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KatKat

Registered:
Posts: 164
 #41 
Hi Napalmakita66, it hurts my heart to hear about your tears.  I'm so sorry that today has been difficult.  

You are doing so many things to help yourself through this and your words are so comforting to others that are grieving. Thank you for your continued posts.

You are not alone, K
Napalmakita66

Registered:
Posts: 86
 #42 
Thanks KK...I've been told by some wise men that the best way to feel better is to go help someone else. I try. Meanwhile, I'm grateful that there is a place to go and people like you to share with. Be well
MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 92
 #43 

My Dear Little Peanut Parker,

I remember the first time I met you. I was fostering for the dog rescue. I had just adopted your Beagle brother, Leroy from them a few weeks earlier. They told me there would be 2 little boy puppies who had just been neutered. That was you and your brother Porter.  Wow, you were both so small. You were in a crate and needing to be watched as you awoke from the sedation and to be taken care of until you were adopted.

You and Porter were brought in the house and it was quiet when you both arrived. We wanted your stay to be very comfortable. I checked on you both periodically to make sure you were okay.  We were upstairs and we heard screaming and crying. It was very loud. We couldn’t believe it could be one of you, or both. Such little dogs and such a loud cry.  I went downstairs and you were still groggy. It was your brother, Porter who was crying. He must have been so scared, just waking in a strange place. I thought we should bring you upstairs so you could rest a little more. Porter can have a loud and screechy cry. After all, you were both Chihuahua-Beagles.

It suddenly got very quiet downstairs. From screaming and howling to silence.

I went downstairs to check. It was quiet. Porter was not in the crate. It was locked. I couldn’t figure out where he went.  I looked under the blankets, he was not there. Then I thought, was he in that crate when I went back upstairs?  Yes, he was in the crate, so where was he?

Now it became a mystery.  I couldn’t figure out how a dog could get out of a locked crate.  I looked around and didn’t see him.  Then I walked a little farther. I almost passed him by.  Where was Porter?  He was rolled up in a ball in my laundry basket, cuddled under the clothes.  It was so cute!  He was so small, maybe 9 or 10 lbs the most.  Here he was cuddled in the laundry basket. But wait!  How did he get in there with the crate shut closed?  Your Dad said he didn’t put him there. It was a mystery for almost a day. We took him upstairs with you, Parker, who had woken up and you both cuddled together and went to sleep. Leroy was close by. Leroy had new friends! New brothers!  Well, not officially, but at least temporarily. 

The next day we looked at the crate and to our surprise, there was one small metal bar on the side that was missing. It didn’t seem like Porter could get through that small spot.  There were no other bars missing. How do you like that?  Porter was so small, like a Houdini, he squeezed through that small opening on the crate.

When I was upstairs with the two of you after you recovered, you were the 2 cutest dogs I’ve ever had.  So close with each other and almost pocket size at that time.  We kept taking care of you. You both became friends with Leroy. He was lonely before you were here.  Parker, you and your brother played and played, you wrestled with each other and it was all in fun and love. Then Parker you soon became close with Leroy. Oh, how you 2 would play together. Leroy is a sweetheart. He was so much bigger than you, but he never let his strength take over, he never wanted to hurt you. He let you win many times.

A month went by and the rescue asked me what I was doing with the 2 of you. They had people asking about you. I asked your Dad. He wasn’t ready for 3 dogs. He thought having company for Leroy was a good idea, but 3 was over his limit.  I was concerned if I gave up both of you or one of you, that you may wind up in a bad house where people could misunderstand you, have less patience, and may abuse you. I could not let that happen. I had to keep both of you. I knew I could make this the best home for you and the 3 of you would never be lonely.

I explained to Dad that I didn’t want to split you up. You brothers were very close. You were so young and you were both all you knew.  I convinced him that 2 of you was like 1 of Leroy, so It was like having 2 dogs.  I said how much I loved you both and how hysterically funny Porter was going in and out of the laundry basket ever since the first night. I couldn’t let either of you go. I loved you both. He finally said it was okay and you both could stay!  I was so elated.

My family. Big brother Leroy and his 2 little brothers, Parker and Porter. What a team you made. So much fun for all of you together.  It was the start of a beautiful brotherhood and family for us.  Adopting you Parker, and your brothers Porter and Leroy was the happiest time of my life. You all made me very happy.

I remember your brother Porter, aka Little Houdini, frequently making the laundry basket a cuddling place.  I remember when you and Leroy hit it off and how you both played as if you knew each other since birth. What a perfect friendship!

As the years went by, we faced some hardships. Your brother Porter at 10 lbs, was savagely attacked on our property by a 110 lb dog who jumped the decking from the neighbor’s house across the street. That morning Dad was walking Porter on our property when this happened. This dog came out of nowhere. Your Dad swiftly picked up Porter in his arms, but that dog wanted Porter. He grabbed Dad’s arm and Porter with his mouth and would not let go.  I could hear Dad yelling. I came running out and he handed me bloody Porter with 3 large holes on his side and holes on the top of him. He was in shock.  

We rushed your brother to our favorite vet, your “pediatric” vet who neutered you. It was his day off, but he happened to be in the office. What a stroke of luck. I don’t know where else we could have gone. He cancelled his outside plans to save Porter’s life, putting tubes in the 3 big holes where he could fit 2 of his fingers in each.  For the next month we had to flush him with medicine.  I didn’t know if we were going to lose him.  Parker, you were so gentle with your brother. You groomed him and kissed him and cuddled with him to make him feel loved and not alone. You were such a loving, beautiful dog who showed so much care when it was needed.  It was your love Parker, that helped your brother Porter heal.

A year or so later, Leroy got sick with gastroenteritis. We thought we might lose him. While he was being treated, Parker, you did nothing less than make him feel good and happy. You knew he was not well and stayed by his side. You groomed him and made him feel so loved.  You cuddled next to him so he would know you cared. Leroy didn’t need his medicine anymore.  It was your love Parker, that made Leroy well again.

Over the years I watched you and you brothers grow a little more and become much closer. For a while you and your brother Porter, would wrestle and play. I had so many videos of you 2 and it was so cute. So lovable. Never any intent on either of you to hurt the other. Always a kiss from you afterward.  You and Leroy became great friends. The times you sat on the floor next to the sofa while Leroy looked down and you would jump up, just with your little head and bite his ears. Teasing him and getting him to howl. This would go for at least an hour. Then you would jump up on and off the sofa as if you were doing tricks on a skateboard. Leroy would try to catch you and you would quickly jump off, but then back on again, a tug on his ear, his leg and you were back on the floor. Leroy could have kicked your butt if he wanted. He didn’t. He loved your playfulness. It was your sign of love to him. So many times over the years I watched you 2 play like that. When it was time for dinner, you’d grab his ear and/or leg and the craziness began. Then Porter would come behind Leroy to join in the fun and jump on him.  Poor Leroy, he would get teased from both of you, but he loved it.  It was all for love.  Everything you did was for love. This playfulness between the 3 of you never ended. You were like puppies who never grew up.  It wasn’t that long ago when you were all playing like this. You played like this up until the day we lost you.

The times you and Leroy chased each other around the house and in the basement. You had the advantage of being small, you could slip under the table, under the gym equipment, able to hide from Leroy. After the play was over, there you were again, kissing Leroy, showing your affection as you did every single day of your short life.

Then there were the times you and Leroy fought over a squeaky toy. Leroy, the squeaky hog would always win. I told him many times to let you keep it. He had so many of his own, but it was the challenge taking it from you. All the times we were all resting in the living room. Your brothers lying down. Mom and Dad watching TV. There you were, with your endless energy, wanting to play. Kicking out your little back feet, jumping forward with your front feet, trying to get someone to play. You wanted to play all the time. You were a very happy dog. Never tired. Always upbeat. Up for anything.

I remember years back when you weighed a little less and you were very spry, you would jump from the floor onto the stove and counter top. You, a small little dog with amazing energy to jump that high.  How many times did we find you on the table, the tall pub style table?  How about the time we came home and the 3 of you ran from the kitchen?  We knew something was up.  I put a box of cereal on the counter. I think this is the first time you jumped up there. The giveaway was the inner plastic bag on the floor.  Not one morsel in it or on the floor.  You must have been the one who jumped up, knocked it down, and the 3 of you had a feast.  That was the only explanation.

How about when we were out one day, and we let you guys run loose around the house?  You jumped on my nightstand and then on top of my dresser.  Your nails scratched the tops.  It seemed important then. Now I cherish those scratches. I’m glad I couldn’t get them out. They will stay with me forever as long as I have this bedroom set.  My little boy, I will remember you every time I see them. A reminder of my super dog.  We didn’t want you to hurt yourself by jumping so high or maybe burn yourself if you landed on the stove again, so we put up locking gates.

What a wonderful brother you were. Always there, always caring for them.  Always loving them and giving them comfort.  I don’t remember you ever getting sick except the time you got an IM vaccine and you were in pain. You were a healthy dog.  You were unselfish.  You gave yourself to your brothers when they needed someone. You proved to be a terrific friend, brother, and son to us. Your affection and love for us, your Mom and Dad, was just as strong as it was for your brothers. You sincerely loved all of us. You REALLY loved all of us.  I knew then and I still know now, what a wonderful giving brother and son you were. That’s why I took so many pictures of you when you were kissing us all. 

Parker, you never asked for much. You loved finding a small crumb on the floor, it was a highlight of your day. It didn’t take much to make you happy. I’d see you peeking around the wall while I cooked, not only to watch me, but to see if you could catch a tiny crumb or morsel.

Oh, Parker, how smart and sharp you were. On the way back from walking you in the yard, you would tug me and pull me toward the driveway pavement.  I didn’t think of that, but you did. The grass would be wet from rain or with snow and ice, and you walked me to the dry area.  So smart of you. I didn’t even think of that.

I have always thought of you like this. I always knew what a special dog you were. I wanted to spend more time with you, until you were old and gray.  I wanted to be there with you if the day would come when you would need love and comfort from your brothers.  When they could give it back to you.

One day, we were walking all 3 of you and a huge Rottweiler, at least 110 lbs. charged at all of us. We were scrambling to get the 3 of you away and make sure the dog would not hurt any of you or chase us. Porter and Leroy were barking. There were only 2 of us trying to keep the 3 of you calm to get away.  You got loose from your harness. I panicked, thinking you may get hit by a car. What did you do?  You barked and barked as loud as your tiny 13 lb. body could and then you chased away that Rottweiler!  You chased it till it ran with its tail between its legs.  My little hero.  You were our hero that day. Something I never saw you do and something I will never forget.

It was just last summer when the 3 of you somehow got out of the house. One of us left the door ajar. You, only you, stayed on the property. My honest little Parker. You came up to your Dad to let him know you were out and I know you were giving him the message that your brothers were not around.  I believe you were trying to talk to us.  Because of your warning, we were able to find your 2 brothers down by the corner and get them safely home.  If it wasn’t for you, I don’t know if either of your brothers could have gotten hit by a car. You came to us right away. Another time you were our hero. I am going to miss those times. 

Every day is empty in this house without you. The pack leader, affectionate and loving brother, the fun-loving, happy little boy. My sweet little peanut.

My angel.  You were taken way too soon.  On Christmas Eve, one of the worst days to lose you.  Holidays will never be the same.  Every day I feel I miss you more and more. I can’t explain my little baby, why this happened. I don’t know myself. I do know it should have never happened. Every day is a struggle without you.  Now I am facing the hardest time of my life.  

Parker, how will we manage without your love?  Your love that healed, that soothed, and made us whole again. Your tender love that filled our entire home. 
 Parker, we need you here now for Porter.  He needs your love. We need you to watch over your brother Porter who is being treated for pancreatitis.  He needs your love and kisses. You always made it right.

Please always remember that I love you and never meant for you to be harmed. I did everything possible to protect you since you were a pup.

I miss you so much.  I can’t change what happened. Oh, how I want to, but I can’t. It is very unfair. Your life was taken from you.  You were not sick. You were very healthy and very young, only 6 years old.  So unfair. 

I want to see you again at the Rainbow Bridge, if there is one. I hope there is.  I am counting on it.  I want to be reunited with you again, My Little Baby, My Peanut Parker.

I LOVE YOU FOREVER,

MOM

Napalmakita66

Registered:
Posts: 86
 #44 
What a great story! You brought back memories of when my boy was a little furry meatball. I had an octagonal cage with no top. I filled it with blankets and toys, it was his little pen to sleep in. To this day I have no idea how, but he always escaped! The gate was locked, the fence was about 3 ft high and it never moved...i never heard a sound. But 5 minutes after I put him in...here he would come bouncing across the floor.
Your Parker sounds very special. I'm glad you can recall and share so many memories. They really are gifts in our lives. I hope you can smile more about the good times and begin to hurt less. Be well
MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 92
 #45 
Thank you Napalmakita66,

He was VERY, VERY special and unique.  Why it hurts me so much.  I guarantee it was nothing to do with his health during that procedure. He was healthy and full more energy than the rest of us in this house put together. Never a sign of illness. No cough. No chills. No aches, or pains. Never on meds. No puking or spitting up.  Something sinister happened. Xmas Eve -- party? Distractions?  Neglected my dog?  

What a special dog he was. There are so many more things to write about him. He was just a very good dog, full of love. A little 13 lbs dog filled with a ton of love. 

As you can see, I am still so very heartbroken. Being with my dogs 24/7 without him here, is a big loss. My husband may never understand how deep my grief is because he works a lot, has more going on. These dogs have never been away from me, I have never been away from them. Even my 2 here would surely get sick or die if I ever left them. They cry when I leave the house for an hour. Really cry.  I hope these 2 stay healthy for a long time so neither of them are completely lonely. 

I miss Parker with all of my heart. It's a horrible tragedy what happened to him. A tragedy that could have been averted.

Parker's Mom -- in tears
MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 92
 #46 
It's a bad day for me.  I haven't stopped crying all day.  I am alone this week until Tuesday or Wednesday.  It's been rough.  Trying to get things done, but it's a slow process.  I'm not doing well.  My 2 dogs are the only reason I live.
Napalmakita66

Registered:
Posts: 86
 #47 
Slow progress is still progress. It was about this time 3 works ago that my boy left...been a hard weekend and lonely nights. I share your grief.
Take care of this two puppers and yourself. One day at a time
KatKat

Registered:
Posts: 164
 #48 
Parker's Mom,

Sorry it's been such a bad day for you.  Please know that you matter too.  I know the loss of Parker is devastating to you but please take care of yourself.  I know it doesn't seem like it now but there are good things in the World.  Find comfort in your two dogs, find comfort here.  
MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 92
 #49 
Thank you KatKat.  The loss is unbearable, but what makes it worse is that I was too easy about it, where I should have given my husband a hard time, put my foot down and took control of MY DOGS.  It would have gone my way and he would be here.  My husband is walking on thin ice these days. One time I thought our dogs were keeping us together. Now I think the loss my dog (that played some part in) will tear us apart.  I'm weighing it whether my marriage is strong enough and worth it for me. That's what makes this even harder. 
MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 92
 #50 
Dear Parker,
The last couple of days have been a challenge for me. I was crying a lot because I miss you and still find this all so unbelievable.

I was thinking that maybe we took you for granted. You were always healthy so we didn't look closer at you and take you more serious. Did we overlook that you were fearful and that we should have taken you more seriously? Did we allow you to be alone without us although we knew you didn't like to be handled by strangers? I didn't give it thought then that it might be a serious issue. After what happened, now I believe we took you for granted. We didn't take this seriously. Just because you were always healthy, didn't mean you didn't have other things going on, like being so scared without us.

I feel so awful now. Many times we were there with you and it was only a few minutes when you were away from us. This time we left you behind. I can't imagine what you were feeling. If you felt abandoned. You didn't see us for a while and we left you with strangers. Could that have scared you so much it affected your health? Could you have been so stressed that it wasn't fair to leave you there? That vet knew you were timid. He should have called me. He should have told me you, a little dog like you were, needed to come home. It's not fair to let you go through that. I wish I could go back and take you back home. I think that's what happened to you. I think your fright caused something to go wrong with your heart or something else and it was fatal. I wish I could take it all back. I wish I kept you home. Why is it our dogs can't talk? You would have warned me. You would have asked me if you could stay home. I would have kept you home. Anything for my little baby.

Mom is having a hard time. I miss you. I want to see you sunbathing on the deck and peeking your little face in the storm door window. I miss your little howling bark after your brother Porter constantly barks. You would throw out a little bark here and there. You weren't much of a barking dog. You wanted to bark a little and get back to us and cuddle with your brother Leroy. He misses you. I can see it in his eyes. He waits for you to greet him. He doesn't know where you are. He's confused. You grew up together from the very beginning. I feel bad for both of you. It's a loss that should have never happened.

I want you back, Parker. I want you here with me. Mom is not strong. She has to be for your brothers. I need to watch over them, take care of them and make sure they are well.

I wish I could see you again. I wish this never happened. I wish you, my baby, could be here with us.
I miss you.
I love you forever and ever,
Mom
Napalmakita66

Registered:
Posts: 86
 #51 
Be strong for his brothers...that's really a great approach...I'm sure little Parker would want that. I think about how brave and stoic my boy could be..I called it the Akita code. That's how he would want me to be...
it's never easy but sometimes it's all I have to get me to take that first step. Take care
MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 92
 #52 
I am not staying strong.  It's really bad.  I'm on another grief site and someone who read my story, wrote:  "I'm also afraid of anesthesia. The vet talked with me at length about it, what he uses, how he proceeds, and allayed my fears, still I wouldn't trust just anyone with him."   

This person is concerned about dental cleaning and at least it was explained to her in detail.  The evil vet we went to NEVER discussed it, never talked about it and after this nightmare, never had anything to say to me.  I don't know where to turn. I am heartbroken beyond belief.  

I can't forgive myself.  I let him go there. I should have kept him home!  I'm not forgiving my husband. This was his idea!  I think I'm beyond repair.  
Napalmakita66

Registered:
Posts: 86
 #53 
I understand completely and I can feel the pain in your words. I think the comfort you seek might not be found on any website and looking for answers and placing blame is only going to make you more upset and angry. I'm sorry, I know it's not the answer we want but none of us can change the tragedy that led to our pets leaving this life.
I'm not sure if your going to therapy, it would be a good start..maybe you and your husband could do couple counseling. Next, I would get involved with a group where you can go and grieve in person and share with other people.
I know it's hard but you can get through this. Be well
MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 92
 #54 
Yes, we started counseling a few weeks ago.  Working on grief. Next week will be marriage counseling. I think I'm just stuck. I think it's the pain that my sweet little dog had so much to live for and I feel I set him up for disaster. He would have begged to stay home if he spoke. I was supposed to be his voice. I let him go and let him down. He was a sweet little guy and I wanted so much to protect him his entire life. I did so much, but this time I screwed up.  I can't change it, you're right. I think my stubbornness makes think I can. I can be a thickheaded person. I may reach out to my neighbors. See if anyone else has gone or is going through the same. Thank you.  

I hope Katsu and Parker watching over us, to help us heal and preserve the memories good times with them.

Parker, please make me strong again. 
MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 92
 #55 
My other 2 dogs (Porter and Leroy) have never been the affectionate type. Parker was the loving one, full of kisses, all the time.  All you had to do was get close enough and then came the kisses.

The other night I was tucking in his brothers and telling them how sorry I was.  I always kissed my dogs goodnight. In the past, Porter would be cranky, wanting to just go to sleep and not be bothered. Something that night was different.  Both he and Leroy gave me kisses, very unusual.  They're not like that.  I thought maybe it was Parker coming through them.  A sign or something. I never had to ask Parker for a kiss, he would shower us all with kisses.  I hope it was him showing me something. I need a sign he forgives me and that he's here with me. I'm waiting for him to show up in a dream. I will continue to be alert for signs.  Does anyone think something like that is possible? 
Napalmakita66

Registered:
Posts: 86
 #56 
Absolutely!! I definitely think it's possible. There is so much more then just the reality we see and think we understand. Your little boy is there all the time
KatKat

Registered:
Posts: 164
 #57 
 I believe that those we love and have lost reach out to comfort us.  During Parker's life you gave and received so much love from him, it only stands to reason that when you need him the most that he would reach out to give you some comfort.  
Napalmakita66

Registered:
Posts: 86
 #58 
And reach out to anyone you feel like...any stranger on the street, cashier at the grocery store or person sitting next to me on a plane could be my guru at some point. Some of the most amazing talks I've had with people were complete strangers.
For me, trying to control and fix everything is just me fighting the universe. Acceptance, surrender and seeing that change is the fundamental process of life puts me in a better frame of mind. It's not easy, but the right thing to do often isn't. We all miss our furry loved ones..I'm sure they are doing great on the next step of their wonderful journey. Be well
MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 92
 #59 

Dear My Little Boy, Parker,

It's hard for me to accept you are not here. I miss you jumping up near the bed in the morning. You were always the first one up. Your unbelievable energy rubbed off on us. You kept our spirits alive, full of life, and filled us with love.

I'm still having a hard time accepting you are gone. It never seems real because you gave this home its shining light. Without you there's more darkness. 

Your brothers know something's different. They don't fully understand, but then neither do I. I will never understand why you were taken when you weren't even sick. 

I gave up the garden this year so I could use my new camera and take portraits of my little boys, my 3 best friends. I wanted to get beautiful pics of all of you together and put them under acrylic for a lasting memory of the 3 of you. That won't happen now. My dream has been shattered. I haven't used my camera since you've been gone. I don't feel as excited about it now. How can I with you gone?

Oh, how I wish there was some way to change all of this. I guess there are no miracles. If there were, your life would have been spared. 

I don't know what's going to happen in the future. Someday your brothers will also be gone, that's when I hope my time will be up, so I can be with the 3 of you again. There will be no more reason for me to be here. I know my purpose was to rescue you 3 from the shelter, to give you the best home and all the love and protection possible. I would have never wanted it any other way. I knew you would be safe and happy in our home. 

When you all were puppies I thought I had many, many years with you to come. I never imagined I could lose any of you so young and so innocent.

Please forgive me that you weren't able to live out your life much longer. I am so very sorry. I hope you are not upset. 

I'm wishing and praying we will be back together again, and with your brothers who miss you so very much.

I love you Parker. I hope you always knew how much you meant to me, and how much you still mean to me.

I'm praying you are safe from harm and suffering. I want you to be happy. Please give me a sign. I need a sign of your love, the abundant love, you, as a little dog was blessed to have. I was blessed to have you as part of my family, my son. I am blessed to have your wonderful brothers. You were all such good dogs. I have no complaints, only sorrow that you are not here.

It never seems real. People who knew you know why it doesn't seem real, because you were filled with passion and we never thought that passion would be gone.

I love you forever, Parker. I will never stop thinking of you. You will be in my heart even after I die.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, 

Love Mom

XXXX OOOO

Mel_a_rator

Registered:
Posts: 10
 #60 
Parker’s Mom, I’ve read your postings and others’ replies to yours, and I can hear your sadness, guilt, and heart breaking, it’s definitely acknowledged. In a flash of time, I too have recently lost my precious Sweet Mel just on Memorial Day...so I can definitely understand where you’re coming from. I wasn’t ready too, and am still not sure I even made the better decision either.

I’ve experienced many pet losses in my decades of times, and each one is just as hard if not as the prior. No matter what the surrounding circumstances are that brought on our loss, it’s still a loss with the same guilt, pain, and heartbreak. So your similar feelings of great loss are shared among us and are acknowledged including the guilt and pain. I do hear and feel you loud and clear.

It’s acknowledged and you’re entitled to feel how you feel, now let’s see what can be done about it to move forward some, however small or slow the steps are. Being 4 days out myself without my sweet boy Mel, it’s still pretty raw. One thing that’s helped me some now to slowly move forward at this point (believe me I’ve done my share of heavy moping around the house and mopping up of my own tears) is reshaping the framework of perspectives (not seeing from my own eyes, but from others’ eyes) to see things. For example, I’m thinking how my Mel would want me to be ? I know he will forgive me (or have already forgiven) if I’ve made a lesser than optimal decision. I know he knows I’ve tried and done my best with all things considered. But most importantly, I know Mel knows I loved him, still now and forever more.

Now, if you were looking through Parker’s eyes, what would you see ? What do you think he would want you to do right now ?

I don’t know if this is helpful any, I hope so. I find this type of “reverse” giving to others (which includes seeing things from others eyes) helpful in finding some peace. You can still give to Parker !

Sending hugs...

Mel-a-rator’s Mommy
Jules
Napalmakita66

Registered:
Posts: 86
 #61 
Well said Jules...thank you for sharing and all the best to you and Parker's mom. -Katsu's dad
MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 92
 #62 

I Love You My Sweet Little Parker,

I used to call you "Little Peanut" because you were so small, and your feet were a little larger than my thumb. My little baby who I am missing every single day. Even when you were here, when I left the house, I always missed you and your brothers. I never liked leaving you home for too long. I always wanted to come back as soon as possible so I could be showered with kisses, and dog hugs, and funny antics while you all tried showing off your tricks. Then when it was feeding time, the craziness would begin. You would bite your brother's ears, legs, tease him, he'd play back lightly because he knew he could knock you out, but it was all in fun and the name of love.  Then your other brother would jump on both of you, all in fun and craziness because it was feeding time at the zoo.  Since we lost you, there is no craziness, no funny antics, and feeding time is a lot tamer. You made a big difference; you are dearly missed.

Your adventurous personality was the excitement at home. You kept me and your dad laughing.  The laughter stopped the day we lost you.

Your fun-loving personality by pulling the blankets over and over your head while trying to jump out kept me and your dad laughing. 
The laughter stopped the day we lost you.

When we dressed you in your car racing flag-themed checkered jacket, even as a dog, you knew what it meant. When you had it on, you would do burnouts with your tiny legs and feet and have us laughing.  ("Ladies and gentlemen, start your engines.")  
The laughter stopped the day we lost you.

You would have us laughing when you ran down the stairs with your big crocodile squeaky toy that was as large as you, and you would make it all the way down the stairs without letting go.  
The laughter stopped the day we lost you.

 My little baby, I had you since you were a pup. You were only 6, healthy, never sick, and your life was tragically taken from you. I cannot think of only myself, you deserved to live your life! You were a happy, lovable, healthy little boy. You loved your brothers more than anything and loved me and your dad. 

 I want you to know I love you always. I will never forget you. You taught me so much. I am a better person because of you, yes, a little dog has made me a better person because you were my little kid.

 My grief overwhelms me. I am more than broken.  I miss you every minute and every hour of every day. You are always here in my heart

 My Little Peanut Parker, I wish you were here to shower me with your sweet kisses.  I am so very sorry. I wish I could make it better and have you here with us again.

XXXX OOOO

I LOVE YOU

Your Mom

 

 

MyLittleOneIsGone

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 #63 
I'm trying to comfort others in their sadness and grief. I feel like an impostor. I can't contain my grief myself. I am still struggling with guilt. How can I help others when I can't help myself? My tears never stop. I miss my do so much. I can't bear another day without him. He should be here. I don't understand how he can go to a vet and in an hour or so not come home alive. You put you trust in these so-called professionals, only to leave you heartbroken. If he passed from old age or an illness I couldn't prevent, I wouldn't be in this bad shape. Having no support system doesn't help.

It's too unbelievable, still, to this day, that this happened. I think I am really going to die from a broken heart. 
Napalmakita66

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 #64 
I know how much it hurts and I can relate to feeling like you can't help..but you are!
You help by reminding people they aren't alone. You help by telling your story and showing someone that as hard as it is there are other people who may be struggling even more. You help by showing that as bad as you may feel you continue to reach out to others. You are a powerful example for all of us.
And lastly, it's helping you on a level that you might not feel right now..but it's there.
Thank you and take care. -Katsu's dad
MyLittleOneIsGone

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 #65 
Every day I read about so many tragedies. They remind me of my own and that I must stay strong. I have so many bad days, even after all these months.  It's causing tension in my marriage. My husband knows I still harbor ill feelings that it was his idea. It's put a strain on our relationship. He doesn't like to see me crying every day. I can't help it. I miss my little guy so much.  I just want him here.

This vet is a so-called professional, but he sucked the life out of my baby.  Why?  What did my dog do to him to let him die?  He could have called me when things went bad. He waited hours. So wrong. No caring vet would ever do that. I wish every day I could go back in time. This is the most agonizing thing to ever happen to me.  How does the sun still shine when we are hurting so much?
MyLittleOneIsGone

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Posts: 92
 #66 
It's a nice day, the sun is shining, but why does it feel so dark to me?   I'm clouded with darkness.  I miss my little guy.  I don't think I will ever see him again.  Rainbow Bridge?  Who knows.  Another difficult day for me.  I expect to see him sunbathing, running through our yard, playing with his brothers. He was full of life.  So full of life, health, vigor, happiness, and love.  It was taken from him in a matter an hour or so.  I can't make sense of it.  Trying to keep busy. It's impossible to not think of him.  Every day I miss him.  He was my little peanut.  Was?  I don't now how I can even utter that word.  Speaking of him in the past tense doesn't seem right.  

Parker, you deserved your life. Your simple life was so important to you. You could never take anything for granted, unlike people.  You deserve to be here enjoying the little things that made you so happy.  A little dog who asked for nothing and gave so much. 
Jwarner90

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 #67 
Parker's Mom: Thank you for sharing your own grief while comforting everyone on this forum. As a newcomer, it meant a lot. It's a dark day for me today too. Also trying to keep busy... keep your head up mama.

-Ghost's Mama
MyLittleOneIsGone

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Posts: 92
 #68 

My Dear Little Parker,

I'm sorry Parker. Mom has been thinking more about you the last couple of days. I've been outside and I have been wishing you were running in garden, in the yard, by my side.  I have never felt so sad about anything in my life.  I don't want to make you sad. Please give me a sign.  I think your brothers miss you, too. Leroy just sits there. He doesn't have the spirit he had when you were here. I remember when you both became close, you cured him of his shyness, but Parker, I think he's falling back into being shy again. You made him sparkle. You made all of us smile, laugh, strong, and you filled us with passion.  I am always wishing I can go back in time. I'm a broken person with you not here.  I often feel responsible that I didn't keep you home. I wanted that and I don't know how I failed. I haven't been the same since you're not here. I have little interest in anything. It never seems right or fair to enjoy anything because I let you go.

I am so sorry. I don't anymore how to fix this. Not seeing you again tears me apart. It hurts so much. Please forgive me. Parker, I am so sorry.  Nothing is the same anymore. Your bright light is not here. I'm in darkness most of the time. 

Please forgive me. I love you so much My Little Peanut.  I'm sending love from your brothers, Leroy and Porter. I know they miss you and still love you.

I LOVE YOU FOREVER, EVER, AND EVER,

Your Mom

Napalmakita66

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 #69 
He forgives you. He never blamed you. You gave him everything he needed on this life so that he can move on in the next. They give so much to us...it's a relationship that helps both souls to grow. You and peanut will always be connected...we are all connected and this journey will go on and on. I'm glad to hear your outside and active. Things have been a struggle for me too..i just miss my Katsu and I have to learn to live with that. Be well. -Katsu's dad
MyLittleOneIsGone

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Posts: 92
 #70 

My Sweet Little Parker,

I wake up every morning with a pain in my gut knowing I will not see you.  Your brothers wake up with vigor and energy.  I think I am going to see you and you're not there. No matter how sunny or nice of a day, it doesn't feel like the sun is shining.  The light you shined has been darkened here.  I look forward to going to sleep at night. It's the only peace I get.  When I awake in the morning, the dread of you being gone starts all over again.  I just don't understand.  I don't know why you are gone. It doesn't make sense. You were not sick. You were taken away. 

My Little Angel, I want you to be here. I get upset with myself knowing I had choices.  Why didn't I keep you home that day?  Everything would be normal.  I am not the same anymore. I am missing a part of me and inside I feel numb. I am upset with myself.  I could have you here. I did a bad thing. I had a premonition something could go wrong there. I question myself every day what I was thinking.  I am still not pleased with your Dad since he had the idea and he brought you there.  Things between us are shaky.  It's not the same as before you were gone. 

I wish I could have my old self back and things at home were like they were. That would only be possible if this never happened or if I awoke and you were here again.  I know that's not possible. That's what hurts so much. I feel like I will never see you again.  I didn't keep you safe, though throughout your short life, I tried so hard. I looked ahead about things that could go wrong and I kept you from harm so many times. Why did I fail this time?  I need to protect you.  I am so sorry. Sorry is not enough.  Please do not be angry with me. As you always did,  please give me your unconditional love.  I may be asking for a lot because I failed you.  I don't know what to say anymore.  Know that I am broken-hearted and grief-stricken for over 5 months and it doesn't seem to get better. 

It all seems wrong that you are gone and I am missing you.  This should not be happening.  Remember that I always loved you.  My days seem to drag on without you. I feel lost without you. You were the energy in this home, the pack leader, the spirit, the laughter, and the shining light that gave all of us hope and filled us with passion.

My Little Baby, I Love You forever and eternally.  I hope there is a time we can be together again.  I'm not sure if that exists, but I sure do hope it does.

I LOVE YOU MY LITTLE ONE, FOREVER AND EVER,

Your Mom

MyLittleOneIsGone

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Posts: 92
 #71 
If anyone is wondering, yes, I am seeing a grief counselor who treats every loss as the same. He knows grief is the same all the way around.  My husband attends, too. I'm okay there. When I get home, I'm on my own. I'm living with my husband who I see as part of this ordeal.  He wanted it. He demanded it.  He brought him there. I told him time and again in the past, if anything happens to these dogs, I don't know what I'd do. I also said if anything happens because of his carelessness, I would leave.  Over and over I think maybe I should leave.  Take my other 2 dogs and go. I'm not sure if that's the right thing to do right now. I don't know.

I just want the pain and guilt of my loss to go away.  The problem is, I miss him so much, I can't let it go. I know this is all wrong.  I know the two of us knew better and should have never taken him there, to a new vet. It was a mistake, yes, but there should never be any mistakes when it costs a life or harm. Human or animal.  My days are a struggle. I'm reassured for my hour with my grief counselor, and the rest of that day, but the next day arrives and I feel the same again.  My loss is so immense.  I'm not measuring it to other people's losses. I'm measuring to my own in my lifetime. This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me because of the nature and circumstances of it.  He should be here today.
Napalmakita66

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Posts: 86
 #72 
I can completely understand your pain and desperation right now. I'm no relationship expert and its not my place to dispense advice...but, whatever you decide, remeber this. No matter where you are or how far you run, the pain your dealing with will follow you. There is no such thing as a geographical solution. I know from past experiences and I'm dealing with it rudkr now.
I traveled half way across the country, to my sister's farm on a huge lake, to get away from the constant reminders of my Katsu and all the places we walked and played. It's helped some but I still cry in bed at night, cry while driving through endless farm country...the memories of my best friend will always be there with me and that's the true issue I have to confront.
Stick with the counseling, continue to grieve however it suits you. Try and be patient, this is a process that needs time. In time things will be more clear, when your balanced..now probably isn't the best time to make life changing choices. Be well. -Katsu's dad
KatKat

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Posts: 164
 #73 
I have to agree with Katsu's dad.  What you have experienced is a terrible loss but you shouldn't make any major life decisions because they are not going to change what happened.  I'm glad that your grief counselor brings you some relief for brief periods of time.  Please remember that counselors can give us the tools to progress forward but unless we use them there is only so far we can move forward.  It's like Physical Therapy, during the treatment session patient's may participate and it helps some but if the patient is not following through between sessions then there's only so far the patient will progress.  Please keep telling yourself "I did the best I could."  We are human, we make decisions throughout our life that can lead to outcomes that may not be what we want or that leave us with a heavy heart.  It is your pain and your grief but in order to move forward it has to be your decision to do so.  Torturing yourself will not change what happened.   Please keep working to that end because you deserve that.  Your remaining dogs deserve that.  You are important and valuable also.  
MyLittleOneIsGone

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Posts: 92
 #74 

To My Wonderful Happy Little Parker,

My light, my laughter, my angel

Today Mom had more tears than yesterday.  I thought about you all day. I’m still thinking of you.

Yesterday was a nice day, but your brothers were unusually quiet. They slept most of the day. Porter was sprawled out on one of the beds and Leroy was rolled up in another bed near the window. It seemed they were missing you. You would have been lying next to Porter or cuddled with Leroy. You loved being close to us. Sometime in between you would have come by me wherever I would be. I miss your little face watching me with the sparkle in your eyes.

 Later in the day they were on the deck. Porter didn't bark quite as much as usual, but when he did, it was his usual continuous bark. I expected to hear your single bark and howl that would follow. I didn't hear it. I missed it so much, I was going to listen to a recording of you three when Leroy would join in with his Beagle howl. I wasn't sure if it would make me upset knowing you were not here and that it was just a recording. 

I took a break from the garden this year. I wanted to use my time to take portraits of the three of you with my new camera. I wanted crisp and clear shots that I could place under acrylic. I would have hung them on the big wall in the living room and would have them for a lifetime. That all changed when someone did this to you. I took out the camera and I transferred pictures to my computer.  I saw many of you and some I had just taken shortly before you were taken away.  It hurt too much to look at them. I'm sorry. I'm not strong enough yet.

I’m keeping the camera handy. The other day I saw a cardinal on our deck. This was the first time I’ve seen one here. I first thought I wish I had my camera. The cardinal stayed for a minute or so and then flew to a nearby tree. A day or so later someone told me about signs, and she mentioned a cardinal. She said it is a sign of an angel. Then I remembered the cardinal that was here. I thought about it and now I want to know if that was you?  Was it you coming to see us?  Please come back. I will believe if I see a cardinal nearby again, I will know that it’s you. 

I’m missing you so much Parker. It doesn’t seem the same without you. You were always the clown and entertainer. It’s silent now. I love your brothers, but they don’t play together. You were the one to motivate us all.

Parker, if that was you the other day, please come back. Make a believer out of me. I need to know you are not gone forever.

I Love You My Sweet Baby. I can’t believe I am not holding you, walking you, tucking you in a night. All of this seems untrue.  It doesn’t seem real.  I think sometimes you really aren’t gone.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, IT’S IMMEASURABLE.

I Love You My Sweetie,

LOVE, MOM

xxxxoooo      
Napalmakita66

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 #75 
I've heard the same thing...when cardinals appear, angels are near. I'm sure your peanut is visiting you..they aren't gone...they are closer then we know. -Katsu's dad
MyLittleOneIsGone

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Posts: 92
 #76 
Oh, Katsu's Dad, you remembered I called him my little peanut!  He was a little peanut. I'm glad I'm not allergic to peanuts  ;)   Parker's brother, Leroy (Beagle) was always shy.  I knew from the start he would complement Leroy.  Parker was such a leader.  He took Leroy out of his shell.  I worry about Leroy now. I don't want him to go back into his shell. He knows something's different and doesn't understand. He knows his brother is not here. Parker was Leroy's best friend. They were always together, playing, teasing each other, and Leroy was so happy. Parker was everyone's friend. He groomed both of his brothers and comforted them when they were sick. He just liked making others happy. Never thinking of himself. I always knew he was wonderful and I will never forget. 

Parker, please give me a sign if you are here in spirit.  If that's the closest I can be to you for now, it will make me happy.  I want to care for you again sometime in the afterlife. I may need you to care for me, you were so good at caring for others. I love you sweetie peanut. Your Mom will try hard to find a time machine so I can go back and make this better. I'll do some research, but I can't make promises. I will make a promise that if there is an afterlife where we can be at the same place, when I get there, I will look day and night for you, my little peanut.  I love you so much. When we meet again, I will smother you with big hugs. Watch over me my sweetie. Take care of your me. I need your love. Your Little Peanut Parker love. I LOVE YOU, MOM


Napalmakita66

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Posts: 86
 #77 
The way you describe peanut taking care off the other pup reminds me of how Katsu looked after me. Sometimes the student becomes the teacher... maybe your peanut knew, like my Katsu knew, that everyone was gonna be ok...he had a job to do and felt it was time to move along on his journey. I'll never stop missing him, but it helps me to think of a larger possibility.
Be well- Katsu's dad
MyLittleOneIsGone

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Posts: 92
 #78 

Hello My Little One,

Mom wants to say hello today. I am missing you Parker, as always.  I want you to remember I will never forget you.  It's a nice day and your brothers are on the deck watching the rabbits and deer. Of course your brother Porter is barking at them. I miss hearing you bark and howl.  Today is a day you would be sunbathing. I miss seeing you do that. You loved to lie in the sun and roll around on your back. It was always so cute. Then you would look up into the storm door window to peek in. I really miss that. 

I Love You Parker.  My little baby.  Your sunshine is missed at home. Your playfulness is missed by your brothers. Your love is missed by us all.

I Love You Forever.

Love, Mom

MyLittleOneIsGone

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Posts: 92
 #79 

To My Sweet Peanut,

Today was a cold and rainy day. I tried very hard not to cry because I don’t know if it can make you upset. I don’t want you to feel bad for your Mom. I feel bad enough about what happened. I still try to understand Parker, why I let you go there.  You were so frightened. I knew that. Please don’t be upset with me. I think you will find it in your big heart to know your Mom would never let anyone harm you on purpose.

I’m taking very good care of your brothers. I don’t want them to be sad because I know they miss you.  They don’t know where you are. I know for sure they want you here, as much as I do. I’m so very sorry my little boy. I am crying now. Thinking of you makes me happy, but also sad since you are not with us.

Yesterday something happened. I don’t remember a time when Leroy had drippy eyes, but Leroy had drippy eyes for some reason.  You were the one who always had that.  You had no health issues. That was the only thing you ever had. I shared my eye drops with you. You were always such a good sport to let me give you the drops before bedtime. You were smart enough to know they made you feel better. I used the same drops for Leroy. His eyes were cleared up today.  I wondered if he had the drippy eyes because you were here, coming through him. I hope that was you.

Was that you, Parker?  Please give me a sign. I need to know if it’s true that your spirit could be here with me. 

I miss you so, so much.  I wish I could bring you back. So many times, I don’t believe any of this is true, that you are not here. My Little Peanut, what has happened to you is so unfair. I still don’t understand. You were not meant to be gone this soon. You were so young and so full of life.

I miss taking you for walks. I miss hearing your little bark and howl. I miss you cuddling next to me and showering me with your kisses.  I miss seeing you at the top the stairs when you would be the first to put yourself to bed. I miss tucking you in at night and giving you a kiss goodnight. I miss everything.

Always remember that I Love You and I will never stop. I miss you every single day.

I Love You always My Little Peanut.

Love, Mom

Napalmakita66

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Posts: 86
 #80 
Oh Parker's mom..i can feel every bit of emotion in your words. That's why writing is so powerful, it transfers energy into something physical that we can see.
I've been teary eyed all morning too. I was thinking about how my little man would stick his big head in the door so I couldn't shut it. He would lay with his body inside the house and his shiny black nose pointed out..the colder the better..it was his favorite spot to lay while I stood at the stove cooking. I don't know where these thoughts come from..maybe are loved ones are right here giving us a little tap. Do they come back, are they watching us...infinite possibilities that we just don't know.
Saying I don't know is very powerful and has helped in my healing. Rather then get angry and frustrated at what I think happened and why, it's a bit of a relief to admit that I really don't know. I know what I saw..i know what story I created in my mind. But the truth is there are things bigger then me in control and there's a good chance that what I believe is just plain wrong. In all the bad I see, maybe there's some good that I don't see. I think we will find out one day. Be well. - Katsu's dad
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