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Truffle131

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Posts: 5
 #1 
Early this morning we unfortunately had to put our beautiful 12 year old Cavalier King Charles Spaniel to sleep. She had a heart murmer and was on medication for 5 years, as well as having to have a leg amputated 5 years ago due to having soft tissue cancer. She did amazing and most people never even knew she had it done.

Yesterday she suddenly deteriorated and it was like she struggled to breathe. I saw the fear in her eyes and it broke my heart, so at 2am we called the vet and made the decision...we couldn't let her suffer. Due to the coronavirus outbreak we had to say goodbye in the carpark and i wanted so badly to tell the vet to stop, but knew it was the kindest thing for her. Absolutely devastated doesn't even cover it...she was my best friend and our home feels empty.

I haven't been able to sleep since getting home and i feel physically sick and my chest hurts. I have to work from home today but i just keep zoning out and breaking down in tears whilst also feeling numb. I don't want to forget her but this pain is so much
lovemyboys

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Posts: 10
 #2 
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through, and I understand. Today is the one month anniversary of the loss of my gorgeous, loving, devoted, playful boy, who we lost at age 13. I have cried every day for the past 30 days. Unlike my other dog who has had endless health issues, he never had any real problems and then things started becoming concerning for about 9 days prior to when we had to say good-bye. Despite two full exams with bloodwork during that time, nothing was really pointing toward anything specific, and we had an ultrasound scheduled for the earliest appointment, which was 2 weeks out. We never made it to that ultrasound appointment. On his final day, he went from bounding down the stairs in the morning, to being unable to eat at all or get off the floor. We learned he had cancer in his chest that had likely started to spread elsewhere, and that the tumor was causing the lining of his heart to fill with blood, suffocating him, something that had likely started to happen only that day. We had to say good-bye. There was nothing to be done.

I have replayed that final week over, and over, and over, but I know that as awful as it was, we truly did everything. I have also replayed that day and questioned every single detail of it, but it always leads back to the horrible facts and reality that there was no avoiding this outcome. The only comfort I have and that you should have is knowing that you took care of your dog when she needed you the most. You couldn't let her suffer, and so you ultimately did the responsible and loving thing. That doesn't make the loss any easier to accept, but knowing that I am suffering instead of my boy is some solace. I wouldn't want it to be the other way around. Having to make that call is something that is difficult to come to terms with, I know.

The pain might be there for a long time. But throughout the day when you have moments of feeling numb or being able to not think about it for a bit, just embrace those moments. It doesn't mean you are forgetting her at all. It is just a reprieve from the sadness that you should take, because it comes in waves, and so when you can have a break from it, it's almost a blessing.

Truffle131

Registered:
Posts: 5
 #3 
Thank you for your message. It sounds as though your little boy had a similar thing with his heart at the end. I'm so sorry for your loss. It's so difficult to explain to others, but I describe it as a light going out.

I can't yet bare to move Lacys things and earlier today I almost felt that her spirit was lying in her bed watching me as I walked through the living room. In these uncertain times people are taking comfort in their little ones but for those of us who have lost them recently, we're locked in a house and forced to face our loss, constantly reminded of their passing by the silence where previously you'd have heard them snoring or had them lying next to you. Once the lockdown is lifted we plan to donate her beds, bowls and medicine to an animal shelter, but for now it somehow helps to see her bed with her blanket and teddies. I know she can't come back but I'm not ready to move her things - it would be like throwing her away.

I've lost interest in everything. I can't face doing any work, don't want to watch TV, don't want to read, no interest in eating...i just sit here for hours, clutching her teddy and crying, wishing for the night so that i can try and sleep through the pain..i know it's not right but it's so raw and the grief is unimaginable, but i do take some joy in talking about how cheeky she was and how much personality she had. She was more of a person than most people i know, and those moments are my saving grace right now.
goofygirlinva

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Posts: 1,191
 #4 
Hi Natalie,

First let me say I am so very sorry your precious Lacy has passed away. You are right, it is a difficult situation in normal circumstances, but with the pandemic and being restricted to our homes, it makes the pain so much worse because you are surrounded by everything that reminds you of Lacy and the fact that she is no longer here with you.

As for moving Lacy's things, I would say just keep them where they are. Don't feel a need to move them or give them away or put them away. I will say that after my Blackie passed away, I kept his bed and toys and his food and water bowls right where they were before he passed away. I did not move them until it was time to pack up my house and move into my current home. They ended up being some of the very last things I packed up on the last day I lived in that place. It was so sad to finally move them - I want to say it was over a year later that I finally moved out of the house - because it not only meant that Blackie was really gone, but it also meant I was leaving the place we lived in together for the longest time and I would not be able to return to a place that had so many wonderful memories of the life we shared.

I will also share that the first few days and weeks after Blackie passed away, I would do what you are doing - I would come home from work and I would just sit and cry, wishing Blackie was still alive and still with me. The grief was very intense and overwhelming at times. Thankfully I had my Rufus and Squeeker with me to help me get through the initial few weeks and months. It was such a blessing to have them around to care for and love.

You are right, talking about our pets does help. When you are up to it, I would love to hear some of your fondest memories of Lacy.

Until then, know you are not alone. Take care...

Kelly
Angel Blackie's mom
Angel Squeeker's mom
Mom to wonder cat and Angel cat Thomas

Truffle131

Registered:
Posts: 5
 #5 
Hi Kelly, thank you for your message. I am so sorry that you went through that...it hurts to move house as you feel like they'd think you're forgetting them. We moved house around 3 months after our Tilly passed and that was so hard to do.

For now we've left Lacys things where they were, but my mum is already talking about moving her bed "out of the way" next week. We're going on walks as she says we need to get used to going out without Lacy and coming home to see she's not here..but its heattbreaking each time. I can't yet bare to walk around the village where people know her and us so we're having to drive 5 miles or so just to be able to go out without bumping into anyone who will ask where she is just yet. On the weekend we're planning to do her favourite walk around the farmers fields but even the thought of that makes me feel sick...it's nice to go on those walks and point out her favourite places to stop for a sniff or a wee, but it's just so hard knowing how much she loved going there.

I'm pleased to have so many memories of her, but I'm alao scared of forgetting them...i don't ever, ever want to forget anything about our beautiful little girl, even if its how she used to bark when you weren't paying her attention or how she'd escape from the garden or out the cat flap. She was so naughty but also such a good girl. My nephews come around a lot (obviously they can't at the moment) and being twin boys, they're pushy and grabby. They never really paid attention to Lacy but when they did and they grabbed at her or stroked her paws she would just sit there and not react. She never so much as raised a paw at them or growled, even when they were being a pain...such a precious little girl
lovemyboys

Registered:
Posts: 10
 #6 
The lockdown is absolutely not helping anything. For the first week after my loss, I did bare minimum work (I have my own business), and spent the rest of the time in bed, crying. My eyes were nearly swollen shut. When the restrictions happened, I do believe that it made things worse for me. It was so difficult to be trapped in a house of memories with no option of distraction. Taking a walk leads only to more tears that he is not on that walk with me. In a normal situation, there would be an option of getting your mind off things for a bit, away from the sadness. It would be a choice. This certainly isn't helping those of us who are grieving a loss. And I have felt very angered by those who take to social media, claiming gratitude for being surrounded by their whole families during this time, when I am only reminded of a loss.

My suggestion would be to just ride things out and take it day by day. One day you might have a few hours where you feel good enough to watch a movie, or a desire to take your mind off things. Another day you might not have any moments like that. There is no timeline and each person grieves in their own way. I spent many days and even weeks still feeling my boy's presence, hearing him in the house, knowing exactly what he would be doing in that moment. This still happens, and at first I thought it was denial but now I think it is because he was such a huge part of my life, and I knew him so well, that he is still a part of me. Lucy will always be with you, and it's okay to keep it that way.

Truffle131

Registered:
Posts: 5
 #7 
I absolutely agree - he was a huge part of your life and he will always be with you.
I do believe that their spirits can come and visit us - I've had a few experiences with our dog Tilly in the few years after she passed where I would swear on my life she was there with me. It was always at night, but others in the house had the same feeling on the same nights too. One time I saw her and distinctly remember her saying to me "I can't keep coming back. I'm tired." I was devastated but I feel like that was her way of telling me that I had to let her go. My mum is far more into spirituality than I am, and she told me last week that she'd felt Tilly there in the night with two other dogs of friends who have passed away in the last 12 months or so - she said that there was a 4th dog who she thought was our Lacy saying to her "you can't hold me anymore" and within a week Lacy had passed on. 
Last night for just a second I felt that Lacy was lying in my arms, although I know it's far too soon for that - it was just my imagination.

I know a lot of people won't believe in this, but it gives me great comfort to think that they could visit if they wanted to.
I hope that this doesn't offend anyone, but I figure that if it's not hurting anyone else and if it helps you move through the grief there's no problem with believing it.

Yesterday was absolutely horrible - I was in tears almost all day and it seemed like the minutes dragged, nevermind the hours, but yesterday was our first full day without her. Today has been marginally better in that I've been able to think about doing a course - not so far as doing any work but just committing to buying one. There's still so many tears, and they will be there for a long time to come, but when I do have these moments of feeling okay I feel so guilty afterwards - why should I find any happiness at this time when my little girl isn't here anymore? Things like watching a film are way out of my remit at the moment - I can't even bring myself to eat or drink. I just look at her pictures and try to tell her how incredibly loved she was.

The one thing I keep telling myself is that she must have known how much she was loved. When we took her to the vet he sedated her in the carpark and inserted a catheter into her leg. The sedative must have been very strong as when he gave her back to my mum, she didn't try to wriggle or move at all...but after a minute or so she moved her head and gave my mum a big lick up her cheek - I think this was her saying goodbye or thank you. She then dropped her head back and looked me right in the eyes for what felt like a minute before moving her head back up to rest on my mums chest - I can only imagine how much effort these things must have been for her under sedation and hope that this was her saying goodbye and that she wanted to go.

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