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LilBsMommy

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Posts: 4
 #1 
We lost our six year old peekapoo Baxter a week ago today. He was fine the weekend before and then started vomiting and gradually stopped eating and drinking. We took him to our vet and he spent the night. The next day they said he needed more care, so we took him to the emergency vet. We tried everything to save him, but he was in acute liver and kidney failure. My wife and I made the gut wrenching decision to let him go last Friday night. He was in respiratory distress and we couldn’t let him go through that any longer. We brought his favorite stuffed animal and we told him stories and we played classical music that we played when he was a puppy and couldn’t fall asleep. We were both there when he passed. We opted for a private cremation and brought a piece of his favorite afghan to go with him. We spritzed it with our perfumes and rubbed the afghan on our two other dogs and two cats so he would have his pack with him. We may have him back today.

We don’t know what happened yet. His leptospirosis titers came back negative, but they were drawn after antibiotics were started. The vet offered to take liver and kidney samples to send for pathology, so we are waiting for those results. What if he got into some toxin and we didn’t know? What if we inadvertently harmed our baby boy? How does a seemingly healthy pup go into acute liver and kidney failure so quickly?

I am struggling because it was so sudden. I feel like I am going through the motions of life. I’m doing what needs to be done, but joy is beyond my reach. My saving graces are my wife, our pack and family and friends. My parents have been watching our other dogs while we are at work. I am so scared if I don’t have eyes on them all the time. We check their pupils each day to make sure there’s no evidence of jaundice and we watch them like hawks.

Baxter was our peacemaker and everybody’s best friend. 13 pounds of sass and love. I cannot put into words how much I love him. He helped heal my heart when we lost our first rescue at 14. Bax was supposed to be with us for another ten years.

I haven’t put anything on Facebook because I can’t. I can’t hear anyone say this was part of a plan or he’s flying with the angels or he’s in a better place. He should be laying in front of the fireplace on his favorite bed with his favorite stuffed animal. Now, it sits there alone on the bed wearing Baxter’s collar.

I want my baby boy back and I know that can never happen. My heart is shattered and I want to crawl into a cave. I know it will take time. I came here to be amongst all of you who understand. Thank you for reading my story. My heart goes out to all of you.
PoisonIvy

Registered:
Posts: 60
 #2 
I am very sorry.  My dog died this week but at least I knew for several months that it was coming, so I could prepare  myself a little bit emotionally.  In any situation, however, death of our dear family members is so hard.
stronics

Registered:
Posts: 37
 #3 
Oh my, what a terrible thing. I just lost my beloved Cooper on the 19th of Jan. and I still have a hard time talking about it or even writing this. He would have been seven in March.
I loved (love) him so much. I did have 5 months with him after we found out he was sick. What I'd give to have another hour.
There is never enough time to say "Good Bye". I can imagine what your pain must be like. I am so sorry for your loss.
David

Abbie

Registered:
Posts: 46
 #4 
Although it won't make the pain lessen, I do hope you find some closure as to what happened.  Sometimes though, it can't always be explained.

I lost my girl in December, just before Christmas, to what they suspected was pancreatitis.  As explained to me, just as they don't know what causes it or triggers it as in appendicitis, they don't what cures it either.

We here all understand the best intentions of the well wishers "better place, etc." but I agree, the best place was here with me!

Please know you are in a safe place here and no one will judge or tell you to move on.  We will just be here!
LilBsMommy

Registered:
Posts: 4
 #5 
Thank you both so much for your kind words. I am so sorry for your losses. We got the call that Baxter’s ashes are ready to be picked up. My wife is going to bring him home after work. I know I’m not emotionally ready to go there to pick him up. I keep looking everywhere for him. I have to remind myself that there’s no timetable on grief. I have to force myself to run errands because all I want to do is sit and look at his picture and cry.
cosesmom

Registered:
Posts: 580
 #6 
Dear Baxter's mommy,
I am sorry so very sorry for your loss. I wish for you and everyone that suffers the pain and heart ache that there was some magical words or deeds that would ease or loss but I haven't found any. Letting them go is a heart ache that tears our hearts into pieces. I lost my heart dog (Termy) in September and I still grieve for him deeply. It doesn't matter if they share our lives for one year or ten or even sixteen it still hurts. I did the same thing as you I held his picture and cried and I still sleep with his favorite toy just to feel close to something he so truly loved. I too keep myself busy it helps some but I find the weekends are the worse because that's when we spent the most time together. Do anything you feel you need to do to help you during this time. Cry all you want but try to remember the good times to and smile even if the tears are falling. Baxter will hear you and send you love.
Love and doggie hugs
Termy's mom
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