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Alers

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Posts: 5
 #1 
On Saturday I had to put down my baby girl, Lola. She was 13 years old. She was diagnosed as diabetic 5.5 years ago and went blind 4.5 years ago. I put everything into making sure her life was good and she was happy. For 10 years it was just me and her. She was always there for me. All she ever wanted from life was to be around me. She was never upset with me. She never made me cry (until now). She was just the best dog. I know everyone says that but she truly was. Never any problems with her. Even her vet said she was the best tempered dog. So sweet.

She developed dementia and was mentally suffering the last few months so I made the hard decision on Saturday at the vet.

I know it's new but does the pain ever go away? I wonder what the point in going through this pain is if there is no end to it. Shes never coming back. So this is just going to be a permanent feeling. I cant be in this house because she isn't here. I cant sleep because I keep thinking I hear her nails on the floor. I cant eat. It's like my body knows there is no point in going on anymore because she isn't around. Just laying in bed hurts because she isn't here next to me.

My husband isn't speaking to me. He apparently didn't believe me when I told him that I might have to put her down at this appointment. He has never had a pet before and I know is grieving in his own way and that just so happens to be anger taken out on me, but that makes the hardest situation I have ever dealt with even harder.

I really dont think I'm going to survive this. The pain is physical and mental and what is the point in going through it all? They should give you and option to be injected with your dog.
harley_charley71

Registered:
Posts: 7
 #2 
I'm so sorry for your loss of your fur baby. Wish i had the magic words to help you feel better but I know there are none. They only thing I could tell you is that it will get better in time. I know exactly what your going through when my Charley passed away suddenly at 6 years old after he collapsed and I found out at the vet that he was dying from a heart tumor. I was devastated and just like you I couldn't eat or sleep and all I did was cry. That went on for over a week until my mom told me my young son went to her cause he was worried about me. That was 3 years ago and I still look at his pics and cry. So your going to take what ever time it takes for you to grieve. Again, i am so sorry for your loss and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
twinkiesmom

Registered:
Posts: 837
 #3 
I am so sorry for your loss of your sweet Lola. You shared such an enormous amount of love during your years together. I feel it is only natural that we should expect to feel an enormous amount of pain when they have to leave us. But it is only their physical being that leaves us. They can never truly leave us, they are in our thoughts and our hearts forever, we do not love them one iota less than we always have. As to how one survives, we just keep putting one foot in front of the other, crying copious amounts of tears and taking it a day at a time. Lola's little body simply wore out and to have tried to keep her with you longer would have been a disservice to her and how much she loved you. She is at peace and would want you to become at peace also. There is a beautiful poem on this site about The Rainbow Bridge. It has brought comfort to so many people and I hope it will do the same for you. You are among friends here.
Alers

Registered:
Posts: 5
 #4 
Thank you so much. It's good to hear I'm not just being crazy and that others felt the same thing. I'm sorry for your loss as well. This is too hard!!
BrooklynDogMom

Registered:
Posts: 22
 #5 
I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby girl Lola.  She sounds like she was the sweetest thing!  What kind of dog was she?
I'm not sure the pain goes away totally.  It is like waves in the ocean, it ebbs and flows.  Right now your wound is so fresh, it feels unbearable.  It's good to deal with the pain in a healthy way- cry when you need to cry & let it out.  I love your idea of "being injected with your dog", I can relate exactly to how you feel!  Your Lola was not only a big part of your life, she was (and IS still) a huge part of who you are as a person.  So while you are grieving you are also needing to figure out who YOU are and what you want to do with the extra time and extra love and compassion you now have to give now that Lola is gone and no longer needs your love and attention.  You will figure it out over time.  And as you find things in yourself and in life itself that bring you joy you will find it easier to be in your house, to sleep, to eat healthy foods.
But in the meantime, even though it isn't easy, you should be extra gentle with yourself.  Treat yourself with the love and care you would give a young child or animal.  Nourish your body, watch or read something beautiful, go for a walk with a friend.  Lola would want that.  And as you get better, the love and compassion you find that you can share with other animals or humans will be a tribute to her.
I am thinking of you tonight and will light a candle in memory of sweet Lola.  Take care and report back to us how you are doing.  

xo,
Stephanie
Whippitless

Registered:
Posts: 9
 #6 
Alers,
So sorry for your loss. I totally understand how debilitating the loss of a cherished dog can feel.
As I was reading your post about the impact the loss has had on you, It would be very easy to switch you & Lolas name for me & mine. Lost my riley in february & havent quite (or even close to) moved past the grief & desparity of the ordeal. Theres moments I, too, wish the vet would've done a 2 for 1 deal. Theres a couple differences in our circumstances, but the end result is the same. Riley wasnt symptomatic of being ill until her last night. In a span of 10 hours, my 12.5 yr old went from her normal, happy, playful self, to being put down. Im kind of torn about that. On the 1 hand, she really only had 1 bad night in her life & didnt suffer chronic or longstanding suffering. For that I am thankful. The other side is the shock & unpreparedness of it all. Had I known the end was near, I may have spent our last bit of time together differently. Or maybe not, who knows?
Like you, my dog & I were everything to each other. Although I love dogs, never had any designs of owning 1. Its questionable that I can manage my own well being, let alone another beings. I inherited my dog when she was about 3yrs old. After dad passed I moved back home with mom for awhile & we just understood each other & clicked from the get-go. All she wanted was to be with me wherever I went. If I went on a fishing, camping trip she literally would camp out in my bed 24/7, coming out from under the covers only to eat or go outside to relieve herself for as many days as it took for me to get home. As much as Riley & I wouldve loved her to accompany me on such adventures, her paper-thin skin and ultra thin coat made her very vulnerable to the weather, & she had absolutely no love for boats or water. So, even though she would've followed me anywhere, I chose not to expose her to the elements for more than short spells for her own good. For me, my day was never complete until bedtime when riley would scoot under the covers & plant the length of her body on top of my left leg. I swear when im half awake/asleep I can still feel her body heat & breath against my leg. When I fully wake up & I realize shes not there it brings tears & has been pretty much setting the tone for the rest of the day. Since she has passed, I find myself skipping going to sleep at least a few nights a week because going to bed just emphasizes the fact that shes not there. It literally took passing out 2x over 9 days before I could get myself to eat anything.
Im kind of amazed at the # of people who say "once you get another dog you'll be fine". Or the ones who just have no concept how impactful losing such a loved pet can be. Losing a dog is 1 of those things that if an explanation of the impact is necessary, understanding it is not a possibility.
Alers, Ill say this to you; since finding this site and trying to articulate my feelings enough to express in a post, I do think theres been a hint of finally "finding the bottom". Although far from over it yet, writing a few long posts about it has somewhat helped to collect my thoughts and look at the whole experience from the outside instead of from the viewpoint of my own grief. Maybe this is a 1st step to coming to terms with it. The other thing that has helped this past week is making a concerted effort to try and keep busy with projects. This is my slow season for my job,so its a little challenging, but I do seem to feel better if I can keep myself moving & engaged in something versus sitting around & thinking about the loss.
Again, Im so sorry for what your going through, & please, when you figure out hiw to move on with it, would you please let the rest of us know how to?
Best wishes
Francesca

Registered:
Posts: 12
 #7 
I am so sorry for your loss. I came to this site to find comfort myself and found your post. I lost my dog last September and the pain and guilt are still lingering. I have dreams of her and wake up with so much pain! Sometimes I wonder how and if it will get easier. I just wanted to send you a big hug and let you know we know what you are going through and hope it will get a little easier for each one of us.
Alers

Registered:
Posts: 5
 #8 
Thank you all so much for your support and well wishes. You have no idea how much it helps. Lola was a Puggle. She was the sweetest dog. I had a lot of dogs growing up and in the family and never came across a dog as sweet as her. I am struggling to find who I am now that I'm not her mom. For the last 5.5 years I had to be home to give her her insulin every 12 hours. For thw last 4.5 years I had to make sure nothing was out of place because being blind she would injure herself. Taking care of her is who I was. Today was the first day back in the regular routine (work) and it has been a struggle. Sitting here now I am talking to her and reaching out for her and it helps a little. I can feel her with me. I just love her so much and I feel like I'm missing my sidekick. Her ailments and her anxiety (which turned to dementia) ensured she was by my side at all times. Her whole entire world was me and she was happiest when I was with her. And everyone keeps saying, she can see now and shes not anxious anymore, shes at peace, but all I can keep thinking is she was only happy when she was with me and I was her entire world and now I'm not with her. I know I have to get through this but I just cant see it ever happening. My heart, my reason for living is gone. My poor baby.
BrooklynDogMom

Registered:
Posts: 22
 #9 
Aww, puggles are so cute!  😉
You were with her though when she was here.  She knew you were there with her in those final difficult days and moments, even though she was confused, in her heart she knew.  And the love you two shared will live on forever.  I don't think you should think of her as being alone or being without you now.  You are without her, which really REALLY stinks, but she isn't lost somewhere or alone.  She now never has to lose you.  I am not sure if that gives you any comfort, but that thought often helps me.  As much pain as I go through mourning my little Bella, I am glad she doesn't have to feel this way.  Her battle is over and I was by her side till the very end.
Before my little one passed I promised her we'd be together forever in our hearts.  You and Lola are together forever too.  Love lives on!
I can relate to many of the things you have shared.  My little angel Bella was also diabetic and my entire world revolved around that 12 hour injection schedule.  I lost my identity when I lost her.  I live alone in a big city, no family here.  She was my baby, my soulmate, my best friend, and a pretty good roommate too.  😉  I'm still sorting out my identity living without her.  I really don't know if you can ever fully "get over" a loss like this & I don't love that phrase.  But I do know you can get through it!  And you can sort of "get used to" this gaping hole in your heart which will always be there while at the same time growing and loving (yourself and also others) in new ways. <3

cosesmom

Registered:
Posts: 580
 #10 
I am so very sorry that you had to let Lola go. I know it is so very hard to make that decision, but in the end we do what is the best for our babies. We knew it would hurt like crazy but we never would have guessed it would tear us apart. The heart ache lessens but the void left in our hearts will always be there. I too nursed my Termy the last few months of his life ( I never minded) because he gave me so much I needed to give him just as much back. He loved me unconditionally and I couldn't do any less. We will always miss them and wish them back for the rest of our lives. We learn to live a new normal after our loss. Your pain is fresh and raw but time will make it easier to live with out them. I still cry and miss Termy every single day even though it's been over eight months. I needed professional help with my grief because I to wanted to be with Termy. I didn't want to live with out him. I know our babies would want us to be happy, sad with our loss but happy because this is what they did all their lives, made us happy. Cry and grieve all you need to but remember the whole journey you shared with Lola.
Love and doggie hugs
Termy's mom
flexy633

Registered:
Posts: 15
 #11 
Alers, I am so sorry for your loss of Lola. It sounds like you may have put her down the same day that I had to put down my Franklin (Saturday, May 26).

I said the exact same thing that you did about getting injected with him.

I have had other pets in my life, but this loss is hitting me the hardest. He was my best friend and got me through some hard times that didn't seem so hard when I had him with me.

A couple of people have said, "Why don't you get another dog to fill the void?" I find that such an odd thing to say. Believe me, I know I will get another dog one day, but I'm not ready for that yet.

Today is 10 days and for some reason, I was crying harder today than all of the other days. I've cried every single day since he passed. But, today I was crying just as hard as I did the first day he was gone.

I miss him and I know you miss Lola too. There is a book that another website recommended called "The Loss of a Pet (4th edition)." I'm getting it from the library tomorrow. You may want to see if you can get it from your local library or it's available online to download from Amazon. Hopefully, it will help us both.

You are in my thoughts!
Alers

Registered:
Posts: 5
 #12 
Flex, I'm so sorry for your loss as well. Yes, May 26th was the day and surprinsigly today was REALLY hard for me too! Of course every day is hard but today especially. The past few days I have been able to make it through work without tears but not today. I was thinking about her constantly. Thank you for the book recommendation. I will check it out.

Thank you everyone again for the support. This group has helped immensely.
wpnomad

Registered:
Posts: 2
 #13 
Dear Algers,

I just lost my own Lola 2 days ago, and I can relate completely to your feelings of loss.  She was a pitbull, and I hope people won't be automatically biased against her breed because she was the sweetest, most loving, lovable, easy, and well-behaved dog in the world.  She loved everyone, and they loved her.  She even loved going to the vet, because it was just another opportunity to get some loving.  She did not have an aggressive bone in her body (it took her some time living with a cat to finally get over her fear of them!).  She just wanted to love and be loved, and to be with her people.  She was such a special girl, and has been by my side for the last 10 years- through divorce, surgeries, death of family members, break-ups, cross-country moves, etc.  When life is going to crap, I know I always have my Lola and that certainty has always brought me such comfort.  I got her as an adult at about 2 years old.  So she was 12.  She was just diagnosed with operable thyroid cancer and needed surgery right away.  She died a couple hours after the surgery of a brain clot.  She was otherwise healthy and happy, and had no actual physical symptoms of the cancer.  I am devastated.  I can't stop crying, I can't eat.  I can't really imagine a future without her by my side.  And though I have always loved all animals, I know I will never find another Lola.  She was a truly special girl who changed minds everywhere she went about the true nature of pitbulls, and even dogs in general.  She was my love, and my cuddle bug, and my most constant companion, and I just feel lost without her :(.  I hope we are both able to move on from this grief.
Alers

Registered:
Posts: 5
 #14 
wpnomad: I am SO sorry for the loss of your Lola.  No bias towards pitbulls from me, all I have encountered have been the sweetest and they are so adorable. 

2 days is so fresh.  I promise you, it gets a little easier.  I still cry a lot.  I still talk to her and pet the spot on the bed where she used to lay with me.  I haven't brought myself to move her water & food bowls. But, I started eating again after about a week and sleeping has become a bit easier (though I have had dreams about her that are so vivid I wake up crying).  I actually went to an in person support group in my area and that helped a lot.  I hope that you are able to get through this most difficult, "new" part and get on to the "still hard but at least you are nourishing your body" part.  

Our Lolas were our babies and we will always miss them.  Writing it out helps, which is why I love this page so much.  You know you aren't alone and aren't crazy for being SO sad.  If you can find an in person group I highly recommend that too.

Hugs
wpnomad

Registered:
Posts: 2
 #15 
Thank you Alers, for your kind reply.  It's hard to imagine feeling better at this point.  But I have to trust that I will.  I will look for a support group near me.. Thank you again.
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