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ashleyhalleck3

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Posts: 1
 #1 
Well I have started doing the hardest thing I have had to do so far in my life.
I have started clearing, cleaning the spot my Gracie lived, loved, and died at. I can still see her laying there, me not being able to do anything to make her better. She wasn't feeling well the night before and went and laid in the garden, she couldn't really get up. So I went outside and laid down beside her, petted her, loved on her, and cried beside her.
She was able to get up, and walk inside with me after able a hour latter.
I stayed up with her all the night with her right beside my chair in the living room I knew she didn't have much longer, so I didn't want to sleep and miss one moment with her. I didn't want her to be alone. We thought she had a little long to be with us, I left to get Danielle from school so she could say goodbye. I thought I would get to say goodbye. But I wasn't even gone 10mins and got the call she had died. I wasn't with her for her last breath. I wasn't able to see her and give her a kiss and hug, and let her know it was going to be ok, that she wasn't going to hurt any longer, that she was going to be able to run, and play and not feel her joints hurt any longer. She will have all the fun, and puppy play she wants. She's left a big hole in my heart, and I am trying to make that hole a little smaller. Now it's even bigger than it was having to clean her away. Don't know if I can do this. It's hard enough to type this cause I can't see thru the tears. I never knew it could be bigger the hole in my heart. But I guess when you live something so much the hole is always there. Big or small it's there. I have no idea when I'm going to be able to be the same. Or if I ever will be the same. I wanted to say good bye. I wanted to be here with her. I loved her so much. My heart feels like it's going to jump out of my chest. Every time I have tried to do this before. I get a few things done them I have a breakdown and stop. My living room is a complete mess, I have to do it. I know I have to do it. I just wish I could go out of my body for a bit just till it's done. And I don't have to remember everywhere she was and see her everywhere. And see her laying there dying. I wish I didn't have to be in my body. Some people say well good thing it was just a dog. For the people who think that. She wasn't just a dog. She was family, best friend, loyal, companion, good listener, a baby, kid, that you take care of and depend on you, she was a protector, babysitter, guardian angel, alarm system, she was so much more than a dog. She was pure of heart and she loved you with her whole heart, that's never easy to say goodbye to. She was all of them things and so much more to me for 11yrs. And to say goodbye. And clear her spots is very hard. March 21st, 2019 at 8:10 am is when she died.
I need to know how to deal with the fact, she died a day before my birthday, and 2 days before my daughters birthday? When my heart was broken. March will never be the same.
Before she passed away, I applied for care credit I was approved after she died, after we had her in the ground, and that was one of the hardest things I had to do. My Daughter couldn't deal with going in the yard, couldn't deal with leaving the house and ever moving knowing our Gracie was still here. Her heart was broken. When I was approved for care credit, looked and seen they also pay for cremation of a fur babies. So, on my birthday we dug Grace up, I couldn't see her like that, so my husband wrapped her in a tarp. We took her to get cremated so we wouldn't ever have to leave her alone somewhere. Another thing that was so hard to do, and give her to people we didn't know, and leave her there. Got the call Friday that her ashes where ready for pick up. I thought it was going to be easy driving to bring Gracie home. Another one of the hardest things I had to do. Go in and say I was there to pick up Gracie who was 62lbs when she passed. And them had me a purple bag, that was around 5lbs, and thinking I can't believe she's in that small bag, I couldn't open the bag when I got home, I couldn't look at the box I picked for her. I had to wait for my husband to do it. She was my 4th child, she was always happy, tail wagging loving full of life, I don't know how to move on from this. I don't know if I will ever heal since the bad memories are going to rush back, every birthday of mine, every birthday of my daughters. Nothing will ever feel the same without her here. Never was a day in 11yrs she wasn't in the living room feet in the air, looking at you with her brown and gold eyes, her mouth sagging at oneside looking like she was about to start laughing any min. What to do?
Keefcat

Registered:
Posts: 79
 #2 
So sorry for the loss of your Gracie. It’s so difficult to have to do these things. If I were you I wouldn’t feel rushed to do anything until you feel like you can. There are no rules and there are no regulations concerning when or how to deal with Gracie’s belongings. There are people on this site who have left things as they are for years. We all grieve in different ways. As I said there are no rules on how to deal with loss .

I lost my cat sassy on Thursday night and I told my husband to leave everything as it was. We’ve been through this before and I know eventually the time will come when I feel ready to clean things up but that time is not now.

I hope things get better for you and that hole in your heart gets a bit smaller. Pretty safe to say it will never go away but you will start remembering all the good things that happened and all the things that make Gracie so special to you.

I wish you peace .

Lauren
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