything you possibly could but some things can't be fixed, or changed, with all the love, care and training in the world.  I would try not to explain it to people.  Many won't understand.  It may be best to say Buddy was ill and is now in heaven.  And it would be the truth.   Say, "it's just to hard to talk about".  They will understand that.

It took my heart a year to know and accept I did the right thing for my girl.  It does take some time for your heart and mind to come together.  But it still hurts, I still cry at the thought of her, I miss her dearly.  Those things never change.

You loved Buddy with all your heart and he knows that.  The situation you were in was so complex, your heart full of love fighting your fears and what could happen at any moment. 

Buddy flew home with the angels where he can be free of those feelings that caused his actions, he can be the calm, loving boy you also knew so well.  He's probably saying "Thank you Mommy!"

No matter how or why we lose them, if we loved them so deeply ~ we grieve them just as deeply.  Humans aren't capable of making this terrible decision for any reason without feeling heavy guilt and even remorse for the "what if's". 

Please take care,
Sandie
Murphy's Mommy

KatLover

Registered:
Posts: 842
 #5 
Cindy, I just want to wish you peace and healing.  I think all of us, no matter our situation, have wished we could heal and could not, and that is what it comes down to.  We all wish things could have been different, but they weren't, so we're all in the same boat.  I tend to feel that on the other side, all of our friends are whole and healthy again, and they know we did all we could, as you did.  Please rest easy and be kind to yourself. 

Kathy

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