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MyLittleOneIsGone

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Posts: 120
 #81 
Hello My Little One,

I am again, missing you.  I'm trying not to send you sad vibes. I don't want you to be sad wherever you are.  Your brothers have been quieter since we are missing you. You were the pack leader. You were energetic, crazy, and loved to tease your brother, Leroy. He misses you. I see it in his face. Parker, you brought out the spunk in him. Now Leroy seems to be going back in his shell.  I feel bad for him. I hope you can send him a sign and let him know you are watching over him.  I remember when you would groom him. It made Leroy felt so loved by you.  When he was sick, Parker, you were right there to kiss and groom him. You knew Leroy was sick and you did all you could to make him feel comfortable. When your brother Porter was recovering from being mauled, you did the same to make him feel loved and comfortable. You groomed him and showered him with love. It was your love that made your brothers get well. We all miss that. It's hard for me some days to believe you are not here. My baby, that's when I break down and cry a river. I don't want you to see me like that.

I wish you could be here. I miss you, little guy. I used to call you Little Peanut. Your feet were about the size of my thumb. You were small, but all muscle, and in very good health. I also called you My Little Hero after you chased away that huge Rottweiler. I will never forget that day. I felt so proud to be your Mom. 

Parker, My Little Peanut, Mom is so very sorry.  Please forgive me.  I never meant you any harm. I saddens me that you are not here with us.  The light in our home is dim without you.  I would do anything to have you here again.  Please watch over your brothers. Porter needs your love to keep his pancreatitis in remission. Please look for us when your brothers and I come to Rainbow Bridge to see you again.  Wherever you are now, have fun with your friends in the meantime. 

You will always be My Little Hero.  
I Love You, Mom
MyLittleOneIsGone

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Posts: 120
 #82 

Dear Parker, My Little Peanut,

Today I am writing to your brothers, Porter and Leroy. I am sure they are missing you as much as I am.

Leroy, I’ve noticed sadness in your eyes since your brother is no longer here. The expressions on your face tell me you don’t know where he is, you are confused, and maybe think he is going to be here at any moment. I know you don’t have the same sense of time as I do, so to you, time hasn’t passed that much. I can understand why you might think Parker will be by your side at any time. If he was here, he would be cuddling with you most of the day. Whenever your brother Porter would bark out the window, Parker would come running and give out a howling bark or two. He didn’t even know why he was barking. He just wanted to join in with Porter. Leroy, sometimes you would join them, and you also didn’t know why you were barking.   Leroy, the other day you had some eye tear staining, very unusual for you. I thought Parker was coming through you. He was the only one who had that. Your brother Porter showed some tear staining, too.  He doesn’t usually have that either. I would use my extra bottle of saline drops for Parker. This time I used it for you, but Leroy, you gave me a hard time. I know that was not Parker coming through you. He wouldn’t give me a hard time. He liked me giving him the drops. He was always so good about it. I think he knew how much better his eyes felt after getting the drops. Leroy, I know now that if you need the drops, the best time to give them to you is when you are drowsy. Leroy, the drops helped you. The next day your eyes cleared up. It must be hard for you Leroy, to think that when you go to sleep, that Parker will be right by your side, cuddling with you as he always did. Parker would sleep between you and Porter. At bedtime, I would tuck in my Three Dog Night. Parker loved being next to the both of you. He was a true friend and a loving brother.

Porter, you and Parker used to play and wrestle when you were very young. As time went on, you became more interested in looking out the window. That’s when I began to call you Gladys Kravitz. Leroy and Parker began to play more together as they grew closer. Porter, you are still very concerned about who passes by the house and you keep watch at the window. You don’t like it when people walk by, especially when they have a dog. You will keep barking until they are no longer in sight. I remember when Parker would hear you barking and run down the stairs as fast as he could to see what was going on. He would be right next to you when you ran back and forth to each window. Porter, you are a character in the morning. It used to be you and Parker who would jump up on the bed and wake us up. I miss those days. You still jump up on the bed and wake us up, but you are alone now. Leroy runs around the room with his squeaky. He’s never been agile enough to jump up on the bed. Porter, the mornings are always funny when you roll around on your back, under a blanket, while you kick the blanket with your feet. Parker and Leroy would try to copy you, but they just didn’t have the knack. You invented that rolling trick. Porter, sometimes you would growl at me at night when I tucked you in. The Chihuahua you are, I always expected it.  There have been many nights since Parker is gone that you Porter, have not growled when I tucked you in. I’ve thought maybe it was Parker coming through you.  He would never growl. I could wake up Parker in the middle of the night and he would be fine with it. Porter, I wish you would play more with Leroy. I know you weren’t that close to him, but Leroy enjoys your company. I think sometimes he would like you to be more friendly. Porter, you weren’t used to playing with Leroy, but maybe sometimes you can try to warm up to him. You will find Leroy is very easygoing and just wants to have a friend. He misses Parker. Porter, maybe you can give him some company.

My Three Amigos, I wish it could be the way it was. It was always so much fun with the three of you, my Three Stooges. The mornings and time for walks were hilarious. Feeding time was crazy. It was mostly Parker who made it fun.  He was the leader, the life of the party, the energy, and the shining light here.

Parker, we all miss you. Leroy and Porter, your brother Parker is watching over you both. He will take care of you. He wants you both to be happy and healthy.  He will see you again at another time and another place.

Parker, I Love You. Please watch over us. We’ve gone through so much when we lost you. It’s been hard on your Mom. I struggle daily with intermittent tears and sadness. I try not to cry, but it’s hard without you beside me. I can’t believe you are not here. I have trouble accepting that.

My Little Peanut, we are all missing you and we all love you forever.

Love, Mom

Napalmakita66

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Posts: 120
 #83 
Hero is such a perfect word...they are guardian angels..miracles sent into our lives. I miss my boy too Parker's mom...i always will. Take care. -Katsu's dad
KatKat

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Posts: 171
 #84 
I hear the pain in both of your writings.  My counseling has been helping but I still have my moments where I go to the bad place and see those last few moments where my little kitten was taken from me.  It's fast and violent and it still makes me cringe and catch my breath.  I sometimes scream in my car just to make it stop.  I no longer feel anger at my dog, I'm angry at what he did and sometimes I tell him that and he looks at me with such sad, beautiful and loving eyes.  I don't know his background so who knows if something there created his behavior when it comes to toys and food or if it's just something innate in him.  I can put my hand in his food dish and there's never any aggression.  I'm so sorry that my little kitten suffered and lost her life and still wish I had done things differently but I am able to get through the day without crying all the time.  I still can't really look at her pictures or the videos I took, I guess in time that will get easier.  I did have a dream about her, she was playing in the corner and it made me so happy.  I hope someday I see her playing again, it brought so much joy.  In her short little life she made me so very happy and I loved her with all my heart.  
Napalmakita66

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Posts: 120
 #85 
I'm glad counseling has helped. It sounds like you've made real progress.
My guru always says things that are so big should never happen rapidly.
There needs to be a foundation, a balance in your life, then you can start building your ladder to go up slowly.
It's hard to know why animals act out, same as people..we all have had experiences that make us who we are. Acceptance without judgment.
It's still hard to look at pictures of my little man. Images pop up all the time, so many reminders that bring tears to my eyes.
It's great you saw your kitty in a dream. A nice meeting of two souls..just saying hello until the next time. Be well. -Katsu's dad
KatKat

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Posts: 171
 #86 
You are so wise Katsu's dad and so very kind.  Katsu was very lucky to have you.

Have a good night. --K
Napalmakita66

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Posts: 120
 #87 
I can only hope to live up to a compliment like that. Thank you K. And good night -Katsu's dad
MyLittleOneIsGone

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Posts: 120
 #88 
Hi KatKat. I won't lie. I am in pain. I'm reading about the pain you are feeling.  It's a rough road, isn't it?  My counseling is helping, but when I get home I'm on my own. I have my moments and sometimes I'm back in that dark place. I haven't accepted it. I understand not being able to view pictures or videos. Please hold onto them. There will be a day you will be able to see them. It's 6 months for me and I have a hard time. If I post a picture or send in an email, I view it as a small thumbnail and I don't look at it after that. One day I hope I can look at them for more than a second. I've never opened the cabinet where he is (very hard for me to write that, and think of him like that). I hope I get through Monday, 6/24. It will be 6 months to the day (a Monday as well), and my husband has a dentist appointment, his last one was that same day, the day my life turned upside down. He dropped off our little one before his own dental appointment. Too many reminders. 

I'm glad you saw your little girl in a dream. I'm waiting for my dream. I am hoping this is a bad dream. I'm sorry for what has happened to your little girl. Your dog didn't mean it. He may have been competitively playing and got too rough. I wish is was better for us, for all of us. I will never understand why these things happen.  Maybe I don't want to really understand because the truth may be painful. 
Take care of yourself.  ~ Parker's Mom

MyLittleOneIsGone

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Posts: 120
 #89 

To My Sweet Little One,

Another day I am missing you, my sweet little Parker. Not one day has gone by since you are not here that I have not thought about you. The days seem so long and yet it has been almost 6 months. I am still having a difficult time accepting you are not coming back.  Some days are very hard for me.  I fall backwards. I think over and over what I could have done better. I know it was to keep you home. I am feeling very bad and I am not forgiving myself.  I thought I did everything right, but I didn’t. Can you please forgive me?

I don’t know anymore how I feel. I am so sad that you are not here. I miss you so much. It never seems real. I didn’t spend much time with your brothers today. I need to because I know now how short your lives are and, in a moment, I can lose them, too. I don’t want to ever take them for granted. I took you for granted. I never imagined I would lose you, so young. Everything has changed for me. I’m sorry my little man.

I miss you so very much.  I Love You forever. 

Love, Mom

MyLittleOneIsGone

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Posts: 120
 #90 
I think about my baby every day.  Sometimes I feel like I am in a state of suspended animation.
MyLittleOneIsGone

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Posts: 120
 #91 
My husband dropped our dog off on his way to his own dental appt. That was on a Monday. This coming Monday will be 6 months to the day that my sweet Parker passed from a "routine" dental and my husband has a dental appt again.  I'm already feeling the reminders.  I don't know how I will get through that day. I have to avoid looking at the day and date and ignore his dental appt. I might have to go out for the day as an escape.  Hopefully it will be nice out.  I hope I'm not a wreck. Why does the 6/24 have to be on a Monday, too, like 12/24?  Why does he have to have a dentist appt, too?  Too many reminders.
MyLittleOneIsGone

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Posts: 120
 #92 
It's almost the end of June. Time goes by fast. It always seems just like yesterday I lost my little sweetheart. This week I've been having many "Missing Parker Moments" crying buckets of tears. 
Napalmakita66

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Posts: 120
 #93 
The weeks go by fast but the days are long. They say our beloved pets understand why we cry but they wish we could remember them and smile...i try but it's hard right now. I talked to my therapist yesterday and she thinks it's time to address my depression. I can't argue at this point so no point fighting it anymore. I go home next week to attempt my next phase of healing. Take care Parker's mom. -Katsu's dad
MyLittleOneIsGone

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Posts: 120
 #94 
To Parker, My Little Angel,

I would give my life for yours to have you live again. I wish I could trade places with you. 

I Love You Forever and ever,

Your Mom
Napalmakita66

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Posts: 120
 #95 
Hi Parker's mom..
I know how much you miss your friend..and I know how you feel. I want so badly to see my boy again. But that's not what the universe has planned for me. I have a life to live still.
I don't know how it will work out without my Katsu..i guess time will tell.
One day we will see each other and laugh, share love again. We will cross over and this long journey will continue and what we are going through now will finally make sense.
I'll see you again little man..we'll play again soon.. I'll meet you there..but not yet buddy. Not yet. ...take care Parker's mom. -Katsu's dad
MyLittleOneIsGone

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Posts: 120
 #96 
Hi Katsu's Dad,
Yes, I am missing him so very much. I would trade my life. I am afraid to be around when my other 2 dogs begin to have health issues or if something tragic happens. I am truly afraid now. I was not like this before and did not think about it.  I was so naive to think my dogs would live till their expected life span up to 20 years. I thought they all would outlive me and I would have to provide for them if I went first. 

I am in a lot of pain missing my sweet Parker. I know he should be here. I suggested that vet. I wish I never knew his name. I feel so much to blame. I'm not handling this very well these days. I led him to disaster.  He was robbed of a life.  His unassuming life. Never asking for anything except food, water, kisses, and squeaky toys. Giving more love than he wanted. 
Napalmakita66

Registered:
Posts: 120
 #97 
Hi Parker's mom.
I know your hurting and it sounds like your in a pretty low spot. I've been the same way and I had a talk with my therapist. She thinks it's time to address my depression and start taking some steps to get me feeling better.
I know your afraid now of what's to come. Try not to worry snit what may happen...none of us can control anything but right now. Your right, our pets give us so much and ask for so little in return. The most important thing they need from us is to be strong and support them now and when it's time for them to leave this place and move on. We are actually helping them when they cross over and They will always be grateful. They can't go on growing old and suffering..we do that to each other for some reason but it's not a way to move on with dignity.
I feel your pain..i just walked in to my empty house again...i looked at Katsu's box of ashes, said I wish you were here and then the tears came again. I know how hard it is. Try and be strong, reach out for help when you need it. Take care. -Katsu's dad
MyLittleOneIsGone

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Posts: 120
 #98 

My Loving Sweet Baby Parker,

Mom is having some rough days.  I am sorry my baby. I have been crying a lot.  My mornings are filled with tears and I cry myself to sleep. It is all because I feel so bad that you were robbed of your life. It is not right you are not here to comfort your brothers. Leroy is very sad and lonely. Porter doesn’t play with him. I have been giving him a lot of attention to keep him from feeling sad.

We are all extremely sad you are not here. I feel it is my fault.  I hope you forgive me. I cannot understand what happened. I do not know why I took you to that place instead of Dr. Chris. Dr. Chris liked you and he understood you. He knew you were scared, but he knew how to make you feel relaxed and comfortable. He was so happy last year when you were not afraid getting your heart worm test. We were both very happy that you were not afraid. I felt so good for you. I knew it was good you were not anxious.

Then I took you to that other place and you were so frightened. I wish you could have spoken. You would have told me to bring you back to Dr. Chris. I let you down. I am full of remorse. I cannot accept I will never see you again. It is not sitting with me well.  

I Love You. Please believe that. It may not sound honest because I let you go. I could have kept you home that day. I wish you could have spoken to me. You would have told me you did not want to go there. You would have told me to take you back to Dr. Chris, and that they were not nice to you like Dr. Chris.

I have not been able to look at your pictures or videos. It is not because I do not want to.  It hurts me too much to see them now.  I need to turn my head every time I see something with a date from before you were gone.  It only reminds me that is when you were here.

I wish I could hug you again. I miss the pitter-patter of your little feet.  I miss your little howling-bark combination. Your brother Porter barks. Your brother Leroy howls. You were a cross between them both. The three of you were so good together. You bonded with Leroy right away.  He loved you. He knew he could kick your butt, but he was gentle with you because he loved you so very much. I feel so bad for him. I can tell he misses you and does not understand where you are.

Please show me a sign you are here with us. Please don’t stay away. I need to know you still trust me.

Parker, I Love You beyond infinity.  I am hurting right now. Mom is crying. I know I should not make you sad. I am sad without you. I cannot help it.  How do I go on? 

I miss you my little hero.

Love you forever,
Mom

skmk

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Posts: 91
 #99 
To MyLittleOneIsGone,     I know just how you feel.  I lost my mini dachshund Dickens almost a year ago and it still hurts to look at his pictures.    I also think that last year at this time he was here with me and little did I know he would be gone soon.  I too see tv programs or something that happened on a certain date and it reminds me that Dickens was here at that time.  It's still so painful.  He was 13 1/2 years old but acted much younger.  Please don't blame yourself.  We all do that no matter how our little ones pass on.  It's not fair to you to blame yourself for hindsight.  We all do what we think is right at the time.  I know how much you are hurting and wish I could help more.  I don't think my life will ever be the same or as happy as it was when Dickens was here.  Take care of yourself.
I'll be thinking of you,
skmk
Napalmakita66

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Posts: 120
 #100 
Add me to the list of people who will never be the same again..but life is about change, lessons and growth. The reminders of my Katsu are everywhere. All his favourite spots in the house and the back yard, every tree and corner he marked on the neighbourhood, the spots where he would do his Akita scrape with his big paws and every street or park we walked through...of course the truck we took daily rides in is a constant reminder too.
Sunday night's are the toughest. He was only 7 when I rushed him into the vet that horrible Sunday night about 2 months ago. Lots of tears today. I looked out my bedroom window this morning at the two bushes in the backyard where I would run around while he chased me... been crying off and on since.
I want to blame someone, feel guilty and be angry. But it doesn't serve any purpose. We want to think we can control things but we can't. The universe will do what it needs..life and death are just transition points and we all will face it. Try and remember that our beautiful pets are fine, they know death isn't something to fear..that's the lesson I try and see. We all do the best we can...that's all we can do. Take care everyone. -Katsu's dad
twinkiesmom

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Posts: 770
 #101 
Parker's Mom, every word you have written brought tears to my eyes. I am so very sorry. I agree with you, I so wish our babies could talk so that we might know what they are feeling. I lost a cat last year to an incurable disease. His last weeks of his life he was at the vet at least twice a week. On Wednesday I told the vet it was time to release him but she disagreed. On Friday when I woke up he was suffering terribly and I rushed him to another vet because mine did not have time to see him. What could have been a gentle passing was a nightmare. Needless to say I changed vets. I hate that your vet failed to fully communicate with you. I feel we have a right to know what happened and that right was taken from you. We provide our furbabies with as good a life as we possibly can and when we lose them we forget all about that, instead feeling we are to blame when nothing could be further from the truth. We are human, imperfect true, but we do as much as we can as well as we can. Let the tears fall but be kind to yourself, that is what Parker would tell you if only he could.
twinkiesmom

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Posts: 770
 #102 
Parker's Mom, every word you have written brought tears to my eyes. I am so very sorry. I agree with you, I so wish our babies could talk so that we might know what they are feeling. I lost a cat last year to an incurable disease. His last weeks of his life he was at the vet at least twice a week. On Wednesday I told the vet it was time to release him but she disagreed. On Friday when I woke up he was suffering terribly and I rushed him to another vet because mine did not have time to see him. What could have been a gentle passing was a nightmare. Needless to say I changed vets. I hate that your vet failed to fully communicate with you. I feel we have a right to know what happened and that right was taken from you. We provide our furbabies with as good a life as we possibly can and when we lose them we forget all about that, instead feeling we are to blame when nothing could be further from the truth. We are human, imperfect true, but we do as much as we can as well as we can. Let the tears fall but be kind to yourself, that is what Parker would tell you if only he could.
MyLittleOneIsGone

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Posts: 120
 #103 
Aww, skmk, I used to have a mini Dapple Dachshund. He lived a long, full life, thankfully.  I didn't get that lucky this time.  I've been moving pictures from my phone to the computer and his (Parker) picture will pop up and I have to close it real fast. It's difficult. His eyes are staring at me and I feel he's not very happy with what I did.   

I've been watching I Love Lucy and old shows that would never remind me of my young little guys. I listen to oldies and watch these vintage shows on YouTube. I can only escape that way through media. Any new stuff will remind me of him. I used to kneel and pick his feet up and dance with him. (He was a Chihuahua-Beagle, 13 lbs.)  I don't listen to that music. Too many memories. 

I blame myself now for it all. I suggested that guy because I went there many decades ago, 20-25 years ago. He has gone downhill. I compare him to one of those restaurants I would always go to and remembered it was good. I don't go for a few years, but I figure it's still good and it turns out, it went downhill.  That's him, the vet. Lesson learned and for all to be educated. Just because a vet or anything was good or okay before, if you haven't been there for a while, check reviews, check for complaints through the state or county courthouse. This guy was sued in 2014 for causing the death of a cat. Had I known that, I would have never gone there. I see now he had bad reviews dated before I went there for my dog's dental. I spoke to a tech at my vet's today. She said since I didn't get an anesthesia record or any list of vitals, they may not have done them (they are supposed to be documented every 5 minutes), or they knew they did something wrong and the vitals show it, so I didn't get a copy or they destroyed it. She doesn't think anyone was watching him during it all. She said they would have called when he was in distress if they were watching him.  She said there are so many meds to bring him back without using CPR. She said since they ignored his lab work, he may have needed different meds because they don't give the same meds across the board to all pets. It depends on their needs and health. Sometimes I sit like I am catatonic and I can't understand how someone could let me dog die without doing everything possible to keep him breathing -- and not even call me when there was a problem. Then wait hours later to call me.
Thank you for thinking of me. I'm not the type who cries and I've cried about this more than I have in my entire life. I know crying won't bring him back. I cry because it hurts soooooooo much. 

You take care, too.  ~ Parker's Mom
MyLittleOneIsGone

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Posts: 120
 #104 
Hi Katsu's Dad,

Welcome to the We Will Never Be The Same Club.  My lesson is to check everyone's credentials no matter how much I think I trust them. They could be a wolf in sheep's clothing, as this guy was. Lessons will be for others. I will educated people because of my loss. Give them insight into weeding out the bad ones. 

Your reminders are memories. Memories of his favorite spots in and out of the house. Was it you who had paw prints in your truck?  I still have my little Parker's peanut paw prints that will only be washed off if I sell my car. As long as those prints are there, that car will still be mine.  

You Katsu was so young, too. I could accept it if it was old age. They were too young.  

There's no purpose for blame, you're right, but those who break the law and cause injury or death to an animal or a human should be held accountable. If this vet owned up to up to it and sincerely showed he was sorry and obeyed the law and did everything possible to save my dog, it would be different.  He turned his back to me. He broke laws. He lied. 

I am sure my dog was in fear and he would have thought at that time he was going to be harmed. "Fractious" in the notes says it all. It makes me sad to think my dog may have felt abandoned by us. I had nightmares for a while, losing sleep for 3-4 days at a time.  I hope I don't have them again.

I am not the same. It's not the same a home. Ask Leroy, my Beagle.  You can see it in his face. He lost his best friend in the entire world.  Porter lost his blood brother. They were like twins. 

Take care of yourself, too. Katsu's Dad.

~ Parker's Mom
MyLittleOneIsGone

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Posts: 120
 #105 
Thank you twinkiesmom.  I was just thinking today that I wish my dogs could talk. I thought that Parker would have begged me to stay home. He would have told me he didn't like that place. I need to be his voice now and get justice. I need to educated people so they recognize the signs. I didn't know the vet is required to discussed the procedure and risks. That would have opened up a lot of questions for me. A lot of doubts. I may have skipped the idea. That's probably why this vet doesn't discuss it, especially the risks. Imaging how many people would cancel or postpone and never follow-up.  I feel like I was bamboozled.  I was bamboozled. This has been an excruciating learning experience.  I hope to help others. I will be going to the news station. I want them to do a segment about how to find a good vet and stay away from the bad ones.

You, at least, saw the need to keep your baby from suffering.  It's very unfortunate the vet would disagree. I've been doing research and reading laws in my state. The vet has a responsibility to keep a pet from fear and suffering.  They are supposed to recognize that. This charlatan kept so much from me.  He acknowledged my dog was fighting back and in fight or flight mode. My dog was apparently petrified. That was reason enough for him to call me and tell me to come get him because it wasn't worth stressing my dog for an elective procedure.  He is not a caring vet. He kept my dog in fear. He called me hours after he passed. It's despicable. 

You take care of yourself.  I hope what they say is true, that there's another place. That our babies are waiting for us and watching over us in the meantime.  

~ Parker' Mom 

MyLittleOneIsGone

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Posts: 120
 #106 

Hello Parker, My Little Peanut,
I'm thinking about you more today. I think about you all the time, but more today.

I took Leroy to your pediatric vet, the one I should have stayed with. You know, Dr. Dolittle. Leroy misses you a lot. His face shows it. I wish you guys could talk. Porter barks so much, I think he is trying to speak. Wait a minute. If Porter could speak, he would never stop talking. 

I was thinking about a song today that I want to dedicate to you. It has always been one of my favorites. You may have heard me play it. It makes me cry, and so does Ava Maria. I need a good cry now and then. Remember that I Love You and if there is a place beyond life, I will see you again. I wish I knew for sure. 


I Love You Forever,
Mom ♥️ 


Here is my song to you, My Little Peanut. It is about the both of us. I'll think of us each time I hear it . . . till we meet again. 

TIME - The Alan Parsons Project 
Time, flowing like a river
Time, beckoning me
Who knows when we shall meet again
If ever
But time
Keeps flowing like a river
To the sea
Goodbye my love, 
Maybe for forever

Goodbye my love, 
The tide waits for me
Who knows when we shall meet again
If ever
But time
Keeps flowing like a river (on and on)
To the sea, to the sea
Till it's gone forever
Gone forever
Gone forevermore

Goodbye my friends (goodbye my love)
Maybe forever
Goodbye my friends (who knows when we shall meet again)
The stars wait for me
Who knows where we shall meet again
If ever
But time
Keeps flowing like a river (on and on)
To the sea, to the sea
Till it's gone forever
Gone forever
Gone forevermore

Forevermore
Forevermore
Forevermore

Songwriters: Alan Parsons / Claudio Goldman / Eric Woolfson / Sergio Antonio De Albuquerq
Napalmakita66

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Posts: 120
 #107 
Hi Parker's mom
The memories are everywhere for me too and I'm trying to distract myself but me and my little man did so much together that it's nearly impossible . yes, it was my truck with the noise and paw prints. The house has its share of memories but there are even more when I leave. We walked the entire neighborhood, visited every park..every tree and fire hydrant...it was his neighborhood and his truck that we would take daily adventures in.
Your story of the vet is heart breaking. I know how you feel, my Katsu had a heart attack on the operating table. He was in shock and the trauma was just too much for his little heart. I did get a phone call immediately telling me they were doing CPR. It's impossible to know what really went on behind those doors that night but I have to trust they did everything they could. The vet I spoke with was visibly upset and shaken..i believe her when she said she tried to save him. Either way it doesn't change what happened. I think it was just his time.
You are so right, they left too soon. This always happens..i get to a point in writing and start breaking down in tears. I feel your pain Parker's mom. -Katsu's dad
MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 120
 #108 
Hi Katsu's Dad,
I do have to commend your vet for doing the right thing by calling you immediately.  That's what they should do. I don't know if it's law, but the one I never called till hours later with basically nothing to say except they did CPR.  When?  I didn't think of asking at that time why he didn't call right away. I learned later they should call ASAP.  Nothing to say or written that they did everything possible to save my dog. Why I have suspicions. 

Your vet did everything. Your vet called immediately while they were doing CPR. That is what a real vet does.  You were not  left in the dark. They were transparent with you. I'm sure she tried everything, if she didn't, she'd behave like the one I had. It was beyond her control.  If the vet in my case called, tried everything, had all the paperwork to prove it, I would be more tolerant and understanding. It was the opposite for me. I was duped. I never saw vitals. I don't know if they were even keeping track. It's despicable. 

You're right, your outcome cannot be changed, but you have peace of mind knowing you had a caring vet. I wish I could say the same. Maybe my dog would be here. You don't know what initially caused Katsu to be in distress. What you do know, is that the vet didn't cause it. She only tried to help. I wish I had gone to your vet. 

Katsu was very young, and yes, too young to go. You gave him the best and made him happy.  It could have been something genetic. You don't know. I know that doesn't make it better, but no one inflicted pain on Katsu. You all tried to help and save him.  That's important. 

I feel like I was scammed from start to finish. It's a horrible feeling for me to know a professional would perform below the standard of care while my dog is in his care, and let him die in an hour or so. And then nonchalantly call me hours after my baby is gone to say, "It happens."   I have a hole in my heart. 

~ Parker's Mom


Napalmakita66

Registered:
Posts: 120
 #109 
Your right Parker's mom...at least I can look back and say that everything that could be done was. Katsu had bloat after eating..his stomach completely twisted. I saw it and rushed him to the 24hr emergency vet.
She told me after evaluating him that his heart and kidneys were in trouble and he was probably going into shock. And that dog actually walked himself into that vet like the champion he was, I still can't believe that. He may have already had pre existing issues, including his heart.
Neither one of us expected our pups wouldn't be coming home, although looking back I had a strange feeling that something was really wrong.
I certainly dont know what laws require or how these things work but it sounds like something was not right in your situation. I don't want to speculate but I agree that you weren't treated with the care and respect that animal lovers are known for. I'm sorry you had to go through this and thinking that your trust was violated rubs salt in the wound. All I can say is that none of this is your fault. There is always a risk when dealing with anaesthesia n surgeries.
Perhaps talking with another vet might shed some light on it...maybe they could help explain the process and figure out why things were done this way. In the meantime, thank you for your support and I hope you find some peace in your heart. Our puppers would want it that way. Take care-Katsu's dad
MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 120
 #110 
Hi Katsu's Dad,
I've spoken to vet techs and vets. Showed them the notes. Told them the facts. I get the same answers. If my dog truly was under anesthesia as he said, there would be a record of vitals taken every 5 minutes. When something began to go wrong, the vet should have had me on the phone asap. The notes don't say they did all they could to save my dog. If he was having trouble with the anesthesia, there are all kinds of meds to use to revive him. There's no indication they did that. They question why he didn't discuss the flagged lab results. They said no matter what was flagged, it should be explained why. I should feel assured the test showed he was as healthy as he could be to get this done. They said there is no excuse not to discuss the procedure and risks even if I was there a week before with another dog, it's a new dog, different health, it's a law to discuss it for every procedure and that allows me to ask questions. Never done, not even for the prior 2 times when Leroy and Porter had their teeth cleaned there. I don't even have copies of it. I never got an anesthesia record for Porter, so who knows if they did it with him either, which means I am lucky he came back alive. Now that I am writing this, I just realized the only anesthesia record (vitals) I got was for Leroy and the vitals were not taken every 5 minutes. It shows vitals only at the start and end of the dental. I need someone to look at that, too, if it's supposed to be monitored every 5 minutes.  I was told it was wrong to call me hours after my dog was already gone. I was told it was wrong not to call me when he recognized my dog was in fight or flight mode. Should have been on the phone with me. That could cause my dog physical stress, and could kill him from the fear. Against the law to keep an animal that is in fear.  And I've written this many times here, again, I was told to make our dog wait 4 weeks from pre-op to procedure is unheard of in their field. Many have questioned why they would do this on a semi-holiday, especially after waiting 4 weeks. Some said they do a small pre-op the day of the procedure to make sure, and none of these professionals I spoke to, would never wait that long until the procedure. A week at most they told me because the pet's condition could change and since they don't speak, they can't tell us they feel lousy. This is where it comes down to everything was wrong with this place (plus, he was the cause of a cat's death in '14 that I didn't know about until later).  I'm hoping the state does more than fine him. I hope he is cited. Many laws were broken. If he unfortunately stays in business, he and his staff need to follow the law and do the right things so that someone else's pet doesn't die or become maimed. 

I'm not talking about 1 oversight. The whole place is a sham. The front desk are his puppets. Squeeze us in on Xmas Eve so they can fill up a slow business day. So what if my dog has to wait 4 weeks after pre-op, that would be my problem, not his. 
MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 120
 #111 
In the news:  "An Arizona woman who "died" for a total of 27 minutes asked or a notepad after she was resuscitated to share an urgent message about the afterlife."

Doctors revived her after 27 minutes and a vet couldn't save my little dog whom he claims didn't make it out of recovery.  If he tried hard enough he could have. It's been suggested this vet may not have been in the room. 
Napalmakita66

Registered:
Posts: 120
 #112 
I'm sorry Parker's mom. Your right, something went horribly wrong that day. I hope some day soon you find some answers and those answers give you some peace. You mentioned near death experience. I'm a firm believer in mysticism, afterlife and reincarnation. A lot of my studies about death and how the soul carries on have helped me feel better about my Katsu. Maybe looking into it further will help you too. I think our loved ones are doing just fine...we will always miss them tho. Katsu's dad
MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 120
 #113 

I have been reminiscing about when I first got these amigos in early 2013.  I had just early retired.  Having no children, my husband thought getting a dog would keep my company. Leroy was adopted in January. In February, I agreed to foster 2 little male Chihuahua-Beagle pups. The rest is history. I pulled some pieces from emails. It reminds me about how happy they made me. The 3 of them hit it off instantaneously. 

FROM ME TO RESCUE OWNER:   I had my eyes on Leroy when I first saw him online on October 9th. He looked so cute. I filled out the application about 2 weeks later when I saw he was still there. I went on vacation. The holidays came and I looked online for him and he was still there in late December.  It's like he was waiting for us. 

Leroy is settling in very well. At first, he was a little nervous and shy, but he is getting used to "his" new home and has gained our trust. He goes to bed on his own. We have a bed for him up and downstairs. We haven't needed to use a crate, so he's got the run of the house. I have a knack for spoiling my pets. . .   He makes funny slurping noises when we walk him, so I almost changed his name to Slurpy, but we are sticking with Leroy.  After he returns from being walked, he likes to run around and play with a toy ball and my old slippers.  He doesn't beg and he's got manners! Leroy saw a dog out the window today and proved his protection skills by barking for the first time. He must know this is his home now. We (my husband Bob and I) love Leroy!  

Whenever you are free, I can bring Leroy to meet you.  He's such a cutie. He may need a playmate.  There's only so much fun we humans can provide. Leroy is a real sweetie. I'm glad we kept Leroy as his name. I read that it means The King in French (le roi, or le roy).  Plus, it's not a common dog name. 

Tomorrow morning, Monday, I am meeting Porter and Parker at Tammy's.  I'm bringing Leroy. I will let you know if one of them works out. Leroy was very friendly with all the dogs at PetSmart. He didn't bark or growl. He went up to larger dogs, too. That's a good sign. 

FROM THE RESCUE OWNER: As of tonight around 630(ish) Paul will be taking Parker and Porter to get neutered by Dr. Chris - afterwards, Tina (our newest adopter/foster) will be fostering both Parker and Porter because Jess's pups are sick and we didn't want to sick any dogs health, especially after a surgery. (No worries though, her terriers are healthy!)

FROM ME:  These guys are really adorable though, but it's a lot for me because they are puppies and I also have Leroy. I also feel bad leaving them in the crate, but they're too young to run loose because they're not housebroken.  The pups are really close knit. Porter was really upset when Parker was away from him. I don't think they should be separated. Porter will once in a while growl and at Parker, but he sometimes growls at people. I don't think he means anything by it. I think that's just his nature. He may mellow out with time since he's been neutered. He really loves his brother. I think they should be adopted as a pair. I can't see them being apart. I think Porter would be really sad without his brother.   I'll hold onto them during this recovery time, but do you know if someone would want to foster both of them?  As much as I love these little guys and would miss them

I do want to care for these little guys while they heal.  I've gotten really attached to these little guys. I love these little boys. They are so adorable!  I would love to keep them for as long as I can take care of them. I feel like I am getting them to trust people. They are really affectionate with me. I will really miss them. I understand that they are young and don't know the ropes yet. Maybe I can help teach them and get them on their way. 

I hope that whoever gets these little guys takes as much or more care of them as I have. I truly care about them. I mean that I wouldn't want to dump them on someone or for someone to take them only because it sounds like a desperate situation.

They and Leroy have brought so much joy to our home. I love them all! 

I am really attached to Porter (darker face). I love his personality.  I am bugging Bob to adopt him or at least foster him as long as we can (if that's okay with you) and then maybe Bob will also get attached to him and want to adopt him.  I hope Leroy approves, too. I have been calling Porter "Curly" as in the Three Stooges because it's so funny after he goes to the bathroom outside, he does that kick back thing with his back legs. He looks like Curly when he kicked back his legs saying, "Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk."

I can't part with these little guys. I love them so much. I want to keep them. It gets challenging sometimes, but I'll get it down to a routine. (I, myself, only expected to get 1 dog.) 

Bob and I definitely want Parker and Porter. Yes, please considered them in the adoption process by us. They are now Leroy's adopted brothers. 

Parker loves Leroy. He licks his ears and grooms him. They play a lot. Porter and Parker play together and they love to be together in the crate. It's like the 3 of them are a team. They all rest together on the couch. It's usually Parker up against Leroy. They are like brothers. I love these guys. I fuss over them like they were my babies. (Maybe because I never had any children.) I fix their bedding at night and then cover them with a little blanket. I keep their feeding bowls clean all the time. They're like my kids.  Yes. I am in agreement with Suzi to adopt them. They are now Leroy's little brothers.

FROM THE RESCUE OWNER:  And congratulations Tina - I am so excited for you and the 3 boys!

FROM ME:  Leroy is very happy with his little brothers. Parker and Leroy are like a comedy when they play. Leroy is passive and Parker is more aggressive, but Leroy may be laying low because he knows he could whoop Parker's butt. He has sat on Parker when they've played. It's really funny. 

FROM ME ABOUT PARKER:  He's always looking for mischief. Yesterday I had the kitchen window open about 8 inches and pulled up the blinds. The window is about 4 feet from the floor. The window is screened in. The sill is only about 6 inches deep up to the screen. Parker managed to jump up and onto that sill!  I don't know how he did it!  Good thing the screen was there or he would have fallen out of the window!  Now I know to keep the blinds down when the window is open, so he won't be able to get up there. He has jumped up on the counter and in the kitchen sink. We call him "crazy man" and I call Porter "tiny boy".

FROM ME ABOUT PARKER:  He's kind of my favorite. He follows me all over the house and always stays by me when I'm on the computer. He's the most affectionate, too.

 
I Love You Parker.  We all miss you and your funny antics. You were a bundle of energy your entire (short) life.  I think about you all the time, my sweetie Little Peanut. 

MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 120
 #114 

Parker is survived by his blood brother, Porter, and Leroy, his Beagle brother.  Porter was never friendly with Leroy. (My husband said it started over a squeaky toy and Porter didn't get over It.)  It was always Parker and Porter and Parker and Leroy.  Parker was a best friend to both.  Leroy and Parker hit it off when they first met.  Leroy is showing a lot of sadness. He's becoming very needy. I have no doubt he misses his brother.  He looks at me as if he is lost. He looks at me as if he's asking me where his brother is, why he is not here.  Leroy has always been shy. Parker gave him courage. Parker and Leroy would play a couple of times a day. Leroy has been trying to play with Porter and Porter won't have any part of him. Today Porter got very angry with Leroy and snapped at him because Leroy was trying to be close to Porter.  I am trying to make Leroy feel wanted as Parker always did. Parker groomed him, cuddled next to him, loved him, and all of us.  I

I am missing Parker so much more on a different level because Leroy has lost his best friend. I can play with Leroy as human to dog, but it will not compare to the playfulness and communication he shared with Parker.  I can't get another dog.  Plus, it wouldn't be fair to Parker to "replace" him. I don't know how Porter will accept another dog anyway. He and Parker were blood. He tolerates Leroy.  I think Porter misses his brother mostly at night. They would lie next to each other and in the morning they would run down the stairs side-by-side. I love both Leroy and Porter. 

This loss has affected everyone. It isn't just my loss, it is our loss. 

~ Parker's Mom

MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 120
 #115 

To My Dear Sweet Parker,

Time is going by very fast.  It is hard for me each day that you are you are not here. I get through the days, but not easily. Most of the time I just go through the motions.  I miss you Parker. These days I feel lost without you. Your courage and loving spirit invigorated me. You taught me to be courageous. I am using what I learned from you to be strong for your brothers.

Your brothers miss you very much. Leroy has been withdrawn and keeping to himself. I worry he will go back to being timid and shy as he was before you gave him the strength to be brave. You were his best friend.  Today I bought him a squeaky toy to give him some happiness. You know how he always liked being teased about taking away his squeaky toy. I hope this will keep him busy for a while, although later in the day, he lost interest in his new toy. I think he was waiting for you to come and try to take it from him, but he is confused why he has not seen you. I wish I could explain it to him.

We all miss you Parker. I still do not understand why this happened. Sometimes I cannot get through the day. I know you should be here. Please do not be sad that I cry because I miss you.

I think you may have come here the other day in the form of a Cardinal.  I am trying to believe it was a sign that you were here. If that was really you, I wish you would come back. Please make a believer out of me, Parker.

I wish I could see you right now. I wish I could hug you right now. I wish none of this happened. It is difficult for me to comprehend. It never seems right. It never seems real. I am still having a tough time not having you here. Our home is not the same anymore.

There is nothing I can do to change it.  My heart is broken without you.

I Love You so much Parker. I miss you.

Love,

Mom

MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 120
 #116 

Last week I wrote this on the Miss B topic: 

I learned here by several of you that a Cardinal has a significant meaning after a loss. I thought my husband must be believing that now because about a week ago, he called me to the window and told me there was a Cardinal on our lawn. At first, I couldn't see it. He showed me where it was. He appeared excited about it. By the time I got my camera, it was gone. They are not common in my area. 

I read this on several websites:  The belief that cardinals are messengers from someone who has passed exists across many cultures and beliefs. However, a symbolic sign is unique to each person and gives us the opportunity to interpret its meaning. A symbolic sign is a message for the individual receiving it. A symbolic sign can be considered a phenomenon, or a “cardinal experience.”  The word cardinal is derived from the Latin word cardo, meaning hinge or axis. Like a hinge on a door, the cardinal is often considered the hinge on the doorway between our earthly world and the spirit world.

I asked out loud as I wrote this:

Parker, was that you?  Please come back if that was you.  If a cardinal appears again, then I will believe.  Parker, I will believe it's you.  Parker, please let me know you are here.  I need to know you forgive me. 

Last night this happened: 

As it was getting dark last night, I heard a bird chirping. It sounded like a Cardinal. I got excited because of the signs thing. I am not one to believe a lot of that stuff. I scoff at magicians. I saw a Cardinal twice , and it was recently. I don't see them around here. I am aware of the birds here because we've had robins set up nests under our deck and in the shrubs and I would chase away blue jays because they steal the robin's eggs. I've taken pictures of birds here. Most were red robins. Some were sparrows and woodpeckers. I would know if a Cardinal was around before all of this. Now that I've heard about a Cardinal and a sign from a loved one, I wasn't really sure, but I thought if it kept showing up, then maybe it is real. Last night, I heard the bird so I played Cardinal sounds on YouTube and it played through a wireless speaker. I played and paused. In between, I heard the bird and it was the same sound. I played it again and the bird came over onto our cable wires. It was a Cardinal!  It heard the audio, but it was already here, because I heard it!  I saw it come really close to me. 

I was really happy and excited. I was smiling. I had happy tears. I told my husband it must be true, it is a sign from Parker. I said I wasn't sure the first time, but now I believe it.  He told me no, it's not a sign, it’s not Parker.  I didn't ask him if it was a sign. I told him it was. I said I've read about it. This is the only thing I have to hold onto, the only thing I could believe, it is making me happy, and he wanted to take that away from me. If I was a child, he would probably tell me there is no Easter Bunny. 

I want to be able to believe my Little Peanut heard me when I spoke out loud and wrote him and asked him to come back, that I could believe it was him if the bird returned. When I saw that bird last night, I right away believed Parker is with me and he's near me. I lost 1 of my 3 only best friends and children, all I have in this life. My husband doesn't grieve with me.  I do it alone, and he avoids anything to do with that. 

My husband made me feel alone. He could have gone with it, even if he personally doesn't believe it, he could try to believe it for me, or just let me believe it and be happy for me.  Do I believe my husband that the Cardinal was not a sign and not Parker?  No, I don't.

It’s a shame I can't share my happiness with (my husband) someone close to me.  I wish my husband who also experienced this loss, would believe. For a moment last week, he seemed like he believed when he called to me about the Cardinal on our lawn.

I am going to stick to my belief and hope that the Cardinal came back because it was Parker. Because he heard me ask him to come back, that I want him to near me and give me hope that I will see him again in another life.  I will keep looking for the Cardinal again.  I choose to be happy to feel and believe Parker is near. Without hope, what is there?

 ~ Parker's Mom

Parker, My Little Peanut, that was you yesterday!  I am keeping my hope up that you are near to me. I will be looking for you again. I do believe you were here , you will stay close, and that you do forgive me. I believe you know I've always loved you. 


MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 120
 #117 
Parker, My Little Peanut, that was you yesterday!   

I am keeping my hope up that you are near to me.  I will be looking for you again. I do believe you were here, you will stay close, and that you do forgive me. I believe you know I've always loved you.

I miss you and I want to to stay near me. Please protect your brothers. You always comforted them. You gave them more love than I can. They miss you. 

Almost always, I cannot believe you are not here where I can see you, hear you, and hold you.  The Cardinal is the only hope I have that you are here in some form. I want to believe. 

I Love You,

Your Mom
Napalmakita66

Registered:
Posts: 120
 #118 
When cardinals appear angels are near...I've heard this for many years. I do believe in all that "stuff". I study mysticism and yogic science. One thing that was suggested when I first began my practice was to not believe anything..but dont disbelieve it either. When you say it can't be you kill the possibility.. Why say yes or no when it's something that we can't possibly have the answer to? Leave your mind open to the possibility, there is much more to this world then the very little bit that we can see. A miracle is something that happens many times a day, only no one is paying attention.
People who believe, who tell you something is or is not are just not big enough to admit they do not know. I believe your cardinal was no accident, there are plenty more signs I'm sure.
My Katsu visited me last night in an amazing dream..it was more real then real. I keep my beliefs to myself, generally. Talking to people who are closed minded and have given up on exploring life are boring to me and only slow down my process of enjoying life and growing as a person. Do whatever works for you..it's your life. Take care Parker's mom- Katsu's dad
Napalmakita66

Registered:
Posts: 120
 #119 
What a beautiful gesture and lovely letter Parker's mom. I'm glad you and the other pups are enjoying the day...it sounds beautiful there.
It's boiling hot here...these are the days my boy Katsu would spread out on the floor in front of a fan and lay low...a foot of snow on the ground was a day at the beach for him. I went to the grocery store today. I used to take him with me..it was great riding with him hanging his big bear head out the window and seeing him hop up and down as I walked back to the truck. He wasn't there this time and I couldn't be strong. I sat and cried in the parking lot. I miss my friend so much. Take care. -Katsu's dad
goofygirlinva

Registered:
Posts: 1,112
 #120 
Parker's mom, I too believe that Cardinals are a sign that a loved one is nearby. 

There is a Cardinal pair that live near my place. I have been in my current house for several years and I believe the Cardinals started visiting my deck soon after I moved in, or at least that was when I started noticing them. I keep bird feeders and water for the birds and squirrels and other critters on my deck, and the Cardinals regularly (and many other birds and animals) come visit for the food and water. I hang the bird feeders right in front of the sliding glass door to my deck, and that helps me easily see them when they visit. I do not think these Cardinals are my beloved Squeeker visiting me, as Squeeker just passed away a bit over 2 years ago and I have been in the house for 8+ years. Instead, I wonder if they are my beloved Blackie that passed away a year or so before I moved into the house, or if they are my mother who died a few decades ago or one or several of my childhood pets that I still think about and miss. 

Regardless, I see them pretty regularly throughout the year, in both warm and cold weather, and when they visit, they often look through the sliding glass door and into my house. Sometimes I wonder if they are looking for me, as the sliding glass door leads into my living room and I can easily see the birds from my sofa where I am often hanging out with my cats. :-) Sometimes the Cardinals are at the feeders daily, sometimes I go for several days without seeing them. Whenever I see them it brings a smile to my face and heart, and it makes me imagine that, just for a moment, I am connecting with the spirit of those that are no longer physically here with me but still hold a special place in my heart.

I hope you continue to believe the Cardinal you are seeing is Parker and I hope this brings you comfort. It is a shame your husband refuses to believe or support you as you work your way through your grief journey. But please feel free to keep coming here and sharing what is in your heart, as you have many people here thinking about and caring about you...

Hugs,

- Kelly
Angel Blackie's mom
Angel Squeeker's mom

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