Registered: 1286937987 Posts: 9
Hi everyone..this is my first time here but I really needed to share my story with people who truly understand the special bond that you have with your pets..I wanted to share my story of love and now grief..when I was just 17, my father suddenly passed away with a massive heart attack at 43 years of age..to say I was shocked and devastated would be an understatement..feeling so lost and alone, my mother decided I could get a kitten..I was overjoyed..I'd always had cats my whole life but never one that I was responsible for..so off I went..my friend had this litter if kitties so I went to look..there before me were the last two kittens..my heart just melted..not wanting to choose one or the other, I begged for both..and then began a beautiful journey of love and devotion..Muffy and Fluffy were their names..they had the best of everything..in 2003, I decided I wanted to save two more kittens from the local shelter..two little girls to add to my two little boys..Misty and trixie were the names I chose for them..I was in heaven..we all travelled together, curled up in bed, played and shared so many memories..I had my own little family..last year at a ripe old age of 17, I noticed fluffy wasn't doing so well, and I had to say goodbye..I rubbed his little head and watched him take his last breath and said goodbye, mommy loves you..I cried for weeks..everytime I took out the pet bowls, three instead of four, my heart ached..as time went on I learned to adjust I guess..for a year and a few months, we all did pretty good..but his brother, Muffy started to succomb to his senior years..for about 2 months or so, I stayed at home and gave him palliative care..many late nights making sure he was. Getting all he needed..but I realized the time had come to say goodbye..I struggled so much with the decision..I mourned him. Long before the dreadful day..but he was suffering and it broke my heart..so, two weeks ago I brought him in, held his face and stroked his head, looked in his eyes and said goodbye..I was so devastated..my two little boys were gone..that night as I held his blanket, I noticed one of my girls, misty was looking ill..I thought maybe she was just feeling tired but she slowly got worse..I said to god, you aren't really going to let another one of my cats get sick on the very day I lost another? Distraught, grieving and now worried, I brought her to the vet the next morning..after a bunch of tests, the vet looked at me with a grim expression and said"your kitty is critically ill" well, it felt like time stood still..trying to make sense of it wasn't going to matter..I had to get her admitted to the hospital..I drove with her in my car for four hours to make it back where I live to have her admitted..she became jaundiced in the car and I was a wreck..no time to grieve losing muffy..now I was living a new nightmare..I couldn't eat or sleep and spent every allowable moment with her..after several days on I.V fluids she started coming around..the vet said she was diabetic and possibly had pAncreatites..but she will most likely be okay with commitment from me to forcefeed her to get her liver working right and needles twice a day..okay I thought, whatever it takes for my girl..I got her home and pampered and loved her and followed the vets orders..I noticed though after a couple of days she looked worse not better..I called the vet twice and she assured me it was fine..but on the third day, wednesday,exactly one week after I lost my boy, she got really sick and I watched her collapse..thinking she was having a hypoglacemic episode I grabbed the syrup and put it in her mouth but it didn't work..I wrapped her up in a blanket and raced to my car and watched her die in my arms before I got there..being in complete shock and denial, I put her on the seat, turned on my emergency lights and raced to the hospital..but she was gone..as I sat in the room with my beautiful 7 year old baby, I couldn't breath, speak or communicate..I thought it was just a nightmare and I'd wake up any second..but it was real..I've been inconsolable ever since..my home is so empty..losing two of my babies in one week? How do you come back from that? How could this world be so cruel? The autopsy I requested said she had a severe case of pancreas disease that she must of had for years..I am riddin with guilt.I feel like I failed her..I always gave my cats the world, I always kept them safe and made sure nothing would ever harm them..they had babysitters and special food that each of them liked..toys, their own bedroom, their own bird cd collection..and yet, I failed her..she never seemed sick, she was always active and playing and eating..but I just feel like I should have known..I'm so heartsick..I just don't know how to stop the tears, the pain and the guilt..now its just me and trixie left..I'm just so heartbroken...
Registered: 1274244361 Posts: 893
I am sooo sorry for your losses. Of course you did everything you could. Remember, animals hide illnesses- so you wouldn't have known until it was too late. That is very common. Of course you are going to blame yourself and think "what if", but to me-it sounds like you did everything right to try to help your friend.
You are a great mom.
Registered: 1216863874 Posts: 18
I am so sorry for what you are going through. We are sharing a similar pain. Just over a month ago, I lost five cats to a terrible virus, one after the other. The medicines did nothing, it was like a super-virus that I could not stop. One of my cats would die but there was no time to mourn because another still needed care. You did not fail your cats. Just the opposite, it sounds like you are an attentive, loving person who takes excellent care of your cats. Please go a little easier on yourself. Animals speak to us in many ways but they have yet to find a way to tell us "I think I have pancreas disease." Yes, this hurts something fierce. Yes, the house seems empty and lonely now. Go ahead and cry. Get those tears out and mourn the loss of your friends. There is nothing wrong with how you feel. It seems impossible now, but in time, your tears will slow and then stop and you will be able to see the situation with fresh eyes. You will see that you gave those cats a wonderful life in their time on earth. Personally, what gives me strength to go on is that I have other cats that need my care. I take comfort in the idea that my beloved cats and I will be reunited in heaven and until that day, I strive to help animals here on earth. Please take care of yourself and keep in touch.
Registered: 1287010490 Posts: 4
I am so sorry...please take comfort in knowing others around the nation are sharing tears with you. All of our sweet kitties will play together in heaven.
Registered: 1286937987 Posts: 9
Thanks everyone for your kind words, they really mean a lot. Being able to share this with people who truly understand makes me feel a little hope. DebraS, I can't even imagine losing five cats in a month, that is so tragic and sad. You are tremendous for being so strong, and to turn your pain into faith an d helping others such as me is so commendable. I truly appreciate it. It is very hard for me right now, I have good days and bad, but I pray in time that I can find the strength and faith to exist without the pain and only smile with my memories.
Registered: 1216863874 Posts: 18
And thank-you in return Misty, for your compliments. Yes, I suppose that I am being strong. It feels good to be told that, since I often doubt myself.
One thing I do know is that I found Petloss.com about 10 years ago after my lovely little calico named PeaceFlower suddenly died. I was just as you are now, wondering if I would ever stop crying and the only reason I got out of bed was to take care of the other cats. Time will help. Having experienced the heartbreak of losing a pet and knowing that in time, we can stop seeing only the end of our pet's life and focus more on the good times, I am glad to offer comfort and assurance to others. You are in my thoughts. Please take care of yourself with good food and water. Stress takes a lot out of us. Keep in touch as you are able.
Registered: 1279850525 Posts: 282
You sound like a truly caring and attentive Mom. You did absolutely nothing wrong and did not fail your babies. I know how it is, to beat yourself up about everything. My little dog died at 4 yrs old, in July. He began to show small symptoms only 5 days before he died and the vet could not detect the problem and then we went back again to the vet the day he died, and he sent us home without a proper diagnosis. It's all so much to bear. I thought that I should have seen something, should have suspected something critical. But it's true, they hide their illness. I know how it is to long for the days when things were endlessly fun and easy - we also used to all pile into the bed together and travel around the city in our van, carefree and one big happy-go-lucky family. Now we have only one dog and one cat left, and we are trying to find our way back to those happy times. But it's not easy. I am positive that we will be reunited with them one day. And that's something to be truly thankful for. You did all that you could do. Try not to doubt that. You loved them and you showed it by giving them a fantastic life.