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iheartdierks

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Posts: 20
 #1 
On September 6 I lost my little angel.  He was a beautiful grey and white cat that I adopted in 2010 the day before Valentine's Day. He was so sweet and pretty much only took up with me.  He ended up having what we think was an auto immune disease attacking his red and white blood cells...which must have started happening at the end.  A year ago his vet noticed a little something off with his platelets but did further testing and didn't think it was to be concerned with. My little guy had gingivitis/stomatitis a year ago and some food allergies which we treated and he had been doing fine. (The testing done after he passed showed no blood marrow cancer or Leukemia so it's thought he had an autoimmune disease that at that point started attacking the bone marrow.)
I am really struggling with feeling I could have done more. I've been so upset crying all the time and feeling guilty.  I wish I could go back in time. We took him to the vet Tuesday and he died Thursday morning..I had to do euthanasia because he couldn't get up and was crying out.  It has been a total shock to my system and doesn't seem real.  I work from home and he would lay on my lap or under the desk. I have all these memories and it is so hard. I have tons of pics and videos of him on Instagram. I instantly connected with this beautiful cat.  He was so special. I just don't know how to get through this. Does anyone struggle with the fact they should have seen signs or think they should have done something differently?  This is the most devastating situation I've been in. Thank you for listening and your help. 
Ghatten

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Posts: 1,821
 #2 
with ever one of them. We lost our Maynard (Mackerel Tabby) to an auto immune disorder - it started as what presented as anemia - and we did try everything. Transfusion are supposed to be spaced out - so not very frequent - toward the end his were several times a day! We finally started seeing a response to treatment only then it seemed as soon as one issue started to respond another would arise. In the end they called it a cascading autoimmune disorder and said they had nothing else to try. I wonder if we (and I feel this way with several of the babies we have lost through the years) did too much - in the end we lost the battle and the last weeks were spent in a med kennel away from home. Did my desire to find a cure just rob them of that last bit of time at home? Some I feel as you do - did I miss something, could I have done more? In the end we are going to feel guilt no matter - that is just part of grief. Be kind to yourself and try to remember that you did the best you knew to do and did everything you did out of love. Your baby knows this.
iheartdierks

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Posts: 20
 #3 
Thank you so much for your message. It is helpful to hear from someone whose baby had what sounds like a similar condition mine.  I'm sorry for your loss. You definitely did all you could to help him.  With Dierks, the vet gave me a couple options, take him to the ICU for a transfusion, cortisone or antibiotic shots to see if it suppresses his immune system or let him go. I chose the shots and now am kicking myself for not rushing him to the ICU. I feel so stupid for waiting here thinking the shot would kick in...it all happened so fast...I keep trying to remind myself for whatever reason it happened the way it did.  
Simones_Dad

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Posts: 8
 #4 
You are definitely not alone in your feelings as to "was there anymore that you could of done". All of us feel that way and it's had to convince ourselves otherwise, regardless of how our little ones Rainbow Bridge journey started.

Just remember that you loved your little one with all your heart and you would of never done anything to hurt him/her and they know it. Take time to grieve and remember the good times you had with Dierks.
iheartdierks

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Posts: 20
 #5 
Thank you.  It has helped me so much to visit this forum and to realize all of my emotions are normal.  I really appreciate the support. 
iheartdierks

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Posts: 20
 #6 
Simone's Dad, I meant to say in my last post that I'm sorry for your loss. I know you loved your little one so much. 
Simones_Dad

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Posts: 8
 #7 
Thanks iheartdierks. She was my little girl and stuck to me like glue. Everywhere I'd go in the house she was there right beside me. Not having that anymore gives the house that empty feeling but everyday it gets a little better. At least now I don't get up and start to go look for her because she's not in the same room as I am.

As I've mentioned in other posts, talking about our little ones does help in the grieving process because it means we are not alone in our sadness and we can all relate to one another unlike talking to someone who's not really an animal lover.

A bright spot in my day is the little stray that I feed at breakfast and dinner. That and a friendly little orange guy from a couple doors down that comes over once a day, who even comes inside for a moment or two. It helps take the empty house feeling away when he comes over.

Stay strong and give yourself all the time you need to grieve.
iheartdierks

Registered:
Posts: 20
 #8 
Simones_Dad, sounds like Simone was a companion kitty. You're right, everyday is a little better.  I'm glad to hear you have a stray and a little orange guy visiting.  I have other cats in the house but wow what a difference it has made with Dierks gone.  My routine has completely changed..I used to feed him 3 times a day since he was on special food. I keep staring at the spots he would sleep in which are in my bedroom and office.  It's very hard to look at his pics but I do daily. I have videos of him...It's odd that I snapped so many of him having no idea I was going to lose him so soon.  I was so crazy over this little guy.  My thoughts lately keep getting stuck on I have so many years to live without him, without holding him..wow it's hard.
Simones_Dad

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Posts: 8
 #9 
She was a companion kitty alright. During the morning hours she would follow me into my computer room and jump up on her cushion that's on my computer desk, during TV time she was in one of 3 places, the foot stool, my lap or mostly on my chest. At bedtime she was right beside me and was even under the covers with me during the cooler months curled up purring away. When I was making myself something to eat she'd be laying in the kitchen no more than 4 ft away. I had to constantly watch to make sure I wouldn't trip over her. Then there were the times that were spent in the bathroom. LOL. Never further than an arms length away when I was in the house. Which is pretty much all the time.

I'm glad you still have other little ones around. They may not be Dierks, but they still need you and right now you need them. I setup one of those digital photo frames and put images from all my little ones on it and it too helps. I get a little more emotional when Simone's images come up but it's only coming up a week since her journey over the Rainbow Bridge so that's to be expected.

No "new" little one will ever replace what we have lost but then they shouldn't have to. We make a new bond with them and then let their little personalities warm our hearts.

iheartdierks

Registered:
Posts: 20
 #10 
They are just so special. I love hearing how much everyone loved their pets. The digital photo frame is a good idea and I think I'm going to get one as well since I have so many photos.  I have a cremation necklace that I had engraved for him but couldn't open his ashes...I looked but didn't disturb..not sure I can do it.  It's been 2 weeks exactly today and it's still so hard.  
iheartdierks

Registered:
Posts: 20
 #11 
This Thursday will be four weeks. I miss my baby boy so much.  I am still experiencing so much shock and disbelief. I guess because I didn't get to watch him grow old and it was so sudden.  I don't think it was fair his life was cut short. He loved his home, loved the other kitties. He was absolutely a little angel. I'm so sad that I have so many years left to go without him. This is SO hard and I really pray his spirit is out there. I don't want this to be the end for Dierks.    

Below is a picture of my little guy.

[IMG_8675]
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