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ataloss2019

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Posts: 3
 #1 
I lost my baby Marvin November 30, 2019.  He was 19.  I loved him so very much, and am having real issues with the last days of his life.  He had been doing what i thought was fine, although i did notice him having a harder time getting around.  He was arthritic, so i attributed it to that.  I was going to take him into vet for yearly visit this week or next.  Then Thanksgiving morning, he was drooling and a little unsteady.  No office anywhere was open.  We had to go to my parents, 3 hours away.  They are older, and were moving, and needed our help.  I went.  I should have stayed.  We came home the very next early afternoon, and he was about the same, a little worse.  Again, vet was closed.  He was in his bed by my chair.  I put a movie on softly, kept everyone quiet, and stayed in there with him until 1 am, he got up a few times and attempted to walk around, but when went back to his bed.  At one point he laid on floor and i laid beside him talking to him, telling how much i loved him.  he stretched out his paw to me and i held it.  Then i went to bed.  The next day, same thing.  I called vet as soon as it opened and brought him in, put him down in our front yard for a sec hoping he would perk up (he loved to go outside, but i only let him supervised this last year) but he did not.  He sat on my daughter's lap on way to vet.  He tried to look out window and was probably upset.  I knew, but still hoped.  The vet confirmed that he was beyond help, and that it was probably organ failure.  He has been in vet's before for liver disease.  I took him back and held him in blanket in my arms.  Then vet took him and put catheter in, brought him back, and i held him while she ended his precious life.  There wasn't enough time.  I know it was the right thing to do.  I don't doubt that, i don't think....but i didn't handle it well.  I wasn't prepared....for him.  I didn't take the right amount of time.  Does anyone else feel this way about the end of their pet's life?  Is this normal?  I can't seem to get over it.  The grief is awful, but i understand that.  But this, this is just sickening.  And i can't tell him i'm sorry.  I should have stayed home.  I should have carried him up to my bed.  I should have held him longer.  ugh.  sorry this is so verbose.....i just need to get it all out of me.
grievingmom

Registered:
Posts: 640
 #2 
I feel this way about ending my pet lives. On the day I took my 16 year old do to the vet, I had no clue she was going to be euthanized. 16 years is a long time and she was my soul mate. I was hyterical and I fully understand your anguish.

Yes, it is normal to be upset.

I am so sorry for you. This really hurts.

Stephanie
KOkristin

Registered:
Posts: 16
 #3 
Thank you for sharing your story ataloss2019. I'm sorry you're going through this. I had similar feelings after my Pumpkin passed. I still wish I had held him longer before I buried him, but I felt rushed because my parents had company over that day. I held him for a few minutes before burying him, but I often think of those moments and wish I had held on longer... much longer. My Pumpkin was almost 19 when he died too, so now that he's gone it's a big adjustment. Not only is he gone, but my routine in taking care of him is gone too. After he died, I kept his water dish filled for several weeks, because it felt normal to have his dish there, and it's the last thing that he had any appetite for. Even after I put his dish away the first time, I had a really hard time feeling normal day to day. Having that small piece of routine helped to let me feel like I had a grasp on something. Some form of control. So eventually I set his water dish down again for a few more weeks before I was filling it less and less often, and felt like I was ready to let go of that routine. I'm still not ready to let go of other things, but little by little I'm finding a new normal. It's been just over six months for me now, and I still have work to do to get through the pain of it all. I have more good days than bad now though, so let yourself feel the bad days whenever you can. Eventually there will be less of them, but it's important to let yourself feel the pain, so you can get through it. I tend to have good days after a really bad one, so I allow myself to wallow sometimes, knowing that I tend to feel better afterwards. 
mrsyikester

Registered:
Posts: 4
 #4 
I feel the same. I didn't say goodbye long enough- I should have held her. It was so quick. At least she was home with me. I just figured we'd have time before I had to take her in to be put to sleep but she died this morning. Very quickly. I too feel guilt I didn't do more- like I took a vacation two weeks ago, and wish I'd stayed home and spent more time with her, even though I didn't realize she'd be dying. And the last thing I did for her, for force her medicine on her. I wouldn't have done that if I knew she was dying. Hope she knew how much I loved her and how very much she is missed. I like what other poster said, there will be a new normal- but nothing will be the same without her. She was my cuddle bug. I miss her 
ataloss2019

Registered:
Posts: 3
 #5 
Thank you.  It helps to know I'm not alone, although I wish you didn't have to go through it as well.
I'm taking it one day at a time, some days are better than others.  
Still feels like a nightmare, unreal.  

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