Registered: 1596856640 Posts: 4
I had to put my beautiful 5 year old Pomeranian Maurice down today. I got Maurice when he was 2 months old from a breeder and he was my dream come true - I adored the little guy, and he adored me. He was my absolute best friend. I did all the things I thought a good owner would do, I took him to puppy school, I socialised him, I taught him tricks, I made homemade meals for him, I wanted him to be happy and healthy. The first issue was maybe 2 months after I got him, we were walking and he found a chicken wing on the floor, I took it off him fearing the bones would hurt him and he bit me enough to draw blood. I was completely shocked. I started reading about resource guarding and tried to train him out of it by doing lots of ‘exchanging’ games. I thought he was getting better. But then as the months went by we had similar incidents - I realised he wasn’t just resource guarding food, he started resource guarding toys and space. We went from a dog I could happily let off leash at a park to one who wouldn’t let anyone close to us or he would aggressively bark and chase them away. This slowly turned into leash aggression which I also tried training him out of. I started noticing how his anxiety levels kept rising and he became extremely protective over our apartment - again I could see things escalating - we went from a dog who would happily accept guests to one who would bark at them, then nip them to finally a dog who would launch an attack on anyone who came in. We tried everything, trainers, behaviourists, medication, we got him a friend to keep him company, calming remedies, etc but his anxiety just kept rising and rising. We ended up moving countries last year and the trip was very stressful for him. When he arrived he was a ball of nerves and went through a phase of attacking my husband if he got close to him (but only sometimes so it was hard to discern a trigger). He attacked a groomer for the first time and my sisters boyfriend whom he had previously been friendly with. I worried as I fell pregnant and his attacks inside the house were becoming more frequent and more unpredictable - how could we have a baby near him? We tried to manage him as best as we could, I spent hours reading online on how I could help - his attacks just seemed to come out of nowhere. Once I was rubbing his belly and when I started using two hands instead of one he went for me - I had to run and jump on the sofa because it was like he was possessed and wouldn’t stop. Attacks after that got worse in terms of him not stopping until we got away, it was like a blind rage and he always felt awful and went to hide after it happened. My poor guy was living with so much anxiety, protecting us, protecting himself, and at the same time we were living in fear in our own home. The last straw was this week when he attacked our other dog who is the most defenceless loving dog - I saw him on top of her rabidly going for her neck and her cowering away. I knew that it was too much and every incident would be emotionally devastating for the whole family. We put him to sleep yesterday and I was there with him until the last moment - telling him how much I adored him and praying he would go to a more peaceful place where he no longer lives with all that anxiety. I haven’t stopped crying in days, I haven’t slept, haven’t eaten. I go from sobbing uncontrollably every few mins to being so angry. I’m angry at myself for not being able to find another way, for not being consistent with his training, for not giving him a stable environment (house moves, country moves, new baby, etc). I’m angry at God for making him the way he was - I’m convinced he wasn’t wired right as a normal dog doesn’t react the way he did. I’m angry at my husband for not appearing to suffer as much as I am. I’m angry at everyone who hasn’t gone through this and doesn’t feel the heartbreak and devastation I feel right now. I pray all day and all night that he has found his peace and I will see him again but until then I just don’t know how I’m doing to cope
Registered: 1158205770 Posts: 844
I am so sorry for your heartbreak of losing Maurice. So many people have come to Pet Loss having gone through this. I talked to my vet when this happened to us and he said that just as people can have mental and emotional issues some animals do also. Our dog went from being a dog who loved everyone to attacking the one she loved most causing serious harm. As much as your heart is breaking you did the best thing you could for him, releasing him from his inner pain. No matter what Maurice did I am sure he loved you very much. I truly understand your feelings including being angry at your husband because he doesn't appear to be suffering as much. It's possibile he is trying to be strong for you and feels that not showing his emotions is the only way to do it. Your other little dog is probably grieving as well and needs comforting. You did the only thing you could do for your little one and you were with him when he slipped from this world into another where he has found peace for his weary little body. He will never again know the inner discomfort he undoubtedly was living with and he will be waiting you when you arrive with a happily wagging tail and a smiling little face. And as difficult as it is your heart will mend knowing you did everything you could to give Maurice the happy life every dog needs. Let the tears flow, it take a long time for your broken heart to mend but it will and he will always be with you in your thoughts and in your heart. Again, I am deeply sorry.
Registered: 1596856640 Posts: 4
Thank you so much for your kind words, I really needed to hear them. Everything is still so raw and I’ve not been able to stop thinking about him, the house is missing his energy and his beautiful little fluffy face. It will take me a long time to overcome these feelings but hearing words like yours reassuring me I made the right choice make me feel so much better. I pray that I do see him one day and he is free of pain and anxiety and happy as he so deserves to be. He was such a good dog and I will love him with all my heart forever.
Registered: 1596856640 Posts: 4
Thank you so much for your kind words, it makes me feel so much better knowing that I made the right choice because I keep second guessing myself. The house feels so empty without him and I still can’t believe I won’t get to see his fluffy little face around for a long time. I pray that I do see him again one day and he is free of pain and full of happiness. He was such a good boy, it wasn’t his fault, he deserves all the good in the world.