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Pitbull_mama

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Posts: 195
 #1 
I had a friend make the comment today that it's not healthy for me to feel this way. I took offense, but was able to remain calm and remind him that it had only been a month!

I can still function. I clean my house, do laundry, take care of my children and other dogs, and attend nursing school. I don't cry nonstop, but I do have moments that are harder than others.

My immediate though was "my petloss family will understand!"

I can't thank you all enough for being here for me, and bringing me comfort when I need it the most. This is my safe place :)

(((HUGS)))
Jill
Ace of Spade's Mommy
KatLover

Registered:
Posts: 843
 #2 
Hi Jill, I would suggest just taking your time and allow yourself to grieve.  It's far better to allow yourself to grieve than to try to make yourself "get over it."  You have a right to your feelings, and to honor your special friend.

Many people have difficulty with grief and death, and will advocate "getting over it," but this is not what any psychologist would recommend--you just push the feelings in deeper, and it can make things worse in the long run. 

I wish you peace and healing, and you are so right, the petloss family here is the best.

Kathy

Derek

Registered:
Posts: 70
 #3 
Some people just don't understand and make comments that they think are helpful but are actually rude.  Sounds like that person has never had to deal with pet loss.  And some people may actually not know what to say.  Yesterday, I saw a friend at the flea market and was telling him about having to put Tempest down last week and he didn't say much other than "man, that sucks...sorry."  I mean, I was telling him about the burial site, etc. and he just didn't seem interested or like he cared at all.  At first, I was kinda' pissed but then I figured he was just uncomfortable and didn't know what to say.  But at least he did say sorry and not something rude like, "not healthy to feel this way."   We are grieving and talking about it is healthy for us...it's part of the process.  Anyway, you know you have your support here!
 
Hugs...
 
-Derek
jenmystique

Registered:
Posts: 97
 #4 
I ignore them. That doesn't always work well when in the early stages of grief.
I once looked at a coworker and in response to her attitude, said "I find it so sad that you have never known the unconditional love from a four legged family member the way I have."
Mare

Registered:
Posts: 11,060
 #5 
You should feel sorry for anyone who tells you to "get over it".  As others have said, these people have never known the joy that a cherished pet brings to a person.  Grieve as long as necessary and visit here often.  We all understand what you're going through and will be here for you.  I think it's good to read where others are in their grieving.  When I first came her, I was encouraged to  read postings from those who had come to terms with the death of their pet. It gave me the hope I so desperately needed in the early weeks and months of my loss. 

Mare
precious Christoph ~ 21 months at the bridge ~

LabMom

Registered:
Posts: 234
 #6 
Ask your friend if they'd say that a month after the loss of your spouse, your parent or your child. And who knows, maybe they would. Sometimes well meaning people can say some really awkward things. We all have our own way of dealing with loss. It isn't an easy path, no matter what the loss, and there is no schedule to keep. It doesn't just suddenly go away and in many ways most of us never "get over" a great loss, we simply learn to cope with it. Be gentle with yourself. Keep the advice which makes sense to you and discard the rest. And yes, those people who have never known the bond of loving a pet are to be pitied, they will never get it. Hugs, Anne
Goobiesbf

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Posts: 27
 #7 
You're right.  It's only been a month. Grief does have a lot negative effects on the body but grieving is not a choice.  I think our friends care about us and mean well but a little support would go a long way.

I know people with the greatest belief system who know without doubt that the body is a vessel and that the spirit leaves it at death, is happy and is waiting to be reunited with the living that are left behind ... and they live this and miss their loved ones but don't grieve for them.  These people are giants to me and I wish I could be one of them but I'm not and most people I know are not.

I also know people who can barely make emotional attachments to other people and never to anything less than a person like a mere animal.  These people are psycho-emotional runts and don't deserve my consideration.

We grieve and our grief needs time to heal.  It probably isn't healthy for any of us to "feel this way" but guess what?  We do.  We have very little control over it and must deal with it on its schedule not ours. 

Sending many hugs your way.

Ellen


Pitbull_mama

Registered:
Posts: 195
 #8 
Thank you all for your kind words. I think he realized he had hurt my feelings, because he then told me "who am I to tell you how to feel. I'm here for you no matter what" It helped, but just reinforced that there will be people who truly think I should be all better.

Sometimes I still struggle with realizing that nothing I do will bring him back. All I can do is honor his memory, and continue to take it day by day.

God I miss him :(
GodBlessAllDogs

Registered:
Posts: 23
 #9 
You cannot just "get over it" and anyone who suggests that is simply out of line. I'm only three days removed from losing my beloved Frosty and anyone who tells me to "get over it" will get a blasted earful.

Either such a person who says that has never experienced the love and bond with a furbaby or perhaps they're the type of person who just feel 'it's just an animal'. The intense sadness and grief experienced is something we all have to try and cope with in however ways we know how. It's not even a matter of taking it day by day for me yet, it's minute by minute, and so be it. Some days it feels like I can't even breathe I miss her so much. I'm so devastated. I don't know how else to heal and wonder if I'll ever fully heal. I don't think I will but if one day I can remember Frosty with a smile rather than tears that's all I could even ask for. I hope that's what she'd want for me too, to remember her as she once was and all the happiness we had together. She blessed my life.

So, no, don't "get over it"... take the time you need to grieve your heartbreaking loss. What others say isn't important, go at your own pace, or stop and pause to cry and scream, whatever you need to do to make it through the day. I'm right there with you in mourning... so are many others here. God Bless You.
sealcandy

Registered:
Posts: 75
 #10 
I am so sorry for your loss. Petless friends and even friends with pets that never experienced such a deep relationship with a pet just don't understand. You take all the time you need to grieve. It is coming up on 7 months for me since I lost my Candygirl and I am still grieving and trying to get thru it. There is no time frame when you lose a loved one. Grieving is part of the healing.  I found 2 poems on the Grief website that have helped me. One is on the LOVE ON THE RAYS OF THE SUN. I read this poem almost every day. I don't remember the name of the other one but it talks about the loved ones point of view and says "TO HAVE LOVED AND THEB SAID FAREWELL IS BETTER THAN TO NEVER LOVED AT ALL" It reads as if our beloved pets were talking to us about their lives with us and thanking us for the unconditional love they gave to us. Both have helped me.

Take time and if you cry that is just all part of the healing, let the tears flow, knowing that our loved ones feel no more pain and can play again as if they were puppies or kittens. Love really never dies, and I know they miss us as much as we miss them and that they will be waiting for us.

Candygirl's Mom Seal
BitsMama

Registered:
Posts: 68
 #11 
Oh how I can relate!  It will be 2 weeks tomorrow since my Little Bit went to the Bridge and my grief has not eased up at all.  In fact, it's worse.  I'm starting to feel like I'm getting more and more alone in this, as the days go by...because I think people assume I should be "getting over it".  Just this evening, my husband made a comment that I know wasn't meant to make me feel worse...but it did.  He saw me looking at photos of Little Bit on my cell phone and I guess I started to appear teary-eyed and said (again).  He said "you need to stop dwelling on it."  He loved her, too, and he cried his eyes out the first day, but life seems to be going on for him, and it seems he would just rather not talk about "it". 

Your friend must have thought she was saying something helpful, but I think she was totally off base.  Perhaps she hasn't had a beloved fur baby that passed on and has just never experienced this kind of grief. 

Jill, I am so glad that we found this site because I think it will be the one place where we can truly work through our feelings and take as much time as we need.  We certainly can all understand each other's pain.  I am so sorry for your loss of Ace.




Moonlight

Registered:
Posts: 540
 #12 
Dear Jill,

I know how you feel. We've all dealt with people in our lives who feel that we should not be mourning our beloved pets after a certain amount of time. It can be frustrating, but only if you let it. Just know that they just don't get it. It's sad for them that they are missing out on true love with a precious animal. We mourn our pets, and we don't need to explain why we feel the way we feel to others. This is the best place to talk because we all "get it" and we are here for each other. I know I am beyond thankful that I found this place and it has provided me with a lot of support. My cat of 17 years passed away on October 17th, 2009. It's been almost 6 months in a few days, and I still miss her like crazy. I still have my days when I cry. It's just hard, and we never really get over it. We just learn to accept their passing in time and hold them in our hearts forever. I do believe we will see them again and that brings me comfort. The best thing is to allow yourself to feel what you are feeling. There is no particular time when we should be acting "better" and it's wrong for others to expect that. We don't need to "get over it". So take all the time you need!!
HoneyBone

Registered:
Posts: 268
 #13 
I had the same... when i lost my 13 week old puppy ten years ago, when i lost my dear granny two years ago and when i lost Bella just four months ago. As well as all the other losses inbetween of bunnies, rats and a cat.

I have learned to cry in private. Not even my husband understands how i grieve. With my granny i mourned her death before she died - she was in hospital and i knew she would not make it. I did most of my grieving in the three weeks leading up to her death. After her funeral i was able to go on but it still hit me hard on days where i would just sit and cry. But always in private in order to avoid the comments.

Its hard, but practice makes perfect i guess. I had learned to suppress it when around people... comments just make it worse and you honestly do not need that on top of everything else.

My thoughts are with all of you. X

missboo

Registered:
Posts: 13
 #14 

Its been almost 2 weeks since I lost Tucker and I would say that I am very guarded with who I tell about it or talk about it for fear of people having the reaction you got from your one friend.  I told very few people at work and don't even really talk about it to my family anymore.  My family understands as they are pet lovers, but even they say stupid things now and then.   I joined a support group that starts tomorrow and I have all of you here to talk to and that really helps.

GothicKDM

Registered:
Posts: 5
 #15 
Its been almost a month now for my girl, and i have seen that i wont cry really when anyone is around me. If i am alone then it happens, but as of late, i just have felt down, but i cant bring myself to cry. I think alot of it is i did the same as honeybone....i grieved the week i decided to let her go, and the week after.

I have friends who have pets, but they just dont seem to say anything that seems to help me (even when i had told two of them I was having suicidal feelings), my dad even just said he was sorry he seemed cold about it, but that i had made the right decision and anything else would have just hurt her....I told him i wished i had paid better attention when she lost alot of weight, but he said to stop second guessing myself (which i wasnt...)

I have seen for me that if i have pictures of her around me, I'm ok...i made her a wall of pictures frame thing, and her urn has her picture right infront of it.

lovemypup

Registered:
Posts: 608
 #16 
I know what you are saying and feeling, completely.  If you can set up an appointment with a pet counsellor or any cousellor that can help you understand your feelings and grief and how to move through it.  Don't do this on your own, don't suffer in silence any longer.  You must take care of yourself mentally, emotionally and physically at this time.  If no one around you seems to get it, you have to confide in someone who can.  All of us on this site are here to support you but you should really seek out some more personal one to one attention as well. Good luck to you, I hope you feel better soon.

Wishing you much comfort,
Nicole
Mimi

Registered:
Posts: 116
 #17 
Dear Jill...I am so very sorry you lost your precious baby.
Unfortunately these responses are quite happen quite often...we are not a culture that deals with death in a healthy , compassionate way.  In my work I see people who have carried unresolved grief for most of their lives, and many of them develop deep emotional wounds and even physical problems because of that.  So, when these people hear of anyone else's loss...they are taken back to their own unfinished emotional business...and they, frankly, just want us to " be quiet". 
But, of course, the healthy thing is to feel as you are doing, and let your feelings come up and out ...honoring your deep Love .
I do have a suggestion ,it may sound a little harsh...but, it does seem to work.... simply turn to the person and say  " I am sorry my ( loss, grief,sadness) makes you uncomfortable, I will try not to share  it in front of you again". You can say it with kindness, because, actually, that IS the truth.  I think it's important to remember, we need not explain ourselves to anyone who does not love and support us. 
 It is the most HUMAN thing that we can do...and it is a sign that you have the great courage to open your heart and feel!
Many Blessings and Loving Support to you Jill  and to your little baby as well, who I know is with you as you go through this.
Take Good Care of Yourself
Mimi ( Sita's Mom)
duzzys

Registered:
Posts: 30
 #18 

I can never understand people making such comments.  They seem to think they are talking about something minor-instead of what is likely the best friend you will ever have.  These comments are thoughtless, unfeeling, and to me measure the caliber of a human being.  Yes, he corrected himself when he saw your hurt.  However, let's be fair-his intial words were to just get over it.  That tells me compassion and humanity are not his strong points.  No wonder we care so much for our fur babies.  They are always compassionate and caring-never heartless.  You need to grieve in what ever manner YOU feel like, for as long as you like.  There is no excuse for anyone to dump additional hurt on the back of a grieving person by being so thoughtless.  We here all understand yor pain and all the support in the world is here for you!  Let me further say I believe in karma, I do not wish this person ill, but one day he will be grieving and his comment will be thrown back at him.

NucleoWolf

Registered:
Posts: 7
 #19 
I wish I could answer that question, but I came here to find an answer to it. Ever since my precious little Hershey died about 1.5 weeks ago, I have been in a lot of grief and I am having a hard time coping with the loss. Yesterday I had little interest in going outside to watch the 4th of July fireworks (how can I be festive when my best friend just died?) and my mom told me to "snap out of it" (which is basically just another way of saying "get over it"). I understand that she is also grieving over the loss of our dog and doesn't want my visible grieving to make her feel worse, but at the same time I feel like she doesn't truly understand just how painful this loss is for me. She did apologize today, but that does not get rid of the pain of being told to "snap out of it," and now the anxiety of being told this again hovers over me whenever I grieve. Thankfully I have a doctor appointment next week and I definitely plan on asking for help in regards to healthy coping, but until then how do I not dwell over being told to "snap out of it?" I wish that people would just let us grieve in our own ways instead of expecting us to "manage" it for whatever reasons.
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