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MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 131
 #121 
Yes Katsu's Dad, I agree about closed-minded people.  I'm not a fanatic when I believe something and I won't push it on others, but it's nice if I can share it with an open-minded person, it makes it more exciting.  I will be sharing these "sign" experiences with fellow pet loss people on the forum, people who also look outside the box.

This "Cardinal Experience" has made me think more about things I wasn't sure about. Who knows if any of it is true?  I won't know until I get to the other side, if there is one.  If it makes me happy now, what harm is it?  We (my husband and I) see a grief counselor (really for my grief) Since he is a psychologist, he is helping work on our marriage, i.e. my husband telling me the Cardinal was not a sign. The counselor asked him why he said that and he said because he didn't believe it, so he was asked if your wife believes it, what harm is it?  If it isn't hurting me or anyone else, then I should be able to have my moment.  Now I know that I have to keep things like that to myself in certain cases.  I asked for a sign from Parker, and that Cardinal perched itself a few feet from me.  It was like my dream came true and my prayers were answered.  I hadn't smiled in such a long time, it was something I needed. I don't know how much of it is true, but I can still have some hope that it is.  As I asked in a previous post,  "Without hope, what is there?"   

You and I have had sudden losses. We felt how deep that cut is.  I'm sure you, just as I, would not have been as devastated if our best friends passed from old age. We are realistic and know we all can't live forever.  Our circumstances put us in a different place. We never got to say goodbye. We were forced to accept a loss that we were not prepared for. These signs are what we need.  The dream you had, so real and vivid, and more signs for you to come.  My visits from the Cardinal -- after I wrote and spoke aloud and asked Parker to send me a sign.  Some other things I felt may have been signs -- the only moment when Leroy was affectionate when he is not and was never like that. (Parker was the only affectionate one.  I have always known and said that.)  These are things we can hold near and dear to our hearts.  A connection. A path to the future when we see Katsu and Parker again. Something to hold on to.

I welcome anything that will make me smile, make me feel happy, and draw me away from the darkest place I have ever been in my life.  I need to be drawn to the light, not to the darkness, where I've spent most of the last 7 months.  

I want to believe. I choose to believe. 

Katsu, if you can hear me, please keep coming back to give your Dad signs that you are near. Please continue to appear in happy moments in his dreams. Please show him a sign or something special that only you and he would know.  Show him a sign.  He misses you so very much.

Parker, if you can hear me, please keep coming back. I need to know you will stay with me until it is my time. The Cardinal was here and your Mom smiled for the first time in many, many months.  I want to believe it was you. Send the Cardinal to me and I will always believe you are with me. Show me a sign or something that only you and I would know.  I miss you. 
MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 131
 #122 

Hi Kelly,
Angel Blackie's mom and Angel Squeeker's mom

My husband told me he always sees Cardinals. I thought that was funny because the only places he would see them are here, at home, and I know he would have called me to get my camera to get pictures. (It's a couple of years that I have this new camera and I never get a chance to use it.)  If he saw one, he would have told me. The other place where he spends the 50% of his time, is at work.  Cardinals in the airport or on the tarmac?  I don't think so.  He works at the airport. If he meant that he saw them here several times, I told him that it is quite a possibility because when I heard it, it was on the side near my neighbor, Susan. My neighbor whose husband passed away in their yard, close to my property. He had a heart attack 22 years ago. She was only 56. He just retired. Her son passed away at 49 a few years ago, and her dog, who her son gave to her, passed away last summer. So, if my husband really did see cardinals here, I told him it's very possible some were here for Susan. Now one is here for me, us. I will make him a believer. If he doesn't believe now, then he may believe in spirits if I pass before him and I come back to haunt him!!  That should get him to believe.  

I've been hearing the Cardinal singing. I know now what it sounds like, so I am certain.  It's been very hot, so I haven't been outside much, but I know the Cardinal is near. I hear it calling.  It is very possible you are being visited by Blackie.  If you see more Cardinals then you did in the past, then it also may be Squeeker.  Keep thinking about that connection with the spirit. What harm is it?  If it makes you happy, that is more reason to keep believing.  In this short life we have, and the shorter one our pets have, and this crazy world, why not savor the moment something brings us peace and a smile.  The circumstances around my dog's passing tore out my heart.  I lost 17 lbs. in 3 months. I couldn't do much of anything for 4 months. My blood pressure is normal now, it's always been around 105/60. During my darkest time, my blood pressure was 141/84. It's never gone higher than 112/70.  It was an eye opener for me. I needed to get back on track.  I must be strong for my other 2 dogs. 

I heard about "signs" a couple of months ago. I kept writing to my dog (Parker) asking him to give me a sign, come in my dream, something.  One day, my other dog, Leroy (a Beagle) who has never been affectionate, decided to be affectionate. This was after he jumped on my bed out of nowhere which was also unlike him. He would never come up on the bed. Parker and his brother Porter were the smaller ones and were always able to jump on the bed. While Leroy was being affectionate, kissing me, I felt a good warm feeling come over me, that Parker was with me. I was never one to believe things like that. I didn't doubt them, but I didn't go looking for them, yet it was right there in front of me.  There was day that Leroy had drippy eyes. Parker was the only one who had the drippy eyes. He and Porter were part Chihuahua and Beagle. We always figured Parker had the Chihuahua drippy eyes, common for them.  Despite giving Leroy a daily allergy med, he had the drippy eyes. I used to put drops in Parker's eyes at bedtime. He was so good about it. He knew it made him feel better.  He was a brave little dog.  I gave Leroy the drops for a few days and it cleared up. I thought maybe that was a sign, Parker was coming through Leroy.  It was the Cardinal that convinced me. 

There's nothing wrong with feeling some happiness. There's nothing wrong with believing about something good.  I want to be happy. I want to smile again.  I will continue to believe.  Please continue to believe those Cardinals are there for you and keep smiling.  

~ Parker's Mom




KatKat

Registered:
Posts: 171
 #123 
Hi Parker's mom, I believe those we love send us messages in different ways, for you it's a cardinal for someone else it could be something entirely different.  Continue to find comfort and peace in your belief.  Don't let your husband's comments take this away from you.  
Napalmakita66

Registered:
Posts: 127
 #124 
Agreed. We all get to think and believe whatever we want. You do whatever works for you. Living without seeing all the amazing possibilities in front of us seems like a very limited and sad existence.
MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 131
 #125 

My Dear Peanut,

Parker, I am missing you so much more, the last couple of days. I have tried to keep busy, so I am not sad, but you are always on my mind.  This house has too many memories of you.  I would move if I could.  I keep wanting to see you here and reality sets in.  You will never be here again. The word “never” is so heartless.  I should have “never” let you go to that place.  I never wanted you to go. I never got around to cancel.  I never wanted anything bad to happen to you.  I never wanted to be missing you, not so soon.

I get so stuck Parker. It does not seem natural or good to do things knowing you are not here staring up at me with your sparkling eyes; following me all over the house because you always wanted to be close to me; peeking down the stairs at me and then running down with your squeaky toy;  jumping up and down to go out; and biting your brother Leroy’s ears and legs  when it was time to eat. Nothing seems right without your silliness and affection.

I have been waiting for you, for the Cardinal to appear again. It has been very hot. I was not outside much. I heard some birds. I think one may have been the Cardinal.  If that was you, Parker, please stay near and close. I need you to be around.  Next week your brother Leroy needs to get some small lumps removed. He has to be sedated.  I am worried. I know you will watch over him and keep him safe.

I should have worried this much for you. I didn’t know. I need you to watch over Leroy.  We are going to Dr. Chris so I know for sure he will be safe, but then, you never know. I am sorry we did not take you to Dr. Chris. I know in my heart you would be here today. I wish you could have spoken to me.  I know you would have told me that was not the place for you.  I know now and I live with that pain every day.  I know you would have told me to please take you to Dr. Chris instead.  I know you always liked him, and he was so good with you. He knew how to make you feel at ease.

I think about how you felt that day and wondered where we were.  I think about you feeling so lost. Why we left you there.  I am so sorry.  I often wonder how lonely and abandoned you felt.  It was not your usual place. That was my mistake.

Your visits here and your message from the Cardinal, told me you forgive me.  I want to believe that. So, Parker, please come back again. Please don’t go away.  Always stay nearby. 

Parker, please watch over your brothers.  They both miss you.  I want Leroy to be okay. Please keep an eye on him and protect him next week.  For Leroy, for me, please.  And for your brother, Porter.  He and Leroy stay together a lot.  They are not as close with each other as you were to both.   You were their best friend.   You three are my best friends.  My only children. You know how much I LOVE YOU.  I love you all the same.  I miss you more because you are not here.  I wish you could be here next to me. I don’t believe it sometimes. Parker, sometimes I think I am in a dream.  At night, when your brothers are sleeping, I think to myself that you are there with them.  I hope you are there with them in spirit. 

Nothing I say will bring you back. I do not have that magical power.  You do. You can work your magic by coming by as the Cardinal, and other signs that you can give me.  I never believed any of that before. The last couple of times I have honestly felt your presence.  I want to believe.  Make me a believer, Parker.

I LOVE YOU FOREVER, AND EVER, AND EVER

MOM

MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 131
 #126 
HELLO PARKER, MY SWEET LITTLE ANGEL,

I am looking for you today.  I have not seen a sign from you yet.  I was not outside for long.  I am outside now as the sun goes behind the trees and it gets cooler.  I will keep looking for you and be optimistic that my belief is real, that you are here and will not leave.  

Your brothers are in the house after being outside.  It became too hot for them.  I do wish you were here.  I wish I could see you sunbathing and rolling on your back as you loved to do.  I do not know anymore how I should feel.  I feel guilty if I feel good because it is so unfair you are not enjoying your life.  Then, I do not want to be sad because I think you can feel it and I also do not want to make your brothers feel sad. They already know the dynamic has changed here.  How could any of us not know you are gone?  You were the force that kept us together.  You made us happy. You kept us smiling and happy.  You were the glue. You were our hero.  You were the strength in all of us. You taught us all of this, but it is not the same without you here. Blame me for that.  I believe you forgive me.  You were always sweet and angelic.

Until I see you again, with your sign from the Cardinal, or another sign, please keep us all in your heart.  We all love you.  We all miss you.

I LOVE YOU UNTIL THE EARTH STOPS TURNING, UNTIL THE SUN FALLS OUT OF THE SKY

LOVE MOM


MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 131
 #127 

DEAR PARKER, MY PRECIOUS ANGEL,

Yesterday, your brother Leroy had drippy-runny eyes. It dripped down both sides of his nose. You were the only one to have that. It has only been the last two times that Leroy has had this.  Once in a while, your brother Porter would have it, but never as much as you. It was every day for you. You would always let me put drops in your eyes, you knew you felt better after I did that.  Leroy would not allow me to use the drops, so I did not get a chance to clean up his eyes.  This morning it was gone!  Just like that!  Now I am asking myself if that was you?  Was that you again?  He had the runny eyes about a month ago and I thought the same thing.  Parker, if that was you, please come to me today.  I have been hearing the Cardinal. It has been nearby.  Please come to me, send the Cardinal to me.  I want to know if any of this is another sign from you. 

Dad is not home now, and your Mom is having a rough time.  You may be seeing me cry today.  I do not want to be sad, but it is a struggle not seeing you here. Yesterday we let Leroy run around the yard without his leash. We used to let the two of you do that and you both would chase each other and have such a good time together.  As usual, Porter was still on his leash.  You know he would take off if he was loose. Leroy ran up to Porter to try to play with him, and he snapped at Leroy.  He was never good friends with him as you were to both.  Their best friend, and brother.  We let Leroy and Porter run around in the garden without their leashes.  You loved being in that garden.  Just as your brothers do, you loved the different scents from each plant.  I could always trust leaving you and your brothers in there to play and not wreck the garden.  How I miss those times.  I miss you.

Tomorrow Leroy will be getting some small lumps removed by Dr. Chris.  I am a little worried because he is being checked for skin cancer.  I am also somewhat worried because he has to be sedated, but I know Dr. Chris will check his blood work the same morning and he uses the best modern and mildest sedatives that will not harm Leroy.  I am still a little worried.  I am asking you, Parker, to please protect your brother tomorrow.  Please use your magic and take care of him.  You always used your magic with him and Porter by making them feel safe and loved.  You were the most lovable and always gave your love to me, too.  I hope I gave you enough love in return.  I always wanted you three to feel loved by me.  I would do anything for all of you.  I would run in a burning building to rescue any of you.  I do not know how I failed to keep you safe.  Sometimes evil is stronger than good and I could not prevent the evil that happened.  Again, I am very sorry, and I wish I could make it right.

I will be looking for you today and each day from now on.  Please come to me.  Show me a sign, Parker.

YOU DESERVED SO MUCH MORE.  I WISH I COULD BRING YOU BACK, BUT I LACK THE MAGIC SKILLS YOU HAVE.

MY LITTLE ANGEL, I LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH.  FOREVER AND ALWAYS.

LOVE,

MOM

 

 

 

 

MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 131
 #128 

HELLO MY LITTLE PARKER,

I am still missing you so very much.  Your brothers were on the deck this morning. It rained last night. I remember telling all of you not to lick the water after it rained. I did not want you to get sick from standing water. I watched over all of you like a hawk.  I cannot understand how I let this happen. You and I were very close. You were my little model when I made clothes for you guys.  I remember how good you were about trying on the clothes. I would put them on you and take them off, over and over.  What good little boy.  I knew that then. The last time you had your modeling session was just before this happened. I remember that day so clearly.  You kept coming in the room to let me know it was time to eat. I asked you to wait a few minutes. I was just finishing up your little coat. I put away that coat. I cannot look at it now.  It hurts too much. I am sorry if I am making you sad. Mom is very sad. 

I did not hear the Cardinal for a while, but I heard it on Thursday and I saw it yesterday. I hope that was you, Parker.  Please give me any sign. I will look for it. I wish you were here. Every single day I want you to be here.  I miss you every day. 

Your brother Leroy needed minor surgery on his face last Monday.  He had two small cysts removed, he also got his teeth cleaned.  Parker, I know you watched over him because he is doing very well.  One cyst  was on his eyelid and being checked for cancer.  My baby, I am praying your brother does not have cancer.  I should know by Wednesday.  I know you will make it right. Leroy must wear a cone. He is getting used to it.  He managed to pick up his squeaky toy in the cone and squeak it while running around.  I know the two of you would have had so much fun.  You would have tried to take the squeaky from him.  He has been pretty good going up the stairs and opening doors. I was surprised when he came upstairs on his own and pushed open the bedroom door with his cone.  It is kind of funny and cute.  I am glad Leroy did not try to go down the stairs. That would be dangerous. I keep the gate closed to the stairway. I keep the door closed to the basement.  Nothing is going to happen to Leroy or Porter.  I will make sure of it.

Parker, I hope you are spiritually here with us.  I hope your brothers can feel your spirit. Leroy looks sad.  I absolutely know he is missing you.  You were there for your brothers.  You never left Leroy’s side. You were there when Leroy was sick. I remember you kissing him on the face. I have pictures you the two of you. I always loved those pictures.  I knew from the start how close you and Leroy were. You were close to your brother, too. You were their best friend. 

You were my little sweetheart. One of my three best friends in the world. I am missing one.  How could they do this to us and never give me an explanation?   I am so sorry Parker that I allowed you go there. It hurts me so much.  I wish I could make it up to you.  The only things I can do are to keep talking and writing to you, take very good care of your brothers, and I will never forget you.

My sweet little baby remember that Mom has always loved you. I will be looking for a sign from you. I would much rather have you here. 

FOREVER YOU WILL BE IN MY HEART AND I WILL FOREVER LOVE YOU.

LOVE,

MOM

 

MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 131
 #129 

MISSING YOU, PARKER, MY PRECIOUS ANGEL, 

I clearly remember the night I was on the desktop computer in the other room shopping for your Dad’s birthday and Christmas presents.   I waited until he was asleep to do my shopping. You slowly walked in the room. You were unsure if you could be in there with me.  You saw me smile and then I got one of your beds so you could be comfortable. You stayed with me the entire time. Just watching me.  You always followed me around the house. I loved that.  Sometimes I didn’t even know you were there until I went downstairs and then I would look for you.  I miss that.

Your brother Leroy misses you so much.  He is wearing a cone because of his surgery.  I know you would be kissing and grooming him.  You would always groom him and your other brother and look at me while you were doing it.  It was as if to say, “Hey, look at me.”  You were such a “licky and licking” kind of dog. When you were done with your meal, you would lick your bowl dry.  When you gave me kisses, you always went for the lips.  I would tell you, “No, not on my lips,” but it was too late.  You already slobbered me up.  You were so lovable. I have never had a dog who was as lovable as you. You spread your love among all of us.  It was never-ending love.  I miss that. 

Parker, I don’t know how to get by some days.  Time seems to stand still, yet it goes by fast. The world keeps turning, so I have to keep up, but it is very difficult without you.  Each day is a struggle without you. I expect to see you in the morning, rolling around on your back, trying to copy your brother, Porter.  You really didn’t know how to roll around like he does.  You and Leroy would mimic him, but he is the official back roller. He is Curly Howard reincarnated, but then sometimes I would think he was more like Moe.  You were still very cute when you rolled on your back.  I miss that.

You three were my “maniacs.”  It was crazy time in the morning, at feeding time, and going outside.  Things are so different here without you.  It seems more serious. It is quiet now. There are no maniacs.  You were the leader. The craziness is gone.  I miss that.

Parker, I am hurting.  I need you here. We need you. This is not the way it was supposed to be.  I planned to take portraits this summer of you three and put the prints on the walls.  That will not happen now. For some reason your brothers run the other way when they see the camera.  Of the three of you, you were the one who was so good posing for pictures.  I miss that.

Parker, one night when you were out late with your Dad, I came to get you and Porter. I put the two of you in my car.  You left muddy footprints on the back seats and on my console.  I have not washed them off.  I will never wash them off.  You were so cute when in the car.  I miss that.

Parker, everything I did, I did it for you three little ones.  My “Boys.”  You were all my Baby Boys. I washed your bowls daily. I washed your bedding weekly. I did not use dryer sheets. I was concerned about the chemicals.  I worried about you breathing in those strong odors from paint stain so, I did not stain the wall trim.  It was never a burden to do things for you and your brothers.  It makes me happy to care for them.  I wish I could care for you now.  I miss you.

Parker, the Cardinal has been here for a couple of days.  It has been in our yard.  Please stay if that is you or your messenger.  I am wanting to believe you are with me, and that you are telling me you are safe and you forgive me.  I miss you.

I LOVE YOU FOR ETERNITY

LOVE,

MOM

 

Napalmakita66

Registered:
Posts: 127
 #130 
Parker's mom- I feel the emotion in your words and I know how hard it is when the little one that became part of our lives on a daily basis isn't there any more. They take a piece of your soul and things just won't be the same without them. Things can be good again, but different for sure.
I still look for Katsu several times a day. I would clean and refresh his water bowl 2 or 3 times a day and I still find myself looking in the kitchen corner to check it...it's gone now but I can't help it. I don't even go in the back yard anymore..we spent hours a day back there..running,wrestling, exploring..it's just not the same, too many memories. Inside the house is empty and quiet.
You don't have to want to believe the cardinal is your little Parker...you know. Just believe and enjoy all the signs he's sending you from the universe. Our little pups are there..they don't leave us. He'll send you signs all day if your ready to receive them. Take care. -Katsu's dad
MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 131
 #131 
Hi Katsu's Dad.  I am still full of emotion.  My Alpha Dog is gone. The house is quiet. His brothers are quiet. Nothing is the same, and that's a fact.  I know what you are going through when you are looking for Katsu.  I'm glad I have all of you here because the outside world doesn't understand the same way.  The Cardinal has been here and there. I do hear it. I saw it playing with a Blue Jay one day.  We both know it's not the same without them right next to us.  Take care and keep in touch.  ~ Parker's Mom
MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 131
 #132 

DEAR PARKER, MY SWEETHEART,

While I was driving the other day, I heard songs that reminded me of when I used to have you dance with me. You were so small, I had to kneel, stand you up on your back feet, and hold onto your paws. Then I would gently turn you side to side and sing along to the music. You loved that!  You, with your tiny paws, a little larger than my thumbs. What a good sport you were!  You would dance with me until the song was over. More good songs would play, so I had to switch to Leroy and give you a break. Your tiny little feet could stand only so long. “Satisfaction”, “The Twist”, and “Till I Kissed You” were some of my favorite songs to “cut a rug” with you. You used to like to bop to “Doo-Wop” music.   I wanted so badly to dance with you when I got home the other day, but then reality hit me that you are not here. I felt very sad, Parker. Your happy little face would light up when you heard the music. It breaks my heart that we can’t do that anymore.  I think you would have sung along if you could talk.   

My Little Peanut, you are always on my mind, in my heart, and in my soul.  I will cherish you forever.

Your brother Leroy’s cysts were benign. He got his stitches out and he does not need the cone anymore.  He was getting used to that cone. I could not believe how he managed to go up and down the stairs with no problem. He was having fun using the cone as a basket to catch his squeaky toy.  I wonder if he will miss the cone.  Parker, I know you protected him.  Parker, your brother Porter is not feeling well. The boundless energy all three of you has caught up with him.  For the last couple of weeks, he has been running around here, up and down the stairs, running out to the deck, barking at everything and everyone. He must have pulled something in his lower back or maybe Leroy banged into him with the cone.  He saw Dr. Chris who set him up with meds. He is better than what he was, but he needs to rest. Once he is better, I will keep a close eye on him.  His endless energy makes him think he is Superdog.  I know you will watch over him. 

Parker, your Mom is not the same since you are not here. This entire situation has changed me. I will not trust anyone except for Dr. Chris.  Leroy had his teeth cleaned when he had the cysts removed. I was told his teeth were very clean before they cleaned them. It was good news, but also alarming. I think now that you did not need your teeth cleaned, and they could have waited. I believe we were steered the wrong way and none of what you went through was necessary.  I always worry you were kept in a fearful state and it was completely wrong and immoral for them not to send you home. Parker, I just hope you did not suffer. I am so very sorry. You Mom lives with this horrible thought and it eats away at my brain. I was and I am still so devoted to you.  I would never put you in danger.  I trusted they would use good judgment and do the right thing. I am so sorry, my baby.  I have trouble believing all of this is real.  

Please forgive me.  You Mom feels pain about this, and I am trying to move forward. The world turns, yet I stand still.  I need you to watch over me, too.  I need your encouragement.  You were always so strong and very forgiving. I am sorry. I want you here I want to see you staring down from the top of the stairs. I want to see you teasing and biting Leroy’s ear and leg. I want to see you grooming your brothers. I want to see you in your little bed waiting for me. 

I LOVE YOU.  I MISS YOU SO VERY MUCH. I WILL WRITE AGAIN.

LOVE,

MOM

 

 

 

 

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