Registered: 1536692759 Posts: 17
We took Penny in from a couple who was dog sitting her and her owner never returned in September 2014. At that time her name was Margo but because of her copper color we decided Penny was a better match. We had a very strong feeling that Penny had been abused. She was scared of everything.. especially men. Penny and our schnauzer mix Paisley were inseparable.. though we didn't know how old Penny was we assumed she was around 2 or 3 when we got her. They would play all day,snuggle at night and do it all again the next morning.
Fast forward a few months .. my husband and I woke up out of a dead sleep to our two girls tearing into each other. Paisley our schnauzer had a cut on her leg. After that first fight the fights became more frequent every couple of months they would tear into each other and it would take me and my husband tearing them apart. Penny outweighed Paisley by around 35 or 40 pounds. We never knew what would set them off to fight. Sometimes Paisley would start it, sometimes Penny. When it was quite or when there was something exciting happening. Penny started to become closer to me. She didn't like when the other dogs would get near me and she didn't like when strangers would come to the house if I was home. That's when the biting started. Penny would sneak around and bite people in the back of the legs when they came to visit our home. Because of that Penny had to be put up when we had visitors. She was starting to lose patience with our son and whenever he would come near and she was around she would growling at him. In summer 2016 the worst fight between the girls happened. I was at home my husband was outside doing yard work. He heard the dogs barking and growling and are small dog Paisley yelping. He ran inside to see Penny holding Paisley by the neck shaking her and would not let her go. After minutes he broke them apart, rushing Paisley to the vet. This fight resulted in Paisley having 25 Staples across her chest and stitches all the way across her throat up to her ear. We were at a loss we love both of our dogs but hated the way things have become. At this time our son was a newborn and all we could think about was what if he was on the floor when they decided to fight again. What if he was in the middle of it. Between 2016 and 2018 our girls had fought probably another 10 times with Paisley always getting hurt and Penny becoming more aggressive each fight. Her goal was to kill Paisley. In July 2018 on our son's 2nd birthday another fight happened This time Penny went for Paisley's leg shaking her and would not let go. After multiple vet visits,antibiotics and x-rays Paisley just started walking on her leg again at the end of August. On Sunday night I came home from work around 11:30. My husband opened the door to let the dogs out to greet me like he always did. In a blink of an eye Penny and Paisley were fighting again. My husband was trying everything to get Penny to let go of Paisley. She wouldn't budge. After 5 minutes of screaming and trying to pull the dogs off of each other Penny finally let go. It was so dark outside we couldn't see where Paisley was bleeding from. We call our emergency vet and hurried into town with our 2 dogs. We took Paisley in so the vet could see her. Penny had ahold of Paisley so hard that Paisley's bone in the roof of her mouth was broken beyond repair. They prepped Paisley for surgery. It took a long walk back to the car where Penny was waiting on the kennel. I put her leash on her purple polka dot color and took her inside the vet. The only decision we had at that point was to let Penny go. The idea of rehoming her was always number one but she couldn't be trusted with anyone besides me. Penny was my dog she was by my side at all times and didn't want anyone else around her. I am filled with so much guilt and regret for the decision that we made that night. I have cried all day and night for the last 3 days nothing is making me feel at ease about this decision. No matter how many times people tell me that it was the right thing to do. I hate myself for doing that to her and I miss her every second of the day. I held her as the vet gave her sedation to make her calm. And all I could do was apologize to her and tell her "I'm so sorry I'm so sorry" her head was soaked with tears. I have never felt this type of guilt in my life. I'm not doing okay with this decision. I try to tell myself "It could have been our son. He could have been in the middle." The worst part of all of this is that she was so sweet to me. Her and I were bonded from day one I feel as if I complete betrayed her. I don't know if I could ever forgive myself.
Registered: 1157161163 Posts: 1,821
Sadly there are times we simply cannot help our precious furbabies defeat the demons, all we can do is set them free so they can find peace (the demons cannot enter paradise) - just as there are times no matter how hard we try we cannot cure physical illness - we have seen your story before. Know you have done all that could be done and more than many would have. She has been given a precious gift - freedom from the demons that tortured him. The truth is Penny was sick - no, not a physical ailment that could be seen this time - but still sick. And as with some physical ailments, some mental ailments cannot be successfully treated. You set her free. Even when we free our beloved companions from catastrophic physical ailments like end stage cancer we often go through feeling that same way, it is normal. Guilt is very often the 1st steps on grief’s path, the what ifs and if onlys are simply our grief tormenting us. When we loose these precious souls why really doesn't matter - love is a shared bond and when that bond seems severed it hurts. But your baby will be with you always - free of the aggression she could not control - simply in a form you cannot see. You gave her a safe place and you love her - and it sounds like you have really really tried. Many would have given up on her after 1 incident, you and your family gave her a lifetime of love and care in her time with you then allowed a dignified good-bye allowing her to leave with dignity surrounded by love.. Please know you did try and in the end had no real choice - what were her options? Life in a cage? Intervention 'on the spot' by the authorities when things got too out of control? Someone scarred and her death happening at the hands of someone trying to stop her? An end that likely would not have been with ones who love her or care if she is frightened? You gave her a wonderful life where elsewhere she may have only known abuse, and gave her every chance you could and you tried to give her a home where she would be safe. When she passed to the hands of the angels it was be from love to love, they carried her to a place where she is free of the demons that made her aggressive and at that instant she understood that you acted out of love and compassion. She is free and happy. Please know all you are feeling right now is normal and no matter what the circumstances is what we have all felt. I am so very sorry for your loss. Know we are here for you and your family. Sadly, we have seen this tale before and we do understand and we know sometimes there is no choice. When you can please share a photo. I feel certain there are so many wonderful memories with her, and sharing those sometimes helps. And if you just need someone to sit by your side - well you now belong to a family that circles the globe.
It seemed the day was even grayer than even the greyest of days. The pup found she was suddenly at the edge of the most beautiful place she had ever seen. She could still feel Mom and Dad's tears, hear their sobs. "I'm so sorry Mom and Dad, I really did try but the demons are too strong and sometimes they pushed through." She lowered her head and began to walk away, to be sure she did not deserve to be someplace so lovely. A radiant being in white suddenly stood in her path, surrounded by many other pups of all sizes and breeds. "Please," she implored, "I don't want to, but if you stay near me sooner or later the demons will win and I may hurt one of you. I don't want to hurt anyone, its best if I just go." The radiant being just smiled at her - a soft compassionate smile, at that moment they reminded her of her Mom and Dad. "I let them down so many times, I didn't want the demons to win but sometimes they do. And I left them no choice, I let them down and hurt them yet again." Hero, Seabreeze, Heather, Charlie, Molly, John, Stashie, Hershey, Samson, Morgan, Niko, Jordan, Timber, Dixie, Buddy, Tina, Snickers, Dizzy, Harley, Jack, Kimmi, Sammy, Fender, Tosca, Bruno, tried to gather around the newcommer but she backed away. Seabreeze stepped forward, "We won't hurt you little one." She looked to the radiant being and whimpered, "Please make them leave. I don't want to hurt anyone else." Now the radiant being smiled and actually seemed amused. "Little One, reach within. Can you feel that? Can you feel the demons are gone?" The little one got quiet and after a moment looked up in amazement, "They ARE gone!!" Then she looked at the others around her, "But I've done so many bad things, I don't deserve nice friends. I don't deserve to be in such a wonderful place." Now the others all looked amused. Dizzy spoke up first, "We all felt that way at first." Slowly Dizzy's words filtered in. "You mean . . . ., I am not the only one?" she asked quietly. Tina pushed to the front, "Of course not, all our humans had to make that same choice as yours. But now you're free - the demons are gone." The Little one thought on Tina's words. "What about Mom and Dad? Can I let them know I am free, that I'm sorry?" At that moment all the others grew quiet, the Little One looked to the radient being and realized they were gone. She looked to the rest afraid their silence meant no. Just then a large silver wolf walked up to her, she knew she should fear a wolf, yet, somehow knew she could trust The Silver One. "Have you all finished monopolizing her time yet? If you are done she still needs to be shown the reflection pond, to be shown . . " Just then the Little One heard a familiar sound, her Mom and Dad. "They are here?" she asked, and she followed the sound. She found herself by the clearest crystal pond, and when she looked into the pond she saw her Mom and Dad." Concentrate on them, Little One. Send your love and thanks to them - from your heart to theirs - and they will feel your love." the Silver One said gently. As she watched her Mom and Dad seemed to calm even thought they were still crying, and her Mom looked up at her Dad, "She is at peace now wrapped in our love." The Little One looked at the Silver One and the others, "Thank You." The Silver One looked at the others and back at her, "You can see them anytime you wish from here. The others will show you how to send them your love, Little One." (c) Candace 11/13/09 All too often people do not want to discuss this type loss, so those who experience making the decision due to aggression issues feel they are alone. All the names of the other ones are real – Fur angels we have seen at PetLoss because their parents had to make that sad decision due to aggression issues. i am sure there are other names also - newer names and names I have accidentally left out. We understand - know that you had no choice and we understand that you are in pain. But your fur child will be with the other fur angels - free of the demons he fought against so hard. ghattenwolf
Registered: 1536692759 Posts: 17
She loved me with every ounce of her being and all I can think of is how I blind-sided her. I feel sick all day every day. I find myself sitting next to her grave sobbing and telling her how sorry I am. I am completely lost and feel so much guilt.
Registered: 1536542803 Posts: 26
I am so very, very sorry for the loss of your beloved Penny. That must’ve been so incredibly traumatic for you.
I think many of us carry guilt when we have to make the decision to let our much loved furry ones go. Even when they are old, or in pain, or there really isn’t any other choice. I think it’s because we are interfering with the natural way of things that we feel that way. But sometimes the natural way of things is cruel and very unkind....and that’s why we do it. For the love of our beautiful pets. I’ve had to make the decision to interfere for all but one of my babies. And every time I struggle afterwards with remorse and doubts. I have also had to make a similar decision to you. I had to put my 5 year old and 2 year old dogs, Kaia and Brute, to sleep for attacking sheep. I also know what it’s like to have a dog with aggression problems. It is incredibly, incredibly stressful. One of the things that may help you is going back to the reasons why you made the decision. Try to focus on that and not the reasons that you are telling yourself you shouldn’t have. You made this decision out of love, you really, really did. I know what you mean when you say it doesn’t help when people say you did the right thing. It doesn’t matter what other people think, because it’s about what you think, and right now you are beating yourself up. Honey, this is so fresh and raw for you now. I have some idea of the pain you are feeling because I am grieving too for the loss of our beautiful cat Matrix 3 days ago. I can’t eat or sleep at the moment. You can read about that if you want under another thread on here that I’ve posted. You will get through this. You will. I know it hurts. I know it hurts so bad. Try and be kind to yourself. There is absolutely no doubt about how much you loved Penny and you would never do anything to hurt her. But what you did was protect her and keep her safe by doing what you did. That’s love. Sending you a hug and much love. Xxx
Registered: 1536692759 Posts: 17
Thank you for your kind words. I knew this would be hard but i didn't realize I would carry so much guilt and regret. She was the one who would wake up with me in the morning, snuggle all night and gave the best kisses. I will miss her forever. I'm so sorry for the loss of your cat Matrix. I'm sure you gave Matrix a beautiful life.