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Katchat

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Posts: 9
 #1 
Hi all,

I had to have my beautiful dog put to sleep Sunday and I feel so much grief its unreal, my whole body aches, we got him 3 years ago from a rescue centre, he was the most gorgeous dog I have ever seen. He was found wandering around a farm so they had no idea of his background. I remain firm in the idea that he had been abused and had a pretty rubbish life until rescue.

We took him home and had him for just short of 3 years, 80% of the time he was simply the best but 20% of the time he was unpredictable and dangerous . He had severe anxiety and was only ever happy when he was right by my side, just me and him, he was obsessed with food constantly in bins up on the sides, he was constantly anxious around others and we had stopped having people into our home, he became aggressive and although he bit 2 years ago-quite severely we kept making excuses for him, he went for several more people over the past two years but never caused any damage. I tried everything, homeopathy, muzzle training, vets advice, behavioural advice, changing his diet etc etc.. over the past couple weeks his behaviour became more extreme he was more unsettled, constant lip licking and anxiety, he kept whimpering at me barked aggressively at anything that went past the house and then Saturday night went for my son, scared my son and scared my other children and us too. I rang the rescue centre hoping that they could rehome him but they advised us to take him to the vets and take whatever there advice was, we took him to the vets Sunday and after a long heartbreaking conversation decided the option would be to put him to sleep. The vet thought that he probably had a brain tumor or was so mentally u well from whatever had happened before we had him that he couldn't be fixed. I stayed with him and as soon as they had put in the IV catheter he literally lay down by the side of me put his head on my shoulder and awaited the drug-he wasnt anxious or fighting at that time which is wierd, he fell asleep within seconds with me stroking him and telling g him how much I loved him. I loved him so much and he was most definately my therapy, I hurt so much and have the most tremendous guilt over whether we should of kept trying. šŸ˜¢šŸ˜¢
KatKat

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Posts: 171
 #2 
Your story is so very sad.  What a hard choice to make.  You did everything you could to give your beautiful boy a chance but it sounds like there was something "broken" that just couldn't be fixed.  You sought advice from an expert before you made your decision and in the end because you loved him so much you let him go so that he didn't have to live through another situation where his anxiety and aggression got the better of him.  You were with him, showing your love when he left this earth and from his reaction to the situation he knew how much you loved him, he was comforted by your presence.  YOU DID EVERYTHING YOU COULD.

A week ago Monday my dog killed my new kitten in front of me, I thought if I didn't leave them alone I could make the situation work.  My guilt and grief run deep because this little creature trusted me and in one split second of poor judgement she was gone.  I had an older dog that I had to have euthanized last year due to illness, he was 16 and I had him since he was a puppy.  We rescued our big boy out of a  shelter, "stray" was listed in his history and they thought he was about a year old.  Over the few years that we had him he had a couple of instances of going after my smaller dog over a toy or a crumb that I didn't realize was on the floor.  He injured him, not severely but it could have been so much worse if I hadn't been right there to stop it.  I got rid of the toys, never fed them together, never left them alone together, did everything I could to make sure not one tiny crumb was on the floor and things were managed. What was I thinking when I brought my kitten downstairs and sat on the couch with her, put her toy on the floor?  My dog wasn't near the couch and then he was, the kitten had jumped down under the couch and my dog approached the toy, she ran out and...my guilt has been eating me alive.  I feel broken and miserable and no one could ever judge me as much as I am judging myself.  I will never have another pet in my home with my dog.  He is always fine when people come into our home, I've never had him show aggression but he is not nice on his leash so I don't let anyone pet him and I don't let anyone approach with their dog.  I love him, I know he loves us unconditionally but I am having trouble engaging with him in the same way.  I don't have any young children at home but I have to say if I did I would have to make a decision about my dog because I would be too afraid.  You did what you had to do to protect your family and to keep your dog from hurting anyone else.  In the end, I think for your beautiful boy this was better because if he was rehomed there is no telling what the outcome would have been.  You gave him so much love and kindness.   I'm sorry for your pain.  Glad you found this site.
Katchat

Registered:
Posts: 9
 #3 
Hi katkat,

Thank you for replying, I must apologise if there is a long gap between messages as I live in the UK so there is an obvious time difference. I am so sorry for your loss also and hope you can feel some peace soon, when I think about it, like you, we changed our whole lives to try and keep everyone and the dog safe, I can count on one hand the amount of visitors we have had over the past few years-if there were visitors the whole time was spent with us anxiously watching the dogs next move or making excuses to hurry up the visitor. My husband usually goes to bed first and I used to stand up to kiss him so that he wouldn't lean down to me, fearing that the dog would bite him, my heart used to sink everytime someone asked if I was in for a cuppa, I usually didn't reply or made an excuse. The dog filled our hearts with so much love, happiness and laughter but also so much worry and anxiety.

I cant imagine how you must be feeling but it's a hard job being on guard 24/7 , sending you so much love xx
KatKat

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Posts: 171
 #4 
Thank you for your kind words.  I guess the saying "one day at a time" applies to all of us that visit this site.  I hope in time for all of us that our grief is eased and we are able to focus on the good memories and not see all of the turmoil that has left us feeling so empty and sad and that we are able to get through the day without guilt and "what if" questions.  We all deserve that.  Love back to you
Katchat

Registered:
Posts: 9
 #5 
Today is a new day and I still felt so so sad when I wake up, everything makes me miss him, I was making the kids sandwiches for school and he wasnt sat there wagging his tail and waiting to see if I would throw him a piece of ham! It's the 'what ifs' that hurt the most, what if we did something different, what if we kept trying, I know there was always that what if he had permanently damaged (or worse) one of my kids or someone else, but I feel that making the decision to put him to sleep was the most difficult decisions I have ever made in my whole life šŸ˜¢
KatKat

Registered:
Posts: 171
 #6 
Such a tough decision.  You did the best you could.  You gave your guy a lot of love and from what you say about not being able to have friends over you made a lot of sacrifices to keep him safe from himself.  Such an unfortunate circumstance for all of you.  You said goodbye because you were unable to help him no matter how hard you tried.  I'm just so sorry for all of you and I hear your pain.  What happened just couldn't be helped but I get why you keep questioning it, that's what we do when we love someone and they are lost to us.  Hugs to you and your family.  
Katchat

Registered:
Posts: 9
 #7 
Hi kitkat, thought today I was doing ok, got out and about, even laughed a little and then wham! Like out of nowhere I sobbed like a baby! I miss him so dearly šŸ˜¢ how are you doing? Xx
KatKat

Registered:
Posts: 171
 #8 
I'm sorry for everything you are going through.  My heart aches for you.  Wish I could say something that could take it all away.  

For me I am up and down.  I keep looking at the areas where my sweet girl liked to curl up and it leaves a pit in my stomach.  There's a wadded up piece of paper on the floor in my office that I can't bear to pick up because she played with it.  I briefly looked at one of her pictures but had to stop because it was too tough.  I only had her a brief time but I miss her so darn much.  "she had me from the first meow."  She was a little ray of sunshine, full of energy and trust.


Napalmakita66

Registered:
Posts: 138
 #9 
I just read your story and I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my Akita Sunday night, 2 weeks ago. It was sudden and has absolutely crushed me.
It sounds like you did everything you could...you rescued him. Every single day he had with you was a bonus day that he never would have had. You added 3 amazing years to a pupper who's story was over. You should be proud.
Aggression, anxiety... something was going on...he may have been tormented daily...those beautiful animals just won't let us know. But you saw signs and the vet confirmed it. There may have been a big issue that would have gotten worse, causing him to suffer. His calmness at the end is a lesson to me. We humans are the only ones that freak out about death..and we don't really know what it is. Maybethe fact that the animals go so calmly is the lesson we can take away...maybe they know it's ok and that as much as we cling to this world, there's something better waiting for us all. You aren't alone in your grief. Be well
KatKat

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Posts: 171
 #10 
Napalmakita66, you are so wise and kind.  This truly is a sad story for everyone involved and I think not having a clear cut answer when something isn't right just makes it all worse.   
MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 196
 #11 
What a loss you have had.  I feel so bad for you and your dog, for the internal pain and confusion he must have felt.  He didn't know any better. The poor baby.  I'm crying reading your post. What a sad day for you. He may have felt at peace while you were stroking him and telling him how much you loved him.  He wanted internal peace because he was feeling so bad inside and didn't know why.  He knew he wasn't going to feel anxious anymore. Who knows what kind of life he had. He may have been traumatized as a pup and it never left him, or may mistreated his whole life before he was rescued. He could have gotten a brain injury from being mistreated. It's a shame and horrific what some people do to animals.  No one would know that he would be suffering from something internally. Poor thing. If animals could only talk, we would be able to help them so much more and so much sooner. 

You took him in and gave him a loving home. He knew that. He knows you loved him. He loved you so much, that's why he was so comfortable and content when by your side. He knows you tried everything to help him. He wants you to be at peace, too. He doesn't want you to worry about him anymore or feel guilty.  He never meant any harm. 

I can see why it would be hard on you. Especially if he did have such bad life before, there was only so much you could do and you did more.  I am sorry about your loss. 

I lost my 6-year old boy tragically on Xmas Eve.  I still feel the pain. I know in time when I am healed I will cherish my memories with him. 

Your good memories with your baby will stay with you forever.  Katchat, what was his name if it's okay to ask? 
Please take care and visit this forum when you need a shoulder. People here understand. We are all grieving for all different reasons.

Sincerely,
Parker's Mom
Napalmakita66

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Posts: 138
 #12 
KatKat- thank you for the kind words and support, as always. I just hope something I can say might relieve the pain a little.
MrsSad

Registered:
Posts: 12
 #13 
Katchat- I have just made my next day sandwiches and I too had no little fellow begging for he ham. Mine went this morning..21st May, my first dog. Iā€™m devastated and crying like a baby.
Katchat

Registered:
Posts: 9
 #14 
Hey everyone, thankyou all for such kind loving words, my beautiful boy was called Hunter, the vet rang me yesterday to say his ashes were ready but I'm not ready yet-as much as I want him back home I know I'm going to find it tough! Our house is trying to regain abit of normality-but it's far from normal without our buy-i can leave food out on the side, I make sandwiches and theres no face begging me for a piece, I even miss having to hoover his hair and clean his poo!!!! Its beautiful sunshine at the moment and he would of loved his walks or lying out in the sunshine. I'm pretty sure he had the worst life before he came to us, poor boy, why are people so cruel? X
KatKat

Registered:
Posts: 171
 #15 
I myself wonder why people are so cruel.  How can you treat a beautiful, trusting creature that wants to be loved and give love back so poorly.  I guess there's no clear cut answer.  Hunter was lucky to have had you and your family.  It's obvious how much you loved him and how much of yourselves you gave to him.  Given how much you miss him, it's obvious he also gave a lot of love back to you and your family.  Like people, sometimes pets are broken or have illnesses that cause behavior issues and sounds like Hunter was one of them.  You all did so much to make his life better.  Thinking of you and your family - K
Katchat

Registered:
Posts: 9
 #16 
He was loved so very much, and loved right back! I think that's why it's so hard when they go, that loving trusting, beautiful being that gave so much has gone, it feels so empty-how are you katkat? How are you doing? I hope you have eased up on yourself a little x
Napalmakita66

Registered:
Posts: 138
 #17 
Humans will always be selfish until they realise they they are connected to every other living thing in the universe...the universe itself. Life is life..not this life is worth more then that life. I think our pets come into our lives in order to teach US how to act towards others.
I know exactly where you are right now. Mornings are the hardest for me. My day would start with my boy waking me up, running down stairs and spinning as I grabbed his leash and put my shoes on. Our morning walk at the park and car rides through the neighborhood were all I thought about when my head hit the pillow. He kept me going..even saved my life at one point by giving me a routine..he was my partner. Things will never be the same without him.
I know it's hard thinking about picking up his ashes. I had to do it last week. I cried when I saw the vets office and sat on the parking lot for a bit. I couldn't hold back when they handed me his box and I walked out, tears pouring down my face. I put his box on the passenger seat and told him he was riding in the front seat today. I took him through the park one last time and through the neighborhood.
At home I put together a nice memorial. He's my 3rd Akita, so he's next to the previous 2 glorious beasts. I have a his paw print, a beauiful Akita figurine, an incense burner, a mini bonsai tree and some other items Akita related. Lastly, I ordered myself a big bouquet of flowers and set them up next to his new spot. It added some color and life to a room that felt dark and lifeless.
As hard as it was..there was a relief. He was home where he belonged. I think it was his energy ...there was a noticeable heaviness that lifted a bit when I brought him back. I cry over his ashes. I hold that box and say good morning and good night. Sometime I touch his paw print and talk to him..his energy has to be connected. When you get up the strength and do pick up the box, I think you'll feel one step closer to making things right. I wish everyone the best. Take care
KatKat

Registered:
Posts: 171
 #18 
Hi Katchat,

I'm hanging in there.  Thought about my sweet girl a lot today.  I miss her.  I understand your emptiness, our pets leave such a big hole in our lives.  Thinking about you.  Wishing you peace and that every day brings a little less heartache.
KatKat

Registered:
Posts: 171
 #19 
Napalmakita,

Your memorial sounds wonderful, very befitting of such a loved and regal creature.  I'm glad you have found some solace in it.  Wishing you a good night. 
Napalmakita66

Registered:
Posts: 138
 #20 
KatKat,
Thank you. Good night to you
MyLittleOneIsGone

Registered:
Posts: 196
 #21 
KatChat,

Hunter is at peace and romping in the fields at the Rainbow Bridge where you will someday be reunited.  He's playing with all the other beloved babies. 

He is not in pain. He thanks you for a wonderful loving life. Your beautiful boy Hunter is patiently waiting for you.  He is watching over you.  

~ Parker's Mom
Katchat

Registered:
Posts: 9
 #22 
Thankyou guys, napalmakita your memorial sounds wonderful! Well I've been back at work for a week and am sleeping, eating etc ok again, went to collect Hunters ashes yesterday and the vet had done some it's all so beautiful, it was a very hard step but it kind of helps having his ashes back home. Mylittleonelsgone your beautiful words-you sound like you really do know! Xxx
Napalmakita66

Registered:
Posts: 138
 #23 
It's a huge step picking that box up from the vet... it was another punch in the gut for me. But , like you said, it was good bringing him home.
The energy changed when I set up his little memorial. I hope you experience the same and I'm glad you seem to be doing better. Be well
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