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puppiesarepeopletoo

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Posts: 3
 #1 

Does anyone else feel this way? Like you were sure your heart would stop, or you'd go insane, or simply cease to exist after losing them? 

Leading up to any loss, I've always had physical symptoms, usually pain or pressure in my chest--or recently, when my puppy was hospitalized and going downhill, I temporarily lost my vision. Then when it's official, and they're gone, I feel like the wind's been knocked out of me, and a strange, pained wailing I didn't even know I was capable of escapes my throat. I think I'll die I'm in so much unbelievable pain.

But I don't. I keep moving through life, slower and foggier than usual. I don't sleep well, I toss and turn, I alternate between waking up soaked in sweat, or shivering. I have no interest in food. It's exhausting to take care of myself, but I somehow barely manage. I go out into the world completely numb. I wonder how I'm still walking around in a reality where they no longer exist.

Death, to me, just seems so unnatural. You don't get used to it. Each one feels just as hard or harder than the last, and each one reopens those old wounds that never ever manage to heal.

Miasmomma

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Posts: 11
 #2 
Yes. I feel very much that way. I walk around in a fog and I watch people keep living their normal lives wondering how they can be so happy. I just want to scream "Don't you know what I'm going through? Don't you know how I feel?". But no, of course they don't. This is MY loss to deal with. And it's excruciating right now. I'm finding it hard to leave the house, but I know I have to. The instant I walk out the door I feel lost, lonely, vulnerable. But the idea of going back home, of walking through that front door and not hearing her amazing, happy "YAY you're home" bark is killing me, too. It feels like there's no safe and happy place to exist anymore. The grief and guilt is overwhelming. It just hits me like a wave and I instantly feel weak, sick and like I can't breathe. Everywhere I look, something reminds me of her and the wave hits me all over again... like a ton of bricks burying me alive. I want SO badly for this to just stop. I don't want to feel sad, scared and alone. :(

Grief is a cold, unrelenting pain in the ass. It's brutal and unforgiving. But it is the price that we pay for love. The greater the love, the greater the grief. And really, is there any love greater than the one you share with your furry soul mate? I have two other dogs, and I love them dearly. But my bond was with my Mia. Our connection was so obvious and so amazing. And because of that, the grief is immeasurable.

I wish I had words to make you feel better. I wish there was something that could be said that would just wrap you in comfort and warmth. But the truth is that it's something we all have to walk through, feel, and let time heal for us. There's no escaping the process, no matter how much you want to. All we can do is keep trying and sharing and leaning on the people that understand. I know it's easier said than done.
marcyzombi3

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Posts: 10
 #3 
Puppiesarepeopletoo,

Yes life feels so odd. You wonder how can you continue to go to work and hang out with friends and family when you have such a void in your heart. Just know that you’re not alone. We are all here because we need that extra support and to know we’re not alone in our grief.
Karmacat

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Posts: 115
 #4 
Puppiesarepeopletoo

What you have written so accurately mirrors my experience when I lost my cat Karma. The visceral pain from the loss, the fear and panic I felt as I wondered if I would survive the experience. And to have it happen day after day for months on end. Like you, a me I didn't recognise emitted groans, moans, sobs and cusses... I also screamed for help and shouted out my despair to my empty room and the universe..

Death happens all the time, but like you said, the unnaturalness of it really struck home when my cat passed. Life itself seems strange, like we are all in some strange futile play. But on the flip side, the experience also taught me about a pure love for another being...
Sunriseview1

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Posts: 9
 #5 
Thanks so much for sharing puppiesarepeopletoo

I feel so numb as well sometimes I think i can't go on. Im trying to stay strong so I can meet my love Roxy at the bridge but things just aren't the same without her I can't even function. My only hope is consuling and reading your posts and support from one another.
KatKat

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Posts: 164
 #6 
I feel like I am just going through the motions to eat, prepare for work, get through work, interact with friends and family.  For the most part I am avoiding having to carry on conversations with people other than for work because it's so exhausting.  My stomach is constantly in knots, I'm crying all the time and I'm exhausted and feel like I'm in a fog.  My guilt is immense, my heart aches and I am so angry with myself because I just can't imagine what I was thinking at the time that I allowed things to transpire.  I miss my kitten so much and I'm just so sorry.
Napalmakita66

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Posts: 91
 #7 
Maybe death seems so odd to us because we really don't know what it is. I've never met anyone that died and I can't recall the experience myself. What is it..outs a word we all use to describe when the criteria we use to define life are moo longer there...but we're still using a word that is being any of our experience..we don't know what death is.
I remember last week, when my big beautiful boy was wheeled in lying on that table, my brain couldn't really absorb what was happening. He was gone..that energy and amazing personality he had want there anymore. There was still a big, muscular, furry Akita..but I kept asking.. where did HE go?
I feel your sorrow..I'm lonely and broken without my boy by side. It's so quiet and empty. I think his soul..his life..is rocketing through the universe..glowing and full of bliss. All the love he had goes on and I feel it every time I think of him.
Hang in there my friend. I was thinking today about how many events I've been through where I thought this was the hardest thing I've been through on my life. Well, I'm still here. I made it through those times and I'll get through this. Not alone..but with wonderful people like those on this board. Thank you for sharing and I wish everyone the best.
KatKat

Registered:
Posts: 164
 #8 
I also think about where our beloved pets go.  I can't imagine our souls going somewhere and our pets or other animal life not being there.  My brain is still not fully absorbing everything, I know what happen but some of it is a blurr.  I know there's still other heartaches ahead for many different reasons but when you feel like something could have been prevented I think it makes everything seem worse.  I'm glad I found this message board, don't know where I would be over the past few days if I hadn't been able to reach out and then also to receive back.  Let's me feel like I can breathe a little.  I also wish everyone the best.
Napalmakita66

Registered:
Posts: 91
 #9 
2 weeks ago tonight I lost my little man. Words aren't enough. Glad I have a place to share.
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