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MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 152
 #121 
Yes Katsu's Dad, I agree about closed-minded people.  I'm not a fanatic when I believe something and I won't push it on others, but it's nice if I can share it with an open-minded person, it makes it more exciting.  I will be sharing these "sign" experiences with fellow pet loss people on the forum, people who also look outside the box.

This "Cardinal Experience" has made me think more about things I wasn't sure about. Who knows if any of it is true?  I won't know until I get to the other side, if there is one.  If it makes me happy now, what harm is it?  We (my husband and I) see a grief counselor (really for my grief) Since he is a psychologist, he is helping work on our marriage, i.e. my husband telling me the Cardinal was not a sign. The counselor asked him why he said that and he said because he didn't believe it, so he was asked if your wife believes it, what harm is it?  If it isn't hurting me or anyone else, then I should be able to have my moment.  Now I know that I have to keep things like that to myself in certain cases.  I asked for a sign from Parker, and that Cardinal perched itself a few feet from me.  It was like my dream came true and my prayers were answered.  I hadn't smiled in such a long time, it was something I needed. I don't know how much of it is true, but I can still have some hope that it is.  As I asked in a previous post,  "Without hope, what is there?"   

You and I have had sudden losses. We felt how deep that cut is.  I'm sure you, just as I, would not have been as devastated if our best friends passed from old age. We are realistic and know we all can't live forever.  Our circumstances put us in a different place. We never got to say goodbye. We were forced to accept a loss that we were not prepared for. These signs are what we need.  The dream you had, so real and vivid, and more signs for you to come.  My visits from the Cardinal -- after I wrote and spoke aloud and asked Parker to send me a sign.  Some other things I felt may have been signs -- the only moment when Leroy was affectionate when he is not and was never like that. (Parker was the only affectionate one.  I have always known and said that.)  These are things we can hold near and dear to our hearts.  A connection. A path to the future when we see Katsu and Parker again. Something to hold on to.

I welcome anything that will make me smile, make me feel happy, and draw me away from the darkest place I have ever been in my life.  I need to be drawn to the light, not to the darkness, where I've spent most of the last 7 months.  

I want to believe. I choose to believe. 

Katsu, if you can hear me, please keep coming back to give your Dad signs that you are near. Please continue to appear in happy moments in his dreams. Please show him a sign or something special that only you and he would know.  Show him a sign.  He misses you so very much.

Parker, if you can hear me, please keep coming back. I need to know you will stay with me until it is my time. The Cardinal was here and your Mom smiled for the first time in many, many months.  I want to believe it was you. Send the Cardinal to me and I will always believe you are with me. Show me a sign or something that only you and I would know.  I miss you. 
MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 152
 #122 

Hi Kelly,
Angel Blackie's mom and Angel Squeeker's mom

My husband told me he always sees Cardinals. I thought that was funny because the only places he would see them are here, at home, and I know he would have called me to get my camera to get pictures. (It's a couple of years that I have this new camera and I never get a chance to use it.)  If he saw one, he would have told me. The other place where he spends the 50% of his time, is at work.  Cardinals in the airport or on the tarmac?  I don't think so.  He works at the airport. If he meant that he saw them here several times, I told him that it is quite a possibility because when I heard it, it was on the side near my neighbor, Susan. My neighbor whose husband passed away in their yard, close to my property. He had a heart attack 22 years ago. She was only 56. He just retired. Her son passed away at 49 a few years ago, and her dog, who her son gave to her, passed away last summer. So, if my husband really did see cardinals here, I told him it's very possible some were here for Susan. Now one is here for me, us. I will make him a believer. If he doesn't believe now, then he may believe in spirits if I pass before him and I come back to haunt him!!  That should get him to believe.  

I've been hearing the Cardinal singing. I know now what it sounds like, so I am certain.  It's been very hot, so I haven't been outside much, but I know the Cardinal is near. I hear it calling.  It is very possible you are being visited by Blackie.  If you see more Cardinals then you did in the past, then it also may be Squeeker.  Keep thinking about that connection with the spirit. What harm is it?  If it makes you happy, that is more reason to keep believing.  In this short life we have, and the shorter one our pets have, and this crazy world, why not savor the moment something brings us peace and a smile.  The circumstances around my dog's passing tore out my heart.  I lost 17 lbs. in 3 months. I couldn't do much of anything for 4 months. My blood pressure is normal now, it's always been around 105/60. During my darkest time, my blood pressure was 141/84. It's never gone higher than 112/70.  It was an eye opener for me. I needed to get back on track.  I must be strong for my other 2 dogs. 

I heard about "signs" a couple of months ago. I kept writing to my dog (Parker) asking him to give me a sign, come in my dream, something.  One day, my other dog, Leroy (a Beagle) who has never been affectionate, decided to be affectionate. This was after he jumped on my bed out of nowhere which was also unlike him. He would never come up on the bed. Parker and his brother Porter were the smaller ones and were always able to jump on the bed. While Leroy was being affectionate, kissing me, I felt a good warm feeling come over me, that Parker was with me. I was never one to believe things like that. I didn't doubt them, but I didn't go looking for them, yet it was right there in front of me.  There was day that Leroy had drippy eyes. Parker was the only one who had the drippy eyes. He and Porter were part Chihuahua and Beagle. We always figured Parker had the Chihuahua drippy eyes, common for them.  Despite giving Leroy a daily allergy med, he had the drippy eyes. I used to put drops in Parker's eyes at bedtime. He was so good about it. He knew it made him feel better.  He was a brave little dog.  I gave Leroy the drops for a few days and it cleared up. I thought maybe that was a sign, Parker was coming through Leroy.  It was the Cardinal that convinced me. 

There's nothing wrong with feeling some happiness. There's nothing wrong with believing about something good.  I want to be happy. I want to smile again.  I will continue to believe.  Please continue to believe those Cardinals are there for you and keep smiling.  

~ Parker's Mom




KatKat

Registered:
Posts: 171
 #123 
Hi Parker's mom, I believe those we love send us messages in different ways, for you it's a cardinal for someone else it could be something entirely different.  Continue to find comfort and peace in your belief.  Don't let your husband's comments take this away from you.  
Napalmakita66

Registered:
Posts: 137
 #124 
Agreed. We all get to think and believe whatever we want. You do whatever works for you. Living without seeing all the amazing possibilities in front of us seems like a very limited and sad existence.
MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 152
 #125 

My Dear Peanut,

Parker, I am missing you so much more, the last couple of days. I have tried to keep busy, so I am not sad, but you are always on my mind.  This house has too many memories of you.  I would move if I could.  I keep wanting to see you here and reality sets in.  You will never be here again. The word “never” is so heartless.  I should have “never” let you go to that place.  I never wanted you to go. I never got around to cancel.  I never wanted anything bad to happen to you.  I never wanted to be missing you, not so soon.

I get so stuck Parker. It does not seem natural or good to do things knowing you are not here staring up at me with your sparkling eyes; following me all over the house because you always wanted to be close to me; peeking down the stairs at me and then running down with your squeaky toy;  jumping up and down to go out; and biting your brother Leroy’s ears and legs  when it was time to eat. Nothing seems right without your silliness and affection.

I have been waiting for you, for the Cardinal to appear again. It has been very hot. I was not outside much. I heard some birds. I think one may have been the Cardinal.  If that was you, Parker, please stay near and close. I need you to be around.  Next week your brother Leroy needs to get some small lumps removed. He has to be sedated.  I am worried. I know you will watch over him and keep him safe.

I should have worried this much for you. I didn’t know. I need you to watch over Leroy.  We are going to Dr. Chris so I know for sure he will be safe, but then, you never know. I am sorry we did not take you to Dr. Chris. I know in my heart you would be here today. I wish you could have spoken to me.  I know you would have told me that was not the place for you.  I know now and I live with that pain every day.  I know you would have told me to please take you to Dr. Chris instead.  I know you always liked him, and he was so good with you. He knew how to make you feel at ease.

I think about how you felt that day and wondered where we were.  I think about you feeling so lost. Why we left you there.  I am so sorry.  I often wonder how lonely and abandoned you felt.  It was not your usual place. That was my mistake.

Your visits here and your message from the Cardinal, told me you forgive me.  I want to believe that. So, Parker, please come back again. Please don’t go away.  Always stay nearby. 

Parker, please watch over your brothers.  They both miss you.  I want Leroy to be okay. Please keep an eye on him and protect him next week.  For Leroy, for me, please.  And for your brother, Porter.  He and Leroy stay together a lot.  They are not as close with each other as you were to both.   You were their best friend.   You three are my best friends.  My only children. You know how much I LOVE YOU.  I love you all the same.  I miss you more because you are not here.  I wish you could be here next to me. I don’t believe it sometimes. Parker, sometimes I think I am in a dream.  At night, when your brothers are sleeping, I think to myself that you are there with them.  I hope you are there with them in spirit. 

Nothing I say will bring you back. I do not have that magical power.  You do. You can work your magic by coming by as the Cardinal, and other signs that you can give me.  I never believed any of that before. The last couple of times I have honestly felt your presence.  I want to believe.  Make me a believer, Parker.

I LOVE YOU FOREVER, AND EVER, AND EVER

MOM

MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 152
 #126 
HELLO PARKER, MY SWEET LITTLE ANGEL,

I am looking for you today.  I have not seen a sign from you yet.  I was not outside for long.  I am outside now as the sun goes behind the trees and it gets cooler.  I will keep looking for you and be optimistic that my belief is real, that you are here and will not leave.  

Your brothers are in the house after being outside.  It became too hot for them.  I do wish you were here.  I wish I could see you sunbathing and rolling on your back as you loved to do.  I do not know anymore how I should feel.  I feel guilty if I feel good because it is so unfair you are not enjoying your life.  Then, I do not want to be sad because I think you can feel it and I also do not want to make your brothers feel sad. They already know the dynamic has changed here.  How could any of us not know you are gone?  You were the force that kept us together.  You made us happy. You kept us smiling and happy.  You were the glue. You were our hero.  You were the strength in all of us. You taught us all of this, but it is not the same without you here. Blame me for that.  I believe you forgive me.  You were always sweet and angelic.

Until I see you again, with your sign from the Cardinal, or another sign, please keep us all in your heart.  We all love you.  We all miss you.

I LOVE YOU UNTIL THE EARTH STOPS TURNING, UNTIL THE SUN FALLS OUT OF THE SKY

LOVE MOM


MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 152
 #127 

DEAR PARKER, MY PRECIOUS ANGEL,

Yesterday, your brother Leroy had drippy-runny eyes. It dripped down both sides of his nose. You were the only one to have that. It has only been the last two times that Leroy has had this.  Once in a while, your brother Porter would have it, but never as much as you. It was every day for you. You would always let me put drops in your eyes, you knew you felt better after I did that.  Leroy would not allow me to use the drops, so I did not get a chance to clean up his eyes.  This morning it was gone!  Just like that!  Now I am asking myself if that was you?  Was that you again?  He had the runny eyes about a month ago and I thought the same thing.  Parker, if that was you, please come to me today.  I have been hearing the Cardinal. It has been nearby.  Please come to me, send the Cardinal to me.  I want to know if any of this is another sign from you. 

Dad is not home now, and your Mom is having a rough time.  You may be seeing me cry today.  I do not want to be sad, but it is a struggle not seeing you here. Yesterday we let Leroy run around the yard without his leash. We used to let the two of you do that and you both would chase each other and have such a good time together.  As usual, Porter was still on his leash.  You know he would take off if he was loose. Leroy ran up to Porter to try to play with him, and he snapped at Leroy.  He was never good friends with him as you were to both.  Their best friend, and brother.  We let Leroy and Porter run around in the garden without their leashes.  You loved being in that garden.  Just as your brothers do, you loved the different scents from each plant.  I could always trust leaving you and your brothers in there to play and not wreck the garden.  How I miss those times.  I miss you.

Tomorrow Leroy will be getting some small lumps removed by Dr. Chris.  I am a little worried because he is being checked for skin cancer.  I am also somewhat worried because he has to be sedated, but I know Dr. Chris will check his blood work the same morning and he uses the best modern and mildest sedatives that will not harm Leroy.  I am still a little worried.  I am asking you, Parker, to please protect your brother tomorrow.  Please use your magic and take care of him.  You always used your magic with him and Porter by making them feel safe and loved.  You were the most lovable and always gave your love to me, too.  I hope I gave you enough love in return.  I always wanted you three to feel loved by me.  I would do anything for all of you.  I would run in a burning building to rescue any of you.  I do not know how I failed to keep you safe.  Sometimes evil is stronger than good and I could not prevent the evil that happened.  Again, I am very sorry, and I wish I could make it right.

I will be looking for you today and each day from now on.  Please come to me.  Show me a sign, Parker.

YOU DESERVED SO MUCH MORE.  I WISH I COULD BRING YOU BACK, BUT I LACK THE MAGIC SKILLS YOU HAVE.

MY LITTLE ANGEL, I LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH.  FOREVER AND ALWAYS.

LOVE,

MOM

 

 

 

 

MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 152
 #128 

HELLO MY LITTLE PARKER,

I am still missing you so very much.  Your brothers were on the deck this morning. It rained last night. I remember telling all of you not to lick the water after it rained. I did not want you to get sick from standing water. I watched over all of you like a hawk.  I cannot understand how I let this happen. You and I were very close. You were my little model when I made clothes for you guys.  I remember how good you were about trying on the clothes. I would put them on you and take them off, over and over.  What good little boy.  I knew that then. The last time you had your modeling session was just before this happened. I remember that day so clearly.  You kept coming in the room to let me know it was time to eat. I asked you to wait a few minutes. I was just finishing up your little coat. I put away that coat. I cannot look at it now.  It hurts too much. I am sorry if I am making you sad. Mom is very sad. 

I did not hear the Cardinal for a while, but I heard it on Thursday and I saw it yesterday. I hope that was you, Parker.  Please give me any sign. I will look for it. I wish you were here. Every single day I want you to be here.  I miss you every day. 

Your brother Leroy needed minor surgery on his face last Monday.  He had two small cysts removed, he also got his teeth cleaned.  Parker, I know you watched over him because he is doing very well.  One cyst  was on his eyelid and being checked for cancer.  My baby, I am praying your brother does not have cancer.  I should know by Wednesday.  I know you will make it right. Leroy must wear a cone. He is getting used to it.  He managed to pick up his squeaky toy in the cone and squeak it while running around.  I know the two of you would have had so much fun.  You would have tried to take the squeaky from him.  He has been pretty good going up the stairs and opening doors. I was surprised when he came upstairs on his own and pushed open the bedroom door with his cone.  It is kind of funny and cute.  I am glad Leroy did not try to go down the stairs. That would be dangerous. I keep the gate closed to the stairway. I keep the door closed to the basement.  Nothing is going to happen to Leroy or Porter.  I will make sure of it.

Parker, I hope you are spiritually here with us.  I hope your brothers can feel your spirit. Leroy looks sad.  I absolutely know he is missing you.  You were there for your brothers.  You never left Leroy’s side. You were there when Leroy was sick. I remember you kissing him on the face. I have pictures you the two of you. I always loved those pictures.  I knew from the start how close you and Leroy were. You were close to your brother, too. You were their best friend. 

You were my little sweetheart. One of my three best friends in the world. I am missing one.  How could they do this to us and never give me an explanation?   I am so sorry Parker that I allowed you go there. It hurts me so much.  I wish I could make it up to you.  The only things I can do are to keep talking and writing to you, take very good care of your brothers, and I will never forget you.

My sweet little baby remember that Mom has always loved you. I will be looking for a sign from you. I would much rather have you here. 

FOREVER YOU WILL BE IN MY HEART AND I WILL FOREVER LOVE YOU.

LOVE,

MOM

 

MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 152
 #129 

MISSING YOU, PARKER, MY PRECIOUS ANGEL, 

I clearly remember the night I was on the desktop computer in the other room shopping for your Dad’s birthday and Christmas presents.   I waited until he was asleep to do my shopping. You slowly walked in the room. You were unsure if you could be in there with me.  You saw me smile and then I got one of your beds so you could be comfortable. You stayed with me the entire time. Just watching me.  You always followed me around the house. I loved that.  Sometimes I didn’t even know you were there until I went downstairs and then I would look for you.  I miss that.

Your brother Leroy misses you so much.  He is wearing a cone because of his surgery.  I know you would be kissing and grooming him.  You would always groom him and your other brother and look at me while you were doing it.  It was as if to say, “Hey, look at me.”  You were such a “licky and licking” kind of dog. When you were done with your meal, you would lick your bowl dry.  When you gave me kisses, you always went for the lips.  I would tell you, “No, not on my lips,” but it was too late.  You already slobbered me up.  You were so lovable. I have never had a dog who was as lovable as you. You spread your love among all of us.  It was never-ending love.  I miss that. 

Parker, I don’t know how to get by some days.  Time seems to stand still, yet it goes by fast. The world keeps turning, so I have to keep up, but it is very difficult without you.  Each day is a struggle without you. I expect to see you in the morning, rolling around on your back, trying to copy your brother, Porter.  You really didn’t know how to roll around like he does.  You and Leroy would mimic him, but he is the official back roller. He is Curly Howard reincarnated, but then sometimes I would think he was more like Moe.  You were still very cute when you rolled on your back.  I miss that.

You three were my “maniacs.”  It was crazy time in the morning, at feeding time, and going outside.  Things are so different here without you.  It seems more serious. It is quiet now. There are no maniacs.  You were the leader. The craziness is gone.  I miss that.

Parker, I am hurting.  I need you here. We need you. This is not the way it was supposed to be.  I planned to take portraits this summer of you three and put the prints on the walls.  That will not happen now. For some reason your brothers run the other way when they see the camera.  Of the three of you, you were the one who was so good posing for pictures.  I miss that.

Parker, one night when you were out late with your Dad, I came to get you and Porter. I put the two of you in my car.  You left muddy footprints on the back seats and on my console.  I have not washed them off.  I will never wash them off.  You were so cute when in the car.  I miss that.

Parker, everything I did, I did it for you three little ones.  My “Boys.”  You were all my Baby Boys. I washed your bowls daily. I washed your bedding weekly. I did not use dryer sheets. I was concerned about the chemicals.  I worried about you breathing in those strong odors from paint stain so, I did not stain the wall trim.  It was never a burden to do things for you and your brothers.  It makes me happy to care for them.  I wish I could care for you now.  I miss you.

Parker, the Cardinal has been here for a couple of days.  It has been in our yard.  Please stay if that is you or your messenger.  I am wanting to believe you are with me, and that you are telling me you are safe and you forgive me.  I miss you.

I LOVE YOU FOR ETERNITY

LOVE,

MOM

 

Napalmakita66

Registered:
Posts: 137
 #130 
Parker's mom- I feel the emotion in your words and I know how hard it is when the little one that became part of our lives on a daily basis isn't there any more. They take a piece of your soul and things just won't be the same without them. Things can be good again, but different for sure.
I still look for Katsu several times a day. I would clean and refresh his water bowl 2 or 3 times a day and I still find myself looking in the kitchen corner to check it...it's gone now but I can't help it. I don't even go in the back yard anymore..we spent hours a day back there..running,wrestling, exploring..it's just not the same, too many memories. Inside the house is empty and quiet.
You don't have to want to believe the cardinal is your little Parker...you know. Just believe and enjoy all the signs he's sending you from the universe. Our little pups are there..they don't leave us. He'll send you signs all day if your ready to receive them. Take care. -Katsu's dad
MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 152
 #131 
Hi Katsu's Dad.  I am still full of emotion.  My Alpha Dog is gone. The house is quiet. His brothers are quiet. Nothing is the same, and that's a fact.  I know what you are going through when you are looking for Katsu.  I'm glad I have all of you here because the outside world doesn't understand the same way.  The Cardinal has been here and there. I do hear it. I saw it playing with a Blue Jay one day.  We both know it's not the same without them right next to us.  Take care and keep in touch.  ~ Parker's Mom
MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 152
 #132 

DEAR PARKER, MY SWEETHEART,

While I was driving the other day, I heard songs that reminded me of when I used to have you dance with me. You were so small, I had to kneel, stand you up on your back feet, and hold onto your paws. Then I would gently turn you side to side and sing along to the music. You loved that!  You, with your tiny paws, a little larger than my thumbs. What a good sport you were!  You would dance with me until the song was over. More good songs would play, so I had to switch to Leroy and give you a break. Your tiny little feet could stand only so long. “Satisfaction”, “The Twist”, and “Till I Kissed You” were some of my favorite songs to “cut a rug” with you. You used to like to bop to “Doo-Wop” music.   I wanted so badly to dance with you when I got home the other day, but then reality hit me that you are not here. I felt very sad, Parker. Your happy little face would light up when you heard the music. It breaks my heart that we can’t do that anymore.  I think you would have sung along if you could talk.   

My Little Peanut, you are always on my mind, in my heart, and in my soul.  I will cherish you forever.

Your brother Leroy’s cysts were benign. He got his stitches out and he does not need the cone anymore.  He was getting used to that cone. I could not believe how he managed to go up and down the stairs with no problem. He was having fun using the cone as a basket to catch his squeaky toy.  I wonder if he will miss the cone.  Parker, I know you protected him.  Parker, your brother Porter is not feeling well. The boundless energy all three of you has caught up with him.  For the last couple of weeks, he has been running around here, up and down the stairs, running out to the deck, barking at everything and everyone. He must have pulled something in his lower back or maybe Leroy banged into him with the cone.  He saw Dr. Chris who set him up with meds. He is better than what he was, but he needs to rest. Once he is better, I will keep a close eye on him.  His endless energy makes him think he is Superdog.  I know you will watch over him. 

Parker, your Mom is not the same since you are not here. This entire situation has changed me. I will not trust anyone except for Dr. Chris.  Leroy had his teeth cleaned when he had the cysts removed. I was told his teeth were very clean before they cleaned them. It was good news, but also alarming. I think now that you did not need your teeth cleaned, and they could have waited. I believe we were steered the wrong way and none of what you went through was necessary.  I always worry you were kept in a fearful state and it was completely wrong and immoral for them not to send you home. Parker, I just hope you did not suffer. I am so very sorry. You Mom lives with this horrible thought and it eats away at my brain. I was and I am still so devoted to you.  I would never put you in danger.  I trusted they would use good judgment and do the right thing. I am so sorry, my baby.  I have trouble believing all of this is real.  

Please forgive me.  You Mom feels pain about this, and I am trying to move forward. The world turns, yet I stand still.  I need you to watch over me, too.  I need your encouragement.  You were always so strong and very forgiving. I am sorry. I want you here I want to see you staring down from the top of the stairs. I want to see you teasing and biting Leroy’s ear and leg. I want to see you grooming your brothers. I want to see you in your little bed waiting for me. 

I LOVE YOU.  I MISS YOU SO VERY MUCH. I WILL WRITE AGAIN.

LOVE,

MOM

 

 

 

 

MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 152
 #133 
To My Dearest Sweet Little Peanut,
This is for you, My Love
 
I'll See You Again (song by Westlife)
 
Always you will be part of me
And I will forever feel your strength
When I need it most
You're gone now, gone but not forgotten
I can't say this to your face
But I know you hear
 
I'll see you again
You never really left
I feel you walk beside me
I know I'll see you again
 
When I'm lost, I'm missing you like crazy
And I tell myself I'm so blessed
To have had you in my life, my life
 
I'll see you again
You never really left
I feel you walk beside me
I know I'll see you again
 
When I had the time to tell you
I never thought I'd live to see the day
When the words I should have said
Would come to haunt me
In my darkest hour I tell myself
I'll see you again
 
I'll see you again
You never really left
I feel you walk beside me
I know I'll see you again
 
I'll see you again
You never really left
I feel you walk beside m know I'll see you again
 
I will see you again
I'll see you again
I miss you like crazy
You're gone but not forgotten
I'll never forget you
Someday I'll see you again
I feel you walk beside me
Never leave you, yeah
Gone but not forgotten
I feel you by my side
No this is not goodbye
 
Songwriters: Andrew Gerard Hill / Michelle Lena Poole
MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 152
 #134 
My heart is broken into a centillion pieces.  It would take more than a lifetime to put it together.  I cry as many tears. 

. . . Please help me mend my broken heart
And let me live again
Napalmakita66

Registered:
Posts: 137
 #135 
We will see them again. -Katsu's dad
MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 152
 #136 
My marriage was not perfect before (whose is?), but this has particular loss has put a strain on my marriage. It seems to be falling apart.

I don't have my little "Rock" to make it better.
Napalmakita66

Registered:
Posts: 137
 #137 
Counseling, therapy and for the love of god..communicate.
Maki

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Posts: 8
 #138 
This happened to me on August 8th, 2019. I'm having a hard time dealing with guilt. My Baby should've never been left at the hospital. She died alone, terrified, in an oxygen cage. She was semiferal. I thought it was her best chance. Actually, I don't know what I was thinking. I was just beginning to gather information on the disease, at that moment everything sounded so terminal. When she was left she really didn't have symptoms, except for regurgitating. We had been treating her for myaesthenia gravis, and then she developed Magaesophagus. Had she come home, I was already getting a Bailey chair built for her. She died from anxiety and fear. She was probably panting and trying to catch her breath, and they treated her for pneumonia when she didn't even have a fever.
I'm only functioning because I have five other dogs that need me. Some relatives just want to know how many I have left and saying don't get another one to replace him, they've tied you down and you can't go travel. I don't want to talk to any of them.
I'm so sorry for your little Baby. Vets need to know anxiety can be deadly. She wouldn't have died at home. And if she had, she would've been in my arms.
Napalmakita66

Registered:
Posts: 137
 #139 
I'm very sorry. That sounds like a very difficult situation. It's hard talking to people who are on the outside looking in. I'm gong through personal issues now and it's really pointless trying to share it with anyone. It was the same when my pupper passed.
You make your choices, go on your own time and do whatever works for you.
Take time to heal and be well to yourself. Enjoy the time you have with your other pets. -Katsu's dad
MyLittleOneIsGone

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Posts: 152
 #140 
Hi Maki, I am so sorry for what you have gone through.  Although other people don't always understand the loss we feel unless they have the same, they may be right about not getting another one, at least for now. I've heard that sometimes it's too soon to get a new pet, that waiting is better when we are in a different state of mind. Your other dogs will get you through this.  The vet I went to didn't have a clue about fear and anxiety, making him incompetent. The procedure should have been aborted and I should have been called. This vet acknowledged his fear,, writing it in the notes, that's what hurts so much, that my dog was held captive. Like you, I feel my little one felt abandoned and became more fearful. I deal with guilt, too. We will beat ourselves up until there's nothing left of us. I have been trying to escape it by watching for signs and I write letters to my little one. I've seen one Cardinal in my yard several times and I've been told it may be a sign from him that he is with me and is okay. There are other signs, many books on signs from the afterlife. The other day there was a swarm of dragonflies that came out of nowhere. There is no water near me.  There must have been 25-30 of them. They circled my deck for about 30 minutes and then disappeared as fast as they came. It was very strange. I did some reading and read that some cultures and religions believe they are signs of prosperity, and other things. None of us know for sure about signs, but we can try to believe because it could be true. It can give us hope and peace within ourselves.  ~ Parker's Mom
MyLittleOneIsGone

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Posts: 152
 #141 
Hello My Little Peanut,

I am missing you so very much.  The days seem to drag without you being here.  I am keeping Leroy and Porter company.  Porter is feeling better since he injured himself, or Leroy fell on him.  See, Parker, if you were here, you and Leroy would have been together and Porter may not have gotten hurt.  You were always the hero in his house.  

I heard the Cardinal today.  I was hoping it was your message that you came to visit and you are okay.  I will be writing you a long letter.  I have a lot of good things to say to you, my sweetheart.  


Parker, your Mom is praying to novenas.  One to St. Anthony and one to St. Jude.  When they work and come true, I will tell you all about them.  

I Love You my special little one.  Please remember we will be together again one day.  It seems like forever.  I will hold you again, and near to my heart.  You are my special sweetie.  No one can take your place. 

Parker, My Little Peanut, I think about you day and night, night and day.  Your love still fills the air that I breathe. You are always with me and I will always be with you.  

Missing you, my little boy,

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

More loving thoughts to follow.

Love,
Mom
Napalmakita66

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Posts: 137
 #142 
Very powerful and lovely words Parker's mom. -Katsu's dad
MyLittleOneIsGone

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Posts: 152
 #143 
Thank you Katsu's Dad.  Katsu's spirit and love embraces you always. ~ Parker's Mom
MyLittleOneIsGone

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Posts: 152
 #144 

My Darling Little Peanut,

It seems I cannot get it together sometimes.  I do not feel like I used to.  I am missing your spark and gusto that kept us all energized. Your sparkle is only a memory now for me.  Time is going by fast and I do not know how I will be on Christmas Eve. I already feel my heart racing.  There are days I am in a trance and I just go with the motions. If the world were flat, I would fall off.

I always think about when you made life so much fun in our home. When I use the SodaStream, I always think of how excited you would get when you would hear its buzzing sound. Then your brother, Porter would chime in and the two of you would get so crazy about it.  There was something about that buzzing sound that would get you going.  Odd noises would excite you.  I would love to tease you by popping bubble wrap. You hated the small bubbles.  A couple of pops and you would run toward it as if to attack it.  It was funny watching you. Your brother Leroy did not like when I popped the big bubbles. He would run back and forth and bark.

The three of you were humorously entertaining, like the times I would lower the Freddy Krueger doll by a rope and dangle him. Oh wow, you three would go berserk. Neither of you liked Freddy.  Porter wanted to tear him apart. I remember when he ripped off his leg.  It was hysterical to watch all of you chase that doll.

What an acrobat you were for a small dog!  When you were young, you could jump very high.  There were so many times we found you on the counter, and one time in the sink.  We could not believe the strength you had to jump that high.  We were amazed.  We were not told that you were part Jack Russell and you didn’t look like one, but you could jump like one. There was a day when we let the three of you run loose while we went out. You guys got hold of a cereal box. I left a box of cereal on the counter. We did not know at that time that you could jump like that. We came home and there was the box and the empty cereal bag, on the floor. We could not figure out how you guys got that cereal. Then we figured it out. It was you who jumped on the counter, then you had your lookout guys, Porter and Leroy, to make sure the coast was clear, and you knocked down the box. Then the three of you had a feeding frenzy. There wasn’t a crumb left behind.

There was the time we left the three of you in our bedroom. We were only gone for a short while. We figured you would lie down on your beds and maybe look out the window.  What could go wrong?  It seemed like a safe place for you boys to hang out for a little bit. Well, I forgot I left a tall plastic cup on my dresser. It had a little bit of iced tea in it. Just enough I guess for you to see or to smell. You, Parker, were the leader of this pack, again.  You somehow got from my nightstand to the dresser and knocked over the cup. When we got home, we found a chewed-up cup. Good thing there wasn’t a lot of liquid in it.  When you jumped on my nightstand and dresser, your little nails scratched the tops. At one time I was going to sand out the scratches and fix it, but I am glad I didn’t.  I think of you and your crazy shenanigans every time I see those scratches. I don’t care about those scratches.  I would trade them to have you here with me.  None of that matters anymore. You could scratch all the furniture if I could have you back, my sweetheart.

I miss your zany escapades.  It is as if there is a power outage in our home without you here.  It is dark. The light has gone out. You were the light. You were the spark that made the light shine.  I struggle each day without you.  I know Leroy does, too.  I feel bad for him because he does not understand. I don’t understand either.  None of it makes sense.

Parker, the other day I learned that a couple lost their home to a fire. Everything they had is gone. They also lost their two dogs and a cat.  I want to ask you to take care of their pets and watch over them. They died a horrible way. The dogs are Daisy and Max, and the cat is Tucker.  Please help them find their way without their parents.  I know you can take care of them. I know how strong you are. You are stronger than I am. I always admired your strength. Also, please watch over your brothers, Porter and Leroy.  You are a driving force to keep them strong and healthy.

Parker, I saw you in my dream the other day. You were shaking your squeaky toy.  I walked toward you and suddenly you disappeared. It was a dream of you within a dream. I want you to come back in my dreams, with a sign, anything so that I can feel your presence. 

Parker, My Little Peanut, I Love You till the end of time.

Love,

Mom

MyLittleOneIsGone

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Posts: 152
 #145 

A LETTER TO PARKER FROM LEROY, HIS BROTHER

My Brother Parker,

You and Porter stayed with us for a while before we became brothers.  I felt the chemistry the day we met.  I remember the teasing and chops busting. We would bust each other all the time, but we know it was all in fun.  I think Mom would get nervous thinking we might get too rough, but we knew what we were doing.

I will never forget how you cared for me when I was sick. You knew how bad I felt, and you stayed by my side.  Mom thinks it was a food allergy and that I’d eat too fast.  Mom changed our food and got us those crazy bowls. I figured them out right away. I don’t think she knows that. I act like it’s hard for me to get to my food. I ’ll tell you bro, I’ve felt pretty good since she got me that bowl.  I remember you loved licking every last drop of your bowl.  I must have picked that up from you. Now I am doing it. 

My allergies are bothering me. Sneezing a lot. I keep forgetting not to put my face in the grass. I love smelling everything. You hardly had any allergies. I don’t remember you sneezing. I don’t remember you ever getting sick, except that time you had those fractured teeth. By the way, I saw Dr. Chris. I had 2 small lumps and he got rid of them. One was on my eyelid.  Mom thought I’d be scared when they removed the stitches. I didn’t even feel it.  He also cleaned my teeth. I got my rabies shot, too. It didn’t hurt.

Mom let me run around in the garden. There are a lot of pumpkins. She’s been adding pumpkin in our food.  I like it. You know I like everything. How about the time I ate cardboard?  I don’t do that anymore.

It’s so different without you.  Where are you, bro?  Heaven or something?  I never knew where you went.  I looked for you for months.  I thought you were at someone’s house or something. You never came back.  I’m sad, bro. I wish you were here.  We had so much fun together. Now it’s boring without you.  I sleep a lot.  It was so great when you were here.  You always wanted to play, and you liked taking my squeaky, but I always got it back from you. 

We had some crazy times.  I didn’t mind you biting my legs. It didn’t hurt. You liked biting my ears, too.  I know you were just kidding.  Anyway, I could whoop your butt if I wanted, but I never wanted to.

I love you brother.  I wish you were here now.  I’m confused why you’re gone.  I heard Mom talking about signs or something like that.  She said they may have been from you.  Can you give me a sign, too?  I want to know if you are okay.  My brother, I always think about you.  I miss you. 

Sometimes I see Mom crying.  I think she is crying because you are not here.  I feel like crying, too. I don’t want to make you sad, but I am sad.  I hope I see you again.  I’m looking for your sign, my brother.

Love,

Leroy

 

 
JimMillerPetLover

Registered:
Posts: 25
 #146 
Dear MyLittleOneIsGone:


  I am so sorry for your loss. I know your pain. I just lost my beloved Border Collie (Shelby). She had just turned (18) and was pronounced healthy at her most recent Vet examination. A few weeks ago she began to exhibit neurological impairment after being given a dose of Flea & Tick treatment. I had been giving her the treatment topically for (17) years without any evidence of distress. Now all of a sudden, she started to seizures and didn't survive the last one. I am absolutely crushed. The Vets seem to think that she was just susceptible to an adverse reaction due to her age, a brain tumor, Epilepsy, Stroke or impending Kidney Disease. I don't believe them. I think the Frontline treatment may have been tainted. Like you, I was meticulous in my dog's care (raw/home cooked diet. teeth brushing, lots of exercise, frequent social engagement with both dogs and humans and lots amd lots of love. I miss my little girl so much. This is so hard to write this but I have to grieve, I read a lot of your posts and know that your little Parker would want you to be strong and vigilant and carry on - as hard as it is.  I am reaching out to you so you will know that there a lot of people on this forum that care about you and support you 100%. We are all thinking of you. Keep posting and getting it all out in the open. We're here for you. 

Jim
MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 152
 #147 
My Sweet and Precious Little Baby,

I want you to know that part of my novena prayers has been granted.   I am still praying for the rest.  I will let you know when those are answered.


I am thinking of you all the time.  I miss you so much.  I will be writing more to you later, my sweet little one.

I LOVE YOU FOREVER,

Love,
Mom
Napalmakita66

Registered:
Posts: 137
 #148 
I'm glad to hear that your prayers are manifesting. It's Amazing what happens when our hearts are in the right place. Be well-Katsu's dad
MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 152
 #149 
TO MY SWEET LITTLE BABY, MY LITTLE PEANUT,

I haven’t written to you in a while. Your Mom has been a little down. I couldn’t write for a while. It was hurting too much.  I want to make up for it and tell you how much I miss you, my sweet little baby.

I have been thinking again about our dancing days.  I heard a lot of songs that I would have you dance to with me.  I hope you remember some of them.  They are mostly oldies.  “Sugar, Sugar”, “Limbo Rock”, and “Be My Baby”.  You ARE my baby and always will be.

The emptiness from losing you has left a hole in my heart.  It seems to get bigger as time goes on.  My heart is broken.  I am broken.  It is so much for me to bear sometimes because I know there is no reason you should not be here.  I miss you so much, my sweet Little Peanut.

Mom has been listening to a beautiful song called “I’ll See You Again.” I hope that is true. I want to see you again.  I hope you hear me singing it.  I sing it to you, my precious baby. I sing it loud and clear.  Especially the first two lines: “Always you will be part of me, and I will forever feel your strength.”  I have always been aware of your strength.  You were the strong one here. You were the glue.  You always amazed me.  You never cried or showed any pain when your teeth were fractured from the Nylabone. You were always calm. You never showed weakness.  Dr. Chris took good care of you and you were strong. 

There are so many beautiful words in that song that I sing to you: “You're gone now, gone but not forgotten. I can't say this to your face, but I know you hear.”   Please hear me, Parker.  I have not forgotten you.  Some days are hard for me.  I hope you understand, and you are not upset. I don’t want you to be unsettled.  More words from the song have so much meaning from me to you: “In my darkest hour I tell myself I'll see you again.”  I keep saying to myself that I will see you again.  Please know that, my little sweetie.  We will be together again.

I do feel you beside me. You are here.  Watching over us and protecting us with your strength and courage.  As the song says: “I'll see you again. You never really left. I feel you walk beside me. I know I'll see you again.”

Your brothers miss you.  They look around and I think they think you may appear at some point. They don’t understand.  I hope you read your brother Leroy’s letter.  He loves you so much.  You were his best friend.  The bestest friend and brother he could have. Your brothers will see you again and someday we will all be together.

We all love you and you will never be forgotten.  Please know that, my little one, in case I don’t write soon enough. I will keep singing the song to you: “I miss you like crazy. You're gone but not forgotten.  I'll never forget you.”

I am still praying my novenas.  I have faith they will be answered.  I will share them with you when all my prayers are answered. 

You are a special little dog.  It is difficult for me without you. I won’t lie. I have some rough days, but you give me strength to take care of your brothers.

I Love You so very much.  I miss you following me around the house.  I haven’t been baking or cooking too much.  It is hard when I expect to see you peek around the corner and tiptoe into the kitchen to be with me. 

Even if I am off-key, I will still sing the song to you: “When I'm lost, I'm missing you like crazy and I tell myself I'm so blessed to have had you in my life.”  I am blessed you were here and part of this family. We are still family. I miss you so much.  I want to hold you again. I miss your sweet little kisses.  I miss your bountiful affection.

Remember, My Little Peanut, I Love You forever.  My love for you is infinite.

LOVE,

MOM

  love-you-forever_1142-1675-33pct.jpg 

 

 

MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 152
 #150 
To My Lovable Little Boy and Wonderful Friend,

I miss you dearly. You are on my mind every single day. You are part of this family.  I cannot go a day without missing you. You missed out on a life that you truly enjoyed.  It has been so unfair to you. It's unfair to your brothers. To our home. You were taken. You were way too young. There are so many reasons you should be here.  It wasn't a higher power who made the decision.  Someone else, someone heartless made the choice to take you away from us by making a careless decision without consulting us.  One simple phone call and we would have been there to get you. You would be here now!  Healthy!  I have a hard time with this.  My little boy, you did not deserve this.  You loved everyone.  

Your Mom loves you so much, sometimes I can't sleep because at night I am missing you tremendously and then I think about this horrendous atrocity. I think and think, I hear your cries.  I could have been there to help you, to take you home, but you were kept from us. I never got to say goodbye. 


I'm so sorry my little one. I can't make it right. I can't fix it. That's what hurts so much.  It also hurts not knowing for sure if I will see you again.  Please send me a message. I need a sign of your love. The love you gave to all of us, all the time.  All of us together, couldn't give you back as much love and affection as you gave to us.  

My beloved Parker, please give us some signs. We miss you. You are always part of us.  You made us whole. Your strength, cuteness, devotion, and playfulness will live in my heart forever. 

I LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH.  I MISS YOU SO VERY MUCH.  Y Y Y Y

Love,

Mom

Y Y Y
MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 152
 #151 

Lost Without You, My Little Peanut

I seek your affection as time passes. I know you were the one who gave that to me.  It was your unfaltering affection that kept me comfortable and content. You filled me with confidence with your unconditional love. My little boy, I miss you so much.

Every day I cannot believe you are gone. It’s hard for me to understand how you were taken away under the circumstances.  I am weak at the knees that you are not here.  You were my guiding light. You showered me with your strength.  Your unbelievable zest and zeal awakened our spirits and kept all of us on top of the world.  Each day was a special one with you here. You made it special.

This is so wrong.  We need you here. We need your little doggy face to keep us smiling. We need your cuddles. Will I ever see you again?  It hurts. How could this happen?  I want you here. I’m so lost without you, my Little Peanut.

Parker, so many months have gone by and I am still feeling the pain of my loss.  I don’t know how to get by. The days and nights are empty.  I have a hollow feeling in my heart.  I don’t look forward to the holidays.  I want to block out the entire month of December. It is meaningless to me. It will be an unbearable time for me.  There will be no holiday in this house this year, maybe never again. It would be wrong to celebrate.  Disrespectful to you.  I want to jump forward to the new year. Parker, please send me a sign. I need to get through this difficult time. Anniversaries are happy celebrations. It’s not an anniversary. It’s a time I don’t want to remember.  I don’t know what to call it, except it may be my journey back into darkness. 

Parker, I am not sure if you were sending a sign through your brothers the other day. I didn’t finish this letter and sometime in between the day I started writing this and today, a few things happened.  I took Porter out and unlike him, he did the “burnout” with his front and back feet, just like you always did when you went out. It was so unlike Porter to do that.  I was so surprised, and I didn’t know what to think.  He did it with gusto, almost as if it was you doing it.  I almost thought it was you because you both looked so similar when looking down at the two of you.  The same day another unusual thing happened.  Leroy doesn’t play with his squeaky unless he just came in from outside and after he is told he was a good boy for doing “his thing.”  That’s when he comes in plays with his squeaky. He gets so excited as if he did a good deed and is proud of himself. The other time he will play with his squeaky is when we are present, and he wants to play.  This day was different.  I heard him making a lot noise and squeaking his toy while he was out on the deck. I peeked to see what he was doing, and he was playing alone. He was running back and forth squeaking his toy. He did this for a while.  I couldn’t figure out why he would do that while alone. He’s never done that before when he was alone. I had a thought that I don’t know if it could be true, but my thought was you were there with him in spirit and he felt your presence.  Parker, I hope my beliefs are true. I want to believe you are here in spirit. 

I hope and want to see you again.  I hope the Rainbow Bridge and afterlife beliefs are true. Without you now, I find it so hard to get through the day. You were such a happy little guy. You were everywhere I went. You loved to close and near to me.  You always made me smile. I don’t smile much these days. I love your brothers so very much. They are a lot alike, but you were unique. You were the affectionate and lovable one. I miss that. I wish I could go back in time and change all of this.  I regret decisions I made.  I want you to know that and forgive me.

I have a hard time believing you are not here. I cry sometimes and say to myself, “This is not real. It’s all wrong.”  It is wrong.

Parker, I Love You. Mom is always thinking of you. Day and night. Night and day.

I Love You so much.  I miss you.  Please stay near. I want to feel your spirit. If you could bring so much joy and happiness when you were here, I believe your spirit can do that, too.

I Love You Forever, My Little Peanut.

Mom

 

MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 152
 #152 
To My Wonderful Little Boy Who Gave So Much Love And Asked For None In Return,

I Love You. I would give my life for you.  You had so much more to live for. This poem is for you, My Little Peanut.


Tribute to a Best Friend

Sunlight streams through windowpane onto a spot on the floor...

then I remember,

it's where you used to lie, but now you are no more.



Our feet walk down a hall of carpet, and muted echoes sound...

then I remember,

it's where your paws would joyously abound.



A voice is heard along the road, and up beyond the hill,

then I remember,

it can't be yours… your golden voice is still.



But I'll take that vacant spot of floor and empty muted hall,

and lay them with the absent voice and unused dish along the wall.



I'll wrap these treasured memories in a blanket of my love,

and keep them for my best friend until we meet above.



Author Unknown

 

MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 152
 #153 

TO MY BELOVED PARKER,

A LOVABLE, INNOCENT LIFE LOST

Parker, I want to tell you that I am sorry for every time I said, “No” to you.  For every time I said, “Go inside.”  For every time it sounded like I didn’t want you to have fun. It wasn’t because I didn’t want you to have fun, or I didn’t love you. Most of the time it was because I didn’t want you to get hurt. Maybe you were coming near something or near where you might get hurt.   If you were going to jump up onto the bed, I would tell you not to. I did not want you to pull out your back or let something else happen to you.  When I told you to go inside it was because I may have been doing something where you could have gotten hurt or something could have fallen onto you.  I also said and did this with your brothers, too.  I am so very sorry Parker if at anytime I sounded mean to you. I love you and I was only watching out for you.  I always wanted you by my side. Why wouldn’t I?  You were quiet and undemanding. I never felt you were a bother. I always hugged you and your brothers after I thought maybe either of you felt offended.

I wish you were here today.  I wish you were here every day.  I don’t know what to do some days without you.  Leroy sleeps most of the time if it is not nice out since he cannot be out on the deck. I know you and he would be playing all day long, inside and outside, it never mattered.  All together you were my entertainment.  You got the fun going. Watching the three of you was better than TV or a movie.  

It’s not fun most of the time.  Your brother Porter is amusing when he rolls around on his back, pants when he’s excited, and funny when he looks out the window. Leroy is funny with his special noise he makes when yawning. He’s funny when he plays with his squeaky and when we try to take it away from him.  Most of that doesn’t happen on dreary, rainy days.  No matter what weather was outside, you were always “up” and ready to play, tease, and have fun.

The cold and dreary weather is upon me.  If there are any signs from you, they will need to be inside on most days. I am blocking out the entire month of December from my mind out of respect for you.  It will be an awful month for me. I don’t know if I will be writing to you. I don’t know if I will go into seclusion.  I don’t know if I will want to ski or do much this coming winter. It has now become a wrong time of year for me.  I look forward to spring, but right now that is a long way off.

I LOVE YOU WITH ALL OF MY HEART, MY SWEETIE.

AGAIN, I WILL SAY THAT I MISS YOU.  I WILL KEEP ON TELLING YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE AND MISS YOU.

LOVE,

MOM

 

 

 

MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 152
 #154 

From my little Parker.  He watches over me.

I LOVE YOU PARKER FOREVER.  PLEASE NEVER GO AWAY. PLEASE STAY NEAR. 

I Walk With You 

I stood by your bed last night,

I came to have a peep.
I could see that you were crying,

You found it hard to sleep.

I whined to you softly as you brushed away a tear,
“It’s me, I haven’t left you, I’m well, I’m fine, I’m here.”
I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you pour the tea,
You were thinking of the many times, your hands reached down to me.

I was with you at the shops today,

Your arms were getting sore.
I longed to take your parcels,

I wish I could do more.

I was with you at my grave today,

You tend it with such care.
I want to reassure you, that I’m not lying there.

I walked with you towards the house, as you fumbled for your key.
I gently put my paw on you, I smiled and said, “It’s me.”

You looked so very tired and sank into a chair.
I tried so hard to let you know, that I was standing there.

It’s possible for me, to be so near you every day.
To say to you with certainty, “I never went away.”

You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew…
in the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.

The day is over, and I smile and watch you yawning
and say, “Goodnight, God bless, I’ll see you in the morning.”

And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide,
I’ll rush across to greet you and we’ll stand side by side.

I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see.
Be patient, live your journey out, then come home to be with me.

Author unknown

 

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